anagram 03.23.99
(page 6 of 6)

4/29/90 3:04am
Well, after all the support I got from all my friends today and even Susan( cris' x-wife) and all of them trying so hard to tell me not to call him, I went home after 9pm and called him at 10pm and asked if he would come over. Even if I was being a wimp and being addictive it made me so ecstatically happy that I wanted to cry. He finally came over at 1am in which he basically said he can't promise me anything and he has to have the freedom to choose anything in order to find himself. Well, I have about a billion arguments as to why that's pretty stupid but I'm too exhausted to go into it here. I know everyone will be mad at me that I called him, but I'm glad I did because I couldn't let it end on that horrible note before. Not that this was somehow better. I don't know. We cried and cried and I tried to let him see some light, but he's SO confused. I talked to Nikki today at Kkomoz because iI had to ask if they were really fucking around or just friends. I'm too exhausted to go into details but she said they were just friends, thatr's what made me decide to call him and maybe even reconcile things. Love knows no pride. But no can do. Cris is fucked-up confused. He is a bleeding idiot. But I love him and he loves me. What a pathetic meaningless tragedy. I'm so tired.

4/29/90 2:45pm
It's been raining now for 2 days and been very cloudy and cold again. 45 degrees today. Why is now the best time to make your kitchen sparkle like new? For the recorded message call 879-4343. The time is 2............47. The current temperature is...................45. Song title: I DON'T REMEMBER YOU repeated over and over like a chanting morning dove.

5/13/90 1:37am
I'm confused. I've moved into my room upstairs. The walls looked great until I moved my many racks of clothes in here. I live for Twin Peaks on Thursdays. I bought some magnetized alphabet letters that are multicoloured. I have a lot to say but it's too exhausting to write it. I can't believe I have no boyfriend. I broke down and called Cris and we decided I'd stay overnight at his house tomorrow. We were trying to figure out a time he could see me but I had made a lot of plans because tomorrow I'm going to see The Cynics at the Uptown. I said I was going with Wendy and that I wouldn't be able to talk to him 'cause I'd be dancing. I really love that fuckhead. Dr. Simon doubled my dosage of antidepressants so now I take 100 mg. of Sinequan. My xanax has increased from 1/2 tablets three times daily to 1 tablet 3 times daily. I can't believe I'm functioning at all. I think I'm coming to terms with this better than I thought I could. And I don't give a shit about Ed now with all this pain with Cris. Ed seems so blah compared to Cris. I called up Ed maybe a week ago blubbering and crying about Cris to him. He seemed inept at dealing with human emotion as usual and I was half an hour late for inventory as I was crying so hard I couldn't stop. But that was good because it's hard to cry when you're on these antidepressants. I decided to name my stuffed Turtle who has been my comfort through this "Peruse". I found out what that word means and I like the meaning. When I got this turtle months ago, I was walking home and I saw an ad for a newspaper and it said "use or peruse" and I liked that word. So until I found out what it meant I was just calling him "Mr. Turtle". I was thinking about going back to dancing part-time and decided not to deal with it since it makes me feel so uncreative and I want to start writing a lot of songs nowe that I've got my space. My favourite song on the radio right now is "This and That" by Michael Penn. And I've ben listening to Peter Murphy's "Deep" a lot.
I definitely feel some sort of rebirth or growth or maturity coming on. Also hardness, cynicism, mistrust, fear. But I've got to turn this thing into something good. Funny, now that I can go to London, I don't want to somehow. I feel that's not the answer right now. I need to refine who I am and heal and get stronger. Really define what it is I want and who I am. It's miracle this place opened up to me right when I needed to move. Sometimes things seem so predestined. That's when I feel out-of-control, like I'm just stumbling through an already cut path for me and I'm totally blind. Feeling the walls, where they turn, where there are bumps, ditches, steps. Oh my god, I'm actually liking this Trip Shakespeare song on 104. I wish my band could fucking sing. Sometimes I feel they really hold me back, but it's fun to be limited to see what you can do with it. Like how many things can you do with macaroni and cheese or something. Stretching that dollar. Oh ya, I just dyed my hair black today and the blonde strip turned to grey.
I'm starting to collect a lot of clothes again instead of feeling this need to get rid of them. A lot of that was Crs' dissaproval that I had so many clothes even though he said after awhile it didn't bug him. It made me feel guilty. But fuck that. I can do whatever I want now. I can pile my clothes to the ceiling. I wore this great Amadeus outfit today and a very pink fake fur jacket. Pink is such an amazingly uplifting and funny freaky colour. I wish I didn't look so bad in it. I like my room. It's pretty comfy. I've got to stop feeling so insecure and bending to try to become something to please others. Like in what I would wear I would always think "what would Ed or Cris like me to wear? How can I be attractive for them?" Did they do that for me? Well, I guess I got Cris to accept these musicals from the 40's and 50's and The Prisoner's. goodnight I say goodnight I say goodnight I say goodnight. I actually heard The Soft Boys on 104 today. Life is so weird again and it keeps gettng weirder. 2:17am

5/22/90
I wrote this poem on this page on 6/13/89. It's almost freaky and prophetic that I wrote it for some reason on the 1st page of the grey page section of this journal . It fits right in to my life now. Very weird.

there's an old man
with a suitcase
and he's tieing at
his bootlace
then he looks up
and he sees her
and he's feeling
like a cold blur

he remembers
on the landing
how he wasn't
understanding
and he wants to
now forget it
how he said it
how he spit it

she looked then
like a shadow
like a grey wind
like a grey wind
wet and sallow
whitened neck
inside's bleeding
he didn't see that
she was needing

now he sees her
with a young man
he grows older
as they hold hands
she's so different
when she's smiling
and she looks so
tantalizing

there's an old man
with a suitcase
'cause it's really
how he feels safe
but he looked up
and he saw her
now he's feeling
like a cold blur

6/19/89 Midnight on a full moon
( ideas for an album someday jotted down all over)

Charlotte Quinn and the Eye Sea( Tries on some eyes)
Charlotte Quinn
I want it all
try it on
looking in the river
the drowning
go back
turning burning
take her to the eye sea
i was cleopatra
she works in a record store
scene queen
be
everything is
you create your own universe ( or something like that)
who's got it figured out?
where do i begin?
( it's your movie?)
--------
taker her to the eye sea
so she tried on a pair of eyes
then another
then another
and after she had been everybody and everything
and seen it all, what did she find out?
Nothing! NOthing at all!
SHE LAUGHED.
she had learned nothing but she sure had fun
"what do eye sea?"
eye sea nothing
and it was.
nothing
it disappeared
and she laughed a laugh and bit her lip
which made her laugh more
everything is nothing nothing is everything everything is everything nothing is nothing
everything is and it sure is fun! imagine that!
1) Lavinia Quinn ( was a scene queen and worked in a record store)
2) it's all the same
3) i want it all
4)try it on
5)looking in the river
6)the drowning
7) go back
8) take her to the eye ea
9) i was cleopatra
10) eye sea nothing
11) she laughed
12) everything

lavinia quinn tried on some eyes.

5/20/90
(a letter to cris never given to him)
Dear Cris,
The day of my show all day it rained and rained ( 5/19/90), oh yesterday. So much has happened and gone through mu mind. It's so weird not to have you here to talk to. I feel like my cord has been cut. It's weird to know I won't run into you. I like that I'm taking care of Spot because I love him and I guess I still wanted that attachment to you and I couldn't bare the thought of anyone else sharing the intimacy of it, even though it's not that intimate. I suppose it is, being in your apartment, getting your mail, petting Spot, beng around your things. I haven't been there much yet. It would be nice in a way to not have to do it at all so I couls be completely separated from you ( but everything reminds me of you , anyway). So the day of my show I go up and was going to go to rummage sales, then ERik said "let's do it on another day 'cause it's so rainy out". So I sat down and read "little birds" by Anais Nin. All the stories made me mad because everyone was being unfaithful to each other and it made me wonder if soime of these characters are like you. Then I was also jealous that I could not be like that..have many lovers and have it not matter. But all those people are so unhappy and unsatisfied. The stories never had happy endings. Is this how life is? It angered me because it's so much like life. But why does it have to be that way? Why do I not feel like this? Am I somehow missing out on some sort of danger and sensuality? Am i boring? Am I just lying to myself and denying myself something? I began to try to think like you. I felt angry with me, angry with the book and you. Angry that you have made me feel jealous of anything sensual because I feel you do not share these things with me only with othe people. So even alone I feel repelled by things because they only remind me of you and how much you will not share with me. So I say to myself, I must be independant. I can enjoy these things alone. I will not be robbed of sensuality for MY GOD I am a woman! And a very sensual one. I started thinking about my band and that how you feel onstage is how the audience feels. It's like you invite them into your art. It is so immediate. And like sex with someone you don't know....you can either be nervous, shy uptight and closed or you can let yourself go to feel the pleasures, just for what they are and not actually love the person but just love life and the situation. So I let myself go onstage. It's very much like letting go with a lover you do not know. You are vulnerable. You do not know who they are or if they will hurt you, but to live life to the fullest you must take that chance or live a very bland life.
I was actually nervous for the show. Actually I wasn't nervous till the soundcheck came and it was SOUNDCHECK FROM HELL. Everything was sounding like mud and all our instruments were out of tune and we were singing off key. Then I got VERY nervous. Even Carolyn who never is nervous was nervous. We were all uptight. But when we got on stage, and it was pretty crowded, maybe 70 people, I was shaking like a leaf for the 1st few songs. I was praying to god. It was working. By the last few songs I didn't get it all out, but more than I usually do. None of our instruments went out of tune once which was strange because my guitar has been going out of tune incessabtly for the last few weeks. I just put all my trust in god/theuniverse that my fingers would know where to go and that I would belt out that high note without cracking. Everyone was impressed. Richy said it was wonderful. Ed said it was phenomenal and that the audience was extremely quiet and attentive. Christine, Brian's girlfriend was extremely impressed and Lisa Raye was, of course way enthusiastic. Tom Roberts said it was the most emotional peformance he's ever seen me do. I was so happy it was over. And of people like us now, wait until we actually get GOOD!! I thought about you a lot and wished you were there so that maybe you could be proud of me and see that you really loved me and maybe fall in love with me all over again. I was thinking about how you were probably thinking about me being onstage and finding it hard to imagine and feeling detached. I got somewhat drunk and really stoned with Richy. I stoood with Richy and watched The 27 Various thinking a million thoughts at once through each song. Everytime I see him it gets harder and harder to imagine that once he was my closest boyfriend. I watched Jennifer dancing to Ed's music, her eyes fixed only on him. I felt very detached like it was a slight deja vu. I thought about how Jennifer is very pretty and that maybe I would like to kiss her. But I think that is because I hate the thought that Ed has something he will not share. I want to know how he feels. Which is how I feel about you, jealous of Nikki who is so beautiful. I would like to know her but you have robbed me of that pleasure and will not share. It is like you are closing doors on me which makes me want to all he more smash them open and get to be better friends withh Nikki than even you so I can stick out my tongue at you and say fuck you, they think I am more interesting than you! Why do not find me interesting enough?
anyway, today I woke up in an incredibly great mood because I had a great accomplishment of being on stage and winning people's appreciation and respect. Especially Ed. And I had a fun time despite the fact that you were not there! It was sunny and beautiful. I walked to work and a man said my hair was beautiful and he seemed to mean it.
I went to Kafte and got a free peppermint tea. Work was as usual. A very olf frirnd named Trish ( you probably know her. She was friends/lovers with Susan Lynn) who I haven't seen in years looked very healthy because she stpped doing drugs and told me of these incredibly fabulous shoes at Gabriela's that are just my size. So I went over and they were $38 but Rick gave them to me for $25. The shoes are so weird. Then Greg Steven's came in and was nervous and insecure as usual but full of nice compliments which I need right now and he said "meet me at the uptown bar when you get off work". So I said OK. So I went there and he was sitting with a bunch of scary people drug addicts and also Vaughn, this guy I point out to you sometimes. I acted nonchalant and tried to join their conversation. There were three tables of people all switching seats and talking. Somehow it ended up with just me and Vaughn at one table. He was so mellow. I asked him if he had always been this mellow and he said no. Somehow I mentioned The Pretty THings "S.F. Sorrow" and he was impressed that someone my age was even aware of that. He said I was the first person he's met that knew. We talked about The Prisoner and Secret Agent Man and how the editing and lighting was so great, etc. I told him how I love decay and the way paint peels and the different colours of the bricks on old warehouse buildings and how I always looked at the sidewalk and how beautiful the cracks were and how the grass would grow inbetween them here and there and how sometimes people that fix the sidewalks would paint cryptic messages in flourescent paint over everything. He said that everything i was saying was wonderful and that I'm the first person he ever met who said things like that. He understood everything. He loved to listen to me talk and the stories I would tell. I said I would like to see his house so he said , "Ok, how 'bout now?". So I went over there. It really wasn't as intensely fabulous as I had pictured it, but he has some GREAT mannequins! There was religious paraphenia everywhere and bizarre posters. I thought about you. He has a tarantula, too and a big stuffed Iguana, a collection of very scary dolls, hundreds of records. He was always asking me, "What would you like to hear? What are you thinking? ARe you afraid?" I told him about how I love pipe organs and that I got rid of all my crucifixes and liked angels instead. We talked about love and relationships. He showed me his photo album/collage/art thing that Sharon, who used to be the manager of the warehouse Ragstock, made him while they were in love. It's so funny how things have to end or change. It's funny 'cause Vaughn was seeing Sharon while she was still married to this guy named Stephan and STephan worked in this psychiatric unit with my mom and he was after her for awhile. He's like an old hippy. And vaughn went out to lunch with hi yesterday 'cause now they're friends and Sharon isn't married to him anymore, which is why he was after my mom. So I told Vaughn to tell STephan "hi" 'cause I'm sure he'll remember me 'cause I used to talk to him about acid and the 60's. He's still very hung up on that era. And to add to the web, Julia Pratt had a thing going wuth Vaughn one time. So that's how I knew about him in the first place. All of a sudden then, he kissed me a very soft little kiss on the lips. I got very shy and blushed. I felt weird. I didn't know what to do. But you say you can't promise me anything so why should I give up anything for you? It's my life now just as you've made it perfectly clear you'll do whatever you want. So maybe out of anger, curiosity, wanting attention, to be loved and maybe to get it out of my system...I kissed him. It was awkward and I had gum in my mouth and I was very nervous. I left feeling like my cord was even more cut from you and partly feeling glad and free because I feel so obviously that you aren't coming back to me and I want to feel the same as you and I feel guilty and sad because I really wanted to kiss you. Then I remembered "Fuck, I've got to feed Spot" even though the last thing I wanted to do was be in your apartment. I wanted to ground myself in my room. I arrived at your house and poor Spot was so starving for attention. I wanted to brush him but couldn't find the brush. I checked the mail and no mail. Your answering macine was beeping three times so I rewound it, not knowing that you haven't erased anything on there since the night before we broke up. It was weird hearing me talk. I needed you so badly and still do. I wondered how you could be so cruel as to have no feeling for the tone of my voice, so sad, lonely, desperate. Nikki sleeping in your bed..OUR bed. Sue says you always sleep in the nude with these women. Is this true? Were you in the nude? Who is Arden? And why did she call you 5,000 times on your machine??? I as furious. I feel you hide so many things from me. You are the epitome of the word "Fucker". I wanted to talk to you so badly. I still do. I layed down on the bed and felt so sad. The bed we always make love on. It didn't smell like you. Your apartment smells like an old people's home now. I called Lisa Raye because I felt such turmooil. Who is Arden? Have I a right to kiss Vaughn? Should I feel guilty? But you make no commitments. I feel if I tell you, you will be angry and kiss Nikki to get even. But none of that would be fair. How do i know what you have done? Maybe sleeping in the nude. Sharing intimate things? How can you be mad at me if I'm only trying to be like you so that maybe I can understand you and we can come to some agreement. Maybe the agreement is no agreement. I guess it is. I went into your closet and smelled all your clothes. I wanted to stay in there forever. God, how I miss you and love you. I really don't want anyone but you. How can you give me up? How can you neglect me so and feel nothing? All those things I talked about with Vaughn. I wish you could've been there. I want you to hear them. I want to share them with you. I want you to tell me that what I think is wonderful and beautiful. I want to kiss you and kiss you incessantly. I don't know if I regret kissing Vaughn. If somehow it brings us closer by you realizing you are losing me, that would be good. But if you go out and make out with someone I will truly hate you and be hurt. I don't know if that's hypocritical of me to say, but somehow I don't. I feel forced into this new lifestyle. I'm trying to figure out who I am again. I want to regain my sensuality and my love of danger. You won't share that with me anymore and now I hate it. I feel I am so much what you are searching for. How can you be so blind? I love you. Please take me away from this. Tell me it's ok and it's all over and that you've discovered that you can be with me. Best Friend/Lover/Wombat/Companion/Artists learning from each other. Why don't you see? Why can't we work together on art projects and why won't you show me any of your books or favourite poetry? Things I desperately want to know.
Oh ya, at my show I wore my blue velvet with the lace collar and cuffs and blue tights with black lace tights over them and my nancy sinatra boots and I had blue lipstick and nails with my metallic blue guitar and a blue velvet vest and silver eye shadow and cleopatra eyeliner with my hair grey and black and teased.
Today I decided I love kimonos 'cause I can alter the weird sleeves and the fabric is incredible. For the record, Vaughn is 37 and does window displays for Sax Fifth ave. and fashion shows ( the sets). He's also a good artist and does freaky weird intricate shit kinda like me just with a black pen. Like Peter Max but way more weird and intricate. But I already know how to do that. I like your style because it's different than mine. You've taught me a freeer form. I've got to learn that in life. I'm learning with or without you, but preferably with. We're a nice combination in so many beautiful ways. blah blah blah.

5/21/90
Today I went to see my psychologist and after that went to feed Spot. I decided that I wanted to finish cris' drawing of Nikki so that it would be done with. That damn drawing sitting and staring at me every fucking day when I lived there. I figurecI could add to it , too since I felt this drawing was a huge burden on my life and then , also, Nikki wouldn't be able to put it on her wall without thinking of me, too, as she should when she sees Cris. A drawing made by Nikki , cris, and Rachael. I did a very good job at it to show Cris my artistic ability and somehow it was better to surpass Cris' drawing and make it more beautiful and have it not be his anymore. A very sly, clever and tasteful way to say "fuck you". While looking for the drawing, I discovered a horrible picture of Cris sitting on a couch with Nikki on one side and another girl, her roomate, on the other side. Cris' arms around the roomate and Nikki, his hand in Nikki's hair, slouched very lazily into the couch like a very evil and satisfied vampire. So i started to draw this picture but made only a sketch and I made him with vampire teeth. I wrote" Well, you must be in vampire heaven, suck suck suck suck. Maybe you could even get some 12 year olds! fresh young blood suck suck suck suck CAN'T FUCKING GET ENOUGH undead unalive suck the marrow from our bines. I won't be just another./ never." Then i stabbed it in the forehead. I found the only drawing Cris made of me as a fairy and tacked it to the wall next to the drawing/paining of Nikki and stabbed the drawing of myself with his knife a lot and tore into it and wrote the words" Out with the old and in with the new" on it. I took everything I had ever given him and put it in a pile. But he had taken a few things with him that I had given him to New Orleans and if I take anything, I want to take it all. I do this becaus he said " This is what I do...collect bits and pieces of people then leave. I like to look at them and be tormented and sad". He didn't say it exactly like that, but in so many words that is what he said. He is trying to be a vampire with me and to spite this I want him to have nothing of me. I want to obliterate myself from him as if it had never existed. He doesn't deserve anything from me. I will not be just another victim as much as I can help it.

5/22/90
Dear Cris,
Please do not be angry with me for completing your drawing of Nikki. The only reason I wanted to obliterate it is because you would not let me be a part of it. I could not obliterate it, so I added to it. That drawing is so much a part of my life and causes me so much pain and your "whatever" with Nikki causes me so much pain that i thought it only fair I should add to this drawing. A drawing made by you , Nikki and i, since I AM very much entertwined with that drawing. I wanted to make something so ugly in my life beautiful, to touch it and be a part of it, so I could know it and not fear it anymore. Please understand and don't be mad. I'm sorry if you feel this to be an intrusion but it was a great intruder on me. Like my dreams of a man with a knife after me...I change his knife into a bouquet of flowers and he is powerless and goes away.