it makes me sad that i wrecked this ( a drawing cris made of me as a faerie---i stabbed it and ripped it in a fit of pain). i feel it was the only proof that existed that, Cris, at one time, did miss me. He drew this while i was away at my dad's for a few days. I really liked it. I tacked it up next to the drawing of Nikki and it seemed so pathetic and a lie that Criscould ever feel anything for me then turn around and do what he did. I stabbed it because I felt that's what he did to me, to my memories. Nothing is sacred. But I am like a faerie, I shall be untouchable and fly away into my world and heal myself. He draws me as a faerie and Nikki as a woman in bondage. What does it mean? Probably nothing. Cracker Jacks have been making me happy lately. There's an elephant paperclip and some stickers i got. ( i stuck the ripped drawing into my journal with a paperclip and i pasted together the rips in the drawing with stickers of an endangered species from the cracker jack box) I heal myself with them. With Humour. I am an endangered species, too.

5-22-90 (noon or so)
( u can see from these journals i have always been obessed with documenting my life!)

I went over to feed Spot( cris' cat..but i felt he was mine, too) this morning after a dumb lecture on shoplifting at work. I didn't want to go over there. I felt very nauseated. I brought with me a charcoal block and some frankincense, myrhh, basil, bay, cloves, and rosemary to burn and get rid of the negative energy and the "people's old home" feeling i get. I made his bed and organized his things and swept the floor. I don't know if this will make him mad, but I hope not. ( 042900 did it metion in this journal that he has his lizard that spot killed in an aquarium sealed with duct tape that spot killed. rotting away. so he cam watch with fascination the rotting of his lizard?) I just meant it as-I know how yucky it is to come home to a messy house after vacation. I'm trying to combat my anger towards him by doing nice things for him instead. I don't know why, but somehow I feel better. I took all those things I wanted to xerox and xeroxed them off ( the drawing he made). The things that cause and caused me pain. I feel I am purging myself of him, getting it all down on paper---documenting it so that I don't have to think about it anymore. Jerry from the 27 Various ( ed, my first boyfriend's band) was working at Kinko's so I got it all done for free. I thank the Universe for being kind to me right now. Jerry made a new journal for me of grey, pink, and light green paper. The cover and back are transparent plastic. I didn't lie it at first, but now I do because the cover of this book is black and indeed it IS a very black book. The new one is transparent and airy and pastel---a new beginning--seeing through darkness. I'll have to buy a new pen for it, too. I love new blank books. Cris just bought a new sketchbook, too. New beginnings for both of us. I'm just a bit more behind and feel more forced into it. I wonder how he will feel toward me when he gets back from New Orleans. I wonder what he is doing and thinking and feeling. I wonder if he is wondering the same. I wonder how I will feel towards him? I'm supposed to see Vaughnm again today and show him my album. I'm nervous about it. I have to tell him I only want to be friends right now. I'm still in love with Cris.

6:07pm
It was a really sunny day. But at 5:00 I went to take a bath ( which for the first time I felt happt to take a bath there!) and whe i cam eout it was dark. Now it is very grey and it is raining--not hard--and thundering with very slight lightning. I worked on my room today and put more thngs on the walls and arranged some things. I ironed out a new white shirt I got and it smelles so nice from ironing--lik ethat smell of just out of the dryer. I came out of the tub and put that on and painted my toes and fingernails white and silver. I feel very fresh and clean and well dressed.Vaughn hasn't called me so far, but I want to watch "16 candles" on TV at 7:00, so i'm going to read some Anais Nin 'til then. My room looks so perfect and beautiful. I finally put my stuffed animals out and it's so friendly in here now. I feel more confident about getting over Cris. Jerry at Kinko's remarked again at how great we were on stage ( The Blue Up?) and what a wonderful songwriter I am and that we weren't at all boring to watch. I'm starting to enjoy myself without Cris, but I still think of him a lot--sometimes with less pain--but once in awhile a really bad memory or doubt or imagined circumstance will shoot through my body causing it to feel almost like being shocked. But right now I feel very cozy and happy, but I do wish Cris were here to see my nice room and how nice I look. But I'll survive. Rainy days especially thunder makes me want to snuggle and make love.

5-23-90 10:08am

I have been awake a little over an hour. That is the drag of being depressed and going to bed early to make the day be over with is that you wake up early. I have to work today 5-9pm. The Twin Peak's finale is tonight at 9:00. Before I go to work I have to go feed Spot and return CRis' photos and drawing of Nikki. I am really nervous about whether I did a horrible thing by finishing the drawing or not. I miss him so much this morning everything seeems to be a nightare again. I hope it will get better as the day progressses, it usually does. After work I am going to go over to Vaughn's and watch the end of Twin Peaks. I am nervous about that. I'm just trying to forget about Cris. I don't even know what I am holding onto CRis for. It's just the way he looks and smells. A certain feeling that would not even happen all that often. That feeling of safety, of being wrapped in love, overcome by it so you feel it is a fortress around you and nothing can hurt you and you can accomplish anything because you have someone at your side. I miss the apartment and putzing around in it---feeling so safe and familiar---staying up late and waiting for Cris to come home from work just in time to eat beans and rice he would make and snuggle and fall asleep to david letterman. I enjoyed so much being alone in the apartment, knowing that I wasn't really alone for GOOD. For Good? What does that mean? Sounds like a contradiction. I've finally decided to get up after reading some more quotes from Curmudgeon's Garden Of LOve---a very sarcastic book on love that depressed me all the more about love, especially the CHapter on infidelity. It can't be true. There must be True Love somewhere. How can I possib;y live in a world knwing it is false? How can i come to terms with that? That nothing is forever? That your lover will always betray you at some point. The hellish game of the Seeker and the Saught. The battle of the sexes.
Trying to understand men.
Can I come to terms and peace with it? I'm sure I probably will never understand, but just to let go and say "whatever"---would that be peace? It seems so depressing. It lacks passion. How can I get passionate towards someone if I know that love is just a lie, a mask to hide the raw truth? Is it just a blind instinctual lunge towards trying to be one with something that ultimately you can never? How can I live in such a horrid world? And any man I meet who is love with me---is he not lying to himself? How can I live in a world that I have to force myself to rid of such a beautiful thing I have inside myself? To looks at Ed and feel nothing. Is that victory? That i have obliterated something so unique and beautiful and passionate---that it was really LOVE. Why would Ed and Cris not want it and push it away when it is so rare in this world? REAL LOVE! I know I have it but who wants it? Who deserves it? Who will treat it with homour and hug it and love it, too? Am I utterly alone? is love only something that only glitters here nad there--in a look--in a smile---in a song---in a feeling---just for a second you KNOW it's there and then it's gone--somewhere else or just hiding? The rainbow always goes away, the sun always goes away, the song always ends. You try to hold onto it and remember it, that feeling you had and that makes you want to live, to fel it again. You stay with someone searching for those little moments. But , for me, it seems it never ends. I am filled with a longing to share it and people only want to grab it a bit and run. NO one ever wants it all. Is there something wrong with me? Am i somehow lying to myself? What is sex without love? It is a song with no soul, mediocre and top40, for the masses, anyone can have it. To have a rainbow you have to have the rain and the sun. Sex without love is just a passion, to lunge at the flesh, flesh that really DOES have a soul, but you ignore that. It's like trying to find out what life is by dissecting something dead----I'm hearing it----Truth----in music right now "Lips like Sugar" by Echo and the Bunnymen, "Ball and Chain" by XTC---it's almost like the radio is just for me---it's poring over the airwaves trying to save---to show me it's there---somewhere.
But artists that put their act before Love-Life-Truth----it's the stupidest thing ever. Art cannot exist without it. They are more in love with the mirror than the image.
To love is really to let go of yourself---to lose yourself---you do not lose yourself---you gain everything--you are everything--you are one--you are so big! Why contain yourself so small and selfish--grabbing a bit of light thhen running with it back to the dark--it does not shine there. I think that is a big key there to the world's problem with love---selfishness and fear of losing oneself. Get past those walls and you'll see a garden. Don't be afraid, let go.
But if love is so inexhaustable, then why I am I afarid that if my lover shares it with others, there will be less for me? It is not that I am afraid that he loves others. It is the hatred of his LUST for others. SEx is a gift to be shared only between lovers. It makes me feel unspecial that there is nothing he WANTS to share only with me. It is like putting the love of the rush of the fear/excitement of new flesh before the wanting to know me better. I know that is poorly said. It is something more---or worded differently. Maybe it is like taking a break from intensity, like if you've listened to too much beethoven you want to listen to top40 for awhile to let your mind go numb for a bit? Youb want to not share anything with someone so that you appreciaite again sharing?
That somehow seems stupid.
The wise man shouldn't have to be constantly reminded of mediocrity to appreciate it.
I remember one night stands, you always feel stupid the next day---like--oh ya,duh, that wasn't what i was looking for.
Do respect and homour have any place or credibility in the world of passion? Should you ever place them first? Maybe it depends upon the situation.
Writing this down is strange. It's like having a concrete conversation with onesself. Maybe you could use the earth as an analogy. You must respect and honour the earth and what she gives you before you give in to your passion to selfishly take all for yourself and give nothing back.
There seems to be an analogy there, but said somehow different.
Iggy Pop's song called "Lust for Life" was just on, how funny. I just somehow think that it's a good saying at the end of Wizrd of Oz when Dorothy says, "everything you need is in your own backyard", or something like that. It's almost like a zen excerice or something---being faithful to someone. Love is something to be meditated upon and cultivated. BY running from garden to garden, nothing will get thoroughly watered. Why do I feel such a wall within myself---such a resistance to the thought of my lover being unfaithful? is it because i need to overcome it and let them be unfaithful or have I been just fed a fairytale of "romantic" love---or is it because I intuitively know it is not "wring" but somehow self-defeating----defeating the "purpose"---scattering of energy. And is this just something I need to learn or all of is? I want smeone to focus in upon--not lose sight of everything else, but to see everything in them. It's like to change anything you must first change yourself. Do you only need to love yourself? Am I seeking love not in my own backyard? No, that is silly.
of course it is right for people to desperately need the love of others---or why would we all be here? This is all getting bloody confusing now and I've written now for an an hour and a half. Have I come to any peace? I think I must figure out what Christ meant by "Love thy neighbour as thyself" and "Do unto others as you would have done unto you". I mean, if you have a lover but your "neighbour" wants to have sex and you would like the to "do it unto you" too, does that make it right? Because , obviously, you would not want your lover to be unfaithful to them, so you are torn between people's wants. But if all people want their lovers to be faithful to them and they want their "freedom" to do whatever they "want" you have a contradiction. I guess the key is "what they want". They have to want to be faithful to their lovers and in that way they do not see it as a freedom they are losing, because they want it, and doing what you want is being free. Maybe somehow that is where the big problem lies is that society has made it seem that to be "faithful" you must somehow lose a "freedom"/ I should make a questionaire and hand it out to people and do a survey. But how do I know they are being truthful with me or themselves? Maybe it is worth a try.
Questions:
1) When or if you have a lover do you wish for him/her to be faithful to you?
2)what does "faithfuk" mean to you?
3)Where have you learned this meaning?
4)When or if you have a lover, are you faithful to them?
5) if you are faithful, is this because you WANT to be or do you feel forced by guilt or something else?
6) Do you feel you are giving up "freedom" to be "faithful"?
8)if you are not, does this make you feel guilty and why or why not?
9)What is there to gain by being faithful?
10)What is there to gain by being unfaithful?
11) What is your definition of love?
12)If you are "unfaithful" why do you feel compelled to be so?
13) Why do you want to/not want to be faithful to your lover?
14)Do you believe it is possible to be faithful?
15)If you believe it is not possible, but you wish your lover to be true to you, why do you wish it? Do you believe there is a solution?