analog
Date: Tues, 25 Nov. 1997
this ANAlog consists of some posts i did while fANAtic was down and we were posting at dankitti's ana bbs.
ON BEING REWARDED FOR DOING THIS CAM THING?(and the merits of being a cartoon):yes, i feel i am rewarded a lot, by kind email and kind posts. it really does recharge me to read kind things. it seems that from the email and some posts, that i've done some good for people, even if it is just helping them get through the night shift. but mostly i do this for me, because i feel on a mission, at this time, to just show 'a woman' in all her states of being, or something. not that i am 'every woman' not at all. i guess it really is because of all the misinformation/hype/ and PROJECTION i have encountered from being not only a woman and not only in 'showbiz' but a 'woman in showbiz' a 'woman in rock' (so they call it). the 'biz' so much likes to categorize me and smash me into a mold, and if i do not fit there, then i am not 'worth' anything. i am not 'sellable'. etc. i don't know if this is just a showbiz thing or a media thing or a patriarchal thing that is blown out of proportion in 'the biz' or what. but the more i delved into it, the more they wanted to know 'the inside scoop on my true inner feelings and what made me tick' yet the more they wanted to know, the more they continued to 'cartoonize' me and put me into more of a narrow category and get me all wrong. it is perplexing. so i started this cam, in part, as a rebellion against them trying to categorize me and make me into a cartoon. but i LOVE glamour and cartoons, also. i have no qualms against letting that be A PART of my life. and indeed, it IS FUN to be a glamourous cartoon, and i think i play one well. however, i think that the stress of maintaining to be THAT ONLY is what causes people like kurt cobain and michael hutchence to kill themselves. so this is my way of saying 'STOP! I AM A HUMAN !
ON FEELING SELF-CONSCIOUS:yes, my cam is about the uncomfortable times, too. so i choose to keep it on. it's hard though sometimes 'cause i feel like an idiot just sitting there and you all can't see what's in my mind or what i'm watching or doing, so sometimes it just looks plain stupid. also, i feel self-conscious about how much i sleep or when i sleep, as some people have been very judgemental about that. it's so hard to convey my life story or how i feel through the cam to everyone. sometimes i feel guilty that i haven't done any 'shows' lately. and i've shown everyone everything in this particular room now everything from every possible angle. it's just like, hmmmm, the show and tell for this particular room is over, and the show and tell of my body is over so it's rather a puzzle sometimes of where to go from here. i've just sort of hit a weird awkward spot with this cam thing and i hope to make it over this hump at some time. can only move through it not around it. i'll see where it takes me.
MY FUCKABLE VALU:and what does that say about the price that is put on women if we are sexual beings? if we are seen as 'fuckable' our price goes up. our market value as a product to sell. it's true. like, that night i had sex, i didn't know this, but the (bleep scandalous sentences sex sex oh no bleep people might get hurt bleep deleted sentences! bleep! heheee!) is now walking around with a 14 page portfolio of that night and faxing it to people. now everyone is excited about releasing my record. now don't get me wrong, i think this is GREAT and HILARIOUSLY FUNNY and surreal beyond surreal. but what does this say about our society? i just don't know. i'm still pretty mystified by this. i mean, i know what i did was just a real thing, and not some sort of notch down for women (altho some would view it differently and would still like to see women's sexuality in the closet where it's market value can then be jacked up further since it is then 'forbidden'). but still, it seems that, at least TEMPORARILY it did my career good. although in the future will 'they' try to crucify for it? will my 'credibility' be lessened? well, not in my mind, but i'm sure it will for some. i still say, 'but what about my MUSIC?' lol!!! ah, just as i wrote that sentence tori amos 'cornflake girl' came on the radio. anyway, it all raises a lot of questions, at least for me it does.
'this is not really happening....you bet your life it is!'
EXPLOITATION? :ya, that's just it, i'm just 'exploiting' (i say that with a laugh) myself SO much that there is just no way anyone could exploit it further. but i suppose they could. i just want to take it BEYOND the point of exploitation so that it all becomes a great big joke on 'the exploiter' and therefore it cannot even exist anymore. or something. i know i didn't say that right at all. augh. hmmm. i mean, there IS something really funny here, like it's all getting turned inside out. and i can post here about 'them'. whatever they do to me, is done to them. because i'm live 24/7. any way they effect me, anything they do, is reflected right back at them via my cam, via the net, via posts. there's no where u can hide anymore. the net is just a symbol that we are a telepathic race. that we are all one.what they do to me they do to themselves and vice versa. we are all pulled into this together. and it's messy , sticky, and humourous. :)
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