analog

Date: Sun, 30 Nov. 1997

here are a few of the last posts i made to my bbs before i took it down. thank you everyone who contributed the beautiful things to the bbs that made it worthwhile during it's short existence. (if you wish to still post, go to dankitti's ana bbs. there is a link to it in ANArchives)

---

GREEN TEA:

Posted by ANA on November 28, 1997 at 15:14:38:

i'm drinking green tea and listening to top 40 radio breeze away through my window. my little animal friends are all bunched around me making me warm. the sun is going down and things are turning that dusk colour. i'm slowly peeling myself out of a bad mood thanks to the delete button. it's friday but that means nothing to me. i'm going to watch "my dinner with andre" tonight. my house is a disatrous mess, but what else is new. i have leftover pumpkin pie from last night. i think i'll fill my house with frankincense smoke and take a nice hot bath with rose oil in it and perhaps even though my cold is still lingering, i'll break open that package of fabulous weed a friend so thoughtfully sent my way and i'll fill my lungs with smoke and get a new perspective and laugh at how surreal and insane my life is a dream about los angeles, where i should really be right now. you know i heard that on art bell they predicted the end of the world in april 1999 which is perfect, 'cause that's when my birthday is. and i hope i'm in L.A. then eating a big white vanilla cake with 30 some candles as the sun's radiation crisps my young flesh away and i can then reincarnate into that game show in the sky. but until then, i'm gonna play with stuff and see what happens. it's all an illusion, but a damn good one at that! and.....

INSANITY:

Posted by ANA on November 29, 1997 at 11:54:38:

for those of you who thought i'd gone "off the deep end" because i took a bath with my clothes on. you should try it sometime, it was fun :) always good to try something new. and you know how it feels good to have a hot washcloth? well, imagine one all over your body. that's what it's like to take a bath with all your clothes on :)
also, i think it looked pretty cool, how the fabric became a different fabric and part of my body as it clung to me.
and so much you all don't see what's going on "behind the scenes" a.k.a. "my real life". the whole time i was in the tub, i had a friend over helping me set up a monitor so i could see myself and what i was doing in the bathroom now, and in the kitchen. we were talking and laughing about a ton of different subjects and i was saying "well, they're all going to think i've gone nuts now" (because of taking a bath with my clothes on. sure enough, i come back here and there's people ready to vouch for my insanity, saying i'm harmful to myself (or others). ya, really, i'm behind the glass screen of your monitor, what exactly can my bath do to you? or my gun for that matter. lots of people own guns. i cannot shoot you through the monitor(as much as i wish i could!) you are just not knowing the whole story at all of my life. people assuming so many things. ready to project their dreams and fears onto me without a second thought. i'll bet you didn't know i was talking to a good friend of mine and that i was having FUN and was VERY HAPPY in the tub! i was having a BLAST! i was listening to the pixies and drinking tea and having a fun time being able to see myself in the bathtub for the first time. and those clothes were dirty anyway, they needed a wash :)
many times when i am just blankly staring at nothing, it seems, i am listening to such nice music, i am surfing the net and looking at fabulous things, i am talking on the phone to all my friends, and sometimes i have people over ALL THE TIME and you do not even know! because some people that come over don't wish to be on cam. keep in mind you are only seeing 30 split seconds of my life per hour. and this is from one narrow camera angle, without sound. i have a whole house and much goes on.i try to convey as much as i can, but the medium is limited, as is language. all you can do is speculate about me. try not to make final judgements based upon so little information. certainly speculating is a fun thing to do. just let it be fun and try not to get so caught up in judging me in such an absolute way. for in doind so, you only limit your own life, not mine....for i am already living my life how i wish.
and nobody is making me do this cam thing. i choose it because i find it fascinating. and i evolve with it and learn things about myself, like how much can i take? where are my boundries? how far can i go with this? how can i learn to take this medium and communicate better? etc etc .
i have lived in as this person now for 31 years. that is not a long time, but i have done a lot. so try not to judge me on whether or not i have "worked" equally as hard as you for food and shelter. you do not know what i've been doing all my life. this cam has been on only for a few months. i worked very very hard to get where i am now. i worked in many factories, as a housekeeper in hospitals, as a stripper for the working class, dancing 14 hours a day in high heel shoes so that i could record an album that was inside of me, i work very hard to get supplies to do my art. most of my life i have worked for minimum wage.i have done hard labour and pushed heavy things around in big dusty factories for $4 an hour, i have washed the floors of many a place, i have cleaned up the puke and urine and blood of sick people. i have done many many many things. and i have many things still yet to do. you just don't know me. you can only speculate. please have fun with your speculation but do not take it so seriously. please see your speculation for what it is, because your judgements feel heavy to me, and they did not even come from me, so they must feel extra specially heavy for you to carry around such absolute bitterness. only 30 seconds per hour do you see of me. please keep this in mind. keep this in balance. it is merely just a "peek" into a very much bigger life. i try to show you as much as i can, and i will continue to try to be a better communicator. but please do not come in here with your bitter absolute judgements and just piss them all over my TINY little bbs. and this is not a game to play mindfuck with me. please have respect. this is just a small bbs in one small corner of the vast universe. i am not out to get you. i cannot even touch you. please, this is not a game, if you wish me malice, please go away. i am not here to play silly games with you. it wears me out. i only have this one little bbs to communicate with you, do not wreck the only thing we have in which to communicate. it's such a small thing, but it's the only thing i have to speak to you on. why piss on it? please don't. please just go in peace if you do not like me. it's a simple thing. please have respect.

A RATHER INTERESTING EXPERIMENT:

Posted by ANA on November 30, 1997 at 13:10:10:

well, in many ways i will miss this bbs, too. but i won't miss the hassle of it. it was a rather interesting experiment in human nature. it seemed like it was going to be a good thing, at first. i might work on starting a member-only bbs. that way i can moderate it better. i'll keep you updated on this. but until then, go over to dankitti's to get out the posting bug in ya. :)
i don't know what makes people post their last messages as "you fucked bitch" and "ana is a whore".
it seems to have gotten a hundred times more negative when i said i'd take it down. i don't know why people would want to be remembered for saying that on the last day of this bbs. there certainly is a lot of anger in people that is not getting to be properly directed. where can we properly direct our anger, fear, sorrow? is this the product of repression in our society? is there no outlets for us to express our emotions so that they get so warped inside us from not being able to express that we lash out at the first thing that we can anonymously express our fear and anger? so much sorrow here. so many people in fear of lacking control or losing control, wanting to control me as some small gesture of their "power". i don't know. that's why i'm glad i'm an artist and i get my expressions out in a positive way. this could have been a nice place to communicate with each other on how we can make ourselves "better" people. and how we can help to spread more love, starting first with loving ourselves and loving our surroundings. perhaps in the member only bbs that i might start there can be fellowship and some real commuication. i would like that. but for now...communication breakdown. rethinking communication. evolving..

love,
ana

previous analogs:

all writings are © ana voog.
all rights reserved.
use in whole or in part is expressly forbidden without
the prior, written consent of ana voog.