2.6.1991 5:46am
2.6.1991 5:46am i just woke from a typical terrible dream. typical that it's terrible.
being in a shopping mall, my friend says he hates the smell of shoes. we go through a cheap hot dog drive thru in our small town. i think me and all my friends get arrested and thrown into jail. jail is a big cell with a swimming pool in it. chris, the waiter, is on control of itas he is now a zombie. in jail, chris is in control of turning up the heat on us. somehow i escape as chiris turns up the heat so hot you would die in serveral hours. i tell Cris (my boyfriend) that i am running across the border to canada to figure out what to do....find my grandma or something. we both make it across. as we get interrogated by the border (but they let us past with a few questions), i am bawling.
i feel so good and safe when i am across the border, but where am i?
how will i live?
it's getting to be dark soon. CRis and I are hugging in the woods. i ask if we could make love behind a rock (then i remember i am sore , as i am in real life)....he declines anyway...and as he says this, he (for a second) turns into Ed.
i tell him goodbye and to wait for me. he says he will.
my dream skips to days later. i sneak across the border to the U.S. to visit my friends in jail. secretly, they are my band and we're the bagles...i'm susanna hoffs. we all secretly sing into some headphones into a small recording device i have (one of our old songs). we sing in perfect harmomy.
we are outside the jail in green grass. it is summer. the sun is shining. but carolyn (?) tellsme that Chris is turning up the heat ubearably. she feels she wil die. as she says this, i am her.
i see Cris and tell him again to wait. he says he will, but Cris is a housewife with many kids in a little house with maybe a husband. i am afriad of his infidelity, as i might be gone for months. he says he will wait.
i hear about myself in the news. my last name is "Long" or "Longo".
all i can remember next is: i reach a stream. it is covered by thick brush on each side. it is very shallow and i can see the bottom although the bottom is slipperly and muddy. there is hardly any seaweed or rocks.
at first i swim, but then i see i can wade. it's only up to my knees.
gigantic, 3 feet long, very fat fish swim by me, actually just one. then another one makes a cute sound at me and looks pregnant. i reach the end (?) of the stream and there some of my friends (or do i know them?) are catching fish straight from the lake before they go into the stream.
i tell them about the big ones i saw and that they were too friendly to kill. just then, they catch a gigantic bullhea about 15 feet long and mean and ugly as hell. it kicks and growls like a bull in a bullpen. then they beat it over the head til it is dead.
but it's so old and foul it is inedible. it's blood is thick and yellow and rancid. then ( all of a sudden (?)), i am still in the stream but it is also a path? shallower? i am in the army. i have just joined? and we're planning out our strategies. i am scared but confident. lots of wires are lying on the ground with many ways to connect them. i do it quickly, but there are a few faults in the wiring but nothing major. hopefully the enemy won't notice.
then i am on a vast highway in my very long and streamlines tanker with many other people helping me run it. we whiz at incredible speed at part of the enemy on the highway. as we attack we whiz through them so fast it takes only 1 second. i am amazed it took so fast. i didn't even see the enemy or remember fighting. but i notice a bb (bullet?) has gone straight through the taker, through a guy named Riley and straight through my heart. (or very near it...i don't know) through the back of the tank.
it hardly hurts, but i bring it to Riley's attention. we are still travelling at incredible speed. the wind, as it hits us, goes through the tiny hole in the tank causing me to bleed a lot.
we hit the next enemy camp on the highway. this time i see what goes on. we pretty much blow up the enemy. but them blowing up detroys my tanker, too and i jetison out of it in my own private space car thing. i leave behind everything blazing, hoping no one's still alive to see me abandon ship and run like hell.
i run into another enemy camp that' sbeen blown up. i hitch a ride behind the enemy truck (?) thing so as to not be detected. then i am on foot again in a mall/office com plex which appears to be abandoned. i find some gas masks and other things i need. i am pleased about that.
i put the gas mask on. i can really feel and smell what it's like to have as gas mask on. i can breathe a lot more than i thought i could but breathing hurts slightly because of the womund in my chest. i wonder if it hurt my heart and if i will die soon if i don't get medical attention. or will it heal on it's own? since i can't get medical attention because i've abandoned ship and am in the enemy zone, i hope it will heal on it's own.
i am trying to disguise myself as the enemy (the gas mask is the enemie's) so i can infiltrate it on a mission of my own although i don't knwo where i'm going are what i'm supposed to do and i don't even hate the enemy because i don't know them or what i'm fighting for. i only know they will kill me if they detect me.

i think of Cris and hope he will wait and i don't die.
i wake up. ( i am an older man in alet 30's during the war stuff. slightly weather beaten, kind, determined, peaceful at heart, but will gight if i have to but don't want to. scared but courageous, diligent, thiughtful, loyal, sad, very alone. a loner, slightly lonely....somewhat like my dad/harrison ford/me )
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it's now 6:29am and still very dark. the garbage men are outside. i took a xanax and have calmed down considerably. i feel safe again. i lit my pink candle and dhopp incense. my room is very clean. i cleaned it last night and put two more garbage bags of clothes downstairs so now no pile is on my floor. the first in months.

i have all my musical stuff out now in front of me on a chair. i wrote my 1st new song in about a year on the 3rd. very pop/newwave called "i'm inside". i like it a lot.

we were going to play a show in the main room with Spirit but it got cancelled and Steve offered us a different but lame show which we declined.
we'll start back up with practice in March with, hopefully, bunches of new songs.
Dominique said she would like to learn to play keyboards.

so much to say, once again, but now i'm tired.
i have to get back to bed to get back up at 9am. i have a split shift.
oh ya...Teresa, who i work with, is going to move in here on the 11th.
just ate a french meadow bakery blueberry muffin.
it's 6:45 am and considerably lighter outide.

 

2.8.1991 11:24pm
i dream a lot about war, futuristic things, ecology, band, cris.
i am happy about teresa moving in. i am finding we have a lot of things in common. our voices are even similiar.
i am aort of watching "down by law" again. "valleygirl" is on in 4 minutes. if i watch it, i have seen it 5 or 6 times.
i still watch twin peaks every week. some stories are getting pretty corny, but the ufo bit is good.
i stilll have problems and nightmares about arden and nikki and now i have the problem of cris of he is bored of many things i talk about. that is a bad sign. i hope not.
but we love each other immensely. someday maybe things will be ironed out and i can be confident and peaceful.
i am watching a lot of informative things on TV lately about ecology and black people.
i wish i wanted to go into detail, but it's all in my head.

song title: disappear

2.3.1991

I'm Inside

when i was a child
i could build a fort
i would go inside it
with nothing to report

when i was a child
i could build a wall\it'd be made of pillows
and it would never fall

i'm inside

when i was a child
i could build a hill
and no one ever climbed it
and no one ever will

when i was a child
i could build a state
only love you'd find there
there was never hate

2.10.1991

How Can You

what did i ever do to deserve to be spit on like this, BEST FRIEND?
now you're kissing me with your fist.
what is the meaning THE MEANING OF THIS?

HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEAN

i opened up to you like a flower
you came inside of me all of the way
but you stung me with freezing poison
but it didn't numbthe pain, i'm afraid

how can you be so mean?
how can you do this to me?

don't you realize all of your violence,
unemotional cutting remarks,
leaves me lost, bewildered and trembling?
i am a child afraid of the dark

how can you?

2.17 1991

Flying

i'm whistling on a window
laughing in a teardrop
staring at a stranger
crying at the busstop
tearing all my postcards
tossing all my notions
turning round the corner
going through the motions

i'm flying

dancing at the airport
waving at the driver
drowning in a sanddrift
diving at the diver
running in the highway
ripping down the stopsigns
feeling all the sunrsys
steeping cross the borderline

i'm flying
nothing can stop me

spitting at the tv
sailing on broken glass
spinning in a cloudburst
going over the underpass
changing the channel
drawing on the white walls
smashing all the closed doors
screaming down the long hall

i'm flying

 

3.2.1991 8:39am
Dream:
far off, in the beginning of my dream, i was in a jungle place with someone looking for something in a swamp.

the cris told me he was going to go to this party with pod (?) or maybe this good looking oriental girl i didn't know.
then i was at the oriental girl's house and cris was going to pick her up there.
against my better sense, i just starting trashing the place. she was afraid of me and i hated her and didn't want to. i felt ridicullous because i was trying to rationalize was i was so mad. i was trying to tell myself it didn't matter because i would see cris when he got home and there was nothing between cris and her. but i was so mad that cris hadn't asked me to go with him. he wanted me not to come and to be away from me with somone else. i was throwing things everywhere. i kjnew that cris was due any minute. then i stopped and said to the girl that i was sorry. i was afraid at the damage i had done. i hugged her, she being reluctant, of course, and i tried to console her that i would never hurt her again. she was as tall as me and sort of almost my body type. then cris came and got her and they left.
so i was trying to decide if i should go do something to show my independence or just stay home and feel miserable.
then i wa at michele's house. she was having a party.
i was in a room. everyone was talking. i had drunk something or smoked hash or did acid or something but it hadn't affected me yet. i decided to have a bong hit...but then it hit me...so i decided not to.
i was very stoned with tunnel vision so i decided to go into the next room and try to regain myself. ( before i decided to take anothe hit, i was talking to this kid that comes in to Ragstock and smells bad and is schozophrenic. i am talking to him and he doesn't seem as insane to me, although he looks terrible and smells bad. he is waiting for a date. all of a sudden i realize that i'm the only one talking to him and i shouldn't be talking to him because he is a crazy, danergous and bad person...that is when i decide to move away from him and have another hit).

so i'm in this room ( the kitchen) by myself watching cnn (?) on cable. then two guys and a kid walks in. the man is tired and listless but he has cocaine and he asks me if i want some. i say no way. so he snorts a lot right out of this envelope. NO WAUT...i go into the kitchen and because i'm really stoned i get a gigantic nosebleed. i think this is very odd and i wonder why it's happening.
so this guy does a lot of cocaine and his nose is white with powder.
then he starts running around and playing with the child. i'm amazed at how he is awake. i am still holding my nose with a kleenex. i decide to leave the kitchen because they are there.
i walk into the room and notice everyone has gone.
i panic. where have they gone? why has no one asked me to come with? are they coming back? how long will they be away? are they with cris? what time is it? what is cris doing? where am i , anyway?
i explore michele's house. it is vast and luxurious. maybe i am with someone, but i feel alone. i run into the butler and the staff. they are all men. i start to tell one my problem. i am tell him how scared i am and about my bloody nose. i think how mice to have him there to listen, and no...i am not alone, and give me advice. but then everyone comes home just as he's getting an evil look in his eye and puts his hand in his pants to scratch his genitals. then he gets up to leave and he pushes his erect penis( that is still his pants ) very close to my face.
i close my eyes and pretend not to see.
i am disapointed that everyone has bad intentions.
i decide not to be with the othes. i feel like exploring the house.
i guess they had gone out to 7-11 or something.
i am with someone, maybe carolyn. we go into the next level of the (my) house. then i remember this house before ( from a previous dream) and say, " did you know about the top floor that's haunted?". she says yes but she never had the guts to make it that far. she asks, "how have you been?" and i say, "the very top".
then i wonder to myself if it was the very top. i star to feel the anxiety of going up to the top with her but i want to go up there and i am curious. then someone points to a curious room, "look at all this grease and the curtians have been shredded".
we think it might be evidence of a poltergeist. then we see a small grey cat that i know convulsing by the window of the torn curtains. then we deduct it was the cat that did this and it is very ill and near death. it is convulsing horribly. i panic and want to call 911, then i think they probably won't care about a cat.
then i say, " let me see the phonebok so i can call a vet" (by the way, the man with the dick said he was 6'5" and i tell him the story of how Ed is 6'1" and how i couldn't barely reach to kiss him and that's when he put his hand down his pants).
the mother of the house, who is not michele in a "blah-zay" way gives me the # to her personal vet. but there are lots of names and numbers and i panic and can't find it on the page. then i find it and the vet lives in illinois.
no one seems to care about this poor cat. no one is helping me. then the cat dies.
the mother says it's dead.
i burst out in painful sobs.
no one else is crying or feeling anything, even though it is their cat.
i feel so alone and angry and cnfused as to why everyone is so horrible. i say what else can go wrong? why is this happening to me? what have i done?

then cris calls me and i am relieved he is home. but he tells me he doesn't want to see me even now because why would he after i trash that house and am glomming on him all the time and being so horny lately. it wasn't like em and i'm being weird.
i am just stricken with pain at feeling ridiclous over not being able to control my anger at trashing the house. i feel not in control. i am angry he cannot understand but i feel i am digging my own grave.

going back again, when i was sitting with everyone, this woman was lying on the ground reciting a demonic ritual. when she was done i told her that was ridiculous and pretty funny. i scorn her but then fee everyone's scorn of me. so i say, " sorry, whatever makes you happy is good for you." and i think to myseld maybe i'm not LOVING enough and that's why all this bad stuff is happening to me. i realize how stuck in the habit of scorning i am and how hard it is to get out of. i feel i should burn some purification incense to get her bad vibes out of the room but i can't find all the ingredients.

***previous dream from months ago:
i am in a house and the higher in it i go, the more pressure i feel on my eyes and body and soul, as i feel the deeper you go under water. but i force myself higher and higher into this room that is very bright with indirect sunlight. everything is very neat but dusty. no one has been up here for a long time. i feel such a compressing pressure. i wonder who used to live here? what happened here? , etc. i look around in the drawers and old photographs. but i don't touch much. the room is very white or beige. then i leave because the pressure is too much. i have dreamt a lot of haunted places, i think always in a room that is high up in a house.