analog

Date: Sun, 22 March 1998

2 posts from me to the ANACAM mailing list:

yes, of COURSE  i read this list. it's my list :)
i don't think JUST because i'd rather you not discuss clinton or
iraq that means i'm a horrible person about censorship. there are
PLENTY of things to talk about besides those two things. i let that
conversation go on for a long long time and only about 5 people were
discussing it. 
i let in run it's course for a few weeks, then i just
said...let's not discuss that anymore. i think it's reasonable. 
we can get WAY off "the topic" on something else. so i have
deleted 2 things to discuss,get over it, i didn't say the list discussion
had to get FLUFFY because i did that. heck, there are PLENTY of other
BIG things to discuss. it just seemed to me that it had become an
iraqi war list, 70 people unsubbed, and it was time to move on...

everything goes in cycles, so we talked about fluffy things for
a week then, because we were at a loss for things to say then. we
didn't know what direction to take. well, this is NORMAL. that is LIFE. just
like my cam is boring sometimes (because things are happening to me
INWARDLY that you cannot see). but the conversation will pick up again,
have PATIENCE. this is not INSTA-CONVERSATION. this is not 
INSTA-INFOTAINMENT. just chill out and go with the flow,
maaaaaaaan :)
uncomfortable with silences or awkward pauses? welcome to LIFE.

we all don't have to be witty, clever, humourous, brilliant 
conversationalists blowing the lid off of every untruth 24/7.
y'know if something comes up somewhere where someone has something to say,
then it will eventually be said. and then you can reply or not reply as
the spirit moves ya, mon. and from there who knows...a big flurry of 
discourse or maybe it'll pitter out into the ether. life.

just cause i happen to post to this list a lot, then not a lot,
doesn't mean i'm not involved in things. did u read the analog before
the one that's up now? did you read what is going on with me? hello?
like i'm being threatened and stalked by an x-boyfriend FOR ONE. 
just because i may not post to this list for days, maybe even
someday WEEKS, does not mean i'm not here rading it. can't i lurk ,too?
i mean sometimes, god forbid , i just don't have anything to
say! or sometimes i have things to say but not the energy to type. or
sometimes i have things to say, but i don't want to tell YOU. i have a
life like everyone else on this list. i'll post when i FEEL like it :)
ok?

and really, if we want to talk about WAR, then WHY_oh_WHY can we
not even get along on a  little mailing list??? why do we think we
can call each other names and get really hostile and attack each other
like spoiled little children who learned no manners? is it because we
have masks here? and i do not care who is going by their "real name"
here or not...that is just silly. anyone can make up a "real name" and
what's a name anyway?
if you want to discuss war, i suggest we discuss WHY it is that
we cannot get along on this list in a civil manner sometimes. and
why this is a continuing theme throughout the net. peace starts INSIDE,
and peace starts with little things like you HOME, mailing lists, bbs,
your friends, your immediate surroundings. 

ask yourself...how are YOU, personally, CREATING PEACE RIGHT
HERE RIGHT 
NOW? 

and richard, why don't you just sit back and watch my life
unfold on the cam or NOT. maybe go back and visit the archives, read my
analogs, read "anatomy" on my page. RESEARCH AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT before you
open up your mouth to type. you blast in here interrogating before even
saying hello. it would be nice if you AT LEAST said HI first, like
"real life". 
sheesh.

we live in such a world that everybody wants things INSTANT and 
PREDIGESTED. well, this list isn't that, my cam isn't that,
cause i'm not that. and YOU"RE not that. so let's all remember that LIFE
is not instant and predigested. 

let's all have some TOLERANCE for the awkward pauses in life.
because complaining about them or forcing them to go away is just NOT
going to work. you KNOW that. things are in cycles. so everyone just take
a deep breath now and CREATE PEACE RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, if you want
to. and you don't have to type about it to do it :)

where would the music be without the pauses between the notes?
how could there be dancing without the pauses between the
motions?
how could we breathe if we were constantly filled with air?
exhale to inhale again..
etc etc,

ana
--------------------------
i NEVER said ANYWHERE at ANY TIME that this cam as about
furthering my musical career. it's NOT. the cam and my musical career are TWO
separate things( in my mind). of course in the minds of others they are 
colliding...it is natural that they would. but i did not start
this cam as a promotion for my music. this cam is a separate experimental 
venture. if i did not do music, i would STILL have this cam. in
fact, i actually care much more about my cam than my record deal.
because this cam is MINE and nobody makes the decisions except me. i am in
total control of what i will do with it...whereas in my musical career
i am somewhat owned. i still don't have to do anything in music i
don't WANT to(and i don't)...but these things( musical things, cd cover
things), if others(radioactive) that OWN what i do, do not like it...they
will censor it.  but my cam is pure freedom. 

if anything, i think this cam could be a detriment to my musical
career, just because people seem not to take a sometimes naked , blonde, 
fake-titted camgrrl very serious when it comes to artistic 
"whateverness". 

sure, i might sell a few more cds in the long run because of
this cam, but i'll bet i DON"T sell a bunch of cds to others BECAUSE of my
cam because they will judge me BEFORE my music is heard.  it's a
pretty risky thing to be seen by some as a frivolous net porn star or
something BEFORE my music is heard. if i really wanted to use the cam to
sell my music....i think i'd take a VERY different less radical approach
so that i would appeal to "the masses". i don't think i'm winning any
brownie points for being seen as a serious musician/songwriter just
because i have a cam. but , hopefully i am wrong. i do what i do because
it feels right. 

i am about shattering icons, for one. you see me as you want to
see me..you think perhaps i should behave in a certain way because i
look a certain way, perhaps ( i'm speaking about the judgemental ones
now) but as i become the icon ( the big breasted bleach blonde cute
camgrrl) and then do things that that icon isn't SUPPOSED to do ( write
music, be serious, have a soul...etc..whatever) i can SHATTER the icon and
make way for a new way of thinking.

maybe i'm full of shit, and i'm not doing this at all. but it
feels like i am. i could be living in delusion. i could be going about this
all the wrong way. i don't know..i've never done this before, it's all
new to me. so maybe in ten years i'll look back at this experiment and
call it ridiculous. but right now...intuitively...it feels right...i
feel like i AM doing something...even if it's just sitting there and being
boring and sleeping a lot.
because i feel i want to accurately represent A LIFE as best i
can. 
and perhaps when people see me sleep, IF NOTHING ELSE, they will
not feel so guilty about sleeping themselves!
this culture is RADICALLY OPPOSED to sleeping. we seem to be a
culture that if we can't SEE it , it does not exist. we must all be
PRODUCTIVE. and PRODUCTIVE seems to mean that we better be SEEN making a
physical product, or else our lives are worthless and meaningless.

i am of the belief, of the KNOWING, that my dreams are just as
real as any physical thing HERE. i get A LOT done in my dream-state
which is just as VALID as going to "WORK" and making a "PRODUCT".
when you see my sit and stare...i am THINKING. which is the
first necessary step to DOING...as if thinking were not doing enough. 

in fact, i think i think too much! so i hope to slowly learn to
UNTHINK. 
i don't even know how to meditate. 
i THINK that , in this society, what we place valu on and what
we SEE as productive, as VERY ASKEW. i think we need to UNLEARN, sit down,
and SLEEP some. and remember why we are truly HERE...which i think
is to have FUN and nothing more. i think the physical world is here
for our DELITE and our JOY and so much in our hustle and bustle to DO
something PRODUCTIVE we most often miss LIFE itself. each breath, each
taste, each texture, etc.

in this life, right now at least, i am reevaluating, redefining,
and deconstructing myself to unlearn to remember the CORE.
which i think is LOVE , and sometimes i KNOW is love.
and sometimes i don't feel that way at all, and i feel lost and 
depressed.

but i do have a high level of guilt about sleeping, or even
having an abnormal schedule that does not match the "true working
majority".i cannot "prove" to any of you that i am doing ANYTHING. if i
take a picture of me sleeping, i cannot even prove to you that i'm
really sleeping. but if i feel i need to sleep, then i at least have
enough wisdom in me to know that it would be wise for me to sleep...and
i do not let the guilt stop me from what my body says is right and
good.i am letting bodily intuition guide me in matters of my body.

and this is rather difficult sometimes when i feel  "the whole
world" is watching and saying "oh, she is sleeping again and not being a 
PRODUCTIVE member of society. i DO NOT have the luxury of
sleeping...so she "shouldn't" either. she should TOUGHEN UP and join the
REAL world" or whatever i THINK "they" say.

if NOTHING else comes from my cam, i hope i can SOMEHOW , i
don't know how, let SLEEP , once again, be a valued productive "thing".
lol :)

well, i don't know if that made a bit of sense to anyone here,
and i've probably gone off on another tangent and rambled quite a bit.

EVERYTHING starts with the imagination. 

another "moody" artist,
ana
---------------------------------

please help to support anacam by becoming a member of ana2 :)
click on the link above the cam picture for details :) think of ana2 as
a perk u get by donating 10 dollars to keep anacam alive and running...
like PBS! :)

i'm also looking into getting ultravid!!! woo hoo! :))) that might be up
very soon for ana2 members! :))) i'm EXCITED !!
for those of u who do not know what ultravid is, it is streaming video
with sound! i LOVE technology!!!

check out arcana for my fave pix from ana2 and anacam...

ana voog newsgroup: alt.fan.ana-voog
anacam mailing list: www.coollist.com ....subscribe:anacam


p.s.
it has been brought to my attention by my friend FreePop, that there are
hardly any pictures of kissing on the net! go figure! ??? what does this say about
our society? i'm not talking about "lesbians kissing" on porn sites. i'm talking about
real kissing. if anyone has photos of real kissing...please send them ( or the URL's of
where they are) 
to: 
freepopac@hotmail.com 
he is going to start a kissing page...so we can put an end to the
kissing famine of the net! :) do you know of any picture from any of the cam archives of
people kissing? do u think this lack of kissing reflects the real world? 
x, 
ana