these are excerpts from various emails and posts i've written in the last week or so:
woke up at 4am and can't sleep.
dunno why. kept having really shallow dreams dealing with trivial crap. annoying.pooka
and deiter( deiter is my new puppy! go see his webpage at "hello.to/deiter.
for that matter go see pooka's webpage at "hello.to/pooka" ) r getting along..i
feel glad he has a friend 2 play with so i don't feel guilty when i'm too busy.
it's hard 2 believe deiter will grow up 2 be bigger than pooka..judging from
his parents. deiter is more of a dog dog. but pooka is like a flaming gay royal
dog of great delicacy, grace and gentleness.deiter likes to chew stuff and is
more dopey, but very kind and loving. but he's still a puppy, perhaps he will
get less dopey as he gets older. i dunno, i never had a puppy when it was this
young ( 14 weeks).it's still unusually warm here for being december, it feels
like fall.i'm not complaining! :) I HATE WINTER! i've decided that as soon as
the agreements with the banners i have up now are over, i'm not going to have
any more banners..at least not on the main page. i've decided that it's just
too ugly( except for the imusic one..i like that one! but basically any banners
of any sort just BUG me), even though the $ i got for those banners bought me
my new computer i needed so desperately...i only want to contribute beauty and
2 inspire..and i think seeing those banners on anacam is uninspiring. had 2
try it out tho, and i am greatly appreciative of my new computer! :)i'm going
2 totally redo the look of anacam..sometime around the middle of january..that's
when the last banner runs out. i can't wait!i'm scared about the money thing...but
i know that if i follow my heart, that will lead 2 the greatest fulfillment
and ultimately abundance :)so i'm saying no to the obvious money making way,
and going 4 beauty again. then if i don't get more members, i might have to
change the refresh on anacam to every 10 minutes. i'm still working that one
through. god, i've so much 2 say..but all of a sudden i realized it was such
boring stuff like..i need a desk 4 my computer..bla bla bla. and there's SO
much i want 2 say about "stuff" that i just cannot say because i could get in
trouble. but the day will come when i can finally SAY IT. ( do i sound like
art bell now?) LOL don't worry, my life is not in danger or anything. it's business
stuff, and that's all i'll say for now. i'm thinking that perhaps i should write
a book about my life...kind of a "the world according to garp"-eque. i should
reread that. i don't know how 2 go about writing it. i know i can write..but
to put it down in a linear way? i've never written anything LONG. i don't know
how to begin it or end it. but i know i want it to be a kind of "how 2 survive
if u r a weirdo" book. kind of spiritual but funny...like...a book that asks
"what is success"? 'cause i certainly can't end the book on "and then she ROSE
out of obscurity and became the next madonna with her best selling album, she
now lives in beverly hills and does yoga everyday" i mean my album is selling
less and less each week and before u feel sorry for me DON'T! i want it 2 b
a book that makes people laugh and go..ya! i don't have 2 b a "success" 2 b
a success, and life is just weird and we plonder through it having strange and
mundane adventures.i dunno, maybe my life would make a BORING book. i guess
i'm afraid it could. and there's SO much i wish i could write in it that i can't
( family members would be pissssssssed)and do i write that i
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i started a new feature to ana2.
i'm going to call it anagram..then i'm changing the current anagram section
to "analects"( 'cause it's means misc. literary verbage).so the NEW anagram
section is going 2 b a daily pic of my fave pix from the previous day, a written
thing of some sort and a drawing/doodle. when i get a scanner i'll scan stuff
in , too. and when i figure out how to encode sound and save etc, i'll feature
a sound of the day, too :) i'm pretty excited about this, and it'll b a lot
of work...but i think it'll be worth it...to be able to look back at all that
archived later will b pretty amazing if i can keep it up. so i have to rewrite
the "what u get if u sign up" part...and i hope i'll get more subscribers. this
month is a lot less 'cause we deleted a TON of people that were never logging
in..to decrease the chargebacks. grrr..i hate those! there HAS 2 b a way around
it.and i have to find out how long a person can wait and STILL chargeback. i
mean, i have a guy that wants his money back from JUNE!the business side of
this can truly suck. and i have to learn html, 'cause there is so much i want
2 do 2 the site, i'll wear poor jason out! there's always something needing
to b fixed or changed or added or deleted. now it's almost 2am and i'm not tired
and the new puppy is all asleep. he is so fat and roly poly. he grows on me
more and more each day. i just wish he'd figure out where 2 go 2 the bathroom.
yuck. luckily i have a great thing for cleaning it up! rrrrrr .i have 2 get
a desk for my computer, all this two fingered typing on the floor is sending
my back into a bent shape.still never decorated this place 'cause i realized
that if u have a lot of stuff but want everything to look minimal and modern..u
have 2 have a lot of money to put into expensive shelves and things to hide
all your stuff in. things like glass/mirrors/steel/rotating minimal sculptures
of great beauty..are exxxxxpensive. i just need a shelf to hold all my cassettes
still! i just need a HUMOUNGOUS place is what i need..so i can hide all my stuff
way far back in other rooms, and the rest of the house can b this minimal white
sanctuary. 'cause i just can't part with my great stuff. and i can't start reverting
back to my old dyi punk kitch of antiquey quirkyness. i want/need/must create
my little world around me! rrr, what 2 do?
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just posted this to my newsgroup
in reply to a guy who thought his life was bad now because he was a real asshole
in his pastlives..and he was karmically getting his back...i thought this was
this best explanation i'd come up yet of how i'd like to live my life, and how
i DO live my life..in moments...i believe that all time is now. time is an illusion.
so actually all your "past" lives are happening simultaeously with your life
now...as well as all your "future" lives. therefore...everything is instant
karma happening simultaeously all at once!and since all your selves are intrinsically
connected in the immediate...any change u make now effects all of them/you.
therefore i think u can DECIDE to have not a rotten life, and DECIDE IT WITH
ALL YOUR WILL that you will not accept anything but the most JOYOUS LIFE FOR
YOU FOR THE GOOD OF ALL!( and this will have a domino effect on your other lives...but
if they are deciding the opposite what do u do?...hmmm....thinking on that for
a few more years.....eek) but the TRICK is..that since in each moment all your
selves are dying and being born right NOW...and NOW.............and NOW! so
u must decide each moment with all your will to live life in the most joyous
way for YOU for the highest "good" of all :) and that's where i get tricked!
it's hard...but it's easy! it's so....exasperatingly simple! yet.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!
y'know? but i just keep deciding! joy joy joy! no less! not that i've probably
suffiently "new-aged" everyone out, i shall depart and get on with my deciding
to get well! :) ok, no wait. if we are all one and we are all god, and since
god is all things we are all things..by being everything and everybody we could
possibly be ( because we want to know who we are and experience it ALL..otherwise..we
wouldn't know everything and therefore be god) and every circumstance that could
ever happen is happening right now...then i'm the bad guy thinking bad thoughts
and the good guy thinking good thoughts and doing good, etc etc etc infinitum..
then how DOES karma work? you'd think that u could help your other lives by
being joyous..because you're all connected...but since god wants to experience
everything..then trying to make your bad person better might be doing that self
a disservice. SO! ok..here..that's where the free will thing comes in. and saying
"for the highest good of all" 'cause that other selfs highest good might be
to be "bad". god, i don't like that! yes? are u talking 2 me? why yes! LOL!
help me i'm on antibiotics! and i'm delirious! i've had three hours of sleep!
argh. so...i'm wondering if this is tied in somehow...that by "forgiving/letting
go" of the "bad selves" that we are being right now...does free us from their
karma? for example. i can remember a whole shitload of my past lives. dunno
why. and i don't know why i choose to believe myself. i just decided to, i guess..'cause
it feels valid...and no one can prove otherwise, so there. the thing is...i
feel like i'm in the middle of this wheel. spokes are going into me like lifelines...a
cord of knowledge and feeling between me and a bunch of my past/future lives.
and most of the lives i'm feeling are in a lot of pain. most are running away
from terrible wars and things. like the holocaust..and futuristic wars..or i'm
on the run from a mental hospital( i was weird in other lives , too..and they
didn't allow that there). i'm always undercover, hiding...trying to fit in and
not be noticed...so they don't find out and kill me. most times i don't even
know why they're after me, 'cause i'm young and i just know i have to run. one
was i volunteered to go undercover as an android to infiltrate a government.
it was a lot like star wars. i think that's why star wars was a very popular
movie, because a lot of people's other lives are there right now, and it rang
true for them. now i know that sounds REALLY crazy, but i just feel it's true.
anyway, i underwent surgery to become as much of an android as possible and
i said goodbye to my lover who was in my "terrorist group". they lived in the
desert, and the place i was going to was a closed-in city. a big dome-type thing
over it. i passed and got work as an android, but somehow ended up in the desert
again in a war. my lover and i could see each other as we fought. i was hit
and i went down and the sand of the desert started covering me, covering my
face...i tried to show him that i was not really dead, but i could not move
and i could give no facial expressions. i thought by my sheer will of thought
that i could get through to him to say i was not dead. but it didn't get through.
and i saw him crying and could do nothing.. and i saw him leave me in the desert
to really die. it was the most frustrating thing ever! anyway, u may think that
is the most crazy story that i made up..but get this..it gets weirder! i meet
this guy in this life years ago. we hit it off immediately, like in the very
1st second our eyes meet and we both are so startled by this "i know u" thing.
he becomes my boyfriend for four years and i end up getting a restraining order
on him( no, not the one i talked about in my analog a year ago..this was way
before that..the OTHER asshole) BUT, when we were in love, we were sitting on
this bridge talking, and this dream cam up, and i told it to him and he just
stood there shaking! ya, the remberance of the life came to me in a dream..i
forgot to mention that) and he said NO WAY! i had a dream that my android lover
was shot in the desert and the sand was covering her and i thought she was dead!
well, how about that?!a nd i said: i wasn't dead! and he said : i'm so sorry!
my other life i remember is i'm a young girl, maybe 7 or something, and we are
being called to go on this train. and everyone from the town is being lined
up to go on it, and they are saying it is for our own good. all of a sudden
out of nowhere i get this FEAR that this is DEATH and we will all die if we
do not run! so i'm screaming "run run run!!!!" and everyone thinks i'm crazy.
but i escape into these woods, maybe with an even smaller sister to take care
of, and i just hide for the rest of my life...'cause i do not even know who
to hide from because i don't know why they wanted to kill me in the 1st place.
so i just never really talk about anything for the rest of my life for fear
of saying something that would jeapordize my life. i guess i'm making up for
that now! in another life i was an american indian..i'm still trying to pinpoint
the tribe. but that was a great life. i loved it! an american indian before
and after we were "discovered" in another lives i just DIED..from murder or
accidents. it was just like WHAT I'M DEAD? that sucked. i say that the head
is still , for a fraction of a second, still aware as it rolls into the basket
from the guillitine! (sp?) and i have a horrible fear of being suffocated, i
can't have anything in my mouth for a long period of time. i think that was
from being a prostitute and being raped in the face very many times! i was also
around when whores were horis( where the word hour comes from..because of a
dance the priestesses would do in a circle..to let the time of day be known)..priestesses,
and it was a sacred and most respected thing u could do...sex magick that sure
got turned around! ya, and the queen of eqypt one...you know..gotta have that
one :)but in the queen of egypt one i was miserable 'cause i was too young for
the job and never got to play, it made me so depressed i killed myself.then
there was the queen of england one...gotta have that, too y'know...that one
was totally miserable ,too 'cause u look at all this stuff around u but it's
not really YOURS it's the families. no one will look u in the eye. no one can
be your friend 'cause they aren't worthy or something. very lonely and depressing.
i think once i was a good queen who felt very loyal to her community and did
a good job governing. and one queen one i was a real bitch..just beheading everyone...kinda
like kicking people in irc. i just didn't have time for their bullshit. i got
so fed up being queen that i just beheaded anyone who whined. then there was
this life where i was a different species. "a lightbeing" for lack of a better
word. i was very young and playing in the "kindergarten" making "light geometry
holographic toys" i just felt really serene. it was the greatest society. then
we were overtaken by a bunch of other aliens that we did not even know they
existed! and they wanted to learn all about my light geometry to use it for
"evil" and i didn't let them. i just dissasociated into little pieces of me
all over...stuck in other dimensions here and there..hiding the part of me that
knew of that knowledge in another place and time. pretty neat trick. but painful.
it's like death 'cause you're in pieces and not really together...but you're
alive. little organ transplants of your soul being hid away. i wonder if i can
find them and put myself back together again? then in another life...and this'll
be the last one i type out for now as this is getting ridiculously long and
perhaps just plain ridiculous to most of you
luv and living in grace, ana
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