anagram 03.23.99
(page 3 of 6)

3/5/90
Here are some letters I wrote to Cris one day. We are having problems that escalated over the months ever since he started on his medication. That he wants to be alone and neds enormous amount of space.

Here are the letters. The notes in parenthese are comments i made in between the sentences in a red pen after I wrote the notes).

Letter #1

I don't know if I'll be home when you get here. ( tring to write sensibly) I was in a pretty fucking pleasant mood until I saw Niki's lovely fucking phone number on the front of the GODDAMN phone book and I don't know why but I'm COMPLETELY PISSED OFF ( started slipping) THAT SHE FUCKING STAYED OVERNIGHT ( uh-oh) That was SO FUCKING INSENSITIVE!!!!!!!!(let's loose). You are treating me like SHIT! ( trying to be as unabusive as possible. hahaha. wants to say you are a shithead.)I HATE ( you) being taken for granted! I can't BELIEVE you did that at this time in our relationship ( guilt trip).if you EVER ( here come the demands from feeling powerless) FUCK AROUND ON ME--AND I WILL KNOW---THAT WILL BE IT ( and she means it...maybe)!!! i am scared now that ehenever I'm away you will do that ( here she shows some vulnerability)!!! WHAT SORT OF SHIT IS GOING ON IN YOUR MIND?(decides to not show this letter to him , so let's loose as "therapy") DID YOU WANT TO FUCK HER LITLE INNOCENT 17 YEAR OLD CUNT!??? YOU PIECE OF SHIT! FUCK YOU ASSHOLE! ( retaliates, not caring id she loses. stupid.)

Letter #2
(tries again)
I don't know if I'll be here when you get back. I went to Claude's house. He only lives 5 blocks away. I an having a very difficult time with the fact that KIm and Niki stayed overnight. That was extremely insensitive to put it lightly and I'm frantic that Bracha called you. I don't know how to deal with my anger. I want to smash everything ( instead of him!). I go back and forth between saying "OK calm down , be patient and loving and gentle" to "fuck you asshole. iI don't need this shit" ( gets it out but less abusively. balances it out with the better things to do). I wish i could get the hell out of here( trying to say she doesn't need him) but I just don't have any money to, and you don't either. i.e. Oregon. Just goes to show that we're forced to be together in this( hoping to show that the relationshipis meant to be) sort of( guilt). I'm sorry if this letter is making you mad or pushing you farther away ( showing fear). That's not my intention ( trying to be clear). BUt if I hold this inside, we will both be sorry( watered down threat). I was in a good mood until I saw Niki's phone number on the telephone book. I absolutely can't stand it( a wtered down "fuck you"). It reminds me way too much, I guess, about the time that I walked in and found Ed and Shana together in bed, after he said they were just friends, and she was ver young, too. The circumstances are too familiar and it was THEE most painful thing that EVER happened to me. It was extremely tramatic and not all that long ago, so it is dredging up extreme paranoia and anger and mistrust in me. I will not stand for that to happen agai ( lame threat). I don't know how to deal with it because I took Ed's word on it that "oh, no, I promise I won't touch her, we have some things in common like she speaks German, too and I really like to talk to her. BUt I just need some space right now, but I promise I'll be faithful to you" YA, RIGHT!
WEll he sure fucked me right over and judging from your past and your "valmont-ness" and that you don't even KNOW what you want...how do you KNOW that you might just fuck me over , too? ( laying the cards on the table). I'm having a really hard time with this one in trusting you. I don't want to be the dumb, niave, trusting, in-love, little girl that I was when Ed told me that, because that was the last thing I expected him to do and it's the last thing I expect you to do. Bu it happened and I'm HURT( understatement). I just don't know what to do. I'm feeling really taken for granted, subservient, 2nd rate. I feel that if I don't do everything you want, you won't tolerate me(fear). And I have no say in any of this. And if I make any demands you're just going to rebel(fear). So I'm not going to make any demands( but here is a demand. contradiction) and you can do whatever you want but you better make sure you tell me everything you do because( knowing it's pathetic to even say that) THIS IS YOUR AREA IN THAT YOU CAN HELP ME TO TRUST YOU. Because I trust you a bit, but it's kinda going downhill here, and you're going to lose me if you don't stat putting "a little" effort back into this relationship ( could possibly be). I cannot be expected to just trust everything you say and be fine( absolutely!). I don't know, this isn't very clear ( starts to get paranoid of showing him this letter that he might think she's stupid. insecurity.)and I think this is a pretty dumb letter. I'm so confused, too. It's not exactly what I'm trying to say. I'm just scared OUT OF MY MIND ( shows desperation) and having 17 year old girls( already jealous of younger woen even though she's only 23. hope the cliche isn't true) I've never met spend the night is one sure0fire way to ge rid of me ( this is true). You've got to have some respect for this relationship. It seems drastically low on your list. And I can't run a one-ended relationship. I don't know how to end this on a good note ( tries to show she still cares and tries to say something nice) except I love you( love anything except you). And even that sounds so pathetic right now ( and it did.)
your very sad and limply hung wombat (guilt and tring to remind him of better times),
RA( gives herself at least SOME power)

Letter #3
Please keep in mind that when i wrote those letters I was in a state of irrational fury. There are more sides to the way I feel than that. I want to stick by you through this. I really DO! I just don't know what tactic to use. Should I be completely silent? Should I tell you exactly how I feel no matter how childish? Should I stay COMPLETELY out of you way or should I sporadically intervene to remind you of my love? But then my ARies nature takes over and I don't like to be humble or silent or take any guff from anyone, especially since I just found out that I can actually CONFRONT someone and survive. I hate to feel like I'm being walked on but logically I have to see this as not that but as some sort of lesson in patience, humbless, and unconditional love. Damn g=hard lesson to learn, if that's what it is. I don't know, but I do know that I love you and we have something that most "normal: people don't have, you know, just an incredible karmic bind or whatever. I called 1-976-SEER ( sounds silly to say that in a serious letter) but I got the card of Strength and it said that I am the rock of this relationship right now that is karmically bonded. I don't know---well, ok, I'm not being much of a rock for you to lean on, but I'm trying! And maybe that's not goo enough, I know...well, that sentence deteriorated. And I also got The Foll card which explained meant that I was faced with new possibilities and new ways of thought, which I take to mean the learning of whatever lesson I'm supposed to be learning through this. So it looks like I'm supposed to stick with this rather than bake through the door. It's just hard because sometimes I feel I'm just being a wimp by taking it, like I did with Ed. Maybe my lesson is to learn that I don't have to take stuff like this and I should have the strength to leave, but i think I feel, well, it would be the wimpy thing to leave and it takes real guts to stay. And being the intense ARies that I am I can hold through a lot especially if I'm in love because if I believe in something, TRULY BELIEVE, i AM a rock of Gilbralter and nothing will sway me.
What I'm really trying to say is...if you can REALLY CONVINCE me that I am what you want and I'm not sticking this out for nothing just to look like a fool in the end and show me little gestures of your intention to stick this out too so I can really trust in you and our love, I can use my INNER strength to withstand this. The problem is that I've been trying to figure out if you really truly deep down inside want me or any sort of serious relationship right now even though you may love me. All you ever say is "I don't know" and you don't. But this doesn't give me much to go on, something to keep me going for awhile. And being the pessimist at this time in my life about situations like these, "I don't know" means to me "leaning towards no" which makes me say "why am I even putting any energy into this if he doesn't care. You're looking like a pathetic foolish wimp. Tell him to take a hike before he fucks you over". So these are my conflicts inside of me as to why sometimes I'm "ok" and other times I want to destroy. I do not totally feel like telling you to "Fuck Off", it's just a survival instince or something. So I kind of wanted to counteract those other letters I wrote with an ever-so-slightly rational one. I understand the way you are feeling right now, trapped, pressured with coming up with at least a few answers pretty quickly here, which just adds to your crushing feeling of responsibility you've been heaved upon ( or heaved upon yourself) with the life you've had, kids, marriage, divorce, drugs, not being a "normnal" person to fit into society, turning 27 and being a cook at Tony Roma's, wondering what in the hell you're goling to do with your life, wanting to feel like you're really "doing" something but not knowing what to do and if you you knew "where will you find the time?" you say. If I were in your shoes I'd be going pretty crazy, too. I think that winter could be playing a great part in your feeling of being trapped or claustrophobic, but all those other things, those are pretty heavy issues that aren't going to be resolved by Spring. In my view, though, although I do not have the answers, I really do FEEL that getting rid of the "burden" of me is not exactly starting things off on the right foot because you've had all of these problems before me and I actually feel I've been extremely benificial in helping you deal with them and hopefully building up your self esteem and showing you that you are so worthy of love that I give you. You've got to realize that I can help you through this and I'm not part of the problem and that you DO need me ( in that I mean you NEED love) and that isn't something to be fearful of. It's not a responsibility, it's a beautiful GIFT to help you. Something to turn to and hold on to while the rest of life seems to falter. And there's nothing confining or suffocating about that. Just the fact that I'm taking so much energy in thinking about this, and trying so hard, and writing you these letters, has to show you how much you mean to me. I don't want to drain your energ for my own selfish needs. I want to give you strength to do whatever you like to do and I don't see why I can't be part of it. You're shutting me out and not giving me a chance. You KNOW that when you put energy into me I get more happy and excited and then you get back even more energy. But when you shut me out and shut me up and don't givve me anything hardly except a sorry look now and then I'm being extremely drained and I fear if things continue on like this, I wil have no energy for this at all. And I feel my survival instinct to shut you out coming on and that means doom. Because where are you going to find the energy to open me up again? Right now I am still open. I still have a little energy left and I'm using that energy to keep myself open. I don't know how long it's going to hold out on it's own, but not for another month. I'm not saying that all of your problems have to "go away" because there's no way they will in a month. But I'm saying that the way you are dealing with your problems has definitely got to change somewhat. At least in how you are dealing with me. I will give you more space than average for you at this time. I will be quiet when you paint, read, excercise. I will do the majority of the houswork for quite awhile. I will "hold down the fort" , so to speaek, as you go off and find "whatever". But you've got to give me little moments here and there of attention to show me you appreciate what I'm doing and that I'm not doing this in vain. And when you give me some love, you KNOW you get so much back to help you through your problems right now. What is your energy running on right now? Coffee? Antidepressants? Or maybe you really don't need me or you're a little too comfortable in that I WILL be here. And I do love you because I say it and I show it to you all the time and I'm "bearing with you" and I'm writing these stupid letters. But you can't take all of this for granted. FATAL MISTAKE. You MIGHT get what you wish for---lots and lots and lots of space ( but only from me because all your other problems will still be there). Can you forget so easily how "Love" has changed your life so much for the better? I'm not taking credit for everything like you owe me or something. Not at all. But you do "need" love and that's not some sort of "sick dependance". Although you must find the balance. But if you push me away you ARE going to find that you need love from someone and you already have it here under your very nose, in a better way than most people do. It is so rare to find somebody like me ( not to be egotistical, but it's true). Don't be a fool to think you don't need anyone. Right now maybe that's easy to pretend because you DO have someone and it's safe to pretend because you can always come back and I'll be here. Don't take this for granted. It's fun to have the apartment all to yourself and pretend you don't need anyone but that's all going to feel a bit different if it really happened, and all my things were gone and the apartment was quite empty and you knew now that you ARE alone. Is that really getting rid of responsibility or just adding to it? Because it makes sense to me that two people who love each other could handle huge nurdens, problems, responsibilities..than one person alone with no love. Doesn't that make sense?
With all good intent, love and peace,
Rachael