anagram 03.23.99
(page 5 of 6)
3/28/90 10:41pm Tuesday
I'm moving in with Kim Antle and Lorna Doone. All my things are in the bedroom
and Cris has made his house out of the rest. He's aslep with his kids now. I
had Monday, Tuesday, WEdnesday, Thurday off and Aja( cris' daughter) was over
Monday, and all three kids on Tuesday. Harris on Wednesday and I move on Thursday.
So much for four days off. Since all my things are packed and cramped in here,
in this little bedroom, there's not much I can do. I've just been washing dishes
and doing laundry and fixing odds and ends to keep my mind mundane. I feel surprisingly
brave and nonchalant about this whole thing. It's like "oh well".
But once in awhile I get a tinge..like now. I just don't want to end up being
another one of his tormented poems.. He wants me to be out of reach so he can
put me on a pedestal and write tortured poetry about my eyes or something, like
he did with Lisanne. Fuck that Shit. He thinks everything's going to be ok now.
He's not losing anything, just gaining space since we're still going to go out.
But I don't trust him anymore. I don't know what he's going to do while I'm
away. What exotic muse next? How do i know what's going on in his head? I don't.
I never will I suppose. He's so secretive about everything. I can't see his
poetry or his paintings. Makes me paranoid like they are about other women or
something. Is he going to repeat his past mistakes or really work them out this
time? Will I stick it out or say Fuck it? It's his loss, I feel. What a dumb
fuck chasing after shadows, muses, ghosts, oh how tantalizing! Is that being
alive? Never to touch the living thing...only a breath apart. How stupid. I
hope this all works out, for me at least. And where the hell is my record contract?
At least I have a ( hopefully) cool place to stay. I still have my job, my band,
and I'm not falling to pieces. I hope it's nice tomorrow like it was tosay (
55 degrees). I didn't go out today "cause I was so frantic ironing, etc.
Cris and I hardly said a word. I didn't pay any attention to him and I mostly
didn't feel like it but once in awhile I'd get a feeling of "fuck you!
pay some attention to me". And he did once in awhile. But I'm leaving it
all up to him. No more of this groveling shit ( I hope). I feel hostile. I feel
like "you jerk, open up your fucking eyes and see what you're throwing
away. Can't he see he's losing me or doesn't he even care? The second I'm gone
I'm sure he'll be writing his tormented poetry. Living his "romantic"
lifestyle of The Cure, Bauhaus, liquor, cigarettes, coffee, linliness, vampires,
looking out the window and saying" oh, what's wring with me? I'm so misunderstood."
Wishing he could change into a raven and fly away from it all. But it will only
haunt him till the end of time until he finds out it's all right there for him
to eat, feel, touch, communicate, kiss, love, see. I hope it will still be me.
I don't want to be another picturem, another poem, another ghost. Let me be
real! Let me come alive and kiss you with warm and real lips. Let me next to
you. Let us touch and start the real adventure!
4/28/90 8:26am
I can't sleep. I broke up with Cris yesterday at 10am. The night before we had
a pretty good time together, getting my food stampos for the last time and then
shopping at Rainbow for food. Then we came back to my house and discusssed nikki
and what sort of relationship he had with her. I said that the thing that still
makes me the most angry is that he brought that drawing of her back with him
to our house. She had started the drawing and she wanted him to finish it. And
that knowing it hurt me so badly and that is was just bloody awful timing, he
still refused to not get the drawing out our house because he is so stubborn.
I cannot and no one can tell him what to draw. Then he drove me to work with
my Tv so I could watch Twin Peaks at work. I felt we left on a sour note even
though he said it was OK. It kept gnawing at me and I felt so insecure that
I called him two times from my work to talk. Then I called him at five minutes
to 8 and it just rang and rang. Then I called him one minute later and the answering
machine was on. I said please call me later when I get off work because I'm
so depressed I need to talk to you. Then I called him about 1/2 an hour later
and just left a cute message. Then I went home and it was raining. I called
him at 9:30 and said I was sorry I was calling so much but I never do this sort
of thing and I was so depressed and would he please call me no matter how late
he got home. Then I called again at 11:30 and left a message that I had decided
not to go back to work to Partytime and dance ( I was considering working a
few days a week for some extra cash) because it just wasn't worth it and I should
try to get money from my art and would he take some pictures of my drawings
for me for a brochure? Then I went to bed, but i woke up at 12:30am and called
again, this time the answering machine ws not on...it just rang and rang. So
I went back to bed and woke up at 1:30am and called again and again it just
rang and rang. So I knew something was up because he was home but he wasn't
calling me. So I went back to sleep really pissed off. Got up at 8am to go to
work and was still extremely pissed off. I wanted to call him but I decided
to wait until 11am. Got to work and then found out that i need my secret code
to use my calling card at work so that I could call Nick Ralph (and find out
what's up with my record contract) and charge it to Cris' phone, which is still
under my name, too. And to get my secret code I needed to call from Cris' phone.
So I called CRis and the answering machine was on and I explained quite coldly
how I needed him to call this number to get this code. THis was at 9:15. At
9:25 he called me back all sleepy and asked what I wanted. I hostily explained
my situation then asked why he didn't call me last night. He'd been "out"
he said and didn't see the answering machine light blinking because it was covered
up with papers and he didn't listen to it until very late and he didn't kow
he could call that late, even though in my messages I said he could call me
as late as he wanted. I said "where did you go?". He said "to
a movie". I said "with who?". he said "with nikki".
I said "Fuck you" and hung up on him. Then immediately he called me
back and I don't remember what we said but I said "you goddamn bastard"
then he hung up. I called back and it just rang and rang. It was 9:30am and
we weren't open yet( at ragstock) til 10am. So i left Nique at work a note saying
I'd be back at 10 ( she came into work then) and I stormed over to Cris' in
such a hysterical rage that I thought I might pass out on the way there. I opened
his door to the apartment and the chain was on so I screamed "You bloody
bastard open the door! I say the reason you didn't call me last night was because
Nikki must've been over till 4 or 5am. HOw late was she over? " and he
said "She's still here."
I broke down in the hallway to my knees pushing at the door, my hand reaching
inside the apartment sobbing "oh my god oh my god oh my god . Did you sleep
in the same bed?" he said "yes". I said "You goddamn bastard
oh my god DID YOU HAVE SEX?" he said "no no no" I just kept sobbing
"let me in let me in let me in you've got to let me in if this is going
to get settled and I've got to call for the secret cide" So he let me in.
Nikki was sitting IN the bed looking extremely nervous. I said to her I was
sorry she had to see me this way and I didn't blame her or hate her ( even though
I wanted to kill her) and that she probably didn't realize that this was going
on with Cris and I and that I had told CRis if he had a woman overnight I would
break up with him and wouldn't you feel a little distrustful if your boyfriend
was sleeping with other women?" She said "yes".And CRis said
it was good that I said that...oh like THANKS for your approval FUCKhead. So
I tried to make my phone call but couldn't. Cris came in the bedroom where the
phone was and I told him "You've got to ask nikki to leave. I've got to
talk to you."
He said "why? can't we talk here?" he WANTED HER TO STILL STAY! i
said "If you've got even an ounce left of respect for me you will ask her
to leave so we can discuss this" so he said ok. He went into the livingroom
and god knows what he said to her so she left. Then I made my phone call then
went into the livingroom and said "you realize I said I would break up
with you if you had another woman overnight" he said he was "going
to tell me and was hoping we could work it out". I said "sure you
would. And I still would've broken up with you" i said "would you
have told me that you two slept in the same bed?" He said probably not.
I said "You bet you wouldn't I just can't believe you would throw all of
this away just for this. This is the stupidest thing I hope you had a goddamn
good conversation with her because it cost you your girlfriend". He just
lay there on the bed expressionaless, staring at the ceiling. He said he had
to have the choice of having people overnight and that I shouldn't set that
limit on him. I said "you shouldn't have promised you wouldn't then"
he said he didn't want to have a relationship with anyone or have sex with anyone.
So I said "but if the moment should arise, you'd like the freedom to do
so?" he said "yes". I got up and pet Spot and said "bye"
and I walked out the door. At cris' I had taken two xanax and they didn't even
have any effect on me. I got to work at 10:15am and told Nique. I was kicking
everything. I called Wendy to see if she could come to work early so I could
leave at three and she said yes. I worked like a maniac. I was so furious. There
are no words. NIque left to go to the bank and I called CRis saying "I
am not Sue because I was hysterical ( He had called me that in the hall). I
said "ANY woman would be hysterical at that. And the line he gave me about
how I didn't give him the "freedom to tell me" to guilt me out for
finding him in bed with another woman ( 17 year old girl) is utter bullshit
and I want ALL my dishes packed nicely with newspaper by the 30th because I'm
coming over on the 30th to get all my stuff and I want to make it as quick as
possible".
He said "ok" then I hung up. I walked home from work at 2:45 in some
drizzle, went to my room and bawled. I called up Cris but his answering machine
was on. I caled two more times sobbing and left the sobbing message of "why?"
on his answering machine which I probably shouldn't have done. Then I lay in
bed in a haze then got up and tried to eat some hard boiled eggs because I hadn't
eaten yet. AT 7:00 I went to practice and played very vigorously.
I came home and felt
in a pretty good mood about my band and I was hyper and exhausted. My mom called
at 10:20 to see if I was OK. I had called her from work previously with my calling
card. I called Nick from work, too but just left a message on his machine to
call me at work and miraculously he called me back at work. He explained that
my album would probably be out in August now and we would only tour if I got
some press, maybe in the winter. I said "I realize I'm in no position to
pressure you but we have to know what's going on because Carolyn wants to get
married this Fall and has to plan it". He said that I've been extremely
patient and that he's sorry. I said "So if I don't get the contract in
May, please call me" He said "ok" Now it is 9:19pm and I'm furious
but I'm glad to have the pressures of the band thing off right now except for
that we've got some shows coming up which I'm actually feeling sort of excited
about because it feels "real" now. May 19th, a Saturday at the 7th
St Entry we play with Roger Miller and the 27 Various. We are playing under
the pseudonym of Eye Sea. July 24th we are playing under the pseudonym "Roundness"
and august 14th under the pseudonym "Feast". Willy Wisely who books
it said to call him every week to see if there are any cancellations he could
slot us into. So I hope we get a lot of shows and I get over stage fright and
we get really good. I'm going to totally soak myself into the band and write
some songs on my 4 track hopefully next month because I'm moving into my bigger
room upstairs May 1st, thank god. But I've got to air the place out and get
carpet cleaner and I'm going to paint my walls a different colour and have my
own SPACE! Living here has been somewhat of a drag so far but I'm getting used
to it. My room is cool with this great art deco chandelier and curtains from
the 40's covering each wall because it is really a tiny sun room. I only have
one elecric outlet and I have blown three fuses since i moved here. But I'm
getting more comfortable all the time. Lorna and JIm are very nice. But chris,
the guy getting kicked out, is a severe alcoholic and smelly, so that's why
I have to fumigate his room before I move into it. On my birthday Cris and I
went to the New Zoo and saw the movie Camille Claudel. We had a wonderful romantic
time until after the movie I got sort of depressed because I didn't want to
end up like her.. Cris then had a headache and we went back to his house and
fell asleep. We woke up in a good mood. We were having so much fun that day.
Easter was hell because we almost broke up that day because I found out that
Cris didn't know whether or not he wanted to change or not and hadn't made any
appointments to see a psychologist because he thought he could figure it out
himself. I said I didn't know whether or not I could wait for his reply..i might
be waiting forever then and so I should probably break up with him. I almost
did. Then he had to go to work and I said we may as well have Easter dinner
together because I'm going to be miserable without you and miserable with you,
so I may as well with you, if that made any sense. He thought he would get off
early at 8pm but didn't get off until midnight, which took all day,then i had
a MIGRAINE so I took tylenol every three hours and lots of xanax so by the time
we got to his house I was well blitzed and we had ham sandwhiches and then fell
straight to sleep. Oh ya, and what started the argument which I was I was writing
about back there then scribbled it out because I thought it came later but it
came 1sst. It was that when Cris came to get me and we went to Rainbow at midnight
to get food, who should we run into but Nikki! It was almost as if it were a
sign saying "you are covering this up and pretending that everything's
ok. Don't forget!" And he almost forgot to introduce me to her again. I
was well pissed. So the next morning I got up and argued about it. And that's
why we almost broke up. I also was DREADING that movie Camilli Claudel to come.
I thought it would throw Cris into a tormented artist mood but when we saw it
together I was depressed but he seemed fine so I thought , well, thank god I
was wring. But the movie Cris went to see was Camille Claudel the night she
stayed over. It wasn't the movie, obviously, that broke us up, but I was intensely
afraid of that movie to come because I knew somehow it meant great doom to me.
I may as well stop writing for now as I"m going to get up now and get ready
to see this movie at the Uptown at 11am called "The Goddess Remembered"
Then I have to go to work 1:00 to 9pm. It's now 9:44am and I feel like I'm living
in a nightmare.