analog

Date: Thur, 11 Dec. 1997

ANAVOOG.COM :))))
i have another new site. this one dedicated to my music. it is just the beginnings of it. but there you can see a REALVIDEO of me talking!!! yes! i move, i talk, i'm real! LOL :)
i made the video all by myself in my house, the editing and everything. maybe you watched me making it late one night on cam a few months ago :) there is also the realaudio clip of "please god" and links back to anacam and to radioactive, my label(where there is another page on me, in case u haven't seen it) the quality of realaudio and video still leaves a lot to be desired. but it's cool, that we even have it at all, and the technology will get better(i can't wait!). so go there now and check me out. i've received positive responses so far :)
it's at : http://anavoog.com

the video did strike a bit of controversy about guns at 5-i's. here are some of my posts i did there about guns and why i have guns and a whole bunch more:

Q. WHY DO YOU SHOW YOUR GUNS IN YOUR VIDEO AT anavoog.com? DON"T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A BAD ROLE MODEL? I THOUGHT A FAERIE QUEEN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PEACEFUL.

i could kill someone with a roll of newspaper if i wanted or a stuffed animal. i don't think guns kill, people do. i am a paradox. i am a peaceful faerie queen who sleeps with pink teddy bears but i will blow your head off if u break into my house. i bought some guns when a man who was stalking me(who i did not know one bit) crashed through my door(like in the movie The Shining) in a nice neighbourhood at a reasonable hour of the evening and he tried to rape me with a little kitchen knife. this was a good door with a lot of deadbolts. he just put a hole through the door. i have never encountered such pure evil. like a black hole. very dense. he hated my guts more than i can explain and wanted to obliterate me and see me in as much pain as possible. long story short...i got out of it thanks to divine intervention that was quite incredible. for years i lived in fear that this would happen to me again. nowhere was safe. not my own house in a good neighbourhood. nowhere. i felt stalked. i lived in constant fear. i could trust that nowhere was safe. i lived that way for years, and still feel that way. maybe someday i'll feel better.
if i was ever alone in a house i would lie perfectly still until someone came home and plan out escape routes if someone should bust through my door again. then finally, after much thought about violence and karma and peace and blah blah blah, i was sick of living like that. and i decided to get a gun. i decided that instead of wondering if that night i would die a horrible death out-of-the-blue..i would instead hope that i wouldn't have to shoot anyone that day for trying to rape me. still an awful thing to think about, but i tell you, it caused me such PEACE to just say no that i would not die. no way no how was anyone going to do that to me again. if there ever was a next time, i would be the one in control, not them. and i felt REALLY GOOD about feeling this way. sorry to use an over used 80's psychobabble word, but i felt EMPOWERED. i was "reclaiming my power" and saying no to rape. and i'm not going to use mace or learn karate or any of that bullshit. if anyone EVER tries that again, they are DEAD. period. and i feel really good about that.
now i know that this is also not "the perfect way" to live one's life, but , for me, it is a step in the right direction. it is a step i needed to make for my own personal growth. it might seem illogical or wrong to some, but i know in my heart that I feel a heck of a lot better, and that's what matters.
i feel much more PEACEFUL and SAFE now that i have a gun. it is a BEGINNING to peace, because before i felt no peace. now i know what it feels like to feel a little safer and i can move forward from there. it feels really good, for me, to feel such solid resolve with no guilt or shame. when i let go of that boundary in me that said "peaceful people cannot own guns"...and i said WHY NOT? i opened up a whole new area in me to explore. and i love my guns :) i'm going to get hello kitty etched on it :)
peace and don't fuk wit me,
ana

Q. BUT WHY DO YOU SHOW GUNS IN YOUR VIDEO?(people like to repeat the same question at me...)

i have the gun in there for the surrealness of it, because just prior i show my cat and dog, all cute, then i show the paradox in me by showing my guns, in case anyone tries to stereotype me as a Disney character. and i show them because they are part of my life.
and i don't feel i have much control over what i say or doing being perverted. take my cam , for example.
i make LOVE on cam and it is completely perverted that i'm a whore possessed with demons and i'm going straight to hell. i try to show happy stuff and i just get attacked from all angles. there are weird people out there that are just not EVER going to "get it" what i say or do. so i just live my life how i please despite everyone's projections upon me about what is right or wrong or who i am. of course i care , a bit, or i wouldn't post in here or try to explain myself. but even in this, i feel that it does not much good. for i cannot change anyone's mind(so far this is what i've seen). people are just going to think what they think and so be it.
so i'll just be who am regardless.
i like guns. guns have helped me. therefore, guns in video.
i am a paradox, therefore fluffy kittens and guns in my video.
i am here to cause confusion, i guess. to break free of my own boundaries of what i think a characterization or icon of me is.
thee busty blonde, thee faerie queen, thee weird arty girl.
all of these things and more that i am have all these expectations on them of what i am. people try to categorize me and stick me in a box.
i am all of these and none of these.
i am both virgin and whore.
faerie and killer.
insane and sane.
cute and ugly.
spiritualist and girl with saline breast implants.
art and porn.
mundane and sacred.
silly and serious.
feminist and submissive.
dominant and insecure.
secure and confused.
confused and enlightened.
enlightened and foolish.
foolish and god. god and Satan.
Satan and a rubberband.
i am hello kitty with a gun.
therefore hello kitty.
therefore gun.
i am everything and nothing and i will not be contained.
i am confusing.
i'm at peace with this. and i think it's fabulous.:)
love and evol,
ana

Q. WHEN YOU ARE SHOWING YOUR GUNS ON CAM OR IN THE VIDEO, ARE THEY LOADED? ALSO WOULD YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE "DIVINE INTERVENTION" THAT HAPPENED WHEN THE RAPIST BUSTED IN YOUR HOUSE?

yes, the guns are loaded. i think it makes more of a statement that way. however, i never point a loaded gun at a person. that would be inappropriate.
the story of the intervention is long and complex, but i'll try to summarize it as much as possible....
when the guy started busting down my door out of nowhere, my first reaction was to hold the door shut. i was so confused. but when i saw the wood start splintering, i knew that i had to get out of the house. as soon as this all started,the phone started ringing, and rang the whole time. i knew it was my boyfriend that i was going out with at the time. i cannot explain the frustration of having a phone ringing and wanting to answer it at the same time as a guy/demon busting a hole through your door.
i ran to the back of the house to get out the back door. but you needed a key to unlock it to get out. i fumbled with the key, but just as i got the key in the lock, the man had busted through my door and grabbed me from behind. one hand holding my mouth, his other hand holding a knife to my throat. the phone kept ringing.
the phone was in a weird place in the house. a place not normal for where it usually was. it had been dragged into the kitchen where i was and it was ringing on the burner on the stove straight in front of me as the guy held me at knife point. i watched it ring. i was confused. i said "you can have anything you want" and he said in a low slimy voice "all i want is you, little girl". i knew this was the end. everything that he was going to do to me, transferred itself into my mind and body and i could feel the evil. it was as if , psychically, all the harm he wished me had been transplanted into my mind... in that way, i had been psychically/spiritually raped, and even at a cellular level i had been ,too. since i believe that thoughts are matter (but that is a frooty new age way to think, you might totally disagree that this is possible...however i tell you, it was real for me that this actually happened).
anyway, i thought, this is it. i'm going to die a horrible death. so without hardly thinking, i grabbed the phone with a free hand and threw it off the hook. in anger i saw his hand rise above me. i thought for sure he was going to stab me. but he hit me hard on my temple. having seen a lot of spy movies, i fell to the ground and pretended i was dead. he ran . i picked up the phone and it was my boyfriend. i told him to get over here asap. i grabbed the biggest kitchen knife i could find and called 911. they were rather blase. i sat crouched on the floor in what seemed forever waiting for the cops. i was still in the kitchen and there were a lot of windows in there. none of the windows had any coverings on them. i thought for sure the man would see i was still alive and come back to get me.so when the cops came, i did not even trust they were cops until i saw them within eyesight. i just sat huddled in the kitchen with a big knife.
the divine intervention part is that it was weird that the phone was ringing the whole time and that the rapist grabbed me so that i was facing the phone and that i was able to reach it. and the phone had flipped him out so much that it was ringing. let alone that i answered it, that he fled the scene.
he actually had hit me very hard, i just had not realized it with all the adrenalin running through my system. because where he hit me was connected to jaw muscles i wasn't able to open my mouth well or chew for over a week.
but i must say that good things did come out of it. it did confuse me so severely that it sent me on a lifetime path of "why"? which in a roundabout sent me on the spiritual quest i am still on today.
it sure did wake me up to a lot of issues i had not fully realized were there.so many issues it would take a bunch more pages to go into them here.
well, i guess i didn't summarize that very well. it's kinda hard to summarize.
life is a strange journey, to be sure. i wish i could've been sent on my spiritual quest from a more joyful catalyst. but , there u have it. i am glad i can see some good in the bad, or i'd truly go insane.
and it's nice to know that i've experienced PURE evil, and survived. it's impossible to describe the denseness of it. and i'm still assimilating and digesting that experience. perhaps my whole life i will be. but i sure hope not. i'd like to move on someday. maybe i'll never know "why" he did it. or why that sort of thing exists. i hope i can find peace with the mystery.
and i hope i never draw that sort of energy to me again...although i can feel the same sort of energy from a few posters at peeping moes, and some email i've gotten(and from a few posters on my bbs that i had, which is one of the reasons i took it down. i don't need that energy around me) i wish that schools, and friends and parents would teach from the very beginning constructive ways to deal with inner frustrations so that we need not keep unbringing such repression in people so that these people finally lash out in utter violence, or even in it's lesser forms of passive aggressive manipulation. because psychological abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. maybe even worse because it's so insidious and more invisible. i think that's why it's healthy(FOR ME), to "play" with guns. i get out my aggressions through role playing. i do not deny my violent nature, i let it come out to PLAY in ways that do not harm others. and in this way i remain more balanced. if i repressed my anger and would not allow it to exist, perhaps someday it would just "pop out" and i would blow somebody's head off.through my "art" i express my "dark" side in playful ways that harm none. this is good for me. maybe others should try it. but we seem so scared to even "go there" that we will lose control if we even delve into these sides of our personalities.
but believe me, it's fun and healthy. much better than punching someone or lashing out with hurtful words behind the mask of the net(see peeping moes, that i think started out rather nicely and now lately has become one of the most misogynist places on the net that i know of).
ok, this has gotten rather long. i have gone on another tangent. but i'm not done yet.:) another way that is really good for me to release my anger in a nonhurtful way is "primal scream therapy". but it's hard to find anywhere to do it because one can't just start screaming hysterically anywhere. people get pretty darn uncomfortable with strong displays of emotion. unless it is in the realm of "art" where it can safely be categorized away as "art" with a nice frame around it and a buffer from one's "real life". if it is "art" it cannot touch you. and it can be easily dismissed and categorized. no one has to deal with the possibility that it's REAL.so....
i've decided that the place i can scream without being thrown into the loony bin is on a stage. so next month in a club i'm going to do a "screaming piece". it feels absolutely fantastic to scream through a large p.a. and "let it all out". it's therapy for me and i feel so calm afterwards.
and people can be entertained and have a beer and go "oh, that's art" that cannot hurt me. but i do it for my own sanity to get out my aggressions and feel calmer.
these are some of the things i do to remain balanced and healthy. physical excercise is good ,too. and going dancing :) was this a coherent post? i do not know. it's 5:30am now. just got an a typing rampage. oops.
ummmmm....goodnight now :)
lol,
ana

Q. SO DO YOU CONDONE VIOLENCE?

well, i wouldn't go as far as to say that some people NEED to be killed. although, that may be so. i just don't know yet. intuitively i know that it is wrong to kill, however...right now at this point in my "evolution" i would say that this is a necessary point(for me) to cross and examine(having a gun).and yes, at this point in my life i would kill anyone who tried to rape me or do me other such harm. in the future i hope to come across a different way....kinda like luke skywalker :)
ana

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other news:
i won't be posting anymore at dankitti's ana bbs or the uncensored dankitti bbs due to some mean people pretending they're me and "making" me say stupid rotten things.
and the thing that is more disconcerting than people doing that is that people actually BELIEVE it's me. sad. :(
i posted 3 posts yesterday, 1) a post saying i wouldn't post 2) another post explaining that "i didn't say that" in the uncensored one 3) a post of an article written about me in a local paper.
those are it, any posts that follow anywhere over there under ANA or THE REAL ANA, are NOT me. i will not be posting there. no matter how mean or nice the posts by the fake me sound, they are not me. rest assured. i'll be making a password protected-members only bbs soon. i'll keep u updated on that.

also, please help the BUE ANARCHIVE. there are days missing over there. if u have pix from any of these missing days, please ftp them onto his site. bue and i would greatly appreciate this!!! :) there is a link to his site in ANArchives.

and ludvic harbinger(isn't that a GREAT name?) has infused a webpage with pure love. it is blue and you can go there and just soak in as much love you need from there. there are no words there or pictures. it is a blue page infused with love. go there and have some love!!!
here's the URL:
http://www.gla.ac.uk/Clubs/WebSoc/~8948091s/love.htm

that's all for now. sun's coming up again. :)

blue love and a warm gun,
ana

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