i don't care if it is wrong that i am in a band or what the fuck! i am going to do this because it is life. i have to be alive and show that i'm alive. i must be and i want to live beautifully. i will be beautiful and live my life in a romantic and beautiful way. i love my beautiful clothes and i will paint my eyes black and i will paint my hair red and i will draw on my body and the walls and i will add beauty whereever i go. chaotic beauty. beauty in the midst of chaos. i will sing and i will cry. i will paint and laugh and i will tear my hair out of my head. i will do anything i want. i will not be passive. i will be CREATIVE! the goids can take all my guitars and i will always get a new one. they can chop off my arms and i will scream like the wind.

they can take away my voice but inside i will soar. i wil be in a band and i will sing and sing this isn't WRONG!
and if it is then i don't care. i wouldn't want to live any other way. cal it vanity but it isn't. IT IS LIFE!
i will laugh at the gods!!!
burn my house down! BUT I LOVE FIRE!!
i will be beautiful. you can't take it away from me! you can't make me be some sort of zen passive, pay rent, i love thy fucking rapist neighbour turn the other cheek goddamn bullshit buddha happy crap!
i'm gonna scream and scream. i wil dye my hair red i will dye my hair red and THEY will KNOW!!! i am not passive. i flow like the water i burn like fire. it burns throughout above below.
i'm not going to be some goddamn servant! no fucking psychiatrist to the masses!

and i am a child and i will play and play and play and laugh and play.
i will wear my short dresses and my pointy boots and my hair like fire and my eyes like coals. i will sing and dance the dance of chaotic beauty. beauty for no reason at all but to be a child. a child doesn't care, it wonders!
my eyes are WIDE! FUCK THE I CHING!! turn up the volumne!

5.1.1991
bought a new guitar: gibson ES335 12 sting 1967 , RED, VERY cool! $800.
got a rat distortion, too for $64. got it 2 days ago. the place i got my new guitar at sold my stolen guitar. long story. extremely freaky. going to get it back soon. hopefully some 50 year old couple's got it. anxious paranoid.

tony roma's closed that day, too. now cris is out of a job. weird month from hell.

peace love now!

5.25.1991
i got back from new orleans today at 6:45am, took a nap and now it's 6 or 7. no time for rest hardly. anyway, i had a cool dream. i'm not sure i can get it down or what order it all happened in but...whatever. i was in a fucked up version of new orleans. i was taking acid which was a relatively new thing still. i was in the beatles? a timothy leary sort was being very scientific about acidbut not getting the point of the whole fu of it. i was getting off on all the colours and i was painting my car pink with gold sparkles which grossed some people out. i sold some children acid. i stopped one of my best friends from hanging herself in the bathtub. it would have looked ophelia-style. i cried and screamed at her and she changed her mind.
a stately tall grey haired gentleman-rich guy came up to me and was talking to me. i told him about my band situation, about having the single and EP out but that i had recorded my album 2 years ago. he got out a violin from the 1700's and told me to play it. i was very nervous. i told him i wasn't very good becasue i hadn't played in years. i rosined up my bow and played a Bach thing, which actually sounded better thatn i thought it would, but the guy said, " ch, oh that's terrible, you're doing it all wrong." and in my heart i knew i was playing it too stiff. he took the violin away, but all of this was done in a "humouring a child" sort of way. i knew he would come back and teach me. i was very excited i said to dominique (?) "is that my angel? i think that's my angel!"
one of the coolest things about this drem, though, was i was going to jump into a canal of clear water but it looked cold and THEN I REMEMBERED I WAS DREAMING! and i could make the water warm if i wanted. so i did! and it was warm. it was a pleasant experience. but i couldn't figure out how to breathe in the water so i conjured up a scuba thing where you have to swim to the surface. i was trying to figure out how i could just breathe way underwater without it. byt then i my dream i went to something else.

5.26.1991
also in that dream i dreamt i saw a bunch of gorgeous multicoloured butterflies sitting on a bush and i took their picture.

last night i dreamt i was trying to get the whole town involved in a festival to celebrate eachh person's individualism but everyone was apathetic. then i dreamt about war, in a multicoloured media hyped way. i didn't know if i should make art about it to shock everyone into realizing it or if that would jusr perpetuate it.

i haven't had a moment's peace in a month, literally. it's sunday now at 6:30 and the kids are still here. i left for awhile to have lunch withh dominique at the uptown but that was hectic, too, because i'm always running into people i know. dominique's having trouble , too: moving tomorrow, mathew shit, bike stolen, cervial problems.

i feel so zoned. nothing that happens is really there. it's like tv.

i dropped off film for cris at synder's and the girl treated me like shit and i couldn't hardly fill out the forms 'cause o couldn't remember where i lived. and i went to lunds and i didn't know what i wanted or where it was. when i got back, i forgot to say i wanted a matte finish on the photos and cris said, "could you call them and tell them?" and i said why can't you call them? and he said it was my mistake so i said FINE.
and i was pissed looking through the phone book for the #. and aja said, "do you want me to rip those pages for you?" and cris laughed which pissed me off 'cause he's always getting mad and doing stuff like that. i said i want to rip them myself. and he said "give me the phonebook, you crybaby" and i just glared because i didn't want to say "fuck you" in front of the kids even though he does. so i called and they didn't have matte. so he calls them back as if i didn't do an adequate enough job. pissed me off.

so i'm sitting in my "room" with my door closed as cris yells at the kids. and another thing that makes me mad is i had one plastic bag of stuff in the hall next to my "room" that is stuff i was going to hang on my wall. and when i cam ehome it's plopped in my rrom in the only space i had. it's like i can't , for one second, have any extra room.

whe i got done moving...which is like i worked i-9pm that day then moved all my stuff to his house and then next morning we were leaving for new orleans and i hadn't even packed yet and i was laying on the floor and i just said "i feel really sick" which i did. i felt like i was dizzy and nauseous and upset internally everywhere and he says right then, "so when are you going to do something about this?"

i feel so cramped. i'm really depressed but no one and life won't let me out of the go-go-go mode.
even in new orleans it was like "get up lazy bones" at 6am.
then i get a cold and it's attributed to the rain. nothing to do with not getting any rest or anything.
and i couldn't say anything in new orleans 'cause i should be thankful to her that i have somewhere to stay. and i can't say anything here 'cause i'm grateful to cris for giving me somewhere to stay.

and i'm on the bus coming back from new orleans and i'm totally smashed and a bunch of x-convicts get on the bus in kentucky. we picked them up at jail. big built black bozos who say only "muthafucka" at everything who are totally disgusting racist and sexist and i can't say anythnig or move or go to the bathroom or else they might do something or i might cris in a position where he feels he has to do something.
and i get home and it's a mad rush to cram everything into my room before his kids come over.
i come home right now after going to lunds, uptown, and i say everything's franctic. and he's laughing and lazily laying on the floor looking up at me with kids crawling all over him and he says " what's frantic?" like for real? i say WHAT'S FRANTIC? and he says "yeah? like what's your problem or something?"
GOD! LIKE WHAT??

5.31.1991 10:10pm
i appear in the mirror and it is clear that i am here, the overseer.

i sense the presence of your presents and the presents of your presence.
alas dear alice, your fear is dear to the well of hell. oh well, you never fell and you still will never endeavor the chance that enhanced enchants dance. why die at the sight of fright? one might endight the right to fight. angel wings ring with a fling of your hat at the cat. and what right is that? remember december? it's chill out. you will until you fill your chalice with alice. you can never steal the wheel, you can only feel it's real.

6.1.1991 7:48pm
6.1.1991 7:48pm
(more extremely bad poetry, embarrassing)
what did i gain as i laugh on the train
the rain on the pane spat in disdain
a trace on my face was plainly a stain
of winding and grinding and,
perhaps, even finding
the air in flair dared with a blare
to seep through my sleep
it weeped through the deep
i stared and i glared
i was amazed at the blaze
i raised my mane like a crane who obeys
i grazed on the days that were raised through the haze
my bone turned to stone as i gazed at the maze
the fire felt like wire
as the old crone moaned tones
the more that i fight the sight of height tightened and whitened the coil of the soil
i raged at my cage
what hell in my cell
loked on the mound on the ground and the sound all around pound pound with a profound round sound
what have i found?

6.11.1991
(big angry stream of consciousness)
one of these days i'm gonna sit down and figure this whole thing out it's gonna stop cause someday i'm gonna day and then what i'll be stuck in the rain with a big nosebleed and for what so i gotta know now or i'm gonna explode for the sake of it. so what you said well who cares what you think. i'll just drink and say anything that comes in my mind you wormy little bastard fuck you pigface wench from hell you squirmy fucked up motherfucker asshole bitch. one of these days i'm gonna smack your skull withh a straightened cross of fire and then we'll see who'll be crying in the bloody rain. so until then we'll just see who's boss for now or later so jhow much time is time then when you gotta fly am i gonna die before i cry or sigh you big stupid idiot. i've gotta ring that's for sure to turn you on and too bad for you if that's what you call it these days someday it's gonna knock you out straight on your motherfuckin little pissass. my hand is big and it can smack with a force unknown to man so you better just watch out and stay outta my way cause i'm gonna play anything i want you little fucker. get outta here you're blocking my view. what's new. your puke shuddup find out yourself i've got better things to do than explain everything to you every fucking day ya little pukehead. i gotta brain full of shit gonna explode when i go see through this bullshit light windows door floor bore bore bore. i got a brain fulla steamengined trash metal conging up a beat that'll knock you flat. knock on that door knock on that door down to the ground wheels made of steel cogging and turning and steaming and churning need some oil for that coil gonna run white i gotta gun gonna have some fun so fuck off. what's it gonna be your piss or mine your glean it looks mean so i'm gonna run for theborder that looks like order order for the older you gotta be bolder find what you can grind we'll wind it straight back over your head til you're dead when i'm on the other side i'll go straight for that tree the one in the sun that said come by baby you can show me more i know your golden hair has flare when it's way up there if you dare you can wear any old thing made of gold or silver shaped like the moon or stars in your head when you're dead you're alive so try to revive or relive or give the clock stoipped so now i gotta go running my brain is faster than my hand so i can understand what i am when i am? who's gonna know when i'm starting to grow and who's gonna mow that gross when i'm growing too fast where's my man in my dream with the violin and is he gonna save me soon? what to do until then gonna get me some yen and some zen. fence in that bitch who's gonna call me some scream gonna scream even more til she walks out that door gotta have moor more pound her to the floor what gore is for. she can't have the door cause it's mine and i haven't even opened it yet i'm gonna find out myself whether i live or die or cry in the rain by myself or sit under that tree reading some book or other. fine so fine i'm fine you're fine we're all fine it's gonna be fine gonna get a fine gonna find gonna wind grind unwind that damnknot in your throat gonna spit it out a big fucking guut rot phlem knon is that the knob in my throat to the door in my head

6.3.1991 11:39pm
once upon a time there lived a giant fly and this fly said, " ZHAMOTHI!" but of course, no one knew what this meant. so everyone pretended not to hear it so they wouldn't appear really stupid. well...this fly was quite insulted by this, as anyone would be if they felt they had been treated as if they didn't exist...for what he said was very important. and if just one person had spoken up and said, "...uh, truly sorry...but...what did that mean?" the fly would have been more than happy to interpret this in a clearer language to say, " your planet is doomed! get on my back right now and i will take you away to a safer place." but of course, no one said anything so they didn't know and 9 minutes later their planet exploded into BIG FLAMING CHUNKS.

here is my about story about astral projection:

one day, as i was trying to take a nap a heard a little gentle voice say right into my ear as if a tiny transitor radio were an inch from my ear, " hey, get up! have some coffee!"
this was a dream language that i understood and i took it to mean that i should stop putting off my discovering the astral world and my astral projection things were happening for a reason so don't be so scared and turn away.
then i feel myself floating 6" above my body. i feel my astral body. it's smooth and hairless. my body is tingling and i feel the vibrations qyuicken then pulse slower..ebbing and flowing. i feel weird. it's hard to move my astral body...like floating through electrified molasses. i feel my astral back and i run into the cord that connects my astral body to my physical body. it feels like a 6 inch wide magnetic force. it tickles me electrically to touch.
the voice that is like a tiny radio far away but 1 inch from my ear starts telling me story...
"there was a woman called moonriver who..."
and i strained to hear it, trying so hard to fil in the words with my thoughts. my thoughts became louder than the story and i realize my mistake. .i shut off my thinking so i could hear and the voice says,
"thanks for unifying!" in a sarcastic well meaning humourous way.
i feel stupid but glad it has a seen of humour.

6.10.1991, 3:25pm
i sold my 1966 richenbacker 360 yesterday for $575. i almost started crying at work i was so sad. giving away or letting go of a certain childhood innocence and naivety. it's such a creature. i feel it loves me and needs me, but it made it ok from 1966 until 1983 without me. it's so hard to give it up. but i hadn't played it since 1987. i hope it goes it's own way and finds love and new things to do. i will always love it.

i went and saw a terrible all female band at the walker called the nancy sinatras. we kick their ass.

i banged my head yesterday and i've had a headache ever since.
i dreamt of death last night. death by poison.
teresa's in thailand now.
it's been ok living with cris so far. he got a job at ciatti's. today is his 1st day.
i bought "transformation" by w. strieber 2 days ago after i finished "communion".i also bought "a spiral dance" by starhawk.
i feel strange. transformation is in the air. time to shed another layer of skin and step into another interval.
maturity? getting there. it feels good, i think. i see dr. huey tomorrow but i don't know what to talk about.

listening to antena, replacements, 1 song by gary numan and 1 tape of my 1st "band" called cripsy nuns with david. boy, it's so bad. struggling youth. searching.
now i'm listening to japan. this album is finally starting to make sense to me. like i can sort of figure out how the hell they figured it out. that's good.

the finale of twin peaks is tomorrow. better be good.
went swimming last week with cris which was good and cleansing. i need the ocean. i need water to balance me out. i've been wanting to make art with sheet metal and pounding found metal objects, blow torch, paint..but i have no $ for space or time or room or materials.

6.13.1991
i finished the book "transformation" and i'm trying to read "the dance of anger" that dr. huey recommended to me. here is a list of negatives i believe in but do not want to:
1) society does not value creativity, imagination, or anything different unless they can make a buck off it.
2) because i am a small woman i am vulnerable to physical attack and i cannot voice my opinions whenever i want to to men who might harm me.
3) i must pay my "dues" before i can get what i want
4) life is a struggle
5) if i don't make it in my band, i am fucked. i am resigned to go through life never fully valued but scorned upon. i will never be taken seriously and i'll always be comprising much (if not all ) of my life to meaningless jobs. i will always be scraping by, JUST coping, doomed to be forever misunderstood.
6) i am a nervous person
7) people think i'm weird

what are my dues?
pain

what do i want?
to be valued
to be safe
to feel awe and love for my world
to be constantly amazed by beauty
to live to my full potential
to grow

what do i need to learn?
balance
acceptance
to recognize beauty in all things

what do i want in the (near) future?
a new creatively fulfilling well paid job where i am valued.
a HOME

what i should do?
bmi
copyright
album cover
band photos
send album off to another record co.
sgt. sorrow book
excersise
meditate read
practice guitar
affirmations
write new songs
practice creative visualization
sewing clothes
paint/sculpture
get better at writing
astral project

personal symbols:

eyes, leaves, rabbits, hearts, spirals, feathers, cups, circles, fire, the sun, angels, wands, the child winthin, keys, the ocean, saeshells, driftwood, rocks, globe, veils, trbal beats, repitition, jazz, scrification, tattoos, creatures, mannequins, bracelets, braids, skulls, marbles, cobalt, sand, ornaments, morning dove, harpsichord, bonfire, androids, cemetaries, warehouses, decay. rust, moss, brick, cracks, dolls, cats, charcoal, molasses, henna, ruins, windows, doors, gargoyles, velvet, silk, leather, suede, fur, lace, wax, silver, garnets, pink, red, green, black, roses, gauze, boots, fountains, tassles, ebony, cedar, mahogany, cypress, weeping willow, sandstone, pipestpone, saffron, cinnamon, oregano, basil, frankincence, cloves, blueberries, strawberries, plums, apricots, ginger, ginseng, musk, patchouli, rosemary, parchment, clay, earth, glitter, chimes, pie organ, viola, black eyeliner, linseed oil, fringe

6.14.91 10:48pm
i am soaking up a lot of information about UFOs, alternative energy, and changes in consciousness.
my dad turned 51 two days ago and my brother turned 22. weird.

i got a raide to $4.75.
yippee.

i've been opening myself up to a job change or something lately ( last few days) and then i got a raise.
i think a lot about my band and the direction i want it to go in. what i want to say. something universal or just for fun? does it matter anyway?

6.16.1991
songs we did from 1984 through 1987:

we are the garden
i wrote you a letter
i must do
feeling like the rain
going all the way (old garage band)
not long ago
it's my life
success story
were you a friend
3,000 people
everything is
let me show you
roper doper
i've seen this city before
living in my world
do you dream of these
can't stop the world (the gogos)
lady next door
outdoor miner (wire)
midnight hour (wilson picket)
walk away
my mind's eye ( the small faces)
wicked annabella ( the kinks )
that's the way
would i become like you ( the small faces )
venus ( old garage band )
city in the sun
turn to black

songs we didn't do but i wrote:

darker
i feel like dying
don't mess with my dream
let go
walls of glass
listen
if only
up in my head
charlotte
bite your lip
i want the world to know
ocean in my eyes
stop my mind

6.16.1991 , 10:39pm
i need to do an affirmation to rid myself of the guilt of wanting fame and money. carolyn came over today and i showed her "turning burning" and "i'm watching". that's the last of the old songs for her to learn, yay!

6.17.1991 9:48pm
i woke up this morning at 11:am feeling very awake and i made a lot of phone calls. then around 3pm i got a severe headache and had to lay down and i stayed there until almost 9:00 pm. i dreamt about an incredible evil force.ghost that haunted a large mansion. i had to burn frankincense.
i dream a lot about evil now that i think about it. i'm very scared of it and feel i have no control over it. i fear it will consume and eat me and torture my soul. or that i might become evil? what is my biggest fear?

if alice in wonderland had written "a clockwork orange" and jean cocteau set it to music, it might sound a lot like "introducing sorrow:, the latest album by The Blue Up?.
songwriter/performer/singer ana voog's world exists in a pce where light meets dark and naivete meets madness. "sorrow" says simply "we destroy what we fear for we do not understand it".

in "Introducing Sorrow", voog's music remains true to the driving pop exemplified in her earlier works but now weaves in and plays with more harmonious surrealism in vocals and musical arrangements.

"introducing Sorrow" features the innovative dynamic drumming we've come to expect from The Blue Up's percussionist, Rene Bracchi. Voog sings and plays everything else, along with producing the album.
regretfully, Carolyn Rush, the bassist, was out-of-stae at the time of the recording attemoting to defy gravity.

this tight knit trio is constantly recreating itself. bewildering and entertaining their audiences with their strange explosive live shows using giant flies to balloons!
tours of the states and europe are coming soon! so keep your eyes, ears and hearts open as The Blue Up? manifests near you!

6.6.1991

origin of the name The Blue Up?

there is no interesting story behind the name. i wish there were! it just popped my head one day and thought it would be a cool name :) of course then picking that name turned out to be a huge headache for as everyone couldn't spell it. so when people asked what the name of my band was i'd have to say, " it's the blue up? the colour blue, as in B L U E like the colour of the sky and up as in *points upwards* and there's a question mark at the end. it's also, obviously, a play on words. why? oh no reason, just to be quirky" and they'd still spell it or say it wrong anyway. which is why then i picked the name ANA for our next name after 11 years of that. but people mispell that one to but at least it's a shorter sentence saying "ana with one n" :)