analog

Date: Wed, 11 Feb. 1998

here are some more things i wrote to the anacam mailing list(if u wish 2 b on the list, go to www.coollist.com and subscribe :anacam):

everyday i seem to b on the phone and emailing more and more. so much business to attend to. like talking to the photographer about what sort of photo's to take, etc. and managers and bio writers and interviewers, etc etc.
which reminds me to ask Valerie, did u say u were a photographer? what sort of photos do u take? and what sort of paintings do u paint?

i still haven't started cleaning my house. i've just been on the phone. or emailing. jp will be over here in an hour to work on ANA2.
i recieved some leather restraining collars from a man named robert today. i'm wearing the red one right now that has my name in it. :) it needs to b softened up a lot.
is anyone on this list interested in D/s , bondage, etc? i am very interested in it. i am just starting to understand it. i think it is a very spiritual tool, if used properly with a person u trust and/or love.

well, i called my dad today. he is a lutheran minister from a small town. the local paper here that reaches across this state made it to my dad. and he is not pleased , to say the least. in fact, i have never heard him so displeased with me since i quit highschool ( i quit 4 months b 4 i graduated because the people there were so mean to me because of how i dressed). at least he did not yell and cry like my mom did when she found out i had sex on the internet. i'm sure my mom has heard about this article,too. she is probably crying and crying. my parents couldn't b more angry with me. it makes me so sad that the way i choose to live my life hurts them so. of course i could stop living my life this way, but if i did i would feel that i was being untrue to myself and a part of me would feel dead. i am just not a martyr to kill myself for anyone, not even my parents. martyr-dumb. my parents don't understand this. but it would be as if i told my dad that if he were to preach the word of god one more time, that it would cause me pain. and would he stop?no...because that is his calling.(btw, my dad is a VERY good minister, and i adore him)
well, my calling is to be a purrotic octopus blowtorch. so... there you have it.
but it hurts that i'm hurting my parents...or that their own beliefs are hurting themselves. but they think it is me who is hurting them. it's very frustating and i'm sure this is only the beginning. i don't know what effect this will have on my life. it is scary. i am walking into the unknown. all i know is that i am being true to my intuition. and my intuition has never been wrong yet.

i am very very lucky to have such a kind and understanding and grounded boyfriend. all the others would have flipped out by now.
i am so lucky. he is the best :) tomorrow we are going 2 werk on musik together :)

ok, now i'm going to put on some musik and clean my house a bit.
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andrew wrote:
You might be interested in a couple of web sites I compiled from postings from two remarkable women: The Laylah Martelli Archive at http://www.magenta.com/lmnop/stories/laylah/laylah.html and the Best of Nurse Jones at http://www.magenta.com/lmnop/stories/jones/jones.html . I think they are some of the best writings about BDSM ever composed. Check them out.

ana sez:
ok! i'll check them out :) thank u :)

marko sed:
My offer is that I would like to give you one that I have made as a token of my appreciation for your creative efforts. I have chosen 3 didjs that I think reflect your personality and would like you to choose one.

ana sez: oh WOW!!!!!! what an incredible offer! i am HONOURED BEYOND!!!! <bows graciously>
i will check out your website and see them, but i think i might b leaning towards the snake one :))) it is just such an incredible offer that i'm...rather...speechless!!!!! WOWOWOW!!! :))))))))

now it's 6:30am and i haven't gone to sleep yet and i'm about to fall over...
jp and keifer were working on ANA2 all night, which is almost ready. and soon, maybe by the time i wake up, there will b the new analog(which consists of alll the postings i made in here so far, so u will probably not want to read it), and there are a billion anapix for keifer to put up, maybe those will b up tomorrow too,i don't know.

i have to get up in 5 hours because a make-up artist is coming over here to meet me and talk about what i want for the upcoming photoshoot. and then later siam and i are going to work on music, and i never did get my house clean, so somewhere in there i have to do some of that.
now i'm off to wash my face and brush my teeth and make a nest and fall asleep in it.

last night i dreamed that i pushed the button that sent a bomb to china to blow it up.
this bomb went straight through the earth leaving a hole, which caused 1/2 the earth to flood and the other 1/2 to dry up. i wandered the earth looking for shelter and trying to gather a few of my belongings to save. i came across my water-logged stuffed animals and started to cry because i thought they were dead. but i wrang the water out of them and got them back into shape and tried to sew them to my jacket so that i could carry them around with me that way,but i had no thread, only a needle.

there's a whole bunch more to the dream, but i can't explain it. oh ya, and captain janeway of voyager was with me.

ok, time to go dream about more apocalypses....
luv,
ana

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hi, is it febuary yet? or is today the last day of january? i have no clue. i've been sick the last few days. so i have not been home or i have been sleeping. i have a headache and a sore throat and just am not hungry. i just finally ate some bread and 1/2 a banana. i haven't eaten barely anything in three days. i feel really weak. so i went out and bought multivitamins and echinacea. and i'm just going to continue to lay low.
i think it's just all this stress i've been under lately finally got to me. now i must conserve my energy for the photoshoot on saturday, and for when i go to l.a. to remix around the 15th.
when i came back and read all the emails from this list there are so many good ones to respond too, i hope i can remember to respond to them from the top of my head. 'cause going back and forth and cutting and pasting from hotmail sux.
will i do this cam if i get married or have some other big life change? well, ya, i think so. it seems like i'm always in the middle of a big life change, so i don't see why i'd stop now. but who can say? i could change my mind about anything anytime.but right now i plan on having my cam for a long long time.i don't see what marriage would have to do with my cam going off. not that marriage is even a huge goal for me or anything.

about the didjeridoo( i hope i spelled that right), i have decided on the SNAKE one :) i'm incredibly psyched to learn to play it! and incorporate it into my music :) i feel so lucky!

i enjoyed the stories so far. i love tori amos and nick cave. i have a good tori amos story, but i'll have to tell it later when i'm feeling better. we could also tell each other the dreams we had last night. i'd tell u the one i had this afternoon , but it is so weird that i cannot even describe it in words.

i'm sorry for anyone who got a defective cd. i wish i knew what to do about it. did you return it and get a new one? i feel really bad that your cd didn't work :(

hello to all the new people on the list :)

it is a drag about my parents. my mom left a message on my machine today sounding kind of "fake happy" and i haven't called her back yet. after the thing with my dad, i have a terrible feeling all she wants to do is lecture me about how now i've hurt my dad, too and yell at me about the article in the st.paul pioneer press. and feeling sick and stressed out, i just can't handle that right now.
i even got an email from my old sunday school teacher that contained a picture that i couldn't decipher( because i can read only text at my other email) and it said " i am disapointed but i'm not surprised" which i thought was really really mean. was he saying that he is not surprised that i am disapointing? i wonder what the picture was. and if he is so upset, why is he watching me? that whole christian belief of "judge not" or whatever sure seems not to apply to very many christians i know.

in better news, i watched this FANTASTIC documentary on the band 1/2 Japanese. WOW! what an UPLIFTING movie!i think it might be rare, and i can't remember what it was called, but if u ever find it, watch it. what a GREAT band :) they just bring back that feeling of "YA! anybody can do it! punk rock!" :)

and i have "fear of a black hat" here, that i'm going to watch later. if i don't fall asleep soon again. i feel so weak.
but i'm sure i'll be a lot better tomorrow, i have a feeling.

thank u for the url's on bondage things, i'll check them out.:) i have much to say on that subject, but i think i'm running out of typing steam now....

there's a ton new anapix up finally, and i'm going to go through them soon and pick out a winner and my faves.
i think i'll go lay down again now....

peace,
ana

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hi! i just got in from watching siam play a show. i had a few beers and i'm reeeeeaaaly tired. so i will make this short and write a better one tomorrow. i'm glad the list is back up! yay! leyt's hope it stays that way.
there are 17 new anapic up at my site now.
as far as how many emails u r getting, this is really normal for a list.
if u don't like it, unsubscribe, because it will most likely get to be even more. that is what a list is about.:)))
also, i do smile. a lot! but what's the big deal about smiling anyway?

i smile on the INSIDE :) hehee.
as far as getting any m,ore of my music, my new cd comes out in april.
until then u can get some old recordings at ANAmart, at my site.
i'm feeling a lot better. still a bit sick , but 85% over it! yay! that flu really knocked me on my ass.

oh my god, i must go 2 bed now...i'm falling off my chair!
luv,
ana

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chakras, from my experience, are definitely real...and i do concentrate on them sometimes to make sure they are in working order. but i don't do this is much as i'd like to. but i'm getting better at it :)
luv,
ana

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samhain is a wiccan/pagan holiday celebrating the new year and the harvest, etc...it's around halloween.

it's good to know that about distilled water...i was afraid to drink it. not like i like to drink it, 'cause it tastes yucky.

about my lyrics being childish..LOL...whatever.....

yes, pleeeeeez, check out ANAmart at my page! u can buy some neat things to help me support my site! and i DESPERATELY neeeed support!

and please everyone stop bitching about the volomne of mail, etc. it's actually worse to read the complaints than i a nice "the list is back up!" people are just trying to b helpful and kind :)

in an hour and 1/2 , my manager is coming over here to take me to go see the photos i took on sunday! i can't wait to see them! they r photos for press and for the inside of my cd sleeve :)

i'm eating chocolate covered raisins 4 breakfasy and listening to the pet shop boys "bilingual". it's a good way 2 start the day.

there are 17 new anapix up at my site 2 see. i'm in IRC right now..come and say hi sometime...irc.warped.net #analove.
u can also get there by a java chat room, the URL is www.warped.net/irc

the sun is shining today. it wasn't yesterday. i feel more well today. my house is even more of a disastrous mess because i was sick for so long and busy at the same time.

i can't wait for ana2 to get started. it sure is a complicated thing to do.

ummm....that's it for just waking up. i must go get ready and get the cobwebs out of my head now.
luv,
ana

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my sunday school teacher has been writing me. since there was an article released on me in a local newspaper which was widely read. i thought you might be interested in our correspondence so far....

dick ( the sunday school teacher) wrote:

i am disappointed but i cannot say i'm surprised.

i sed:

are you saying that you are not surprised that i am disapointing? hmmm....

dick sed:

My comment was that I was disappointed in some of the things that you have been up to but I am not surprised. I know that you have been swimming against the tide since you were a little kid, but I didn't think that you had abandoned all of your core beliefs. I guess that I thought that the time we spent doing things like AMR would have had a lasting effect. I did put a lot of my heart, soul, and time into seeing that all of you had good positive experiences, and yet you don't seem to have a sense of what we were all about. Luv you anyway!

Dick

i wrote this back:

i have not abandoned any of my core beliefs. i have never felt more in touch with my core in all my life. i am free.
i am being true to my core in that i am an individual. i am also kind and honest and loving.
plus many other beautiful things. you should see the email i get from people all over the world who thank me for showing them a new way of life and a new way of thinking.
i make people's lives a happier one. i do nothing that harms others and only communicate positive messages about love and kindness and playfulness and individuality and FREEDOM to be who you truly are without shame, guilt, or blame.
i am very very happy with what i do and so are thousands of others worldwide.
i feel i am making a positive difference in this world, and i feel very proud of my efforts and accomplishments.
i did get a lot out of AMR(AMR was a religious camp, btw.). in fact, i still talk to claude sometimes.
i do not know what you are so upset about, but i am guessing it is nudity.
i just see nothing wrong with being nude. period. i guess u could call me a nudist.
i am for FREEDOM. and i am not for shame.
is it not christianity that says not to judge? it is for god to decide if what i do is wrong.
and i have my own personal relationship with god and i know that god is very happy and proud of me.
it is only your loss that you think it differently.
you say "i love you anyway" ...i say "anyway , what?" anyway that i am nude?
we all are naked. especially in the eyes of god.

peace and freedom,
ana