7.21.1991 11:42pm
so much has happned, is happening, is going to happen.
last night i went to see big red ball, the mofos, and things that fall down. it was a fun time and i saw a lot of peope. and we got a show for august 7th in the mainroom "local band showcase".
today it was very hot and muggyas it has been for about a week, and it's draining all my energy and intensifying things.
well, mary's party out in stillwater with cris and keri. for about 30 minutes we got lost on ripped up highways. it was so hot. it was torture to go because it looked like so much fun with food and beer and a pool and potentially interesting people and some i knew but i especially wanted to see mary.
cris got to stay which made me paranoid and jealous.
i'm glad we have a friend in common, but the way he is so secretive about her makes me angry like he's ruining the last scared friend i had. now i can be jealous of them, too.
it's so hard to still love everythibf when the joy is taken out of it by bad memories of secretiveness and mistrust.
cris put a picture of a woman on the wall who is doe-eyed, big lipped, fuckable and mysterious ettc. and i hate it. i canm't even look at it or anything like it. i can't stand to look at that godammned purple hairbrush any longer in the bathroom, which belongs to arden. all i can think of is arden's hair in it. and he thinks i'm being stupid. he just doesn't understand until it happens to him.
i feel very bitter and sad and angry at my recent decision to not ask cris about his life anymore or tell him about mine. whenever ( most often a lot ) i tell him things it makes him edgey , nervous, angry, bored, resentful, jealous. it's never "the right time", a thing Ed used to say to me a lot.
i've reached the point where i feel pretty stupid telling something to someone who doesn't want to know. i mean, what a waste of my time!! forget it. i'll just find someone else to talk to. cris just doesn't get how serious this is. oblivious. he thinks i'm probably making a mountain over a molehill. or "i'll just get over it" or forget about it. i'll be so mad about something and 1/2 an hour later i'll still be mad because, of course, it's a BIG DEAL and just because cris is so great at shoving things inside, denying things , "forgetting" about them...he'll say "what's wring?" like a complete idiot!!!. what's wrong? DUH! like get a clue?! what the fuck do i say to you? what were we just talking about? he's like " why are you being distant? " well maybe because you don't wanna know about it! why should i tell you if you're gonna go "oh that! are you still thinking about that?" like "that" is so small. what am i some idiot who doesn't think or feel? what you said to me i'm gonna pretend you never said it? like it doesn't mean anything? well it does!!!
you wanna be so fucking secretive? so fine. you siad " don't bang your head against a brick wall and maybe it will speak to you" . so there you have it. but i'm not waiting around staring at it. i'll go find someone else who's interested in sharing ideas. if you'd rather keep yours to yourself just because you're so godamned insecure to tell to someone intelligent instead of some 17 year old wide eyed ditz who's gonna think you're god. father figure. guru bullshit. well, i want to be equal or even more. i don't hang around dumb people so i can feel superior. and i don't wanna compete. all this jealousy and insecurity. i'll wriet a fucking novel if i want to and maybe it'll be a piece of shit. who the fuck cares? i just wanna share and learn. i want to do FUN challenges. i wanna grow in a fun and stimulating way. not just emotional hardship all the time. but i'd even do that if i could just have some of the other. some comradery. i'm not begging anymore. i'm not gonna even ask. i'm tired. you got what you want. be careful in what you ask for because you might get it. you wanna be alone? well you are. and then you say " well, it can't be up to me"? well, why the fuck not? i was the one who asked you to go to dr. huey with me and you were still thinking " well, it's his job to figure out what to talk about". you say to me " i don't want to share anything with you because i'm afraid you might get interested in it and excel in it whatever you do , you just go for it!". like that's a bad trait? sorry, i'm not suppressing my talent, intelligence or anything anymore and if you can't take it and wanna hang around a bunch of people at a lower level than you to make yourself feel better, then whatever.
don't be such a fucking wimp and just go out there and do it. take a fucking chance in saying something that might be only 1/2 thought out. i'm not gonna blast it down. i just wanna know who you are, how you think, how you evolve. maybe i could add something. or maybe not. it would just be nice. know why? because since i love you the very most of all...i'm the most curious about you. why? because that's the way i am and i like it that way. so i hope you do change and be my best friend physically, emotionally, AND INTELLECTUALLY. but if you don't want to...so be it. i hope things will work out somehow in this very weird realtionship. i feel such pain, such a yearning. i am always reaching out, desperately wanting to know you. but now i'm tired and sad and bitter and i feel such pain and lonliness. i want you to be the one. i want you to be my best friend. please understand. come to me this time. reach out. touch me...my mmind...don't be afraid. let me in. please lover.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok, i must fantasize:
my horrible fantasy is " cris is really kidding himself and he guilted himself into thinkng he really wants to be monogamous. he really wants to briefly touch "exotic" women's lives and maybe sleep with them and then leave before his fantasy is shattered of them or BIGGER THAN THAT, BEFORE THEIR FANTASY IS SHATTERED OF HIM. let it be just a crush, a fantasy, and then run away fast. i feel at any moment he could just snap and rebel and it would be another " i need to be alone and create and be degenerate and drink only coffee and beer and have lots of cigarettes and stay up all night, long to be alone and depressed and no one really understands me, the romantic poet. i am cursed for life. i shal wander like a vampire through people's lives, drink enough of their blood to sustain me and exilerate and put fear and awe into them and then disappear into the night having touched them and i me. have lots of nude female models to share a stranger's sensuality with. never get too close because i am insecure that i might not meet up to their expectations of this air i put on of being so mysterious, magical, distant, sexual, exotic, all knowing of the secrets of the dark life. don't get too close to me or i might hurt you ( he says seductively and proudly ), it's the only power i know how to do well. master of seduction...of the midnight coffee. but be gone by daybreak or you might find out i'm an insecure mediorce artist with 3 kids and a cook at ciatti's with no real direction in life and deppressed and compulsive. greetings and fare thee well"

no inbetween. no real communion.

I LOVE YOU DAMMIT!
I LOVE YOU ANYWAY YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU GET BETTER
I LOVE YOU BECAUSE YOU SURVIVE, i just don't like your tactics.
I LOVE YOUR PASSION AND YOUR POWER OF SEDUCTION, i just want more after that.
i love that you're a cook at ciatti's and i love your kids and you do so well under so much stress, but you could do better.
i love your sense of line and colur in your paintings. there just seems to be such a violence and sex together. putting these women on such a pedestal fantasy level that you are searching for but will never find. do you want to be put on a pedestal? these fantasy women lay dying and bleeding victims of some sexual vampire death? or else they are vultures. the snake women who willl devour you and you will open yourself up to that sort of sexual violence and worship them from afar or lie vulnerable on a rock as the womam bleeding from the cross, wearing the skimpiest of clothing, suggestively poses. have you won her ? this temptress? do you wish to destroy her? fuck her? have power over her? worship her? be her? give in to her? the love/hate of the dominatrix? don't you think you should look into this?
but alas, dear alice, you love it too much. forever doomed you love it so.

what do you think of me then? how has this affected our realtionship? or am i just fantasizing? there's got to be a strong reason for it...to be so obessed with big-sexed women who either submit or kill.
i'll do neither. i want to love. not just a fantasy I WANT TO REALLY KNOW!

I DESERVE ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE
I DESERVE ALL THE PEACE I WANT
I DESERVE ALL THE MONEY I WANT
I DESERVE ALL THE CREATIVITY AND WONDERFUL FUN EXCITING STIMULATING EXPERIENCES OF GREAT JOY AND FULFILLMENT I WANT
I DESERVE TO BE FULFILLED CREATIVELY EMOTIONALLY SPIRITUALLY AND PHYSICALLY
I DESERVE LOTS OF FUN
I DESERVE CREATIVE ENERGETIC POSITIVE LOVING LOYAL FRIENDS
I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY
I DESERVE RECOGNITION AND COMPLIMENTS
AND I HAVE ALL OF THAT HERE AND NOW, RECEIVED TO ME IN THE PERFECT WAY AT THE PERFECT TIME WITHOUT PAIN AND LOSS NOW!!!
SO BE IT!
AMEN!