7.3.1991 1:51am
i am super duper pissed right now. i have to get up 5 hours from now and take a bus for 8 hours. then a car rid for 2 hours and i ferry for 1/2 an hour and then probably another 1/2 an hour to get to my mom's.
i am fighting with cris because i said my hair was very red and nothing looked red compared to my hair, which i said rather jokingly and in fun and i am proud to get my hair finally near the kind of red i want. i was just having fun and i can enjoy my hair if i want to.
he said something sarcastically to the effect of, "ya, you're the greatest. you win.". not the exact words but that's what it meant to me.
i feel cris thinks i'm vain. vain to have so many clothes. vain to spend time on my hair. vain to be in a band. vain to sign my art or want recognition or fame or too many things.
i'm sick of hiding my abilities. i want to be proud of who i am. i'm a good person and i do not love myself to the exclusion of all other people and things.
cris thinks i'm obsessed. i am not to the exclusion of all things.
this just seems completely impossible to me right now. i'm so confused and tired and sad and angry. cris is completely with me and he thinks that i am competing with him. he thinks i try to "one up" him and other people. he thinks i want to be obessively, greedily, selfishly be the best at everything. well i do want to be the best that i can be in whatever it is i choose to do. he says that whatever i do---then he doesn't want to do that himself. he is so fiercely jealous.
i want so bad to go in there and snuggle with him. we were going to make love tonight. i was thinking about it all day. i'm just so fucking sad.
i feel i'm not allowed to choose whatever it is i want to do at the time and be the best i can be in it for fear he'll think i'm better at it and feel inadequate and he will give up. i don't know why we can't share things and learn from each other and be proud at each others progress and desire and excitement.
i need to grow and bloom and be loved for it. to be encouraged. just writing this makes me yearn for it and cry.
if i overshadow somebody it is in their own imagination. there is plenty of sun and room for all. no one should put another down to make themselves FEEL bigger.
i'm so sad. i don't know what to do.
he is mad at me because " i am clear and logical and correct" , as if that's bad. if i were confused , illogical and incorrect would that give him a false sense of security? should i have no imagination, no creativity, strive for little, have no goals and ambitions, notbe interested in anything he is? have a small amount of boring things? have little to say? be unsocial, socially retarded, shy, dowdy, not want to share things? keep to myself, ask no questions, have no sense of curiosity, wonder or awe? be clairvoyant to know when to do all the correct things at the correct times? be unspiritual, don't yearn for higher learning?
i am the opposite of all of the above.
"i want to be the one to walk in the sun. oh, girls just want to have fun" --C. Lauper
i'm too tired now to make more of this. i feel so sick. i am very very depressed. i feel so lonely. OH FUCK WHAT A PATHETIC RANT. "there is no language in our lungs to tell the world just how we feel. no bridge of thought. no mental ink. n letting out just what we think"-- A. Partidge
3:38am

7.3.1991 11:00pm i'm finally at my mom's house. it's more beautiful than i'd imagined. a huge forest of birches in the back of the house full of faeries and spirits. the smell of pine and wild flowers. humid grass. foliage growing wildly everywhere. my mom tells me of when the fog rolls in and this huge pine tree you can stand under when it's pouring and you won't get wet. the many shores on this island i haven't seen yet. i can hear crickets and only that. a lone car. the church is next door and it's always open. very simple and quaint and with a PIANO! my mom has made beautiful little gardens with stone fences around them. i ate a ton of fresh strawberries, just picked. and they are completetely perfect looking and sweet. i can't wait to eat some fresh fish. i miss cris really badly right now. i already called him and put a message on his machine to call me when he's back from work. and that could be a few hours from now. i want to snuggle and share all these wonderful lush nature things with him. walk in the woods, take a nap in the woods, make love in the woods. go explore. be creatures. create magic. i'm so tired from fighting last night. only two hours of sleep. and i didn't really sleep on the bus with no cris to put my legs on. miss him. i want to smell his yummy scent. i could be asleep in one second all nuzzled on his chest listening to crickets. my mom made my room up for me. so nice and stark and empty. a white chennille bedspread with pink flowers on it that i gave her. some seashells. a cobaly blue bottle. a glass angel. an old copy of a painting of a mother and daughter, some paints, a watercolour she did, a chair with a teddybear on it. so simple. unlike my room. i wish i had brought my spiral dance book. i just didn't want my mom to question it. and i have the dance of anger, illuminati trilogy, a rolling stone and a small book on roxy music. but all i want to read is the spiral dance. tomorrow is the 4th of july and it doesn't seem real at all. it doesn't seem like july. before i know it will be august and then fall. i hope i can get to the phone before it wakes mom or her husband when cris calls. i hate not knowing when it will be or not at all. i'm so tired. it's weird to sleep in a strange place. especially when it's your mom's house. but i guess i'm used to that now---not being familiar with my parent's houses. not having a home. i miss cris.