10.13.90 11:39, Saturday

The leaves are turning. Autumn is near. I feel a sense of relief that the summer is over. The trees will rest now and I hope I will, too...turning inward, nesting. I'm very settled in my room. It's quite a nest, a dreamy soft pink Alice in Wonderland. I will rest here and slowly start to unfold. It is my cocoon and unseen from the rest of the world I will make my transformations. Possibly by Spring I will be ready to "NOW FLY THRU". I burn a lot of incense to rid of negative energies. My room is mine and nothing can infiltrate it. My angels and mannequins are my guardians. I'm starting to burn a lot of candles again, too, now that it's colder.
I'm listening to the Twin Peak's soundtrack first the 1st time. It's kind of hokey, but I like the "dreamy" jazz. Twin Peaks is my fix, I love it so much. I love Audrey. I have cable now so i'm completely "media-ized". The 90's are going to be a fascinating decade. Such a collage of all the other decades and of all cultures. Japanese ska bands and Spanish rap Eastern embroidered baseball caps and 60's/90's psychedlia, so cold, cynical, hip.
But my room is warm.
The Blue Up? played it's first live set in quite awhile on 10/10, a Wednesday, in the Entry between sets of Ultravivid scene and Bob mould in the mainroom. I was depressed after because we played everything so fast and sometimes almost lost it. But everyone really loved us, so I'm crossing my fingers.
I got the contract last month from Midnight Music Records, but still in the negotiating stage. The record might be out in Jan/Feb. I've decided to call it "Introducing Sorrow".
Cris will be over soon, we're getting along fabulously, weird, huh? We see Dr. Huey together and we are learning to communicate much better. I hope I will be happy for a long time. My summer's are always living hell.

Nov. 13th, 7:37pm 31 degrees F

It' been 13 days since I've weaned myself off sinequan. I've been feeling a little hopeless, lost unmotivated, overwhelmed about the band thing. I've been waiting a month and a half for a reply from NIck Ralph ( from Midnight Music ) about the contract. I still haven't made the cover for the album. Maybe I should do a little tonight. I don't feel like writing these songs anymore that were in me and never got out. Last week we recorded ourselves and that was the start of my major depression. We sounded so amateur. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself, we've only played live now 4 times in this configuration. But it just seems that at almost 25 years old I should have something better. Renee bangs and plays her cymbals and fills too much on her shitty drum kit. Carolyn is an O.K. bass player but she sings weak with no emotion and Brian is OK, too, but not really as dynamic as I'd hoped. He fills his day with 2 jobs and school and is always stressed. And no one dresses cool either for that matter. I need some money for a light show, at least a small one. I want my own microphone and delay unit, etc, etc. I don't want to add a millin extra people to fill in for other's inadequacies. But I'm thinking of having Nique fill in some background vocals until I can find a guitarist who can sing well ( I hope ) so I don't have to play guitar anymore and have good background vocals. There is so much to be done, I feel drained and overwhelmed by it. I wonder if things are so difficult for us, what am I doing wrong? Should I even be in a band? I think so. Just maybe in a different way. Maybe I shouldn't think so much about the future and I would enjoy everything more, but I don't want to work at Ragstock forever or be 30-35 and still just getting by.
I feel so lost...this is a pleato my nagels, if I have any, to please manifest some doors for me or show me how t manifest my own. I need some direction, some hope and insight, a littl epush, a helping hand, a sign. All my numerology right now is saying discern true from the false, the real from the unreal, the useable from the waste. A period of change. God, haven't I had enough of that? And please don't take my dear Cris away from me. I don't think he'll be leaving my life anytime soon, but after this summer, you just never know. He's my something to hold onto. Let him come with me or me with him.
My clothes overwhelm me, I've been trying to break free of them, get them out of my sight, bagging them up for later dealings with and putting them downstairs. It's a slow process. Things can weigh you down, literally, physically get in your way, stop me from writing songs...or is that an excuse?
My dreams are uncomfortable, a way I feel all the time, an underlying current of uncertainty. Why can't I let go, be free, tear open this cocoon? What am i afraid of? Not coming back? Losing everything, being lost, ungrounded, floating away, drowning, being critisized for being too free, too arrogant, too insensitive to other people? But would I really be that way? Where's the balance? Where's my angel? What am I supposed to do?
I bought a ticket to the Cocteau Twins. I listen to them a lot lately and the Pixies. Fucking cost $22.50 and $17.50 to see them. I'm going to study what they do on stage and figure out how to make mine work. Big Hat's coming back, too. I saw them at Glam Slam with Nique. That's when we decided maybe she should sing with my band. But I've decided only temporarily until I find someone to play guitar and sing.Maybe the thing to do is see how things go and maybe replace them one by one. That sounds so vicious. Am i jumping the gun? Too early for decisions but then WHEN? WHY MUST EVERYTHING REMAIN HIDDEN???

I TAKE ANYTHING NEGATIVE I WRITE OUT OF THE LAW> FOR THE GOOD OF ALL ACCORDING TO FREE WILL. AND SO IT IS.

9.6.91 9:04am

Anything negative that I write in this journal, I take it out of the law. Anything negative will not manifest in any way or any form at any time, no matter what I am feeling at the time. Anything negative written in this journal will remain only on the page for me to learn something from, only from reading it back. For the good of all, according to free will. Amen.

Dec. 9th 1:30am ( so it's really the tenth )

I am having extreme anxiety again. Maybe for a month. I can't eat sleep breathe make my mind stop. I have dreams of journeys across treacherous paths that I don't knwo where i am going. Rivers, water, seaweed. Being in Europe and trying to find a place to stay. Having no money, lost vulnerable, missing my plane. I have a headache. I can't breathe. I don't know what to do about my band. I'm so afraid to confront Renee about her sloppy drumming. I'm afriad she would quit but then maybe that would be for the good. Brian seems distant and not so friendly, too many irons in the fire. We practiced with Nique tonight and that went well. Things are weighing me down. Something must be done or I'm going to maybe get ill ( I take that out of the law ). I think I know what I want, but why is it so hard then? I go over everything in my mind a thousand times. It's doing no good, I think.

Dec. 14th, 11:40pm

I did my tarot. Question: Is it time for Renee to leave the band?

1) the lovers
2) 6 of cups
3) 6 of wands
4) the hermit
5)5 of swords
6) the sun
7) the high priestess
8) queen of swords
9) 8 of swords
10) ace of wands

( I think 8 and 9 should be switched )

Dec. 15th, 12:28 ( Dec. 16th )

Soon it will be 1991---the same backwards as forwards. The # for the month was 59/8, The Knight of swords which means "something will come catapulting into or out of your life". My "period" number is 9, "the cycle of endings, discerning between the waste and the useful" ( this is taken from the book "numerology and the divine triangle ). So many things have ocurred already. My friend Sheila's store, Lunatic, will be moving in where Sunsight used to be ( a good example of bad karma, since Sunsight went down in the pinnacle of New Age ). I am to be their window designer, etc. Maybe a part time position will open for me in a few months there. Maybe that will be a good break for me to reflect on Ragstock.
I called Howie ( a guy i met who was the road manager of Robyn Hitchcock and the Eqyptians that i ended up havng a long distance relationship with for almost a year...he being in London ), and got a hold of him finally. He's been on tour with 4 bands, etc. His girlfriend was having trouble with his absence. He's 34 now, quite different from when I met him when he was 29 ( and i was 19 ).Now He is cynical, bitter, mistrusting, his playfulness gone, SELFISH, CRITICAL, insecure, sexist. He thinks the spirituality he was so enthused about is just a crock like all other religions. Too bad he's got a rainbow and an "Ohm" tattooed on his arm. He says, "when will I ever learn?" The same question he said over and over when I met him. I tried to cheer him up and tell him he'd shown me so many cool things. I tried to get him to put down his wall a bit, but all he said was "nice chat". $50 it cost me, the telephone call. It's time to let go of him.
Right after that I called Ed, I had to ask him who's playing the bill on the 19ht since he and I are both playing with 8 other bands for a Xmas Local Music Showcase. I tried to talk to him about Howie explaining I should maybe just let go of him, Ed was being the same as Howie, though, and I realized even more how these people are a waste of my time becaus they will not exchange anything with me or be real.
I need to let go of the past--HOwie, Ed, School, work, people who have been mean to me, embarrassing events.
My curtains in my room have become quite symbol to me of my feeling of stagnation, not going anywhere, helplessness, loss of control. The curtains are from the 40's and depict 2 storks standing on a small red towig, with a whirlpool running circles around them, their wings are outstretched to fly yet they do not fly. Have they anywhere to fly to?
BUt I really feel that I am gettying somewhere as I realize after my phone conversations with Howie and Ed and also last night especially after doing my tarot about Renee. This is going to be a tough one, but I feel a sense of liberation already. It is time for Renee to leave the band , maybe that was the cause for the band to stagnate. I need a better/different drummer. I've been feeling guilt about what I have done wrong to keep my record contract away for so long. My fear of success and my unwillingness or blindness in seeing that Renee must leave. I feel so refreshed already, but I know this is just the start. I see a vision/symbol if myself covered in sheilds of armour from the past, I shed this armour and then I can fly. As much as my skeleton needs to put on flesh, I must shed my outer skeleton, my old shell, to shine through to be lighter.
I pray for the angels to help me. It seems they never come and I cry but maybe they are here now. Maybe they have finally heard me and are giving me strength, also, to carry this through.
I have gone back on antidepressants. Today is day 2 of 1/4 of my old prescription , Sinequan.
I read my numerology to try to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I know it is to help people to set their world in order. If my band doesn't work out maybe I will become a psychologist. I"ve been thinking about how to help people through my music. I'll be thinking about that more. Make space for other things. "things" do not make your life better. And I said this to Cris the other day, which I thought was good---writer's when they write down in their journals get to lament about how all their good work doesn't see the light of day ( Cris is a writer who laments this, i'm not talking about myself ), but musicians get to lament about how their every mistake as they discover themselves gets to be made in public ( when playing live ), there is no filtering process. Everyone is in his own life for his own reasons. None is better or worse than the other. It is all how you perceive it ( think it-make it-create it)
g'night.

12.18.90 12:00am

To Cris,
There is a difference between 1) me posing for pictures for the purposes of my band, such as flyers, etc. And for my own personal use, using a reliable platonic photographer I thought you would feel ok about AND 2) you having nude female models over that I don't know. If you want some photos of yourself, I would be not offended if someone took them, as long as it was someone I felt comfortable about. I need lots of pictures of myself for the band and it gives me ideas of how I like to look and how I don't for future photos, since visualization is an important aspect of my career. As far as you having female models, I don't see why I am not an adequate one, but I'm sure I'd feel ok if you had people like Peg or Lynn, if you want women. And you are the only one I would want to take nude photos of me. I did nothing nude with Brian. And I would love to take pictures of you if you would show me how the camera works.

12.18.90 12:23am

questions for the I ching

What should I do about Cris?
What should I do about Renee?
Should I keep Renee in my band?
What do I need to know right now? Please give me some advive for my life right now!
Should I let Renee go from my band in January?
For the benefit of the band, should I try to work this out with Renee?

(the hardest part is asking the right question)