[06 Dec 2001|02:33am]
i'm falling down tired and so hungry. must sleep. i've been organizing over
30,000 of my campix to make a better more organized archive. it's driving
me mad. simply mad! must crawl into bed and turn on electric blanket. zzz.
i have word
up by the dazz band stuck in my head.
just waking up... [06 Dec 2001|11:55am]
I am a Hot Dog with Mustard.
Writhing alternate manuscripts parlay my featureless corrugated vegetables. My consonants spread high gullies with ten overdone bumps. I face top liquids with brandy officials.
Why will penguins
contribute bunks? The Utterly Surreal Test
thanks sonia5 :)
[06 Dec 2001|01:05pm]
i'm gonna try to stay away from the computer today as much as possible. i
need a break from it.
then i caught david bowie jacking off in my bed and i was like Why? he made a huge mess and it looked like pee and i had to wipe it up quickly with a towel and i threw it in the freezer because my abusive boyfriend was coming home right that second and i had to hide it somewhere he wouldn't look. and i threw all the cool photos i had taken of david bowie in the nude under the bed and in dresser drawers.
my abusive boyfriend was really pissed and started going through all my clothes to see what i had tried on that day and what i had not as to discern what i was up to. thankfully i knew that he really had no good memory of what clothes i even owned.
it was snowing out this whole time and i was also outside simlutaneously trying to get somewhere in the snow away from my house and also simultaneously back into my house and i think there were thorns or pitfulls of some kind. i was not at all wearing the right clothes for snow.
i ran into sonia from hairpolice and she was bumming because her rent was too much and i said mine was too and we tried to figure out a way that anacam and hairpolice could share rent and sort of merge creative endevours. i was with my friend carolyn, too and renee from my band The Blue Up? and we were trying to set up to play a show but we couldn't figure out how to get Renee's drums together and for some reason she blamed me for that. all of a sudden a remembered a strange crucial piece that went together and i pushed the pieces together...it was kind of like a scroll that went into a metal tube and right then i had a huge feeling of deja vu that the last time i had done that i had broken up with my OTHER abusive boyfriend.
and so sort
of simultaneously as all that was going on i was back at my house and i decided
to break up with my abusive boyfriend and i just said it so matter of factly
and i was so horrified and intrigued and disgusted and delighted that such
a huge event could take place just within the matter of a few seconds with
just a few words. and i was so surprised at myself that i could do it and
that i could go through it and not take it back. and i told him to leave and
i shut the door and that was that. although i was scared he would come back
and hurt me. and i was just stunned at how that was the end then and i could
take all my photos out that i had been working on to make this magazine and
i could lay then all down on the table and didn't have to hide them and there
would be no violent reprecussions for this and i had my sexuality back and
was free but i was so drained and disgusted by the whole ordeal and just sexuality
in general that my head could not really be clear about what i wanted or what.
all i knew was that i was very disapointed that david bowie had jacked off
all in my bed and made a huge mess and why on earth did he do that and how
really thoughtless of him so forget about him and all that weirdness, too.
i just wanted to concentrate on getting my album out and magazine out so i
could be done with that section of my life and move onto other things....
i wanted to go back and figure out that flamenco spinning like a gyroscope
thing but i didn't know how
[07 Dec 2001|05:14pm]
working on archives all day again. i wanna finish but i've lost my connection
to ftp for a minute here...
now i'm running a quick bath 'cause in less than an hour i go out to eat with
jason and then to the milo fine show. i'll be back later on tonight :)
[08 Dec 2001|01:20pm]
worked on the archives for a few hours more. getting the fonts and colours
right. have to add words and explanations after that. i have such a long way
to go. but at least it's all up and accesssible now.
listening to Low.
sun shining in brightly.
deiter's upside down.
i'm super hungry. gonna have some kippers and grapefruit because that's all
i have.
at 3:30 i leave with jason to go to his parent's for dinner for an early chanukah
[08 Dec 2001|02:16pm]
it gets dark out so early. i hate it.
[08 Dec 2001|03:51pm]
i feel exactly like i have terrible pms. but it's weeks too early for that.
the only thing that is not like pms is that i am not hungry. i am only extremely
irritated and impatient and sounds and smells that i do not like jump out
at me like prickly things on my nervous sytem. ick. i hate being like this.
this is a time i would like to have a bottle of wine so things would stop
being this way. but that is not a good idea. so i'm not going to do it. augh.
things seem overwhelming and stuff seems like it will just NEVER get done
and i will be battling this uphill thing for all eternity. i hope that is
not the case. if i had a few glasses of wine then i'd be as happy as a clam
and everything would seem fine and i'd feel loving towards people and i'd
feel creative and full of life and just know that everything is going to be
ok.
that is why i like to drink when i feel on edge like this. the only other
thing that helped was xanax...but i don't have that anymore. and i have klonopin
but all that does is make me fall asleep so it's useless if i want to get
anything done.
i wish i could pay people to just come over here and help me paint and clean
and scan and type out my journals and organize my photographs and articles
and scan them and get them in the computer. i wish i could afford an employee
of some kind. i wish everything i wanted done was just done now. like all
the clothes that need fixing because buttons are gone or a seam is ripped.
all the mannequin fingers that need gluing back on.
if i just had a bottle of wine and didn't have to go anywhere, then i'd blast
my music and glue mannequin fingers back on and sew my clothes on the couch
and feel like just being HERE NOW.
i love when i am just so satisfied to cut my grapefruit into little slices
and eat it slowly while the sun is shining. i want to live life just not so
impatient. patient enough to lug the bug heavy cam over to the stove when
i make eggs or to the bathroom when i take a bath. or over to the computer
as i type this. but i just have only so much time in a day and i hate that
feeling.
i need to get my piano moved into the livingroom and most importantly...tuned.
i want everything in complete order right now right now right now so i can
fall into the couch and just concentrate on one thing.
i could do that now. i have the ability. stop my brain stop it. i need a major
chakra overhaul.
i wish it wasn't against the law to throw things out my window. i miss having
a lawn or something to stick stuff on for people to take. i should just start
making boxes of stuff and randomly mailinig them out to people...
oh ya...that would probably freak some people out because of the anthrax thing.
i need to get sebastian to a pet groomer. that dog has more fur than...than
...a really furry thing.
jason will be down here any minute to get me to go to his parent's. actually
we are going out to eat. i wish i was hungry. i am actually hungry body-wise...but
my mind is not. or something. my stomache feels all acidic. i'd like just
a few pretzels maybe. and a coke. and a backrub. i think i'll take some aspirin
now.
it helped to type this out, i think. jason's here.
bye. see ya later :)
[08 Dec 2001|10:49pm]
i'm at jason's. gonna sleep here. i got in a MUCH better mood after i ate!
:)
i see that the dogs have unplugged my camera as the picture is blue...
sorry 'bout that. i'll fix it when i wake up.
pupsters.
jason and
i went to borders yesterday after dinner with his parents ( which was yummy..i
got the beef brisket :)
and there was a magazine called Juxtapoz that it's cover had on it a mark
ryden painting. then i discovered through that he had a website..then i discovered
he has a book of his paintings for sale! so VOILA! and i got a gift certificate
for borders from jason's parents and i ordered the book online today with
it :) ooooooo :)
i feel freaky aboiut his paintings because you just can't get any more "me"
in a painting even if i , myself, had painted it! i am simply not up to his
skill level yet of painting. WOW! just absolutely everything in his paintings
i swear feels like he ripped them right out of my head! i lurve him :)
i mean he's into big eyes girls, stuffed animals (and the kind with the rubber faces!), vintage toys,surrealism, bunnies, bees, jesus, magikal symbols, goth girly dark scary happy pretty sex twisted pretty flower dolly stuff, AND abraham lincoln, TOO??? ( who i have listed as an interest in my LJ ), octopi and other sea ceatures..keys, televisions,beetles, butterflies, weird anatomy medical stuff, crowns, blood dripping into cups, and even ginger root!.....the only thing i haven't seen yet in his paintings are owls
i also now
have discovered this comics anthology series called Blab! which i now NEED
all the issues of! aaaa! and i wanna get a subscription to this Juxtapoz magazine.
*drool*
but one thing at a time. i'm just so glad he has a book out of his paintings
and i'm gonna get it :) yay :)
go see his website! http://www.markryden.com
i also got
the new stereolab cd and for chanukah jason got me the adam ant box set that
came out last year! jason and i were listening to it in the car and swooning
over the adam and the ants demos and unreleased songs :) i don't know anyone
in the world who loves adam ant almost as much as i do except for jason :)
i say almost because i was going to get adam ant's autograph tattooed on my
arm when adam was supposed to have toured here a few years ago. but then he
cancelled because he was sick :(
and i was going to interview him for Cake magazine! and he CANCELLED! great
sorrow. i still have NEVER seen adam ant live :(
on all my records i write in the liner notes " would someone please tell
adam any to call me? it's important!" :)
SOMEDAY he will call me :) it just HAS to happen :)
anyway..what a great gift jason got me! he always gets me THEE best presents :)
in an hour all our tv shows start....futurama, simpsons, king of the hill, x files, brak show, space ghost, sealab 2021, the hunger force ( is that what it's called? ) hunger squad? it's a shake, some fries and a glob of meat that are a crime fighting team.
tomorrow my mom is supposed to be coming here at 10pm to hang out. but i think i will cancel because i am not feeling up to it.
i gotta get
outside before all the shows begin so i can get some food for jason and i
[09 Dec 2001|07:23pm]
jaosn and i are making spaghetti.
i've now finally seen that show "iron chef" on the food network.
YES! what a great show! :)
i'm at jason's
drinking diet pepsi twist and watching cnn. i'm gonna go home in a few minutes.
[10 Dec 2001|01:16pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
ohmigod. i
just got the bill for the emergency room visit i had last week and it's over
3,000 dollars. ohmigod. i cannot pay that. i just can't. there is no way.
:( i am in shock. stomache ache. shock.
they did an xray of SOMETHING (???) that cost almost 900 bucks, and the blood
work was around 600 bucks, and just to stay there for 12 hours cost 900 bucks.
plus all this other stuff....i can't believe it. that's insane. that's criminal.
can you imagine how much it would have cost if they had forced the 72 hour
hold on me? ( which would have also included 2 extra days that would not have
counted in the hold...the weekend). it would have been 10,000 bucks or something.
i need to change my name and move to a new country. fuck. i can just say goodvye
to any hopes of me EVER getting good credit or ANY credit in the next decade
or more.
[10 Dec 2001|01:50pm]
how do i make out a will? can i do it myself? not that i plan on dying or
anything...i just think it should make one out. you never know.
[10 Dec 2001|02:02pm]
hey stacy have you ever been here?:
http://www.tikibosko.com/
and did u
see that book called "night of the tiki"?
[10 Dec 2001|03:39pm]
i am working on my mailing list here:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/voog/
inviting people from my old majordomo list to join my new list 'cause i'm switching. it's gonna take me a few hours because it's several thousand people.
listening
to stereolab. in ten minutes oprah is on.
one thing that pisses me off about oprah's magazine "O"
is that in all of the advertisements...all the women are skinny. i wish that
Oprah would push for those companies to use women of all sizes when submitting
an ad for her magazine
[10 Dec 2001|06:33pm]
introducing sorrow record now up in anamusiq in ana2.com plus the strawberry
fields remix of hollywood (unreleased)