my 2ns dream is i am in the front yard of a very large house that i rent (?) or was it my mom's? or both? so i am sitting on a swing and brian is in the other swing. i remark how weird these songs are because while brian is on his swing it looks like a horse/camel? and when he gets off of it, it's just a swing. he says he likes the fence around the yard. i agree.
we are talking more comfotably around each other. i want to show him my new songs but i can't find them on tape or it is the wrong one. then he has to leave.
then my mo is there and she is tryng on some of my new clothes. she has a long red dress, early 1900's with a red jacket that goes with.
i put on the red jacket and she says i look remarkably like an old swedish woman. i look in the mirror and she is right. i look very old and my nose is long and straight and wider. i don't like it, but it's interesting.
then i am talking on the phone to a girl who might be our keyboard player. she is a dancer and then i find out she is a prostitute, too. she says she's been so busy but she's really excited and could i bring over the tapes of the new songs? i don't feel good about it at all...being associated with all that scene again that she's into. i think about cris from my previous dreamand i realize it's morning and i haven't talked to him yet. i recall that when he had disappeared from the party he had gone out with some members of a secret cult "peace" society. but they were more like skinheads and they had nothing to do with peace at all. but cris was wearing one of their black capes with a daisy on the hood very tight on his bosy as if he were embracing it, but it was ver false.
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i talked to cris yesterday. he called me from work and said had i see the doors movie and i asked if i thought morrison was still a dick in a tone that was jealousy. and i said yes, but he would've gotten off on all the exotic women in strange places. and cris said " weeeeellllllll.." kind of in a joking manner which made me REALLY angry. so we discussed that for awhile. i was very cold. then i called him back. he was cold to me. he didn't want to talk about it but we did. i can't accept infidelity in anyone, even myself. i'm so afraid the rug will be pulled from under me and second again.
he said he would like to know the truth about me. i just still don't trust him anymre. i don't know if i can ever again, especially when he still sees nikki and arden. then later on he called me when i was home and arden and her "boyfriend" michael were there. they had dropped in on him at work and drove him home. and keri called and was also coming over. even though he said he hasn't slept in 2 days and he wanted to go to bed in 1/2 an hour. but he drank a lot of coffee anyway and wouldn't be able to sleep for awhile. but he's coming over to my house tonight after another 12-13 hour day and who knows what condition he'll be in. arden is an intruder. nikki is an intruder. i feel he should tell them to fuck off to save my sanity and try to regain me trusting him again.
i feel insulted. and i'm seething inside with such resentment. it gets in the way of my fully loving him. he thinks i should just get over it. but it's like a knife in your back and prevents you from reclining down on anything and feeling comfortable.
oh, that's such a great analogy! my handwriting is so psycho.

3.17. 1991 11:24am
i dreamt a lot about death last night.
firstly, liz came back from africa...i was so excited to see her but she was not well. she died and i did not want to look at her, but i glanced quickly and she was laying in bed behind a screen, like a hospital, and her face was distorted and dark brown.
i wished i hadn't seen it.
she was cremated in the oven of the house i was living in, but i didn't know that until i tried to open the oven to put in a tv dinner. i opened it up just an inch but right away the stench of burning flesh was so great i was nauseous. other things were happening but i can't remember. maybe liz turned into diane of rockit records but then i know she turned into lorna doone and partly my grandma at the same time. lorna was bedridden and fat and couldn't breathe well. i think there was an IV in the room. she died of suffocation. flegm just got caught in her throat or something. i was really grossed out and i wondered who would take her room because it was so big. i tjought me, but then i thought of oh, of course, jim.
but then i remembered that maybe she didn't have a will and maybe i'd have to move out very soon.
i was bummed.
i was looking through her clothes but they were all boring basic things 80's style.
but she had a lot of black votive candles still never used.
i looked around her room, lorna was still alive even though she was dead...like 2 seperate people. the alive lorna was aware of the other lorna dead.
we went back a day in time and then we both knew that lorna would die at this precise time. lorna's room was big and spacious. it was pastel colours. i noticed curtains i hadn't seen before, 2 windows had pictures of children angels and one window had pictures of babies playing. i thought what an interesting side of lorna. how nice. the room had the lighting of dusk or early morning, or a cloudy day.
the bathtub was full of water because the lorna who would die soon was going to take a bath, but me and the other lorna knew she would never take that bath.
there was an alarn clock that was hanging over the bath that would ring an alarm when the dead lorna would die. the alive lorna and me were talking and then i heard choking far away and muffled. i wondered if i should help her live, although i didn't know how, but i knew if i did it would only be a few more days of agonizing life for her.
that night i had to sleep in the same bed as the dead lorna. me on one side of her lying perfectly straight so i wouldn't touch her and lorna or my grandpa or cris or ed or someone on the other side of her. they were acting like it was no nig deal, just a slight inconvenience.

this is all so hard to write down because i'm forgetting it fast and it's getting very distorted.

i'm in a graveyard, there's a section in the middle that is the new modern gravestones. one is a coffin on the outside of the earth. the case is made of stome, but the lid is wood and inside is a straw representative of the women poet who is buried here, but the years are deteriorating it. it is winter, too.
i think, how shoddy, but a nice idea, too bad it doesn't last longer.
i think how i could fix it somehow. another garvestone i find is made of cardboard. it comes apart as i touch it. it was made by a big coorporation as a new modern way of saving money. i am scornful. i think maybe i should make this part of the cemetary my project to restore and add dignity.

then we are at the beach on the ocean near the cemetary. a young red headed irish girl, despite the snow, starts taking off her clothes. she is a movie star. maybe is doing this for a movie. then she runs and climbs a big tree. she is distracted over her lover. he send many people to try and coerce her with presents to come down..but not himself, which is all she wants. the men hold flowers up to her. then i am a man and i take the flowers from the fake suitors and i cut some flowers from the tree she is in with a big sword. i start arranging the flowers without the stems in my open palm, placing them inbetween my fingers. i start courting her with my creative display and poetry. i am showing her that i care and i know she wants romance. she i me then in the tress and is so moved by this she wants to cry. it is such a beautiful thing for someone to do.
many people are watching all this happen (the minneapolis music scene) then i'm back at the cemetary.
part of a grave is a frozen leg coming out of the ground. i start to lick it to bring it back to life and add warmth so it doesn't get frostbite in the snow. it repluses me, but i feel that someone must do it to show they care.
it's kind of a sexy thing but it takes courage to do it. i am setting an example for others. a carload of men from a local band watch. i think they wish i would do that for them but they don't understand why i am doing it. i think i lay on top of some dead people, too, they are frozen and stiff but somehow still alive underneath. i want to show them i care by warming them with my body. i don't want my intentions to be miscontrued.
sometime in this dream , and this really grosses me out now that i'm awake, but i think i was laying on my dad and he was turned on by me and wanted to have sex, but would say it wouldn't be right and i knew it wouldn't be right maybe...but then saying..why is it wring? why not? but somehow the idea did gross me out but excite me , too and make me feel perverted and strange. we never dd anything about it. YUCK!!
i remember now i think i have just 2 other dreams about something like that. RUDE!!

it seemed this portion of the cemetary with the cheap gravestones was women poets or political figures. one was a little girl named mary lou or something and i had to warm her. but it was kind of a perverted thing laying on top of this little girl but it wasn't her body...just the gravestone. so maybe i wasn't really laying on their bodies, their gravestones just symbolized it.
oh ya...somewhere in this dream i was with my grandpa and he could do all these great things, like make chairs stick to the celing with just his mind. he had all sorts of knowledge and cool things. i wish i could remember now. i told him he should put all the chairs on the ceiling and he'd have more room...but he said that would freak everyone out.

3.17.1991 11:22pm
i talked to ed for 2 1/2 hours today rehashing the past. i cried and felt ridiculous but things just have to be more resolved before i can move on. i feel better but exhausted. i've been stressed today, not breathing deeply. taken 4 xanax, 2 tylenol and 2 advil and 2 vitamins today. i bowl of cereal. but i'm hungry now.
practice is good. i think we're finally figuring out what we're all about now that brain is gone and we're all women again. being a 3 piece is exciting and scary. i feel good. i left a message on nick ralph's answering machine. i haven't heard a peep in 1/2 months. cris is coming over in about an hour oe less. life is difficult and sometimes i feel overwhelmed but when i get bursts of energy i can really do a lot. i've been thinking of goong to MCAD lately. i really want to get back to art, painting, sculpture, etc. everything!
i dyed my hair red...maybe i already said that before. cris and i are going to new orleans in may. i have to save $. but i'm going to see dr. huey tomorrow anyway, which costs #25. i just hate to break appointments.
i feel on the edge of getting better so it feels turmultuous but in a good way.
my room's a pit, as usual. but i don't feel motivated to clean it. it's always a mess usually, i have so much stuff. i took all my junk jewelry and glued it onto a frame a few days ago and it looks great. i did a collage over a well known picture of jesus. i hung it at ragstock. i've wriiten 3 songs in the past few months and they sound great at practice. cris and i still fight about arden and nikki a lot, but sex is great. now we're getting along great for a week. i love him so much and i guess it's sinking in that he loves me. it's hard for me to believe. i always feel that the rug is going to be pulled under me any minute.

i'm going to make a bag...here is the design of it: (there is a drawing here)

3.20.1991 9:21am
i dreamt i was back in my mom's house but then there'd been a flood (?) from winter thawing (?). she had lots of farm animals but found room for them in other places. a mother pig and four piglets were left running free in the house. it smelled like shit. one piglet kept trying to nuzzle up to me.
cris and his 3 kids were over. they were sleeping on the floor. cris said he wanted to show me something. then i heard him cry out. the thing he wanted to show me was a snake and it was pretty bright green with stripes ( red? orange? ) but it was very poisonous. cris called 911 immediately. we ran outside to wait for the ambulance. i was extremely concerned for cris. and also the snake had gotten loose on the lawn and i didn't want anyone else to be bit by it, especially me. but he found it and wrapped it in a pink twoel. he said it was dead. he had poked it's eyes out. i was relieved but grossed out. he was wondering who woul dtake care of the kids. i assured him i would. he took harris with him.

then ragstock dreams of michele being ridiculously anal retentive

[30 Apr 2002|05:55pm]
i thought i'd feel good about typing out some of my old journals. i thought i'd feel i had gotten something accomplished today, but instead i just feel exhausted from the process. it was such a terrible time in my life...to go back there and feel it a bit more on the detailed side has made me feel icky all over.

and typing out the dreams makes me feel especially restless. i get quickly bored by them, which i find interesting. (lol at that paradoxical sentence)
when i read about my life...it takes me right back there..but when i read the dreams...it is one more step removed from life and i feel detached from them but i can more easily see the meanings now. in fact, quite a few of them were actually a bit too much like real life LATELY which was very scary! too twin peaks like for me!
i LOVE twin peaks...but i don't want my LIFE to be like that tv show. it's creepy how much my life DOES emmulate that show in it's overly uncomfortableand surreal dark style. the only thing that's missing is a dancing midget.

3.26.91 8pm
last night dreams of band stuff. we were playing in the ocean near the shore. each time in my dreams we do a bit better...at least our amps are plugged in and we know some songs.
coffee with kat bjelland at the black forest today. then i walked to dao foods and bought some frankincense, rosemary, cloves and charcoal. bought seals and crofts, queen II 8 tracks, and doll and view master at the salvation army. 70 degrees today! walked everywhere.
feeling awake today but tomorrow a split shift. i just finalnally recuperate from work and then back again.
made a cool doll. put the white head on the silver doll. really scary space doll!

good to see kat. interestng to see what it's like at her level of "bandom". i want to be at her level so bad, although it's so hard and she has no money.

brian just stopped by with proof sheets of pix he took of me a long time ago. they're really cool!

sheila brought over a rug for me, it's so cool, too.

i dreamt i ran into Dawn from the new all female band called Smut and i apologized to her for missing her show. we played a show and she wasn't too impressed and i was sad at at that.

(i ching) questions
what should i do about cris with this richard w. thing?

11:34pm i don't get anything .everything's horrible. sunday i potential friend of mine that i liked because i like his music and we would collaborate in stuff is the one person in the world cris hates most. 5 years ago he talked to him ( richard ) and decided he couldn't live with people like that in the world...so he tried to kill himself.

the next day i found $80 of my money is gone. the next day my lovely blue richenbacker was gone and my motorcycle jacket. and i think it is this guy named john who is lorna's new boyfriend who has aids and is addicted to coke.

so the i tell lorna i think it's him and now she's disappeared for 5 days. but i saw her today and now she's gone again. so now jim thinks we should move. and i guess we're gonna. but i love this place. and i have so much to move. and i can't afford more than $200 in rent a month.

so i had to tell richard i couldn't see him for awhile because i didn't want to be a hypocrite and put cris through the same hell he put me through with arden and nicki.

that same day i found festival of animation flyers around. so now i know shane's in town. i told cris i wanted to go see the show and have cofee with shane to tie up loose ends. now cris is totally freaked on me and i have such a stomache ache.

i called cris at work this morning and cried for the 1st time about all of this. i thought i was going to throw up but i had to stop because i had to go downtown to get my meds and reaaply for the part pay program.

cris is cold and distant and said he can give me no sympathy. even though before when only when he was on the other side he said i was being ridiculous and it was my problem and to get over it and he was running out of sympahy for me then, too.

now i try to give him sympathy, but it doesn't seem to do any good. he is just silent and cold. that is his way of dealing with things...to put them inside and say "forget it" about them. but now he has to deal with it and so do i.

it just males me realize how far i've gotten about the nicki/arden thing.
the whole thing is not fair and now i don't have anything to lean on at all and the rug is pulled fom under me once again and i don't know why. and i'm so mad and afraid and angry and confused.

i just want to have coffee with shane once and HE can go to all of nicki's parties and have coffee with her and go to art museums and have arden watch his kids. and i feel so mad at this double standard and i wonder if this relationship is so immature and ridiculous.

it's just almost a constant struggle with jealousy and pain.
i think we're almost through them and then WHAM!
i'm so restless and i don't want to up my meds but i'm afraid i won't eat. but maybe i will. i have so much to do. i owe $429 in taxes, clean my room, pack, find a new place to live, do band photos on wednesday and do the cover for the album and business cards for lunatik and do their windows in two weeks. write new songs, record, show carolyn her bass parts, and nick from midnight music records is not giving me my contract.

all i have is a job that makes me $3.92 an hour after taxes and a lot of groovy slothes.

i suppose lots more, too...but still this is really all too much. i just want to sleep but now i'm so awake 'cause i was up til 4am reading "communion". it's a really scary story about abduction by UFOs.

i feel so manic right now and i want to calm down and i already took one xanax an hour ago. and i'm waiting for cris to call me but it could be hours or never and how will he be to me? i'm scared to go to new orleans with him and he just found out that his mom doesn't like me and she's upset i'm going.
so why did she say we could?

i dreamt a dew nights ago i was in labour. it was hard but sory of exciting and scary. but it never came out. i just saw the top of it's head.

i feel like i just want to twitch or blink a lot or rock back and forth. i can't caych my breath. i can't write fast enough. i'm so frustrated. why is my life such hell? what did i do? what the FUCK!!!!!!!!!!????????