analog

Date: Tue, 10 March 1998

i've added archives from both anacan and ana2 in the arcana section of
this page. pleez check out my  "mirror series 1" i did with anacam from
awhile back... :) i'm pretty proud of those pix!

pleez help keep anacam up and running by becoming a member of ana2!!!
and thank u ana2 members for being such a great support! :) u r truly a
pleasure 2 interact with !

my newsgroup is alt.fan.ana-voog.
and here are some letters i wrote to my anacam mailing list...
if you'd like to become a subscriber, go to www.cooollist.com and where
it sez subscribe , type : anacam..

here are the emails to the list ( and, btw, i'm feeling A LOT better now
than these emails say...so don't worry too much about me..things have
just been a bit rough lately..)  :

sorry my cam pic was stuck on the same picture today for about
three hours this afternoon. i had this freaking crying fit breakdown
thing and i could not deal to reboot my computer during it. so i just
went into the tub and cried for a few hours. i seriously just had to
flip out and release all this tension in me from all this stuff being
asked of me..of why this and why that. and who are you ..no you are
this..no u r that..i just had a breakdown about society and all it's
categories.and the music biz on top of this cam and i cannot explain it
right now. maybe in a year after i get some perspective on this. but
it's all just a bit much and i feel like i'm riding a thin line between
art, insanity and total ridiculousness. i just need some nature really 
badly. i'm having spring fever in the worst way. being stuck in this
tiny apartment in snow with cams on ...i reached my limit for a second
there and just had to go freak out in the tub. and the cam crashed and
did that cannot connect thing and i was in the middle of crying and i
just could not deal with it. but so..i'm back up again. and i need to
turn inward for a bit and just clean my house and pet my dog and
meditate or something to rebalance myself. i was focusing too 
much outward, with the film crew being here and all. i need to turn
inward and recharge my batteries for a sec...so anyway..that is what is
up with me in a nutshell...
---------------------------------------
is it the thurs already? or is it the 2nd?i can't even believe
it's march! next month is my birthday, on april 18. i'll b 32!

i have been so sickly lately it's ridiculous! i just got over a
3 day migraine headache. it was the worst one i ever had. i was
throwing up and i thought i'd have to go to the emergency room. but i
just could not deal to go because they make u wait so damn long and then
they'd probably just give me tylenol and charge me $200, and i have no
health insurance, *sigh* but i have to go to a neurologist and just sell
something to come up with the $$ , 'cause i can't take this anymore. i
always get migraines around my period, so i know it's hormonal.
i've tried everything except acupunture, which i just could not
afford. i've tried all those pressure points, tylenol3, midrin, imitrex, 
pressure points on the hand, hot baths, homeopathy, herbs,ginger, 
caffeine, orgasms, u name it...
but i just can't go through another month of that headache,i was
just wriiiiithing in pain, i thought i would die. so i must get
SOMETHING.like a morphine dealer...anything.

i talked to an australian tv show called 60 minutes today. they
want to do a show on webcams. they have 5 million viewers! so i'll see
what transpires on that.

aside from writhing in pain, and talking on the phone that once 
today...i've done nothing else...as u most likely saw if u were
bored enough to watch me sleep and writhe and sleep and writhe..

more pics are up in arcana...the signup page to ana2 is now secure!!

btw, i don't think i'm schizophrenic if i define myself.
and my 9mm is a tokarov made in china. i guess it's not a very
good gun. i don't know, it was my first one. the .38 special is a wesson
thing, i think. all i know is they shoot, and that's good enough 4 me
right now...but i really have to learn more about them and how to
clean them and stuff. like my song says," and could u send me sum money
money money,i'm out of ammunition..."

oooo, i'm sooo sick of "unknown internet errors" on webcam32 i
could just screeeeeammmmm. reboooooting again again again...

about an artist's duty...i just don't feel an artist has to have
a duty. 
i make art 4 me 1st, and if anyone else likes it,then bonus :)
but of course , artist's should receive no special priviledges.
but it'd be nice if they received the SAME priviledges as a meat
packer. 
you cannot BELIEVE how many people scream at me about how now
i've "gone pay" (and anacam is STILL free and the same).
they just think i owe it to them to just entertain them for free
with my life and god help me i'm a whore if i want to pay for my
bandwidth.i just don't get it.
being a "camgirl" is highly undervalued by a lot of people. but
they just can't stop watching me or complaining about it, even though
it's free.
i don't know why so many people think that what i do has no
value. maybe they r just jealous. i don't know. 
maybe i'm letting too much information seep into my life.
but , it's two way...i can't stop reading those damn
bbs'....because i'm so curious as to what rotten things they will say
about me next.
it's a strange addiction! and i'm working on a way to stop going
there. lol. one thing is for certain, i think i am more entertained by
my cam than anyone else out there watching it. everyday i just do not
know what is going to happen. it is incredibly amusing to me.
and frustrating. and ugly. and hilarious, and wondrous, and
grotesque...
---------------------------------
voog is estonian, it is a noun that means "a flow"
---------------------------------
there is an article on me in the online-edition of the german
magazin
DER SPIEGEL, the biggest european magazine. 

the url is: http://www.spiegel.de/netzwelt/themen/anacam.html
--------------------------------------
ok...no more talking about the war in iraq. ok? :)
and no more talking about clinton.
just no more politics of that sort. sorry. everyone is unsubbing.
and...i'm not even reading my own list! LOL! so...onto new topics..
------------------------------------
i'm just guessing that it might b the 7th. i dunno. it's saturday. i 
just woke up.i haven't written much to the list lately, so i thought i'd
try to babble something out to u all :)
but i can't think of what to say! i think i've been in IRC so
much lately, that i get a lot of discussion out there. and then all
the bbs and stuff. it certainly was nuts all over argument-wise and then
it all sort of died down. i know that it was an nrg of some
sort...whether a shift or something, i dunno, making people really
irritable and impulsively rude.

i'm going to tear down my stupid ugly loft this weekend, and
start redecorating my little apartment. it needs it! my loft is a
crazy tree-house bed-thing above my couch. the guy that made it 4 me
was an insane asshole who never finished the job. i'm sick of going up
and down ladders, too. 
i want to cover my walls in coloured saran wrap, and i'm working
out the best way to do that.

i did an interview with a freelance writer for penthouse. she
was doing a piece on webcams, not just me. i dunno when that will come
out. i talked to a bio writer at my record company to get my promo bio
thing done. i just don't know how i can b condensed. i hope they get
it right, it makes me nervous.

about feverfew, as i said, i've tried all herbs. my breasts are 
saline...what is this other kind u mentioned, sarah? tri-lucent
or something?
also, my headaches aren't from stress or staring at monitors, i
get these headaches the last 9 years or so always at the end of my
period.

i just woke up from a dream that i was in a ufo and i brought my 
cordlesss phone with and it still worked way above the city of
new york. i tried to get them to fly past my friend's window.
i had another dream that i was singing this fantastic song that
was very "dead can dance"ish and diamonda galas came up and
congratulated me on my fine singing :) then i used her bathroom on the
plane.

i dream about famous people a lot. i think i must have dreamed
about every famous person by now. most times i am comforting them for
some reason.

wow, i'm just staring, it's taking me a lot to wake up...i'm
just still in my dreams that i cannot explain. but there have not been
as much nightmares in the last few days, and i've had about 3 that i
could actually say were good! so...i feel something really positive is
going to come in my life soon, or it is here already and i just have
to see it. duh. most likely the latter or both!

wow, gee, deep letter we have here. ya. ok. 
i have food in the house and this is a positive change. i think
i shall go eat a bowl of wheaties or microwave something...

still grey here...but the grey isn't as thick...
---------------------------------------------------
hello everyone :) what a day! i'm sorry to sarah who has pneumonia :(((
it is the time for some of us to go within and spring clean our souls. 
at least that is how i see being sick..that my body is forcing the rest
of myself to STOP and extricate and integrate and watch a lot of trash
tv.
{{{{{SARAH}}}}} much luv 2 u for your healing!!!!!

so much has been going on with me that i just haven't been able to
write...'cause it's all just "little stuff" like I MUST CLEAN MY
HOUSE!!! and guilting myself out and wondering what is wrong with me as
to why i am not cleaning it and feeling overwhelmed by it...and then all
this thinking about it exhausts me more than cleaning my house, so then
i have to take a nap...and then i feel awkward taking a nap 'cause i
feel like everyone on the net is going SHE'S SLEEPING AGAIN AND SHE JUST
WOKE UP! WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? and i go WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? and i
feel awkward but my stubborness to do what i want  let's me sleep
anyway, then i wake up and go...ok...are you going to clean your house
NOW? and IF you clean your house...what angle should the cam be on? and
how can i fit into my now smaller picture in anacam..a caption that
tells what i'm thinking...'cause my thoughts are shifting all over...and
i'm so exhausted...and i can't say too much in the caption...or it'll
take up too much of the picture and people will complain..and i don't
want to sound too "down" 'cause i maybe i always sound  "down" but i'm
not..'cause right now i'm listening to Kate Bush and singing along as i
type this and i have all my candles burning and incence going and i feel
rather happy (cause i just woke up from a nap!)...but it probably
doesn't LOOK like i'm happy 'cause i'm "just typing" and i'm "not
smiling"...but how do i convey what is going on with me? i cannot! so i
type here and then i stick it in an analog ,too..and i hope people will
read what i wrote when they they were looking at me typing and
understand a bit more 
of what is happening. and then i think "i'm totally insane...who fucking
CARES you self-absorbed weirdo! if u spent less time typing about typing
and typing about cleaning and analyzing what people think of you as you
take a nap..then you'd get your house clean!" then that thought makes me
tired...so i type more to wake up...and typing is meditational and i
wonder when does the part come where i get to look back at this and
laugh? :)) it must be coming up soon...

but really there is so much going on than just that...that is just the
surface...like dust or static clogging up the "real" picture. the
picture behind the picture behind the picture...
the truth is..i cannot really TELL u what is going on with me right
now...because it is too personal and involves people that i might hurt
their feelings if i really wrote "what's up" with me right now.
which is why i need to write in my paper journal that is just for me
about that. i used to write everyday in my journal since i was 22. i
used up about 2" inches of paper a year on journals. but now most is
taken up writing to bbs and email and here...so i save all of this to
print out later...becausee for some ODD reason i am obessed with
documenting my life. i can't decide if this is bad or good. perhaps
neither. perhaps it just "is" there i go again...round and round..

anyway..yes, about personal things...like one i can sort of say is i
have been very bothered by an x-boyfriend.(no, it is NOBODY u ever saw
on my cam ever) the reason that i hesitate to write about it here is
that i'm sure that it will eventually get back to him what i write about
here and this will feed into his ego that i am writing about him.(sorry
for my poor sentence structure!!!) but , so be it, i did love him once,
and i still do love him as much as i now hate him.
i broke up with him last october because of his extreme posessiveness
and because he drank too much and would get very psychotic.

anyway, then u might remember i had sex with my previous
boyfriend(robert) on the net about a month after that. robert and i are
still good friends (obviously). well, i hoped that my latest x-boyfriend
would not find out for awhile. i will call this latest one "666", since
i will not use his real name. ( i'm sure he will be laughing his head
off when/if he reads this). 
so...a few weeks ago "666" found out that robert and i had had sex "on
the net". in october i told 666 not to call me anymore ever again
because he was calling me 10 times a day out-of-it on "drugs" and
talking like something out of the exorcist(literally..he sounded
possessed by demons quite literally..talking in "tongues" or
something..HOW DO I FIND THESE GUYS??? i mean, this is not the 1st guy i
have gone out wih like this...there was "the vampire man"...but that's
another story and he was later diagnosed as psychotic, too..i had to get
a restraining order on him, as well..WHAT A LIFE!)
ok...i'm getting convoluted here..but so is the state of my mind right
now..now u know why i SLEEP!
anyway...666 was doing well at not calling me on the phone. but
then...666 found out about my sex i had in november or whenever that
was...and the psycho-obsessive phone calls began again.
he demands that i give him back every last thing he ever gave me ( every
letter, etc.) or he will take a plane and retrieve these things himself.
that is the jist of it..from what i can make out in between him
seething, breathing loudly, mumbling, talking in backwards hebrew,
swearing at me calling every last thing on earth and doing a VERY good
job sounding like jack nicholson in "the shining" to something from your
choice of demon-possession movies.
i really can see where people might think demon posession is real. i
have seen people i loved "taken over" by these "things"...but i think
they r within us...not something outward. psychosis is a MYSTERIOUS
thing. is there a treatment for it? and why have i run into it so
personally in my life? it really can fuck with your mind as you see
someone you love, and someone you let inside of your body, transform
themselves into a hateful, violent demon before your eyes...
it just really confuses me...it confuses me and hurts me so much i
cannot even describe it.
everytime he would say these hurtful things to me when we were still
going out...he would apologize so profusely and say that indeed he was
posessed by demons.  but i think that was an easy way out for him to
blame it on an outward source...as if the things he did to me when in
this state were not really "him". ok...back to his last phone call to me
that made me break it off...i finally picked up the phone after a long
string of CRAZED phone calls from him all night. i said "STOP IT YOURE
SCARING ME!!!!" and he said "oh, i'm sorry ,sweetie.. i was just so
upset because i had this dream that i killed you..."
and i said " THAT'S IT !!! DO NOT CALL ME EVER AGAIN!!" (if my mother
ever reads this she will flip out that i went through this...she thinks
that i run into these guys because i'm in the music industry and if i
just got out of this business i would meet a nice guy , etc....but these
guys are EVERYWHERE..ya you know who u r...)
so 666 was concerned that he might kill me. that's what i deducted from
that conversation. end of THAT relationship. period. so i had hoped.
well, here he is again...666 already called three times today with his
threats and demands. so i had to change my # the 2nd time this week
because of him. and i had to call the cops, and call the domestic abuse
center, etc etc and see what are my rights and how i can protect myself.
i found out that i cannot get a restraining order on him because he
doesn't live in my state. because in order to get one, he must show up
in court with me (ya, like i want this guy NEAR ME). 
SO, IF he comes into my state...THEN i can start the proceedings...
which i think is truly FUCT. because if you are scared that your life is
in danger...why do u have to wait for the guy to show up at your door
before you can do anything to protect yourself???  ya, thanks mr.
government...i feel so SAFE(sarcasm).
so anyway..so i called a friend of 666 and told him to please tell 666
that if he comes into my state he will have to go to court because i
will start the proceedings for a restraining order right that second.
so i hope he conveys him that information. and if not,perhaps he will
see it here.(meaning that i might post this letter in an analog..i am
debating this...because i do not want to add fuel to his fire...his ever
bloated ego that he is so "BAD" and "all that ooo scary goth guy ooo
powerful with the ways of "the forces" whatever..like he can even
control his own want for beer let alone his control of any "force"
bigger than his one penis..ya..whatever).

so anyway again...i've just been through the mill lately...i don't mean
to be a bummer and i will survive through this and make it to the next
level again..like i always do..and then i'll be talking about more
"positive" things...but right now....this is the shit i'm dealing with.
so...when u see me laying there sleeping, staring, or typing or talking
on the phone...you just don't really know WHAT i might be going
through...it's funny how i just cannot convey what is happening with me
through this cam thing. sometimes i convey certain things almost..but
sometimes i just cannot convey what is happening with me through just
pictures and a little caption. but that's what i like is that challenge
of limitation sometimes (like haiku or writing a pop song)....and
sometimes that limitation is just a BITCH and i want to soar through my
monitor and just INSTANTLY convey what is going on with me to you so u
do not get the wrong idea.

i do not know why it is so important to me for people not to get the
wrong idea about me. that is one reason i started my cam...so that the
music industry would not be able to get the "wrong idea"about me and
stick me in a category...
but the more information i give...the more i am likely to be
misunderstood, it seems...

like now, if i post this letter to my analog...i'll bet a bunch more
people stick me in that "victim" category..or you know..."that"
category...like my mother thinks that "the music industry" is the big
bad wolf and all the bad psycho people go there. ya, it's so easy to
just say that and put it all in a nice neat fence and then just don't
"go there". but that doesn't take into account the guy that stalked me
and tried to rape me when  i wasn't "in a band" or anything...and i was
"just" working in retail. or what about the guy that came in showing me
his penis when i worked at the donut shop (oh, is THAT what those holes
are for?)...or what about those psycho bosses i had when i worked at
that hospital?  ya, it just doesn't take into account the whole rest of
life....but it's so nice and illogical and flawed to blame it on "those
artist types". we just show it on the outside more is all. we just write
about it and paint about it and "cam" about it.

anyway, i could go on and on spiralling about on tangents on any one of
those sentences up there. and that's just tiny fraction of what is
happening with me personally right now.

and that's why i haven't done much "art" with the cam lately....
life cycles on and on...now come to think of it....it was 9 years ago i
had to get a restraining on "vampire man"....9 year cycles. and this is
almost EXACTLY like 9 years ago. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THIS???  so in another 9 years do i
have to get ANOTHER restraining order on someone i loved and trusted?
what is the MEANING?????  IS THERE MEANING?????

ah, the big "WHY?" again....

yuck,
ana