diarybook, page 3

4/1/89
Today i layered my hair again. I almost got it to a bob chin length..then said "nah". So i layered it bob like chin length and found some more blonde hair dye and got it a bit lighter. My hair is like reddish brown now. I'm not thrilled but it's ok. I saw my mom yesterday 'cause she and steve had some meetings in town. so she stayed at my house from noon until 10pm. It was nice visiting and Cris was with us, too. Yesterday, no, the day before I got this weird phone call. Actually it started out I was listening to the Pandoras ( I just decided not to make my A's like triangles and me E's like three horizontal lines) and I said to Cris "I wish i could join some stupid band like that, just to get fame out of my system so I wouldn't have to worry about my music making it big. Just then, well..10 to 15 minutes later I got a phone call from this guy in Rochester N.Y. who said he had a band that needed a lead singer and they were like The pandoras, Primitives, Early Blondie and they had "Big Time Producers: interested. They said they would fly me to N.Y. to see them so i said "Fine!" Weird, huh? So i might go around the 19th or 20th of April. Pretty weird. I mean, I'm cynical about things like that, but it was just so weird that they called right then. hmmm. we'll see.

questions for the I Ching:
1) Should I join the band that called me from NY?
2) Am i ready to join this band in NY?
3) What misfortune would joining Paul Kanack's band in Ny bring?
4) What good fortune would joining Paul Kanacks band in NY bring?
5) Should i move May 1st?
6)Should I stay in this house for a few more months?

4/7/89 11:38pm
Cris and i decided to move and within two days we found a place we wanted. It was only the third place we looked at and it's only 2 blocks away. It's gorgeous, old, elegant, perfect. I'm so happy to be moving out of here. But whenever I move I get kind of emotional. Looking through my things, once again tryng to get rid of things to start anew. This time i won't have a room of my own. Cris and mine together, it intrigues me and frightens me. I don't want to lose myself. I've been getting rid of clothes. Mostly all the bright ones, which makes me wonder. I always feel a little depressed getting rid of things. Old boots, I'm very attached to my go-go boots. I put Alice and CHarlotte ( my mannequins) in new clothes. I talked to Richy today and wondered again about collaborating with him. I feel somewhat lost. What to do about my band, should I be the lead singer and not play guitar, should I go solo, should i join this band in NY, Should I play with Richy, should i record by myself releasing weird stuff and never play live, was I meant to be famous, was i meant to be a hermit, who am i? the usual. I'm feeling intense and depressed. Maybe PMS. The moon in three days is waxing. What should i do for a job? Should I go to college? I started working at Ragstock again, temporarily. Picking. I work at the store tomorrow. Very weird. I need the money. Soon I will be 23. I'm feeling retro. I was listening to The names, Polyrock, Ultravox. I need to polish my go-go boots.

4/9/89
question for the I CHing
What should i do about Cris?

4/20/89
same question.

5/28/89
Where do i begin? I'm sitting here in my new apartment listening to the Bangles "everything" which i bought a long time ago. I listened to it once and hated it so I'm giving it a second chance. I like it a little bit more but their harmonies are so Abba/carpenters. I feel intense lately(what else is new?). Maybe that's why i'm writing. I feel i haven't wanted to write songs for the last few days, but I don't know what to say or what to do. Carolyn is rejoining my band. She's back from Colorado and THANK GOD! I haven't talked to Duchess much lately and thank god! Brian Pobuda is joining the band as the guitartist so i don't have to play guitar anymore live and thank god!
I love my new apartment. It's so much more stable, clean, and peaceful. Spot misses going outside and has horrible feline acne which is a massive drag to get rid of. Cris and I have not been getting along, then being fine off and on. I've almost broken up with him on several occasions. But I can't handle the thought. I reaelly love him and I'm trying to remain happy in Minneapolis. I still haven't sent my tapes off, but I'm almost ready now. I just need to type a few things up. I'm nervous and anxious about that. Part of me can't get excited about it. It's so far away...the thoughts of fame and my band. I'm trying to psyche myself up again. Get a positive attitude. It's been so long.
I feel nervous and impatient, yet listless and cynical, apathetic. I want to feel that feeling of "Ya! That's it! No other way!" I read this book "seth speaks" and have a bunch of other seth books , too. If I can't be creative then I'm going to read about other dimensions. I've got to expand my mind somehow. Something has got to get done. I hope so much that someone puts my album out and gives me the $3,000 back i put into it to record it. I gave a tape to Andy Partridge the other day. They were here on a radio tour. I hope he listens to it.

question for the I Ching
Please give me some advice I really need right now.

6/19/89
I haven't done much except work, come home, do odd jobs( laundry dishes, etc.). It finally got hot yesterday. Otherwise it was rainy and cold which was great. Cris and I have been getting along. I went to a bunch of garage sales with my old friend Sheila from Uptown Minneapolis store and I got a couch for $30. I've been FEELING more creative lately but I haven't done much about it. I think alot about things like changing jobs and what to do and who am i, etc. I don't have much to say, especially in lyrics. I wish i had a mission. Or else I'm just used to having one. I'm listening to Danielle Dax. I saw a three-piece all female band yesterday called Scrawl. They were average, but it made me want to play live. Babes and Toyland were hanging around them and i felt left out and "uncool" which made me depressed that no one knows who i am yet.
Oh God, Duchess just called now. What a mess. She wants to be in the band still so bad. BUt Renee and I have decided no way since she's so problem-ridden. I can't tell her she's out, so I'm going to say Renee doesn't want to be in the band anymore since she's pregnant and I don't want to look for another drummer. So therefore, here is no band for her to join. It's such a drag. It makes me feel really shitty.

7/3/89 12:23pm
It's damn hot out and i can hardly stand it, eat or sleep. I've been working and coming home and reading music magazines and watching TV.
BUt I feel a litle more enthusiastic about music. Brian has been figuring out the guitar parts off the cassette I gave him. It's so wonderful having someone so self-motivated and competent. Carolyn's in Germany and will back the 10th. Renee is 6 months pregnant.
I've been figuring out in my head what kind of musi I want to do and I think I'm getting closer.
A great thing happened JUne 30th. I was talking to people on the phone when all of a sudden the guy ( nick Ralph) from MIndnight Music called me from LOndon! I sent the tapes off on Monday and he called me on Friday and it was 3:30 in the morning over there! I thought it was a crank call at 1st because I didn't expect the tapes to arrive until a week later. He said he remem

He said he remembered me before from when Howie introduced me to him in London. He opened the package right away. He said he didn't really like the 1st single but that my tape was "brilliant!". well, of course I've come a long way since the single!
I was FLABBERGHASTED! ( what a word!) So I'm excited and it was such a coincidence that the Egyptians were playing at 1st Ave. the very next day so i could ask Robyn if it was a good label to be on. He said the distribution was good but that Nick Ralph was so at getting around to things, which is OK by me since I've waited so long for this anyway.
The show was a great one with Robyn doing great things with a telephone box on stage. But it was all extremely hectic trying to talk to him afterwards with all the A&M groupies that are rude and frat-like hanging on. Howie was being a DICK. Being very tactless talking mostly about how he wanted to get laid by as many pre-pubescent gir;ls as possible. And i got the business cards of Woody Nuss, the sound guy, and Frank Riley, their agent. Biz Biz Biz.
I hope things work out for my band and my life. I feel somewhat excited now. A bit more optomistic.
But I've been so tired the last few months. No energy. I hope that goes away. The heat doesn't help.

7/13/89 3:16pm Thursday
I've been really sick since Tuesday. I had to work 9-5 doing a window display that has MIckey Mouse t-shirts and ugly folourescent clothes and smiley faces that aren't smiling or have bullet holes through their head as a sarcastic thing on "acidhouse" music and it says "Get Really Really Happy" . Bob, my manager, former roomate is putting in his two weeks notice and even though he wants me to be assistant manager , Mike Finn says i have to "prove" myself and take on assistant manager responsibility 1st, although he got mad at me for making up a schedule. Ragstock is fucked. Anyway, then i came home and Cris and his kids are over and they stayed overnight. I had a temperature of 102 and body aches and an incredibly sore throat. I just went into the bathroom and barfed. The next day, which was yesterday, Cris left for his Grandma's and i was supposed to, too but I was too sick with my temperature still being between 100-101. So I'm still alone now and feeling quite horrible and sorry for myself. I can't eat so i feel weak. I made a Dr's appointment for tomorrow. My back KILLS. I'm feeling really sorry for myself and all alone. I wish Cris would come home. He said he'd call me today to let me know when he's going to be home. But he hasn't. I feel guilty that I'm slightly pissed because I've been so sick and he hasn't been around. He's off in his own world lately, but we've been getting along fine. I just feel a little forgotten about, especially now that I'm really sick and I'm feeling guilty for being sick because I'm always feeling sick because of nervousness or being tired. But I'm quite strssed underneath about my whole life. I made an appointment to see DR. Simon again, August 3rd to talk to him about my nerves and stress and undealt anger with Ed and highschool. Which i think has a lot to do with being tired and sick all the time. I cried and cried like my heart would break or i would throw up or something when Cris' kids were over after they went to sleep because I felt so ignored. It was such a deep crying from inside my chest. I think I was also crying about many other things. Like my grandpa dying. God, i haven't even written about that! Death has been everywhere. Like Cris and I were tripeed in the cemetary a few weeks ago, I saw the most incredible things. Then we went back and he took pictures of it and started painting a cemetary. I looked and saw a freshly dug grave. It seemed so impersonal and businesslike with the big yellow machines that dug the hole, the fake green carpet around the hole and the company name stamped onto the box that goes around the coffin.
Then Grandpa died and there it was again. I didn't look at Grandpa's body and I didn't think I'd cry but I cried pretty hard when we sat in the front row and I saw the coffin for the 1st time which I was only a few feet away from it. Dad was singing extremely loud but he stopped to console me when he saw I was crying and Mom came and cried and Dad cried. I've never seen the two of them together crying. It made me cry. And Bjorn was the pallbearer. I rode up with Grace which was amazingly OK. I found out that she was for burning flags and abortion and didn't believe in the "virginal" birth of Christ. Sure surprised me. I cried two days later pretty hard, which also surprised me because I really wasn't that close to Grandpa. But I had a few dreams about him. Like when i was in Oregon I dreant he died. I woke up in the middle of the night. It upset me so much I wrote to Dad to see if everything was OK. Then i dreamt that he and I and Bjorn were talkuing about psychic powers then I dreamt i was there when he died. Grandpa and I were in a train car and to die you had to leave the car. He was scared, but he took it well because he's such a gentle man. Maybe I was really with him in my dreams and that's why I was so sad. He became very special to me the last few months before he died. I think he knew more than he even consciously knew.
God, my back hurts and I feel like shit. I wish Cris were here. If he's not in a good mood today I'm not going to be able to deal with it.
My thoughts are so comlicated and deep with emotion, I wish I could express myself. Maybe I should leave a diary on cassette. I can't write fast enough , so it bores me, so I don't say much. I make everything as brief as possible.
When I was tripping in the cemetary, which so much stuff happened I haven't the energy to say it all, but I will say one thing. I saw skeletons everywhere , which didn't frighten me but I felt sorry for them so I kept saying "come alive Come Alive Come Alive". then i realized I was saying "come alive" to myself. I could almost change the skeletons into forms and the skeletons in the sky became babies, but only for a second. It made me cry. I'm still in my identity crisis and I can't seem to "come alive" . Like I woke up with an XTC song in my head a month ago..just the part that said "poor skeleton steps out..step out step out step out". I have to get out of my closet and BE..whatever that is. I'm so confused. I don't know who I am. I don't even know what to wear. I realize I am many thing, but I have a hard time putting them all together to work in harmony. Maybe they never will and that's life. BUt I can't live like that. AT least I haven't come to terms or peace with it. Augh.
I wish I wasn't sick. I wish Cris would get here soon. I'm so irritated. I need a hug and some food. I'm so bored and stiff all over.

7/31/89 12:51am
ALL MY IDEAS:

1) leaf and flower mandelas
2)furniture
3)clothing
4)tumbled rocks and bone jewelry
5)re-assembled bones into other animals
6) 3D transparencies
7) A children's book of The Animal SEa
8) photos or drawing of decaying flowers, trees, insects, animals, fruit and combinations . and things burning. fish?
9) shadow boxes
10)animation
11)film
12) POP UP BOOKS ( of decaying things, of the animal sea and sgt. sorrow)
13) collage
collage xeroxed onto transparencies and put into shadow boxes
14) collage onto furniture
15) collage made into mandelas
photos of decay collaged into mandelas
16) painting clothes

8/18/89
Question for the I Ching
Is being a domanitrix bad karma?
Is it wise to have my album put out by Midnight Music?

9/2/89
I went to the state fair yesterday with my dad. It was very psycho and surrealistic. A woman on the back of a pick-up playing a mini-pipe organ, dressed like the mad hatter with a giant pickle following her and some great llamas.
I got some free plastic rosaries and a big black ball made of Obsidian and a great shiny holographic Jesus.

9/25/89
Come Alive
As i'm walking down the sidewalk
I fell so automatic
my surroundings look like TV
and the people are the static

i want to come alive

i can feel myself breathing
and i'm walking very quickly
but the traffics moving faster
and i wonder if it'll hit me

i want to come alive
i want to slow down
but i'm late for work again
gotta get me some coffee

10/17/89
errr, my pen doesn't work.
i'm still waiting for the contract from London. Got my 1st issue of Details today. Went to see Grandma in the nursing home today for the first time and she gave me her old wedding and engagement ring. SAw grandpa;s grave. Went with Dad. San francisco had a 6.6-6.9 earthquake. Cris and I have been getting along great since he's taking Prozac. I'm excited for the 90's. I went to the Dr. for my 2nd pap smear, since the 1st, a few months ago, was abnormal.
to keep my mind open

10/22/89
Things to do:
Go to the library to find a book on angels
Send tape of extra songs to nick
get fabric paint
paint James and Mark's couch
go to kinko to xerox eye
get pirate patch
tape harmonies for carolyn
finish gatefold sleeve
work on sgt. sorrow book.
finish recording demos
( i was cleopatra, tuesday, come alive, give me that key)
get photos from brian
read Seeing With The Mind's Eye
work on creative visualization
excercise
finish lamp
make flyer for artist for hire
sew
paint angel
make magickal clothes
amadeous jacket
dye hair
heart earrings
carve wooden charms and rings
photos for album cover
blue chair
paint bones

10/23/89 8:48pm
song title: bittersoursaltysweet
Renee's baby is due today. will it come out to this Earth? I bought Kate Bush's new album today. I didn't even know it was out! I bought the new sugarcubes, too but then my friend Tim said it was horrible, so now i might brng it back. nut it's SO tempting to open it now! I might. I don't know what to think of this Kate album. I mean, it's good,but so ADULT or something. oh wow..shit...good song here! let's see what it's called "never be mine"?

10/23/89
GIVE ME THAT KEY
i draw the line
reality is all there is for me
i know there's more
instinctively searching for openings
to all you can see
and all you can hear
all you can feel
and all you can be

give me that key
show me that key
i'll turn the key
and open the door
I close my eyes
and thousands of images rush to me
but i'm not afraid
i do not want them to swallow me
i want to see
i want to hear
i want to feel
i want to be
world open your door
i want it all right now give it to me
world open your door
i want to see it all so clearly

10/28/89
Things to spend money on:
headphones
microphone
strobe light
fog machine
lights
slide projectors
film
synth

11/1/89
song title: smiley kite
yesterday was halloween and I was very sick once again with a terrible headache so I slept until 5pm. When I awoke I felt a bit better , miraculously, so Cris and I went trick or treating around Lake of the Isles to all the rich houses. I was a pirate and he ws a vampire. Some people dug it but some people were scornful. WE got a lot of candy. Some guy dressed in white as a gangster invited us in for wine, which i wanted and was intrigued but Cris didn't trust him, so we didn't. Then we had duck with orange saucr, squash, cranberries, wine, pumpkin pie and peppermint tea. NUM. Today I have a terrible cold. I'm drinking wine and listening to Syd Barrett.

What I want:
Respect and credibility
Humility
Fulfillment
Peace of mind
Satisfaction
Security with myself
Financial security
Prosperity
A home
Enough art supplies
To live in harmony with the universe
Wisdom
Understanding
Happiness
Pefect love with Cris
Awareness
To be loved
To be understood
Fame
Balance between light and dark
CONTENTMENT
Patience
worthwhile undemeaning wellpaying job

TO GET RID OF:
worry about:
money, goals, paths to take, the future, not getting respect, credibility, nervousness
destructive: arrogance, vengeance
guilt about: wanting fame and money, feeling i'm better than most people
insecurity about: people thinking i'm nothing, average, stupid
feeling of hopelessness, helplessness, vulnerability, purposeless, lost, out of control
tension and bad vibes from outward surroundings
anger, hate

Nov. 5th 12:12am
I feel totall sick. I've had a cold nw for four days. I keep having a cold. I feel overly medicated. I've been very nervous lately. I feel overwhelmed. I haven't gotten my contract yet, but I called Nick today finally and he's still "working on it". Renee had her baby Oct. 24th. It was a boy named Kyle. Soon we'll be pracicing and that makes me nervous. I have too many little projects going on. Art things and sewing and i have to get rid of them and start concentrating on music more. My energy has been too scattered and I need it focused more. There's too many things I want and I feel overwhelmed by even what I own. I'm trying to ge rid of things. To outflow to people to make them happy. I've been complainging too muc lately and I need to stop and just write it down instead and say more positive things. I've been so nervous I just feel like shit. I have headaches all the time. This has been going on for about a little over a month.
My mind is constantly bombarded by meaningless worry and garbage and stupid songs from camp and church. My brain won't stop. I have too many things. I want nothing. I feel i'm making progress but it's very slow. There's so many hings i want to do in this world but I've got to get my priorities straight and just do it one at a time. I just want to get well so badly! Here I am taking another Tums and another Xanax! Thank God for that or I'd be way freaking! I've been lighting my pink candle. I ty to meditate on it but my mind races. I started excercising but then I got sick. I've got to CALM DOWN, DON'T TAKE LIFE SO SERIOUSLY, STOP COMPLAINING, GET THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE, GET MY PRIORITIES STRAIGHT, GET CENTERED AND FOCUSED, STOP WONDERING WHO I AM, etc. So many things, i could just list on and on. It's so overwhelming. I have a headache. Cris should be home soon. We've been getting along great ever since he's been taking Prozac. Also, he's dealing with me better. He;s just able to calm me down and not just say "CALM DOWN!". I haven't even eaten any of my Halloween candy yet 'cause I've been sick! I've really been digging the colour brown lately. I cleaned the house like a MANIAC when i came home from work today. Cris' kids were over today and the house was a pit. So i swept ans swept and straightened and straightened and gave myself a headache in the process. Simultaneously taping my album for Richy, who I finally saw today and tomorrow before I go to work, he's coming over to get it and also this stupid chair I've lost interest in working on. James quit Ragstock today by not showing up for work which was a total pisser. I want to dye my hair black and white again, I've decided that getting my hair all healthy would be boring. I want to look like a glam space alien.