i dreamt i was in a big club in uptown that was a regular thing to me. i was looking for kevin/david. someone said maybe he'd gone swimming. so i said i would go look for him and i laughed that i was in a fur coat. then inside the club some black guys were yelling, " hey, black girl!" at a black dancer. so i am out this door 'cause i knew the first person who did would win the limo. someone was the bellboy at the door and it was the black dancer. i grabbed her and said "let's go!". so we got in the limo. we were in emerald green outfits that matched and the limo was like something from Oz. there was a male and a female driver but the male got out and i was not as happy with that because i would have felt safer with a guy driving. the dancer was in the front seat and i leaned out from the back and said "they make fun of you because you're so exotic looking. you're the prettiest one." and she sadly agreed but would hardly look at me and didn't want to talk about it. she was very traumatized. then renee and carolyn were in the limo and i found out we had the limo until 3:00am and it was only 11:00 pm. so i said "let's go get cris". so we stopped at 27th and hennepin and i found the buzzer and he said crabbily, "WHAT?!" and i tried to explain that there was a limo out here for us to ride. i couldn't remember the name of the club and he was annoyed. so i went up to the apartment and then i was wearing a baggier sloppier outfit whereas before i was wearing almost like a "fool's" outfit with fishnets. so he changed and i did again into a turn of the century man;'s outfit in red, like alice in wonderland. then i realized it was 2:15an and we only had 45 minutes. i didn't know how the time went by so fast. i was sad but going to make the best of it. when we got outside they said "you've changed clothes" and i said the fishnets were too cold. they were fixing the limo and putting an orange mumu on the back seat. we all felt excirted about the limo that we were so lucky to come by it and were going to make the best of it and the small time we had. we were all girls having fun.

then the bells of the church woke me up. gonna go have breakfast.

7.4.1991 5:09pm
i just got back from a tour of the island with mom and S. there are so many nice places to go and sit but it's a lot more people mom says 'cause it's the 4th of july. i'm fairly happy and excited about all the lovely places you could have a sanctuary and do magic. of course i can't talk about that with mom or S. i collected some chamomile and feathers and 4 lovely round white rocks that you weren't supposed to take from this beach but i did anyway. i'm wearing the most unlikely outfit because all my clothes were dirty and are in the wash. turquoise leggings with turquoise hightops and a purple t shirt with my red red hair and my blue blue sunglasses. it's a drag i have my period and my allergies are pretty bad at times. mom and S are going to grill hamburgers and have a bean salad and stawberry shortcake for dessert.

i don't know if S really likes me. he's such a strange person. i just don't know how to be around him. he's very quiet today. i still think he talks to people really condescendingly and in a way which doesn't seem genuine. which is a major problem with him. i'm trying to be calm and peaceful despite my discomfort with this. i don't really know if he;d rather be doing something else than showing me the island. so i feel sort of like a burden and it gave me a headache. but basically i'm happy. i just want to badly to be by myself or BE MYSELF when i'm around them.
11:45pm i miss cris so much. i just put another message on his machine, darling wombat child.

(adding this 01--2-2003)

who the people are in my old journals

cris: boyfriend
carolyn: bass player of the blue up?
renee: drummer of the blue up?
lorna: woman who owned a house i rented a room in
monsty: cat in the house
jim: roommate in that house
nique/dominique: person i worked with
wendy: person i worked with
david: person i worked with
michele: boss at work
arden and nikki: underage lust interests of cris
nick ralph: owner of midnight records in london who i had a record contract with at that time
howie: old boyfriend from london
ed: 1st boyfriend/x boyfriend
john kass: record company owner of susstones records who put out my 1st single and EP
grant hart: executive producer of my 1st EP and drummer of husker du
S: mom's husband