anagram 03.23.99
(page 4 of 6)

3/8/90
Cris and I have been slowly and painstakingly talking things out as best we can. Seems that things are getting a little more settled or understood or compromised. But I'm on the lookout. Sex helped, for sure. I've been burning a million purifying herbs and holding stones and taking baths and downing xanax like mad and doing my tarot and I CHing and numerology and I feel like my brain is going to explode!!! I can't relax, I can't hardly eat at all. I feel extremely manic and hyper with intense energy, yet I sleep like shit and eat nothing. I hope I don't crash here, I need some help. Cris was so kind to me last night and gave me a massage. I was EXTREMELY surprised and that made me SO happy. I fell right to sleep( and I took another xanax!). Cris and I ran into Niki the other day and he and she were so nervous around each other that Cris forgot to introduce me and that put me into a state. And she's fucking gorgeous ( no pun intended, god forbid!). I got off work early today a 1/2 an hour early and went to the library to get a book on astrology when I saw Bracha in front of me! Then --DREAD--I saw her go in to the library! Well, I walked right past her and said "HI, Bracha" very politely and she said "hi". Then we were both checking out books at the same time and we started ignoring each other. So I started a conversation by saying "How's your pregnancy, etc. blah blah" EXTREMELY non-chalantly and politely and not the last bit cold, then i sai "Call me if you want to talk". AS she walked away she said "ok" in a way that was more like "ya, right<cynically>". At least that's how I took it. WEll I was surprised that I wasn't upset in the least at seing her, but A lot of that has to do with what I told CRis. I said "no way can you see her ever again unless she calls me up first and wants to settle things.". And he agreed! What an incredible rock lifted from my heart! I also said "No women overnight unless I'm here!".
I had a two hour talk with my mom and she says she's surprised I didn't kick him out on his ass. I was bawling my head off the night I wrote the "Big Letter"( the entry before this) and Cris called saying he'd be home later, once again, so I was crying and Sue called ( his x-wife)! So I said to her "what's the deal with Cris?" . She says he's a sociopath and run like hell! And Cris even agrees with her on the run like hell part, so I don't know whether to believe them or just think that Sue has conditioned Cris into thinking people should stay away from him. And two days ago ( or something as these days run together) Ed came into Ragstock and shopped with Jennifer for two hours and Bart( ed's mod friend from san diego), 5 minutes after, accidentally calls me at work. Total weird coincidence?
Lately I've been wanting to make freudian slips and calling Cris "Ed" when I talk about him. And I had a dream he was turning into Ed. And these last few months have been too damn confrontational and demanding and past analyzing and personality analyzing and deciding what the hell to do about ANYTHING! And the day Ed walked in i decided to be an astrologer and 1/2 an hour later I walked into Gabriels'a and found out that that lady who works behind the counter is an astrologer and now she's going to teach me and I was pretty happy but now I'm wondering if this is just stressing me out more. I've got too much already on my mind and financially things are not all that great. But Cris just cam home ( shocker!) so now I'm going to talk to him.

3/17/90
row row row your boat
drawning up the stream
scarily scarily scarily scarily
life is but a dream
row row row your boat
fighting for your life
merrily merrily merrily merrily
dying from the knife

I'm taking all my things down from the walls. I'm taking all my decorations down. I don't know why. I'm not thinking. It's like an uncomfortable nightmare. This can't really be happening. Where am I going? Will it end? I feel like I'm going to cave in. I feel so empty, vulnerable, pathetic, stupid, groveling, out-of-control, scared, violent, hateful, depressed, distrustful, uncaring, caring too much, glommy, needy, disgusting, etc.
Cris just want to be a Jesus Christ martyr bleeding alone tormented artiste-poet oh-so-ever-fucking romantic and just LOVING himself. He thinks he is fucking GOD how he loves his miserable pathetic IDIOTIC life! he says " I think you should leave me because I only cause people pain. Oh, what a pain it causes me what I do to you!" Right Buddy. Then why don't you stop being such a selfish asshole? Too fucking afraid? What a wimp. What a goddamn wimp. Can't make himself vulnerable to me. Can't even compromise or give in EVER. Have your cake and eat it, too. You blood red cake of lust. Eat until you puke it up, then eat that, too. You'd fucking love it. Eat your own goddamn excrement since you have so much aasted passion on what isn't real. REAL love stands before you in your face. Beautiful gardens, beautiful worlds...but you can only look upon them as the outsider, only observing, never knowing...oh the beautiful torment, you bloody idiot. Your self love won't keep you warm. Bringing women home to study like bugs. How they eat. How they move. What would it be like to fuck them? But you can never have them, you can only draw them. Your little pathetic drawings turn yellow with age while the real thing passes you by. Living in a lie. You don't even know what life's about. Why don't you take some REAL challenges, if danger is so exciting to you? Why don't you really open yourself up and love somebody? who REALLY loves you? You turn my love into hate and wear it like a shining golden nail to add to your many. Or maybe a good old rusty one to give you blood poisining to get it really into your system. Then you can surround yourself with your dead paintings and your dead women and you can pretend that you're the all powerful vampire that sucks the blood dry from your own infatuations of the moment. Oh ya "touch them". Leave them wanting more, yet dry, and pretend you've "helped" them. What a great guy you are. Then just leave them before they find out how fucked up you are. Then you can always be in control and be powerful and like the vampire never REALLY live and NEVER see the SUN. NEVER run through meadows with the one you truly love. Look into my eyes and see the sun before it is too late. You are only locked in by your own prisons, not mine. You are an idiot. Trapped like Bracha, selfish like Lisanne. Endless love, energy and vitality I have to give you. And you spit upon it. You spit and puke upon my fire. WEll, you never undetstood me ,baby, you never really tried, you never understood me baby, even though I cried. But the Phoenix shall rise. Turn to the first grey page. Self-fulfilling prophecy. You're so retarded you don't even KNOW you could still get me back. You don't even know HOW. You're so emotionally retarded and so stuck in your own world and your such a wimp. You refuse to even try to understand. You are so stupid and can't even BEGIN to comprehend it. You have ALL the wrong ideas about love and you shut your eyes like a bat going in circles in a closed room. I can't believe you're going to let me go. Makes me wonder how much I really meant to you. What the fuck Cris? Why? Why? Why?????????? Why do men have to be so bloody STUPID!!!!??? That drawing of Niki and having coffee with her or the principle of the whole thing or whatever---it makes no sense to me that you would give up your lover who loves you so FUCKING much and has endured you this long and you take everything I do for you for granted and everything else you just forget.
Soon you'll forget what I felt like, how I smelled, all the times we made love will be a blur. You'll forget how we made love, the sound of my voice, all the things I did for you, All the fun we had. You'll forget how I kissed you and how much it meant when I did it. How closely we held each other passionately, how you fit exactly into me to the very end, my curves, my smile, my toes, and you'll neve hear me sing again. The creatures are gone and all you have left is your precious decadence. I HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU. please oull me back before I'm gone. When I'm gone, I'm gone. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Don't you KNOW???