diarybook, page 4

(i wrote this on 03.23.99)

here is some more of my jounals from 1989, 90. as I type through this shit. I really can't believe what an ignorant, stubborn wimp I was to actually say the things I said in here. I am still digesting it. I still think I can be as insecure as I feel in these writings. but, I've come a long way, but I think I still have just a little further to go. man, what low self-asteem or stubborness or something I had there. it's just gross to read. this is definitely good to read if you want to learn what NOT to be and what NOT to do. talk about classic codependent abused " my love can change him if only he could see it" crap. the signs were more than obvious that this guy was a complete psycho. he and his x wife even told me that he was indeed psycho and that I should run away. but did I listen, no! I thought that perhaps it was his x-wife who had conditoned him in believing he was not worthy of love, and therefore trampled on me because of his unfortunate situations. like having 4 children by the age of 20. can u say "wear a fucking condom u complete and utter selfish idiot?" or why did she not get on the pill? whatever. we all can be extremely stupid. beyond stupid. where did I get this " I can change him withmy love" shit? I thought about this for many many years and couldn't think of a reason, until just about a year ago it dawned on me that my brother was a VERY VERY abusive person and my whole family made me "take it" and they took it too, because he's family and you're supposed to love family no matter what. and being that we were all loving christians taught to "turn the other cheek" and "do unto others as you would have done unto you" and so on and so forth..i took this to mean that once you love somebody you should let them beat you up and never never leave 'cause if you did, then you were just a quitter and couldn't take the challenge of truly loving someone no matter what. unconditional love, all that crap. reading the letters I wrote to him just makes me cringe. did I REALLY write those? also, I had been so utterly torn up from my previous and first relationship of four years with my highschool sweetheart, ed…that I couldn't bear to think of another break up like that. I'm still getting over the pain of that. it was utterly devastating. I'll tell you that story some other time.

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11/30/89 3:28am
The last day of the last November of the 80's. I am nervous as hell and can't get to sleep. My band is making me nervous with too much t do. I can't seem to get things in perspective or take one day at a time. I always get nervous when I have too many things planned. Like I have to get up in 5 1/2 hours and work 9 to 5, then back again at 9pm for 5 more hours of inventory. Then back to work at 10am till 4 then directlt to Jymn's to practice, then 9-5 again and see Carolyn and Renee to take their pictures in a photo booth for the cover, then work 11-5 then directly to Jymn's again to practice. I know that none of this is a big deal and they are my friends but I need a lot of time to myself. It makes me nervous..how ill I handle touring? Even if it is maybe it is a year away, it seems imminemt and looming. I don't want to wreck it since it is something i supposedly want to bad. I can't even write about this right now because it's making me nervous. I can't stop my mind from thinking of 12 trillion things at a time and I'm so tired but wired.

12/7/89
songs i love:
The Psychedelic Furs "love My Way"
The Fixx "Stand or Fall"
Adam and the Ants "Lady"
The Clash "Rock the Casbah"
Th Gun Club "Sexbeat"
Peter Godwin" Images in Heaven"
Peter Gabriel "Shock the Monkey"
Adam and the Ants "Stand and Deliver" and "Kick"
Polyphonc Size "Mother's Little Helper"
Scritti Politti "Asylums in Jerusalem"
Bill Nelson "Flaming Desire"
Suburban Lawns " Janitor"
XTC "Senses Working Overtime"
David Bowie "Ashes to AShes"
The Psychedelic Furs " President Gas" "sister Euraope"
Lene Lovich "New Toy"
ABC "Tears are Not Enough"
Gary Numan "Love Needs No Disguise"
Landscape "Einstein-a-Go-Go"
"japan "taking Islands in Africa"
Adrien Belieu " Big Electric Cat"
Kim Wilde "you Never Cared for Anyone"
Haircut 100 "Favourite Shirts"
Heaven 17 "let Me Go"
Bad Brains "Pay To Come"

12/12/89
Full monn tonight. I can feel it. My band practiced for the 2nd time tonight. It went amaziingly well but getting to Renee's house and back was not worth it. It's bitterly cold at 8 degrees. It's finally snowing a bit. I bought a Kate Bush 12" with two unreleased songs from "The Sensual World" and the sleeve folds out into a poster. She's so incredible. I don't know what the feeling is when I see or hear her. It's infatuation but like a big sister, twin, mother, goddess? It's 11:20pm and Cris should be home from work soon.. We were not getting along today. Maybe Kate Bush is my angel. I have a big poster of her album cover in my bedroom. She sort of watches over me. It sounds so corny and idol worshiping-like. But in my own arrogant way I feel closer to her that other people because I can maybe someday be as good as she is if I work at it. She is a woman and I am still a girl. She and Peter Gabriel are my guiding light and now the Cocteau Twins. Elizabeth Fazer as well, and alway Pink Floyd.