2/17/90
There's so much that's happened. I don't know if I can write it all down since I don't like to write. First life has been pretty much waiting around for this contract from Nick Ralph I haven't gotten yet. Nick says he wants the record out by April or May, though he better get his butt in gear. A strange thing happened and pinnacled around New Year's Eve and that was that I've always wanted Cris to meet my friend Richy but Cris met Richy's girfriend Bracha and they liked each right away being that they're both antisocial. Cris is just starting to not be antisocial because of these antidepressants he's on so he decided to help her. She is a manic depressive opionated bookworm. Anyway, she was just getting over being dumped by this herion guy , Ivan, so then she falls in love with Cris, but Cris is not in love with her but feels some weird connection with her..but he gets a crush on Richy! Richy sort of finds Cris attractive and of course a long time ago Richy and I went out on a few dates, so all of this gets dropped on me New Year's Eve because Richy and Wendy and I went out to 1st Ave because Cris had to work. So anyway, this whole thing turns into a disaster because Bracha thinks I'm stupid because I don't read and she's jealous of me because I have CRis. So now she's on my list of people I most want to kill for intruding into my life so unkindly. She's a fucked up bitch as far as I'm concerned, but Cris still likes her and this is causing tension between us. PLus CRis wanted to have a lot of space lately which makes me paranoid because the only people he ever sees is Bracha or Lisanne, his old flame who is also a self-centered twit. And Cris wants a place to go paint so of course of all he places it has to be Lisanne's 'cause she's got an extra room.. Tension tension tension. Cris has been so wound up lately with being bored of his work, kids, being 27, etc. So much so that last night he got so drunk as I've never seen him before till he couldn't even stand up and he came home at 6am then threw up for 2 hours till 8am then his kids came over at 10am till 6, then back to work from 6 till midnight. and this was my day off but I slept until 7:30pm! I felt like I'd been drinking. I've felt out-of-it all day long with a headache and I can't eat. So I burned a lot of purifying herbs and cleaned the house a bit which seemed to help and now I'm writing this and listening to all these new records I bought recently because I've been freaking out about the CD takeover and they're not going to make vinyl records anymore. I need to take a shower and eat something. I as hoping my three days off would be relaxing, but I don't know. Practicing with my band has been going very well, though, but very slow. We just played "where is DAy" yesterday for the first time and it sounded better than I thought it would. I'm so nervous about going on tour that it's making me ill already. I've been thinking about seeing a psychologist or something, but it's just so hard to find the right one and one that takes medical assitance. Ragstock has made me "supervisor" now at work which is something under assistant manager. They said in 2 months I could be assistant manager if I would work 40 hours a week but I said no, I'm not going to work 40. So now I don't know where everything stands. Nique, at work, has been bugging the shit out of me and I wish she would quit or get fired or something. She is immature, snotty, scene-queen, fucked up, cheerleader, dark-sider, stuck up, insecure, loud, obnoxious, moody, selfish, inconsiderate, snappy little bitch. I know I'm complaing a lot lately and I'm trying to make my life better somehow. I like where I live, my band's doing fine, I will get the contract, Cris and I are still in love and working things out. It's just the Bracha, Lisanne, Nique, touring in Europe thing that's getting me down. And that's about it in a nutshell.

2/21/90
Today I did a lot of resolving and my adrenalin was running high. Bracha called Cris today and I answered the phone and was business-like, not cruel nor kind. But when Cris called her back I guess she was "distraught" at my so-called coldness to her and that I was not "pleased" it was her. So that was the last straw and I called her right back and let her have it by saying "of course I am not pleased that it's you on the phone after you have fallen in love with my boyfriend and want to fuck him and then tell him that you think I'm stupid". I said I hadn't read Herman Hesse and Faulkner and Nietzche, but I know a hell of a lot of things that you don't know about life and I'm not saying I'm smarter than you or you over I, but we're just different and of course I'm pissed at you for intruding into my life and it caused me a great deal of stress and if you'd like to talk about it and resolve it, then I'm game or would you like to hit me or what? What do you expect me to do? What do you want from me? And if there's anybody in the world I want to hit right now, it would be you, but I'm sure you have your good qualities, too and so what do you want to do?"
She was completely silent then said " I don't know what to say" then hung up on me. So anyway,I hit the fastball into her ballpark. I've never yelled at anyone like that I didn't know, so I was just shaking all over but at least I stood up for myself because I'm usually maybe too polite. Who knows what will happen now. Then there's the problem of Lisanne, who i guess, I've just found out is still upset at me because about 2 years ago I flirted with her boyfriend Tom, who I didn't know and didn't know he had a girlfriend and I didn't know Lisanne and Lisanne doesn't like women anyway, so even though I feel she should apologize to me for being so cold to me when she comes over to MY house to see Cris..I called her up today after work ( which I was still hyper about Braccha) , I decided "hell" I'll finsh all of this today while I'm on a roll. So I called her up and said I was sorry for ever flirting with Tom and didn't know he had a girlfriend, etc and I would never take anyone's boyfriend away because I've been on the other end and it's too bad this shit built up beween us because we never talk and don't know each other but if you'd like to have coffee sometimes, ok, if you like because I'd like to get to know you because I feel so weird about this all and you and Cris having been ( ugh!) lovers. ( I hare to say that...grrrrr.) Makes me paranoid and especially when she doesn't talk to me and she said it was brave of me to call her and that she appreciated it and it seems to be quite a bit better now, I hope. WE'll have to see what happens about Bracha. Then there's still Nique who makes me sicker all the time about her anti-fur thing, but she keeps playing songs that have lyrics like " I want to party on your oussy baby" or "Shut up and give me some pussy" or "working with the devil in you pussy" and she loves Sam Kinison who is a sexist, boggot, homophobic jerk who wears a lot of fur and probably eats steak every day. Life is so fucking hard sometimes ( most of the time). BUt today I feel some intense progress because I really tried to resolve 2 out of 3 major problems with people. It was so hard. It did take a lot of courage and I'm proud of myself. Cris is so wonderful, too, because our communication is always getting better. We really try hard to work things out and understand each other, which seems to be a real rarity in relationships these days. I feel lucky, very lucky to find such a man. Oh ya, and a few days ago I went and saw Ed for about 1 1/2 hours. I saw him at his work then went to have coffee with him, but Jennifer came with( his girlfriend), which was ok because I like her but I really wanted to see just Ed becaus we hadn't gone out or seen each other anywhere that wasn't 7th ST. Entry for about 2 or three years! I think Ed is scared to see me alone and he trued hard to get out of it by saying he had to go to STillwater. It's always me who has to make the effort to resolve these things. BUt in the car (he gave me a ride home, astoundingly) I told him I still loved him and gave him a hug and he said "well, i'm glad you don't hate me" i said "well, I still hate you too, but that's because I love you. I just wish you'd say you're sorry, not for breaking up with me, but for how you did it" and he looked uncomfortable and said he was sorry and he said he hoped i like his new album he just recorded and he looked as nervous as me when I wanted him to listen to MY album. That made me feel good , like maybe my opinion does matter to him a bit.
Because about his last album "Yes, Indeed". I said it was well done but it didn't have much REAL emotion or soul and wasn't really HIM. That he's always trying to be so tough when inside he's pretty sensitive and watery. He said he actually thought about what I said and it helped him. I was shocked! I've always just told him everything he did was great, which it is well "crafted", but works of art must come from within and be truly you. He seems to be getting less narrow minded, which is very good because he used to hate jethro tull and now he listens to it all the time. He said Captain Beefheart fucks goats and is a pervert, but now he likes Beeefheart. He said Peter Gabriel got kicked out of Genesis for being too pretentious so he must be bad, now he listens to Peter and even Brian Eno. DRives me nuts really because I was so condemned by him for my musical tastes when I wen out with him, but I'm glad he;s growing. I made him ring up all sorts of things that he persuaded me to get rid of, like Simple Minds, Japan, Ultravox, Elvis Costello. So HAH! BIt by bit I get things resolved with him. But it takes so long because he doesn't out out any effort to see me or talk about the past. But he's one thing I've got to resolve or I'll go crazy. Thank God Cris is so understanding. Now it's 12:08am and CRis should be home. I wonder where he is 'cause I want to tell him about Lisanne and I've got to go to bed right now if I want to get 8 hours of sleep ( which I won't) 'cause I have to work 9-5 tomorrow. Wow, I haven't written this many pages in a long time. I don't know what came over me!!!
Better get on my pajamas and maybe eat that last blueberry turnover I found in Dinkytown when I went to see Ed . It's the only place I could find blueberr turnovers and I've been searching for quite awhile! Ciao.

2/22/90
Today I told Nique off. I had a panic attack at 6am this morning. For some reason I'm totally wired, maybe adrenalin. I left work early and came home and slept for 4 hours. I got up in a bad mood. When I came home early, Cris wasn't happy because he wanted to be alone to paint. I felt like I was intruding and I was really upset. Now, after work he wants to go see Otto's with Lisa and John and I don't want to go because i'n definitely not in a social mood and going to see Otto's..it will be packed. He'll go and I guess I'll feel weird about Lisanne, and being there, it's too much stress and NIque will be there, too. Somehow it makes me mad at Cris and I feel left out and isolated. I don't know how to get in a good mood. I have to gfet to bed by midnight 'cause I have to work 9-5 again. Then straight to practice. I haven't been eating well. I called up Diane at Rock-it and asked for the name and number of her therapict since she mentioned before that she had panic attacks, too and this guy was really good. I feel like calling my mom or something. Ugh. Shit. My mom's not home and Lisa Raye's not home and I have a stomache ache. I want to talk to someone. I wish CRis were here and even though he's being extremely nice to me lately, I can tell he's in one of his moods again, and I understand 'cause I'm restless, too, but I need a hug or something . I need a Tums. I'm afraid to go to bed tonight. I;m afraid of getting the flu or throwing up. I'm scared. Spot keeps meowing. There's nothing on Tv. I'm out of charcoal blocks to burn some herbs. Maybe I should make some herbal tea. I've got to do something. I feel so wound up. I mean I'm glad I talked it out ( or yelledd or whatever) to the three women, but I feel so wound up. Cris says "drakest before the dawn". Two days to the new moon. Guess I'll do my I Ching.
questions for the I ching:
1)Please Give me some advice!
2) What is the best way for me to deal with Cris in order to keep our relationship together?
3) Why is this hardship with Cris happening to me?
4) How do I find the stength to bear with Cris without draining all my energy?
5) Was I meant to take the road of solitude in order to further myself spiritually or am I meant to take the road of fame in order to share my thoughts with a large audience?

questions for the Tarot:
1) If Cris and Bracha continue, how will it affect us?
2) Can I trust Cris to be faithful to me?
3) Could I Leave Cris comletely alone or whatever he wnts wihout losing him?
4) Is the way to get Cris back by leaving him completely alone to do whatever he wants?

3/3/90
Cris and I have been having immense problems lately which have been slowly building up but became much worse after I came back from my dad's ( Febuary 26, 27, 28). Cris got off work while I was gone in order to have time to himself to paint or whatever. He said he wasn't even going to answer the phone. But he went out a lot, didn't take care of himself, went to a movie ( Henry the 5th). We were going to see it with some 17 year old girl he just met named Nikki who I don't know, and then she came over and stayed the night. Also, Kim, a waitress he worked with , stayed another night. But he said he wanted to be alone! And with all of these problems with women I'm having lately it as COMPLETELY INSENSITIVE to make me even more paranoid. He wants more and more space from me and he's very distant and detached and even thinking maybe he wants to live by himself, which I know would end our relationship. I am so afraid and I have a weird intuitive or fearful pit in my stomache. I am totally freaking out. But I can't even talk to him about it without feeling guilty because he can't deal with anything but himself lately. I found out he might be going through "saturn return", which means total upheaval, questioning and dealing with all your fears till you're around 30!!! Can I stick this one out? I just don't know. I cann't handle ( but I guess I will) another break-up. I'm going to see a psychologist 3 times a month now in order to combat my nervousness. But I might have to start talking about this relationship thing. I'm going insane. I don' know how to deal with this without imploding, exploding, feeling like I come 2nd and I'm subserviant, resentful, angry, using up all my energy and I'm worried about self-fulfilling prophecies. I;m DAMN scared. Maybe I should even go on antidepressants again. When shit like this starts happening.
I need attention and kissing and touching and sex SO BAD!!! I feel so lonely and left out. I feel completely ignored like I don't matter right now. I don't fit into any part of his life---his reading, painting, excersise, work, friends. I'm so alienated and being pushed away. This also makes me extremely angry and I want to say "fuck right off". But I'm trying to overcome anything impulsive and have patience and inner strength. Good luck, I say! Fuck...what a job. It's really taking a toll on me. I wish I could leave and get the hell out of here. But I don't have the money, which I guess means I'm supposed to stay. Even Cris was going to go to Oregon for 10 days at the end of this month is not going to go for lack of money. Definitely something is forcing us together. I hope this ends soon. I hope I can deal with it. I love him so intensely. I really know I want him, if only he could see what he could so easily give up!!! What a fool he would be. What a damn fool. Tragedy. Shame.
And then the whole Bracha thing. I ran into Richy and Bracha briefly today on the street in Uptown. It was very uncomfortable but I found out that Richy is working at Rock-it today, so on his break I went to see him and told him I was sorry if I caused him any grief becaus I had yelled at Bracha. But he said he wasn't mad. And I told hi my concern about his relationship with her. He told me that Bracha said she wasn't going to deal with Cris or I anymore and I was SO GLAD, but thinking this is too good to be true and NIque at work said ( or maybe it was Wendy) that now that she's seen me up here, she'll know I'm not with CRis so she'll probably call him now, knowing I'm not going to be answering the phone. Sure enough, she called him saying she's concerned that he went off his medication ( which he did for about 4 days which is one of the reasons it's been exceptionally bad lately) and he told her he's on it again now. So that's all they said, but that is just shows me that this thing is NOT over and Cris just sees this as more of a challenge. What a fucking damn-ass fool!!!!!!!!! I wish I could beat it into his stubborn fucking head that this bitch is NOTHING but BAD NEWS---A COMPLETE BLACK HOLE!!! It's exactly like the devil card in the tarot. That is her. She is just one of those people who is FUCKED UP! And that is it! I don't want her energy anywhere NEAR me. She scares me but at the same time she's utterly pathetic.
Maybe I'll ask the I CHing one last question:
1) What is the purpose of Bracha in my life?

well, I'm pretty bloody tired and these things are starting to make no sense. I'm just too tired.