analog

Date: Fri, 21 Nov. 1997

i've been writing in my new bulletin board so much that i've neglected writing a new ANAlog. the bbs has been AMAZING and almost chaotic. it received over 500 posts from around the world in the 1st few hours it had opened! WOW! and it's been fun in there, and intense, and angry, and gleeful, and just about every emotion with a myriad of subjects from the war against women to pimento loaf. from alien abductions to depression to sex with midgets. it's been insane. even god has posted many times ! and i've had to deal with the issue of some people crying "censorship!" if i delete a post that says something like "you bitch you suck..etc etc". this brings up the subject of personal space in cyberspace.

PERSONAL SPACE IN CYBERSPACE :
do i have a right to personal s[ace in cyberspace? can a place in cyberspace be an extension of one's own home? if "home is where the heart is" and if i am paying for that "space" then, yes, i'd say that my site is an extension of my home. (with a few thousand guests peeking in the windows). but i have every right to throw anyone off my lawn that's shitting on it. i'm not against constructive criticism(but i'll admit i don't LIKE it, being a double aries with leo rising and all) but constructive criticism is NOT calling each other abusive stupid names. i don't care how liberal u r about language. u can say it's "just words" but words DO hold power. it's one of the few things we have to commmincate. so use them wisely, i think.
and a good rule of thumb is don't insult the host. that does not mean become a sycophant. that means just what it means. be polite. come from your heart when speaking and speak from love not from fear.
now , i know i haven't always abided by that, but i'm TRYING to get that across. i really want this bbs to be a safe place where peole can feel SAFE enough to express their non-abusive thoughts and not feel that they will be attacked by a never-ending thread of insults. i've seen this too many times in other bbs'. peeping moe's for example, (god bless 'em i love that place) but there is this thread there called "jenni(then and now)" that just degenerated into a bunch of pointless name calling. and does that do ANYONE any good? no. i do not believe it does. whereas we have the opposite problem at 5-is , it seems, whereas nobody posts at all because people are too afraid it will be inappropriate to the forum. (i'm guessing wildly on that one...but that's how I feel). i want this to be a bbs where a myriad of discussions can take place. philosophy, religion, silliness, advice, support, good books people read, music, cooking, WHATEVER! not just about my cam...but it would help if it were related a BIT. now this is a fine line, because this one guy kept posting "does anyone like the cure?" about 4 times. and finally this got a bit annoying. i mean i like music, but post about it ONCE and that's it. if nobody replies , we're not interested. y'know? i like the cure, but c'mon.
i think it's really simple, in my head, but i obviously confuse many. and perhaps i'm saying things in here that i'll have to take back later. like someone will post 500 recipes for chicken soup and then say you SAID we could post about cooking. i mean , use common sense! one recipe for chicken soup would b fine, especially if i had just been eating chicken soup on cam. something like that. i guess what i'm TRYING to say is that this bbs is still very much in it's growing and evolving stages. i hope it will be a good thing. so far it seems to be. just don't yell censorship at me. because it's my house and i'll delete whatever i feel i want to without further explanation.
i seem to have gone on a bit of a tangent with that one! LOL!
the other big discussion we had going was "war against women" i needed some more women's viewpoints on that. i felt it was pretty much me and a roomful of MOSTLY hostile men. but i'm thinking on all that was said. and i'll let it stew in my brain some more. that topic made me feel too negative.
then the latest discussion has been about my "SEX ON CAM". a few people were rather disappointed that i did that, even though i think i state quite clearly that this cam is uncensored real life. but hey, you can't please all. most of the responses i got were very supportive and it made me feel really happy :) and i sure had a GREAT time that night :) one person asked "did the cam distract u during sex or enhance the sex?" i'd have to say both. it detracted in ways that it made me nervous and stuff, but it enhanced it, too that i knew i was sharing a beautiful moment with the world. but i can't say i was more "turned on " because the cam was there. it definitely added a great element of humour and surrealness to the whole experience that i found stimulating mentally. (i had ENOUGH physical stimulation going on! hehee). the thing that bugged me the most was that people kept practically INSISTING that what i had done was "a show".
well, that WASN'T a show, that was real life to the max. it was sex ON cam, not FOR the cam. it wasn't planned. it was totally real, and if u see the pix will see it is 2 people who truly were loving and caring for one another. and i feel no shame in it. it's just weird to wake up to find an ANAmated gif of your sex the next day on a german site. CRAZY! i really wish to get rid of the mentality that everything i do is a "show" . please stop calling my life that. if i do "a show" you will know, because i will get all dressed up and start making funny faces at the camera and stuff. but mostly what i do is just live my life and i am not a tv show or something. i'm a real human girl. please don't "rate" me against other cams or other "shows." it just feels ICKY to be talked about like that.
it feels dehumanizing to me.
lately i haven't been doing as many "arty shows" as i did in the beginning. this is due to a bout of physical sickness and a bout of mental sickness(depression). and winter doesn't help either. but i shall do them again. i'm just recharging my creative batteries.
also, i don't think that a lot of what i "DO" can be seen in the physical realm. and that gets into the frooty new age area of me. but i really do a lot of things in the mind that take a while to physically manifest. and maybe will never be seen physically. like working out personal issues and thinking of all sorts of fantastic things that i can't explain in words, but i feel that my thoughts float out into the collective cosmic consciousness for someone else to bulid onto. i'm kind of an invisible idea/concept maker. i know that sounds insane. but there ya go.
i finally got a cover that one of my friends did approved for the single. so i hope that'll be out by the end of the year, it will have 2 songs on it and a little video that i made in my house. also, since my record(that is coming out in the spring) is called anavoog.com, there will be yet ANOTHER website for that. that should be open for viewing soon, and there u will be able to sign up for a mailing list where i will send u updates on all things ANA :). and it will bulid tremendously from there. that will be the site where all my radioactive music stuff will be. hopefully they'll add some more .wav files of my music and stuff. :) plus, the video i made in my house will be there, too. and i will add more videos.
you might be wondering how ANAmart is doing. i am selling things, but not enough to even pay for my bandwidth(over 1,000 a month in bills) so if u want to keep seeing this site being FREE, please support me by buying a gift from ANAmart. or else the inevitable will happen and i'll have to charge memberships. and i really DON'T want to do that !
now it's 7:30am, i 'm thinking of just not going to sleep so that i can go to bed early the next day(which is today) so i can get back on a semi-decent regular schedule of sleep. it sure would be nice to see the sun. i see the sun right now, sort of, it's just coming up.
my fingers are cramped from typing.
so i'll end it here.
thank u everyone for all the emails and supportive posts. my cold is gone now and i feel pretty good. i've been taking a prozac every other day and that seems to be helping some. i think i'll go take a shower now and get nice and warm and cleaned up.

love and not enough paragraphs,
ana

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