diary book page 7

3/28/90 10:41pm Tuesday
I'm moving in with Kim Antle and Lorna Doone. All my things are in the bedroom and Cris has made his house out of the rest. He's aslep with his kids now. I had Monday, Tuesday, WEdnesday, Thurday off and Aja( cris' daughter) was over Monday, and all three kids on Tuesday. Harris on Wednesday and I move on Thursday. So much for four days off. Since all my things are packed and cramped in here, in this little bedroom, there's not much I can do. I've just been washing dishes and doing laundry and fixing odds and ends to keep my mind mundane. I feel surprisingly brave and nonchalant about this whole thing. It's like "oh well". But once in awhile I get a tinge..like now. I just don't want to end up being another one of his tormented poems.. He wants me to be out of reach so he can put me on a pedestal and write tortured poetry about my eyes or something, like he did with Lisanne. Fuck that Shit. He thinks everything's going to be ok now. He's not losing anything, just gaining space since we're still going to go out. But I don't trust him anymore. I don't know what he's going to do while I'm away. What exotic muse next? How do i know what's going on in his head? I don't. I never will I suppose. He's so secretive about everything. I can't see his poetry or his paintings. Makes me paranoid like they are about other women or something. Is he going to repeat his past mistakes or really work them out this time? Will I stick it out or say Fuck it? It's his loss, I feel. What a dumb fuck chasing after shadows, muses, ghosts, oh how tantalizing! Is that being alive? Never to touch the living thing...only a breath apart. How stupid. I hope this all works out, for me at least. And where the hell is my record contract? At least I have a ( hopefully) cool place to stay. I still have my job, my band, and I'm not falling to pieces. I hope it's nice tomorrow like it was tosay ( 55 degrees). I didn't go out today "cause I was so frantic ironing, etc. Cris and I hardly said a word. I didn't pay any attention to him and I mostly didn't feel like it but once in awhile I'd get a feeling of "fuck you! pay some attention to me". And he did once in awhile. But I'm leaving it all up to him. No more of this groveling shit ( I hope). I feel hostile. I feel like "you jerk, open up your fucking eyes and see what you're throwing away. Can't he see he's losing me or doesn't he even care? The second I'm gone I'm sure he'll be writing his tormented poetry. Living his "romantic" lifestyle of The Cure, Bauhaus, liquor, cigarettes, coffee, linliness, vampires, looking out the window and saying" oh, what's wring with me? I'm so misunderstood." Wishing he could change into a raven and fly away from it all. But it will only haunt him till the end of time until he finds out it's all right there for him to eat, feel, touch, communicate, kiss, love, see. I hope it will still be me. I don't want to be another picturem, another poem, another ghost. Let me be real! Let me come alive and kiss you with warm and real lips. Let me next to you. Let us touch and start the real adventure!

4/28/90 8:26am
I can't sleep. I broke up with Cris yesterday at 10am. The night before we had a pretty good time together, getting my food stampos for the last time and then shopping at Rainbow for food. Then we came back to my house and discusssed nikki and what sort of relationship he had with her. I said that the thing that still makes me the most angry is that he brought that drawing of her back with him to our house. She had started the drawing and she wanted him to finish it. And that knowing it hurt me so badly and that is was just bloody awful timing, he still refused to not get the drawing out our house because he is so stubborn. I cannot and no one can tell him what to draw. Then he drove me to work with my Tv so I could watch Twin Peaks at work. I felt we left on a sour note even though he said it was OK. It kept gnawing at me and I felt so insecure that I called him two times from my work to talk. Then I called him at five minutes to 8 and it just rang and rang. Then I called him one minute later and the answering machine was on. I said please call me later when I get off work because I'm so depressed I need to talk to you. Then I called him about 1/2 an hour later and just left a cute message. Then I went home and it was raining. I called him at 9:30 and said I was sorry I was calling so much but I never do this sort of thing and I was so depressed and would he please call me no matter how late he got home. Then I called again at 11:30 and left a message that I had decided not to go back to work to Partytime and dance ( I was considering working a few days a week for some extra cash) because it just wasn't worth it and I should try to get money from my art and would he take some pictures of my drawings for me for a brochure? Then I went to bed, but i woke up at 12:30am and called again, this time the answering machine ws not on...it just rang and rang. So I went back to bed and woke up at 1:30am and called again and again it just rang and rang. So I knew something was up because he was home but he wasn't calling me. So I went back to sleep really pissed off. Got up at 8am to go to work and was still extremely pissed off. I wanted to call him but I decided to wait until 11am. Got to work and then found out that i need my secret code to use my calling card at work so that I could call Nick Ralph (and find out what's up with my record contract) and charge it to Cris' phone, which is still under my name, too. And to get my secret code I needed to call from Cris' phone. So I called CRis and the answering machine was on and I explained quite coldly how I needed him to call this number to get this code. THis was at 9:15. At 9:25 he called me back all sleepy and asked what I wanted. I hostily explained my situation then asked why he didn't call me last night. He'd been "out" he said and didn't see the answering machine light blinking because it was covered up with papers and he didn't listen to it until very late and he didn't kow he could call that late, even though in my messages I said he could call me as late as he wanted. I said "where did you go?". He said "to a movie". I said "with who?". he said "with nikki". I said "Fuck you" and hung up on him. Then immediately he called me back and I don't remember what we said but I said "you goddamn bastard" then he hung up. I called back and it just rang and rang. It was 9:30am and we weren't open yet( at ragstock) til 10am. So i left Nique at work a note saying I'd be back at 10 ( she came into work then) and I stormed over to Cris' in such a hysterical rage that I thought I might pass out on the way there. I opened his door to the apartment and the chain was on so I screamed "You bloody bastard open the door! I say the reason you didn't call me last night was because Nikki must've been over till 4 or 5am. HOw late was she over? " and he said "She's still here."
I broke down in the hallway to my knees pushing at the door, my hand reaching inside the apartment sobbing "oh my god oh my god oh my god . Did you sleep in the same bed?" he said "yes". I said "You goddamn bastard oh my god DID YOU HAVE SEX?" he said "no no no" I just kept sobbing "let me in let me in let me in you've got to let me in if this is going to get settled and I've got to call for the secret cide" So he let me in. Nikki was sitting IN the bed looking extremely nervous. I said to her I was sorry she had to see me this way and I didn't blame her or hate her ( even though I wanted to kill her) and that she probably didn't realize that this was going on with Cris and I and that I had told CRis if he had a woman overnight I would break up with him and wouldn't you feel a little distrustful if your boyfriend was sleeping with other women?" She said "yes".And CRis said it was good that I said that...oh like THANKS for your approval FUCKhead. So I tried to make my phone call but couldn't. Cris came in the bedroom where the phone was and I told him "You've got to ask nikki to leave. I've got to talk to you."
He said "why? can't we talk here?" he WANTED HER TO STILL STAY! i said "If you've got even an ounce left of respect for me you will ask her to leave so we can discuss this" so he said ok. He went into the livingroom and god knows what he said to her so she left. Then I made my phone call then went into the livingroom and said "you realize I said I would break up with you if you had another woman overnight" he said he was "going to tell me and was hoping we could work it out". I said "sure you would. And I still would've broken up with you" i said "would you have told me that you two slept in the same bed?" He said probably not. I said "You bet you wouldn't I just can't believe you would throw all of this away just for this. This is the stupidest thing I hope you had a goddamn good conversation with her because it cost you your girlfriend". He just lay there on the bed expressionaless, staring at the ceiling. He said he had to have the choice of having people overnight and that I shouldn't set that limit on him. I said "you shouldn't have promised you wouldn't then" he said he didn't want to have a relationship with anyone or have sex with anyone. So I said "but if the moment should arise, you'd like the freedom to do so?" he said "yes". I got up and pet Spot and said "bye" and I walked out the door. At cris' I had taken two xanax and they didn't even have any effect on me. I got to work at 10:15am and told Nique. I was kicking everything. I called Wendy to see if she could come to work early so I could leave at three and she said yes. I worked like a maniac. I was so furious. There are no words. NIque left to go to the bank and I called CRis saying "I am not Sue because I was hysterical ( He had called me that in the hall). I said "ANY woman would be hysterical at that. And the line he gave me about how I didn't give him the "freedom to tell me" to guilt me out for finding him in bed with another woman ( 17 year old girl) is utter bullshit and I want ALL my dishes packed nicely with newspaper by the 30th because I'm coming over on the 30th to get all my stuff and I want to make it as quick as possible".
He said "ok" then I hung up. I walked home from work at 2:45 in some drizzle, went to my room and bawled. I called up Cris but his answering machine was on. I caled two more times sobbing and left the sobbing message of "why?" on his answering machine which I probably shouldn't have done. Then I lay in bed in a haze then got up and tried to eat some hard boiled eggs because I hadn't eaten yet. AT 7:00 I went to practice and played very vigorously.

I came home and felt in a pretty good mood about my band and I was hyper and exhausted. My mom called at 10:20 to see if I was OK. I had called her from work previously with my calling card. I called Nick from work, too but just left a message on his machine to call me at work and miraculously he called me back at work. He explained that my album would probably be out in August now and we would only tour if I got some press, maybe in the winter. I said "I realize I'm in no position to pressure you but we have to know what's going on because Carolyn wants to get married this Fall and has to plan it". He said that I've been extremely patient and that he's sorry. I said "So if I don't get the contract in May, please call me" He said "ok" Now it is 9:19pm and I'm furious but I'm glad to have the pressures of the band thing off right now except for that we've got some shows coming up which I'm actually feeling sort of excited about because it feels "real" now. May 19th, a Saturday at the 7th St Entry we play with Roger Miller and the 27 Various. We are playing under the pseudonym of Eye Sea. July 24th we are playing under the pseudonym "Roundness" and august 14th under the pseudonym "Feast". Willy Wisely who books it said to call him every week to see if there are any cancellations he could slot us into. So I hope we get a lot of shows and I get over stage fright and we get really good. I'm going to totally soak myself into the band and write some songs on my 4 track hopefully next month because I'm moving into my bigger room upstairs May 1st, thank god. But I've got to air the place out and get carpet cleaner and I'm going to paint my walls a different colour and have my own SPACE! Living here has been somewhat of a drag so far but I'm getting used to it. My room is cool with this great art deco chandelier and curtains from the 40's covering each wall because it is really a tiny sun room. I only have one elecric outlet and I have blown three fuses since i moved here. But I'm getting more comfortable all the time. Lorna and JIm are very nice. But chris, the guy getting kicked out, is a severe alcoholic and smelly, so that's why I have to fumigate his room before I move into it. On my birthday Cris and I went to the New Zoo and saw the movie Camille Claudel. We had a wonderful romantic time until after the movie I got sort of depressed because I didn't want to end up like her.. Cris then had a headache and we went back to his house and fell asleep. We woke up in a good mood. We were having so much fun that day. Easter was hell because we almost broke up that day because I found out that Cris didn't know whether or not he wanted to change or not and hadn't made any appointments to see a psychologist because he thought he could figure it out himself. I said I didn't know whether or not I could wait for his reply..i might be waiting forever then and so I should probably break up with him. I almost did. Then he had to go to work and I said we may as well have Easter dinner together because I'm going to be miserable without you and miserable with you, so I may as well with you, if that made any sense. He thought he would get off early at 8pm but didn't get off until midnight, which took all day,then i had a MIGRAINE so I took tylenol every three hours and lots of xanax so by the time we got to his house I was well blitzed and we had ham sandwhiches and then fell straight to sleep. Oh ya, and what started the argument which I was I was writing about back there then scribbled it out because I thought it came later but it came 1sst. It was that when Cris came to get me and we went to Rainbow at midnight to get food, who should we run into but Nikki! It was almost as if it were a sign saying "you are covering this up and pretending that everything's ok. Don't forget!" And he almost forgot to introduce me to her again. I was well pissed. So the next morning I got up and argued about it. And that's why we almost broke up. I also was DREADING that movie Camilli Claudel to come. I thought it would throw Cris into a tormented artist mood but when we saw it together I was depressed but he seemed fine so I thought , well, thank god I was wring. But the movie Cris went to see was Camille Claudel the night she stayed over. It wasn't the movie, obviously, that broke us up, but I was intensely afraid of that movie to come because I knew somehow it meant great doom to me.
I may as well stop writing for now as I'm going to get up now and get ready to see this movie at the Uptown at 11am called "The Goddess Remembered" Then I have to go to work 1:00 to 9pm. It's now 9:44am and I feel like I'm living in a nightmare.