analog

Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997

i'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything at the moment. it will pass, but in this moment..augh.

trying to find where i fit into to the webcam. all of a sudden i am so close to me that i cannot see myself anymore. my life blurs into entertainment, and i wonder if my microwaved dinner is entertaining enough. i don't know when i can just be selfish and not think about the cam. i think about the lighting, when is the best time to take a shower. i feel guilty if i sleep all day because people will think badly of me.

and it's hard when you look or feel like shit to be on cam. if i don't do something interesting i feel i'm letting you all down. if i get too down, i feel like i'm letting you down. like it's my job to spread happiness. but sometimes i'm not happy. heck, a lot of the times i'm not happy. where do i start and the business begins? why can't i just be nude like i did in "real life" without it turning into porn. i'm not supposed to let anyone down by "cheapening myself" by showing any flesh. or whatever. i'm supposed to be the one who does it in an "artful way". whatever that is. what is this cheapening thing anyway? like i have a value attached to me. i'm so fucking sick of that. if i "show the goods" then i have lessened my value. to who? to "my future husband"? (assuming that marriage holds any appeal to me, which it slightly does, and i'm not saying that if i got married that it would be to a man. not like one can even get legally married to the same sex, but that's another rant entirely)

so, onto this cheapening thing. if i showed my body, y'know just sitting there, will i lose any sense of intelligent "audience"? will i just get an email box full of drooling neanderthal dribble? maybe i should just do it to find out.

why is everything that is naked all of a sudden porn? i know many have asked that boring question before. and i've never been confronted with it so vividly. but here i am. riding that thin line ever so delicately. and get this, if i actually showed my body in it's naked glory, "guys" tell me that would become boring! well, maybe then i SHOULD get naked so they'd all be bored off to tears, because that's the only thing that's ever going to get them over it. i mean really , get over it, it's just not a big deal. but then here i am feeling like it is. and if i did "THAT" then i might be making things harder for my mom and dad, my record label, my manager, my friends, any business i might like to do in the future. all of a sudden i am BANNED, SHAMED. put into "THAT" category, y'know the one with all the rest of the "cheap whores".

well, BLESSED IS THE DIVINE WHORE. see my "the whores of babylon and i" in my ANAgrams for that rant. it's just my own ego, too. it's hard to just "let it all hang out" for the entire world to dissect. ouch. sometimes i think i'm up for that challenge, and then other times i'm like "girl are u smokin crack?" 'cause it all seems too much and i want to crawl under a rock and put on 500 yards of fabric tied wit barbed wire.

and get THIS! what i am doing, just showing my life, eating dinner whatever, is actually DANGEROUS to my life!!!!! i mean, if i let you all know where i lived, the chances of me being stalked and killed are pretty high. so "they" say. so here i am , splayed out to be gutted on the net, while at the same time, hiding like some outcast outlaw whore about to be stoned.

why do i do this then? because i feel like that anyway. even if i wasnt on the net. i feel hunted down. not allowed to go out at nnight or else i'm "asking for it" and i just refuse to be quiet about it. i've got to get it out somewhere! maybe i cannot run naked in the streets yet adorned with jewels without fear of a brutal death, but i can try to do it vicariously through the net. first.

i HOPE i can make some headway on this issue, at LEAST in my own personal life, if not for the future lives of others. heck, i really don't know what i'm doing. and maybe all this is is overly idealized bullshit. i don't know. but i'm trying to figure it out.

love and freedom,
ana