ana
the first 4 posts are to cydniey.
the rest of the posts are me replying to people who are being extremely verbally
abusive to me. for this i am called a crazy whack job overly medicated psycho
bitch.
*sigh*
why why why why why.
now, cydniey..since u took off the option to post in your livejournal...why
do u say i turned on u and didn't stick up for u and used u to broaden "my
arena"
????
and now u say cyd, that u see how miserable my life is.
cyd, i am deeply hurt.
WHAT do u want from me???
tell me how in the 4 things i wrote 2 u...did that hurt u?
i really want to know! :/
i am at a loss here.
-----
what i wrote to cydniey ( only the first 4 are to her )
2000-12-01 14:03
cydniey, it was me who started that list. i am sorry that i added u without
your permission, but i thought it'd be ok that i listed u as a friend there,
because i have had u as my friend on my livejournal for ages and u never were
angry about that. :/
bitchcraft is just a place i decided to make that was friends only so i had
SOMEWHERE to go and post about things without being trolled on so badly. it's
not an elitist thing. anyone can join if they email me.
i am sorry that my intentions were miscontrued.
i just added u as a friend there because i like u a lot and i love the way u
write and u always have so much cool stuff 2 say that i wanted u to have the
option of posting there, in case that ever struck your fancy someday.
it's not a club, it's just a livejournal that i wanted to make for me and my
friends so we could talk freely and not get hacked on.
if u want me to take u off, let me know, and i will.
i am so sorry that my intentions were misconstrued :(
-----
ana
2000-12-01 14:53
i am sorry that your attempts to befriend me fell on me, a person who communicates
so much all the time to "the masses" but not so much to each individula.
ask my mom. i never call her ( but i'm getting better ). the real brutal truth
of the matter is, i am always so busy writing everywhere and commmunicating
with many people all the time...it's so hard to maintainn a one on one relationship
with anyone at all, except jason, my boyfriend.
i do need to take more time out and show more individual love. but it's so hard
because so many beautiful wonderful amazing inspirational people i want to be
friends with, or they want to be friends with me that if i had close relationships
with them all, that's basically all i would do all day is be on the phone talking
to them or emailing them, etc etc.
and , of course, for the first few years of my cam i was wary to really befriend
anyone because i am so raw and open..i have been burned badly by a lot of friendships..and
so it takes me a long time to observe each person and how they react to everything
around them to see all their colours.
because i don't want to get burned.
so instead, i talk to everyone mostly on an even level. and i TRY to convey that i love u all so much and that u help me through the day. whenever i post that in my LJ, i am saying that to YOU as well.
i love your writing and how u think and i think u kick ass.
i am sorry that i did not communicate that to you in an effective way.
i really respect u...
i guess i need to communicate that better to a lot of peopole.
i get overwhelmed. each of u is like a book of infinite pages that i could read
for the rest of my life. so i get scared to form friendships in the normal sense
of the word because i know once i start , i will just never get anything done.
i know that sounds really weird.
so many of you, i feel a bond with..and even tho no words are exchanged, i guess i am overly romantic in my way of thinking what is friendship..for mostly i befriend people by trying to " beam" to them that i do feel a bond with them. thai am there for them. that we will always be friends.u are always HERE with me, because i have u in my friends list and read what i can of your journal.
i guess in the same way that people feel a kinship with me even tho we have
never even met.
it's like i FEEL it when people feel that..i can feel the energy out there and
i can tap into it and give energy back too so it is this revolving spiral of
energy and comraderie and community that we all are part of and it's a support
system.
maybe i am insane , but it feels real to me. and u were always included in it, in my mind and heart.
i also hesitate to say things like this because whnever i single out an individual as being more special to me than others...i get a backlash of jealousy from others. and this jealousy of them wanting to be my friend too is the very thing that will repell me away from these people.
don't be jealous , be inspired! ( i am not saying this to u , cyd, i am saying that sentence to a bunch of other people who have hurt me very much by their jealousy.)
i think i could write about this forever...i know it's coming out in fits and starts and maybe if i keep writing about it, i will get more graceful at it, and be able to communicate this better.
i will write more later, but right now i have 2 get to the bank before it closes. brr cold and dark out there.
i hope u get the jist of what i'm saying *pray*
---
Re: Busy Day in here
ana
2000-12-01 18:17
thank u cydniey :)
the real core of the matter as to why i argued in here so long is that i dodn't
want to "lose" u. are are way too precious to me
i didn't include u in bitchcraft to make u choose sides or make any divisions. i was just letting u know that in case u ever wanted to post there, in this safe place, that u were welcome.
that was my way , in a tiny way, saying that i trust u , i respect u, and i'm including u in my projects , which u may or may not want to be a part of...but just letting u know that it was an OPTION for u. that is all. :)
i know i may have gone about this in a really silly not so effective way...but my heart just opened up and i was seriously seriously trying to understand and communicate.
yes, perhaps i overreact. but i am a passionate person, this is part of who i am. i DO care deeply. and i don't want to change that in me. i am proud that i can still allow myself to feel so much and so openly..yet NOT get drained by it..for some odd reason i don't feel drained at all by this.
and i am not asking u to pick sides or pick eris over me or whatever...
i just wanted to tell u that u are my friend, too.
i needed to tell u that because i felt u slipping away.
if i lost your friendship due to all this confusion and i HADN"T tried
to reach out to u like an "overly medicated psycho"..then i feel that
that would have been a tragic loss for me.
thank u for continuing to inspire me because u also speak from your heart no matter what in all your journal entries. and u really inspire me...with your courage and truth.
thank u :)
---
Re: Busy Day in here
ana
2000-12-01 18:28
ah typos..it is my forte:
when i typed "dodn't want to "lose" u. are are way too precious
to me."
i meant "didn't want to lose u. u are way too precious to me"
---
ana
2000-12-01 14:08
that really hurts me that u say that :(
i am not a crazy cam girl whack job. why do u say this??? :(((
---
ana
2000-12-01 14:31
wow. :(
why are u so angry at me?
i took your post as partly directed at me because i am the one who started bitchcraft...how
could that statement NOT be partly about me?cydniey is upset that i added her
as a friend on bitchcraft.
i started that livejoujrnal.
then u say that the people who did that are whack jobs ..which would mean partly
me, obviously.
---
why do i care what u say about me?
because , as a fellow camgirl, i thought u were my potential friend. i really
like your site and i feel a sense of camradrie with most camgirls..u were one
that i felt that was a gentle person who is kind and good and fair. and i am
sure u are still those things...but i have seen another side of u now that is
not so "innocent" and i feel hurt, because i am a human and i felt
a bond with u. i never told u that..and it is a small bond, but a bond nevertheless..that
i felt in ME towards u.
but was that just my own illusion? i guess so.
it hurts me whenever people are mean to me.
sure i make it through it. i'm not laying on the floor in tears or anything.
but i DO care. and it DOES hurt.
i am human.
---
don't give me a guilt trip either!
that whole artelevision thing i wrestled with that for weeks! that was all i
thought about! everyone had so many sides and i didn't know what the hell was
going on by the end of since i was stuck in the middle as some sort of diplomat
or judge. i realized that that situation was FAR FAR FAR out of my control and
the more people emailed me about and emailed me logs and emailed me emails...i
was so thouroughly confused and drained that i just HAD to let it go for my
own sanity!
and as it has ALWAYS been written in anatomy...i do not write back usually i have always stated that. PLEASE do not take it personally, it has NOTHING to do with YOU, it has to do with me and how my mind works and hoiw much i can take on. if i responded to every email i got, i'd never do anything else! i have to pick and choose what to do or get involved with..but it is NO diss at u at all! i SWEAR!
i know we all have lives. yes, cyberpup has a cam and so do i...but i am BUSIER with my cam that cyberpup :( y'know? it's just a fact?
and i do NOT just have a cam so i can make money from it. i would do it even if it didn't make any money. i love my cam with all my heart. i DO do it for me also. i am not a puppet for the masses creating art for the masses at their beck and call. i do it when i feel like it, when i am inspired. i keep it as true as a possib;y can.
there are A LOT of things happening in my life that i don't talk about, out of respect for my family...people don't know that a lot of harsh or even happy stuff happens in my life that takes all my time away from the cam...but i do not talk about it out of respect for my family, which includes my boyfriend.
during the time that u emailed me about your project i was dealing with some VERY heavy family issues and i didn't have the energy to type that to u...i am sorry that because of that u took it as that i don't like u.
a lot goes on "behiond the scenes" so to speak, that i cannot share with the world. i WISH i could share it. if i had my boyfriends and my family's permission to speak freely about the deep matters that are in our lives, you BET i wanna write about it!
it HURTS me that i cannot share so much pain and happiness i have with the
world. it feels incomplete to not say it.
but i am not going to hurt my family by writing about them when i know that
would be something they would be VERY upset about.
when people ask me to do favour for them or stuff like that..i take it as a
request, not a deman. just as when the telephone rings and i don't pick it up
like most people do...i see it as a request to talk, but not that i HAVE to
pick up the phone, that i am OBLIGATED to pick up the phone.
i am not OBLIGATED to write everyone back an email and be part of every single
project and do all the interviews that people want. it's not just u that i turn
away from these thimgs...it has to do with where i am with my life and jhow
much energy i have. today, obviously , i have energy :)
and i guess i'm not gonna go to the bank now as it cloese in 20 minutes. ack.
no wait..i have 25 minutes..i could make it just in time if i leave now...
i will write more when i get back
---
ana
2000-12-01 16:12
god. whatever. u are so offbase. i give up.
this is sad.
u have a really distorted view of things.
and what does HOW u found my cam have anything to do with anything? ok, so u weren't looking for cams but me, but u were talking to my friend, dave. FINE with me!
thanks for buying my record. i'm glad u enjoy it.
i am not paranoid nor delusional. as much as it seems that the cam right now
is giving me stress, i am MORE interested in WHY and WHY do people react in
the way they do. that is why i am still responding and engaged in these "discussions"
because i like to learn about human nature and psychology. i am not fucking
with anyone's mind on purpose or anything. i am responding truthfully and i
am thouroughly engaged in this because of it's deep underlying meaning that
i am still pondering...not for amusement or to laugh at anyone's silliness or
meanness. i don't find that amusing. it doesn't make me want to laugh.
but i find it INTERESTING. as u do..or else u wouldn't be in here engaging in
this.
before anyone tells me there is no deep meaning to this...that is your opinion
and your view and that's cool
---
ana
2000-12-01 16:35
i have answered ALL those questions already from all the posts i've made in
this thread.
since u were attacking bitchcraft...no?
since that was what cydniey was referring to as to why she was made a friend
on this livejournal she didn't know and u replyed "camgirls are whacck
jobs" i know u didn't mean that EXCLUSIVELY to me...but it WAS to me IN
PART, since i am a cam girl, and i am the one that started bitchcraft, which
is what cydniey was talking about.
since i STARTED the thing that cydniey was confused by...HOW ON EARTH COULD
IT NOT BE IN PART ABOUT ME??? SINCE I STARTED THE WHOLE THING IN THE FIRST PLACE????
and u say u were saying that ALL camgirls were whack jobs. well, ding dong guess what, i'm a camgirl, so i can SAFELY ( i thought ) assume that when y said "ALL camgirls are whack jobs" u WERE in PART directing PART of that to me???
aaaa!!!!
WHY is this so difficult to understand?
and stop telling me what i should do with my life like take a vacation or whatever.that
is so nonconstructive
---
ana
2000-12-02 00:41
for ONE thing, u never asked me nor told me that u WANTED 2 be a part.
---
ana
2000-12-01 17:37
because i did not respond 2 u right away...u deleted your nice supportive post
to me and edit in a new very mean one?
why???
and after i supported u when nicci took away your camboi.com address so i kicked
him off the sleepstation in protest for YOU!
i am so confused.
i guess i'm sadly through with this whole thread :(
i wish that we could just all get along...even if that means " if u don't
have anything nice to say don't say anything at all"
yes, i know i should follow that TOO
it's so frustrating to me to try to communicate here.
it's like we are speaking foreign languages at each other.
it makes me really sad. it does. i mean that i CARE about the fact that this
has turned into such a negative thing that really is not amounting to nothing
but bitter feelings...not further understanding...
i am still open to try to learn to communicate effectively with u...but if u just wanna say something nice then delete and slam me instead..i am quite at a loss of what 2 do
so...i think i'll stop here...at least for now.
i need to take abreak from this. i've reached my saturation point.
i'm not "running away from this conversation because i am so close minded
and psycho that if no one agrees with me i'll retreat."
i am simply taking a break
---
ana
2000-12-01 17:48
ah, wait...sorry that i said u deleted the nice supportive post to me...i see
that it is still there. this thread is just getting so long i thought it disappeared.
still i am confused by you saying one minute:
"ana, you rock all get out.
no, really. I am behind you on this.
I don't think it was appropriate for you to be called a wack job.
=(
Its a shame that people can be so hostile.
What i think she should have said is that you are an interesting, creative,
imaginative, cam grrl.
Who cares if you are an over medicated psycho? What does that have to do with
anything?
{{{{{Ana}}}}}}}"
then saying:" oh inno! don't you understand? she only replies to people
that are high on here Ana scale.
If you aren't incredibly popular or have some way of benefiting ana then you
are nothing to her.
I think it is pretty useless to try and get through to someone that keeps dead
birds on their desk...
But who am I? I am not important enough to have an opinion =("
but then i now see that the post i thought was nice , i guess, was meant to be sarcastic.
when u called me an overmedicated psycho i thought that u were joking because
that statement is way too ridiculous to be true...
but i guess u weren't kidding.
ok.
umm....
-----
no, that is NOT why i did that.
i thought that spanky/camboi/kendryk was my friend
and i supported him. then i came into my channel after having been away for
awhile and he was very very hostile to me. and i was really confused and hurt
by that.
but i'm REALLY not arguing this further with u.
you don't have all the fcats.
if spanky thinks i have done something unfair, he can email me and i will talk
to him about it
---
ana
2000-12-01 18:34
i know WHY i did something more than u would know why i did something. because
u are not ME.
u are not ME , get it?
we have different takes on things.
u saw that through your filters as did i.
but i KNOW why i did it. because i am ME and u are NOT
----
ana
2000-12-01 15:04
i would love to have a straight jacket. i love to be all cocooned up. it makes
me feel comforted :)
--
ana
2000-12-01 14:59
god! WHY on earth u are so mean????
and u say that *I* am trying to divide people and u are not?
so she is a TROLL is she doesn't want to be on the friends list? i mean, c'mon!
is everyone that is ever added to a friends list now a troll? i don't get it.
please please please cryo, i BEG of u PLEASE stop being so mean! PLEASE. :(
---
Re: feh
ana
2000-12-01 15:38
if u want to talk only to a certain person without any one commenting on it...you
are insane to think that no one will comment if u post it in a LIVEJOURNAL!
if u didn't want any commment...then u shoulda just emailed it to her.
if u are so bored of me, WHY are u following me EVERYWHERE i go post??? and why do u continually reply to me????
u say one thing and do another.
go away yourself.
sheesh
---
ana
2000-12-01 16:04
i didn't say u were STALKING me, i said that u are following me around replying
to me EVERYWHERE i have gone in the last few days. and i don't understand why
u keep replying to me and being mean to me if i am so boring and i am not worth
even being typed at.
WHY do u keep responding to me?
stop responding to me so that SOMETHING makes sense from u.
---
Re: wow, the things that happen while i'm asleep...
ana
2000-12-01 16:27
yes, eris i am glad u did not email me since u know that i don't want any contact
from u.
at least u have figured out THAT much.
the deciding factor of me not liking u was in my channel on warped and u private messaged Cyka and told her that she was just my "flavour of the week" then told her that u had to go "do some work for me"
what the hell?
when u start trying to put riftfs inbetween my friends and i, i draw the line.
that hurt Cyka's feelings and i draw the line at that. that's when i banned
u from ana2 even and told u not to come into my chatchannel nor come anywhere
near me...yet u STILL continue to contact me. like a week or so ago when u posted
in my live journal your helpful info to me so everyone could see how nice u
were. even tho u know that typing in my livejournal was on your part a very
passive aggressive hostile act...because then u ran into your livejournal and
posted exactly what u posted into mine and said that i will most likley delete
your entry from my livejournal.
so if u KNEW that i would delete it. then u KNEW i didn't want u posting in my livejournal and so it was a very cunning hostile act. which u are VERY VERY VERY good at.
i give u an A+ for being so cunning in your manipulations that most people don't even see it, but see only the "poor little eris was just trying to help *innocenty face*
most people do NOT know the history about us, not even cryo..i think i was talking to u before u met him.
so know one KNOWS the story!!!
everyone ASSUMES i have just made up this elaborate story.
and i WISH i had the energy to back up my view of things, but i didn't save all the rotten emails u sent me and all the hostile troll-like stuff u wrote in the bbs at ana2, and all the weird things u have private messaged to my friends in chat, and all the passive aggressive things u would say about me in your bbs, which of course, is your right...it's your bbs.
but don't expect me to be FRIENDS with u after all the conniving things u have done.
fine, write me off as insane. i KNOW what happened to me. and i KNOW why u
are not my friend.
u KNOW what u did but i know u will forever deny it and just smirk and laugh
and say how silly and amusing i am and how pathetic i am and paranoid and delusional
i am.
THAT is your secret way of STILL attacking me, by denying that u EVER did anything mean to me or cyka.i since i can't PROVE anything...what can i do?
i know what happened, u know what happened ( unless u just blocked it out or something )
just leave me alone, ok?
---
Re: wow, the things that happen while i'm asleep...
ana
2000-12-01 18:04
the thing is, i CAN stand the heat..otherwise why would i be here?
i, too, am calling bullshit when i see it.
i am not afraid to make myself look sillier and sillier to u by showing my feelings.
i don't always want to just shut down my heart and try to not be upset about
things. i feel. i am human. i am alive. i am trying to communicate. i'm doing
well! i know this all looks silly to u, and perhaps ovreacting and all that...
i know this will most likely add fuel to you're fire about how psycho i am or pathetic or however YOU see me.
all i know is that i am speaking directly from my heart. i am not afraid to
look silly.
i'm not afraid of the heat. of COURSE it's getting to me, of COURSE i am upset
about it because it's just not TRUE.
i know i should walk away from this right now. i know i'm not going to "win" and i am just putting myself out here for further ridicule.
but i'm doing it ANYWAY! because my gut says to keep going , even tho that is illogical to most.
i follow my heart. i speak from my heart.
i am silly. i am the fool. but i wouldn't have it any other way! :)
---
Subject: AnaLiabilities 1.0
<< previous · next in thread >>
While tsenft (Terri Senft) offers thoughtful LiveJournal comments about the
CamArt phenomenon, and stacy (Stacy Pershall) journals her
experiences as an evolving artist operating a webcam site... Ana steps in and
whips their posts into an across-the-board Web/CamGirl cat fight. She's still
fanning the flames with her psychosis.
At least Jenii confines her meddling to herself, d'Ex, their animals, and an
occasional charity.
Ana's relentlessly hypocritical agenda is the source of her grief... and it
turns off allies, of both sexes, assuring her of a critical audience of those
that she labels as trolls. To her favorite mantra - that MEN are the root of
evil - she now adds "i think it's the women who side with the men that
is the most destructive." She has just placed her own gender at the bottom
of the barrel.
Ana clearly doesn't bring out the best in others, ESPECIALLY her pitiable obsequious
entourage, who bleat predictable {{{Ana}}} sound- bytes... so it's a damn shame
that some inspiring women - such as Terri and Stacy - have somehow allowed themselves
to fall into Ana's
irrational/extreme flock (maybe it's a subconscious/relic drive towards a public/popular
validation).
Subject: Re: AnaLiabilities 1.0
Date: 12/05/2000
Author: Christopher Zguris <czguris@SPAM-ME-NOTchristopherzguris.com>
<< previous in thread · next >>
This is a person who regularly posts about "moving to positlve,"
yet regularly reads here (along w/several other cam girls), then copies over
posts she reads _here_ to her livejournal for "What do you think?"
The hypocritical thing is she goes to great pains to exclude _everyone_ from
posting in her journal so, while she's free to criticize and intimate that posts
support rape, she too gutless to hear from anyone who disagrees.
From what she's apparantly posted, she takes a huge amount of fairly serious
medications for mental conditions then seems to spend all her time in her place,
online, w/little contact w/the outside that apparantly harrasses her in some
way (she posted something about needing bodyguards). All in all, that's not
all that healthy (medicated or otherwise).
I assume she's reading this, and I'm not really attacking her, she's got my
sympathy. Unfortunately, her _self_ imposed situation seems unhealthy, yet she's
eeking out enough income to make it work (and continue her self-destructive
behavior), and doesn't really see it or want to have anything to do w/anyone
who might dare comment.
---------------
Elated, Pleased, Angry, Sad, Elated, etc.
tsenft
2000-12-01 12:50
Dear Pals,
Am I the only one going through this rollercoaster of emotions with all the stuff going on lately in Stacy's and Ana's Livejournals? I try to be an "observer", and then I get pulled into it all.
How do other people deal? Do you just pull back for a few days (Lord knows I have enough work to do in other areas of my life.) Or do you suck it up and engage, because it's important stuff, this business of who decides what art and commerce and sexuality is, and will be, in this new media form?
Part of me is really committed to this idea of public discourse, public availability--in the trenches feminism, if you will. And then sometimes justifying my interests and my work to the Public is freaking exhausting. I feel really torn about this.
I read some of the inspirational things from Stacy, Ana and Scott, and I get all hyped up again. Then, just when I am getting inspired, I read another person who just Doesn't Get It. And I get depressed again.
Sigh
(Reply to this)
Re: Elated, Pleased, Angry, Sad, Elated, etc.
whorlpool
2000-12-01 16:58
join the club :)
it's not really a roller coaster; it's more like someone is shoving their fist
inside my head, and sometimes their fingers randomly caress my pleasure centers
and sometimes they randomly jab into my pain centers.
(Reply to this)
Re: Elated, Pleased, Angry, Sad, Elated, etc.
ana
2000-12-01 17:41
i feel exactly as u do. when i have the energy i jump into the trenches. then
i get depressed and need a break.
but i document all of what is going on, so it doesn't just fade away into nothngness.
perhaps at some future time, someone will read the documentation and be so very
happy that i did that.
i feel all i can do with this is document it.
and i think that is important
(Reply to this)
Re: Elated, Pleased, Angry, Sad, Elated, etc.
marcellus
2000-12-01 18:59
Yes, I try to read through all of it, 'cause it seems like there's a lot of
important things being said, but I get so upset with the personal attacks that
sometimes I have to just get away. I've tried to understand why some people
get a kick out of being mean, but I don't. It seems like such a stoopid waste
of energy.
(Reply to this)
Re: Elated, Pleased, Angry, Sad, Elated, etc.
tsenft
2000-12-01 19:20
Well, to be dead honest, *I* certainly contributed to the personal attacks in
the last LJ thread about whether cams were art.
In somebody else's journal (majorweather's I think?) , Unquiet Mind made an important point about my elitism being off-putting. I think she's right.Unfortunately, that's how I deal with a certain flavor of male who shows up in the middle of a dense conversation proposing to "Explain it all for me."
This sort of behavior reminds me of my father, and unfortunatley for everyone here, things that remind me of my dad cause me to act like a lunatic. I've never been acceptable to my father. If you ask him, my dad would tell you that my singular problem is that I "make things too complicated", where he, on the other hand, knows the Facts.
I have fought this my whole life. Sometimes I think it's why I am so hell bent on getting a degree that honestly means not much. But maybe it's time just to stop fighting and move on.
I've GOT to learn to resist the urge to whip my own dick out at every turn and say, "No, actually, MINE is bigger." In my mind, I am being so forceful because I know that lots of other women have a hard time with male answer syndrome, and I also know I have the tools to kick its ass. In my mind, I'm not just speaking up for Ana and Stacy--I'm finally saying what my mother was never able to say to my father.
But this behavior has too high a cost. The last thing I want is to allienate compassionate friends and supporters because I am busy yelling at the Man. I DON'T think you need to go to university to think about art. I DON'T think you need to art school to be an artist. I think it helps focus people when they DO attend formal institutions, but I also know it screws people up, as well.
What trips my panic button is when someone shows up and thinks their twenty second analysis equals the three plus years Ana has put into making her site. Or my ten years of training on the subject of feminist art forms. Or when they don't understand--because they've never even thought to ask--that Stacy's ideas of art come from an entirely different place than Ana's.
It freaks me out when people use rhetorical questions like, "Is a woman in her bathrobe making art?" or just flat out announce that because THEY have a cam, they know "cams aren't art." When this happens, I feel dismissed, diminished and infantilized by a culture that worships the market and conservatism.
What's more, that this "get a grip" attitude is GENERALLY directed at women leads me to think it MIGHT have something to do with misogyny. This frightens me, and when I'm frightened I go on the defense. It's not my ethical preference, but it is a fact of my life.
Wow. Long post again. Sorry about that. This was my weird-ass way of apologizing for contributing to the personal attacks a few days ago. I'm not proud of it. I'll try to do better next time.
Love,
Terri
(Reply to this)
one thing I'd add
whorlpool
2000-12-01 19:49
Terri,
To me, the worst thing is when people use "logic" and appeals to "rational thought" (notice the quotes) to shut down someone else's voice. I've seen this (literally) thousands of times, online and offline. It's the premier tool of a hateful person, to try to use faux logic in order to "prove" that their victim is irrational stupid crazy unreal etc. In fact, I've seen this sort of attack against ana and stacy about a dozen times in the past 24 hours.
Scott
P.S. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say that people who remind you of your father send you into lunacy mode.
(Reply to this)
Re: Elated, Pleased, Angry, Sad, Elated, etc.
marcellus
2000-12-01 19:55
Hey, none of us are saints, right? Isn't it great to have a place where you
can post what you feel without worrying?
Thanks for reminding me not to do that with my daughter. Hell, I don't have
all the answers, I can only tell her about my mistakes and hope she can learn
from them. I'm still trying to figure it all out myself.
(Reply to this)
Re: Elated, Pleased, Angry, Sad, Elated, etc.
ana
2000-12-01 22:48
terri, i commend u on your honesty and i can relate to it 100%! ONE MOTHERFUCKING
HUNDRED PERCENT!
altho, i do have a slight father issue...mine was formed, i think, mostly by really really mean boyfriends who diminished me into nothing.
it's awful to be silenced like that. it feel like u are being literally suffococated by invalidity.
i am proud that we can not only survive this, but discuss this and still FUNCTION!
:)
(Reply to this)
Re: Elated, Pleased, Angry, Sad, Elated, etc.
unquietmind
2000-12-03 23:34
((((terri))))
i just want you to know that i respect you and your work, and you opinions :).i
chose not to get involved in the *ahem* discussion in stacy's journal because
i didn't want it to look like i was attacking you. i was sure you had your reasons
for responding to cryo as you did.
i didn't (don't) necessarily agree with everything you said, but i very much
wanted to hear what you have to say because it made me think.
i hope my post in majorweather's LJ didn't come across like i was talking behind
your back. that was not my intent. i didn't post in stacy LJ because i didn't
want to but you on the defensive. you were kicking ass and did NOT want to dilute
your sparring with cryo.
interesting to know about the dad thing, though. my dad is definately responsible for my formidable contempt for authority. god help the man who thinks he can tell me what to do. meeOOWW!
looking forward to bitchcraft's free marketplace of ideas -
elizabeth
----------------
Date: 11/29/2000
Author: Corolla Guy <james_hamil@excite.com>
<< previous · next in thread >>
Boy, these cam girls sure must do alot to get so tired all the time (responsible
and morally straight cam-girls excepted). Ana's latest journal entry discussed
what she did yesterday, and man do I give her credit for leaving the house and
actually interacting with humans (well sort of interacting...).
P.S. - how old is she?
Author: Christopher Zguris <czguris@SPAM-ME-NOTchristopherzguris.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
If you check in on the various cam girls w/any frequency, it seems like being
"super tired," "exausted," "have a touch of the flu"
and/or every other call for attention possible is a regular symptom of cam-girl-dom.
In fact, I think if a study was done, it would be clear that there's strong
corelation between being a cam-girl and getting various maladies. So, in many
ways, these ladies are risking their lives & health to do their art ('cause
it's all about art, as we all know). Another take is the mentality of many cam-girls
(not all), is to play the needy drama queen role for attention (w/the added
bonus of income thanks to the internet) likes flys to a bug-zapper.
I've thought about starting a webpage (it's not worth a site) detailing the
ongoing history of cam-girl illness, maladies and ongoing non-normal occurances.
I think it would be pretty interesting to see pie charts and bar graphs comparing
& contrasting. As a control, regular non-cam folk could be followed. Just
as a wildcard, I could probably track my dog Jaws (who is, BTW, "super
tired" and currently sleeping) and the cat from hell that inhabits other
parts of my space.
Author: Corolla Guy <james_hamil@excite.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
I think you have hit the old nail on the head, every time you read any of their
journals it's all "so tired", "I just wanna sleep", "wish
I had some cheese", "coming down with the flu". I live in Canuck
country, and I get a cold/flu at the very very most twice a year. These girls
seem to get sick every second week.
If she's mid-thirties, WTF is she doing handing out children's candy and silly
putty at an opening ceremony for condo buyers who actually work for their living.
I can hear the people now "We're going to have 'that' living in our building!!!"
Author: Karde <karde@nospam.nowhere.ca>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
See what a lack of physical movement does to you? The total lack of exercise
ruins the
immune system
Author: Randall Flagg <narcissistic@excite.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
> >
> >P.S. - how old is she?
> >
> Late mid-30's?
>
ya but her tits are only 2.
Author: Corolla Guy <james_hamil@excite.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
It also looks like someone stuck a straw in her chest and blew...
Author: National Audio Visual Conservation Center <culpeper@erols.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
Corolla Guy wrote:
>
> Boy, these cam girls sure must do alot to get so tired all the time
> (responsible and morally straight cam-girls excepted). Ana's latest
> journal entry discussed what she did yesterday, and man do I give her
> credit for leaving the house and actually interacting with humans (well
> sort of interacting...).
>
> P.S. - how old is she?
My *guess* is about 34. Leaving the house? A tough and brave gal, Ana.
Subject: Re: Another tough day for Ana
Date: 11/29/2000
Author: LieslRoberts <lieslroberts@aol.com>
<< previous in thread · next >>
As a girl with a cam I think there's a subtle difference between a "Cam
Girl" and a "Girl With a Cam".
Cons of being a GWAC:
1 - We work and are normal social humans so we don't always have time to be
in front of the cam.
2 - We are usually more mentally alert and get bored playing the same games
on the same computer just so we can be on the came so horny geekboyz will give
us money.
3 - We don't have a constant influx of cash for sitting on our lazy arses all
day.
Pros of being a GWAC:
- We have a normal social life.
- We are usually more mentally alert.
- We don't suffer from strange and frequent maladies as a cry for attention.
I used to see precursors of psychotic cam chicks like Jenni and Ana fake illnesses
on muds all the time back in the late 80's/early 90's. There was one chick (it
was debatable if she was even a chick, mind you, cause it was all text) who
claimed to have an ovarian this, a uterine that, a cyst on this, a tumor on
that, and would happily type all of this in gossip claiming she was mudding
from her hospital bed with an internet connection!
Uh huh. Right.
Watching Ana and Jenni is like watching humans decompose and de-evolve into
upright, longhaired, breastified monkeys right before our very eyes.
Their IQs have all but melted into the single digits, as is evidenced by their
days - coloring fuzzy posters and taking polaroid pictures of their bathwater.
I mean really, developmentally that kind of stuff is on the level of Barney
watching 5 year olds, and not even the bright ones at that.
The internet frees some of us, while it cripples others. Mentally and physically
Ana and Jenni are examples of the crippled ones, but it usually takes a very
weak (or in Ana's case, stupidly self-and-over-medicated) mind to fall as far
as both of them have.
The life of the camgirl. I think I'll stick to being a girl with a cam.
----
Subject: She thinks I doth protest too much
Date: 11/30/2000
Author: Corolla Guy <james_hamil@excite.com>
<< previous · next in thread >>
Looks like Ana is a little upset over some comments that I've made here:
i know. today in alt.fan.jennicam i guess nothing really catching their hateful
hearts for fodder...so one guy took one
word out of my latest livejournal entry "tired". i was tired cause
i had just ate a huge meal. then i continued to be awake until 3am, working
on unvalentines. they like to think that i am lazy and do nothing, all i am
is tired and sick and cranky and whiny and psycho. and then that thread turned
into "her tits look like someone put a straw in them and blew" what
the fuck??? they are just so hateful. i know my tits look like someone blew
stuff into them, because that is essentially what they did! i know they don't
look real! i admit they are not real! but WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SHAPE MY BREASTS
ARE? it's ridiculous. when i have my next boob job i'm gonna get square or pryamid
shaped breasts. i can do what i want. if my breasts aren't real does this mean
i am not real? and what does this have to do with beinga bit tired after a meal?
alt.fan.jennicam is interesting to read because it is so utterly hateful that
i try to understand why. people think they are observing me solely. when actually
i am observing them intently to try to understand. all that surrounds cams and
my cam especially for obvious reasons ( cause it's my cam ), the media, bbs,
newsgroups, emails i get, conversations with other camgirls. it would be interesting
to find out what kind of reaction the camboys are getting.
It was posted in Stacey's (?) LiveJournal, there's quite the discussion going
on in there about the "art" of camgirls.
Subject: Re: She thinks I doth protest too much
Date: 11/30/2000
Author: LieslRoberts <lieslroberts@aol.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
>Looks like Ana is a little upset over some comments that I've made here:
Yeah it's always funny to watch her pitch her temper tantrums isn't it? :-P
What do you expect from a woman who is about as mentally with it as an omelette?
Ana is such a wannabe artist. The Polaroid stuff she's doing is downright infantile.
It's so sad to see someone so average and boring try so desperately to be special.
---
Author: yack <fornicate@jennicam.i-p.com>
ana says:
"alt.fan.jennicam is ... so utterly hateful"
ahe tends to paint everyone here with the same brush. That's not too surprising.
She doesn't see the postive things that are said here, or she doesn't acknowledge
them I guess. But in case she is wondering why people are down on her, the reason
is pretty simple. When jenni fucked Courtney over by sleeping with her fiance,
ana sided with jenni. Any shots ana gets are direct result of that. Sorry ana,
but we are Pamela Courtney defenders.
---
Author: Jeff <Gumper30@hotmail.com
I remember, around the time of the Hereandnow debacle, there were some very
kind words posted here about ana. I posted some of them myself. I hadn't paid
much attention to her site before, and having both
streaming cams side-by-side showed up Jenni as a hapless wannabe. Whenever I
checked in, I found ana's video/audio to be intuitively artful. A cam girl living
off members' dues, maybe; but at least, I thought, she's making an effort.
Her incapacity -- or reluctance -- to see the viciousness in the Dex affair
cost her considerable goodwill. Then, her "I want a condo; send me a thousand
dollars" pitch cost her all my respect. Now, I see her only as a middle-aged
shut-in playing with silly putty.
Much potential, and much squandered. In many ways, a greater Internet disappointment
than Jennifer Ringley.
---
Author: Karde <karde@nospam.nowhere.ca>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
Jeff wrote:
>
<snip>
>
> Much potential, and much squandered. In many ways, a greater Internet
> disappointment than Jennifer Ringley.
Give Jenni Time. Ana's a decade older, so Jenni hasn't had time to catch up.
Oh wait, let me throw in a Ana translation:
Hate hate hate. Ana hate hate hate hate, blah Jenni Hate hate blah.
---
Author: Jeff <Gumper30@hotmail.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
Like all cam girls -- unlike girls with cams -- she loves it when we talk about
her. It must seem to vindicate her own naval gazing.
-----
Author: National Audio Visual Conservation Center <culpeper@erols.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
Jeff wrote:
>
> Like all cam girls -- unlike girls with cams -- she loves it when we
> talk about her. It must seem to vindicate her own naval gazing.
She likes sailors, eh? =>I
---
Author: Goolia <goolia6@hotmail.com>
http://www.warped.com/~billc/ana.html
----
Author: Jeff <Gumper30@hotmail.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
On Thu, 30 Nov 2000 19:30:16 GMT, "Goolia" <goolia6@hotmail.com>
wrote:
>http://www.warped.com/~billc/ana.html
Thanks. How revealing. And how little ana must know herself that she would post
this thinking it made her look like anything but a
self-obsessed paranoiac.
I don't know who this Cryo is, but I'm suddenly a huge fan. I love how she shoots
down ana's assertion that ana is truly her friend, by saying "when have
you ever ONCE asked about -anything- about me?"
That about sums it up for camgirls and their teeny solipsistic worlds.
-----
Author: Corolla Guy <james_hamil@excite.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
Jeez, and she says we're a hateful bunch
"KaLTHRaX was kicked by AnaBawt (Death to you and all your children.)."
I don't know if anybody bothered to read the whole thing, but it sounds like
Ana is pretty damned paranoid and a little delusional...
-----
Author: x_x_x_x_x_x_x <x_x_x_x_x_x_x@my-deja.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
In article <3A266751.F27A66BA@excite.com>,
Corolla Guy <james_hamil@excite.com> wrote:
> Looks like Ana is a little upset over some comments that I've made here:
>
> i know. today in alt.fan.jennicam i guess nothing really catching
> their hateful hearts for fodder...so one guy took one
> word out of my latest livejournal entry "tired". i was tired
cause i
> had just ate a huge meal. then i continued to be awake until 3am,
> working on unvalentines. they like to think that i am lazy and do
> nothing, <snip>
well, ana sure proved us wrong. up til 3am working on unvalentines? busy, busy!
---
Author: Muse <tjcgg4@prodigy.net>
<< previous in thread · next >>
On Thu, 30 Nov 2000 08:42:25 -0600, Corolla Guy
<james_hamil@excite.com> wrote:
>Looks like Ana is a little upset over some comments that I've made here:
>
>
>
> i know. today in alt.fan.jennicam i guess nothing really catching
>their hateful hearts for fodder...so one guy took one
> word out of my latest livejournal entry "tired". i was tired
cause i
>had just ate a huge meal. then i continued to be awake until 3am,
>working on unvalentines. they like to think that i am lazy and do
>nothing, all i am is tired and sick and cranky and whiny and psycho. and
>then that thread turned into "her tits look like someone put a straw
in
>them and blew" what the fuck??? they are just so hateful. i know my
>tits look like someone blew stuff into them, because that is essentially
>what they did! i know they don't look real! i admit they are not real!
>but WHO THE FUCK CARES WHAT SHAPE MY BREASTS ARE? it's ridiculous. when
>i have my next boob job i'm gonna get square or pryamid shaped breasts.
>i can do what i want. if my breasts aren't real does this mean i am not
>real? and what does this have to do with beinga bit tired after a meal?
>alt.fan.jennicam is interesting to read because it is so utterly hateful
>that i try to understand why.
No, you're weird because you read this newsgroup trying to
figure out why people dislike you. No, wait, not weird. Egotistical and narcicistic.
Yeah, that describes you better. Isn't that indeed why Ana got the implants
in the first place? Because she wants
everyone to look at her?
--
Author: Karde <karde@nospam.nowhere.ca>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
Let me just say I think the bit towards the end by Cryo hits it right on the
head.
The world is against her only because she thinks so
--
Author: Goolia <goolia6@hotmail.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
It's ok now because she and her friends are forming a private little club.
She is pulling farther and farther away from the real world. I'd rather have
a tough time in the real world than surrounding myself with people who only
agree with me.
---
Author: Jeff <Gumper30@hotmail.com>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
On Fri, 01 Dec 2000 00:14:20 GMT, "Goolia" <goolia6@hotmail.com>
wrote:
>It's ok now because she and her friends are forming a private little club.
>She is pulling farther and farther away from the real world. I'd rather
>have a tough time in the real world than surrounding myself with people
who
I've often thought how fortunate Jenni is to have AFJ. She doesn't merit this
much scrutiny - no one does - and at the heart of most of our barbs, I think,
is a concern that she get her shit together.
I'd call it tough love, except I don't even like her.
---
Subject: Re: She thinks I doth protest too much
Date: 12/01/2000
Author: William "The Modern Prometheus" Burke <halfmute@earthlink.net>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
In article <3A26AF47.51063AC8@excite.com>, Corolla Guy
<james_hamil@excite.com> wrote:
>Jeez, and she says we're a hateful bunch
>
>"KaLTHRaX was kicked by AnaBawt (Death to you and all your children.)."
>
>I don't know if anybody bothered to read the whole thing, but it sounds
like
>Ana is pretty damned paranoid and a little delusional...
"U" would be too, if you had fake tits and never left the house because
you were ashamed of them and didn't want folks to laugh at them...
---
Subject: Re: She thinks I doth protest too much
Date: 12/01/2000
Author: William "The Modern Prometheus" Burke <halfmute@earthlink.net>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
In article <3a26eef8.1176025@24.2.9.59>, Gumper30@hotmail.com (Jeff) wrote:
>On Fri, 01 Dec 2000 00:14:20 GMT, "Goolia" <goolia6@hotmail.com>
>wrote:
>
>>It's ok now because she and her friends are forming a private little
club.
>>She is pulling farther and farther away from the real world. I'd rather
>>have a tough time in the real world than surrounding myself with people
who
>
>I've often thought how fortunate Jenni is to have AFJ. She doesn't
>merit this much scrutiny - no one does - and at the heart of most of
>our barbs, I think, is a concern that she get her shit together.
>
>I'd call it tough love, except I don't even like her.
Me either, Gump... I wouldn't piss on her if her heart was on fire.
---
Subject: Re: She thinks I doth protest too much
Date: 12/01/2000
Author: William "The Modern Prometheus" Burke <halfmute@earthlink.net>
<< previous in thread · next in thread >>
In article <w3CV5.32985$nh5.2113079@newsread1.prod.itd.earthlink.net>,
"Goolia" <goolia6@hotmail.com> wrote:
>It's ok now because she and her friends are forming a private little club.
>She is pulling farther and farther away from the real world. I'd rather
>have a tough time in the real world than surrounding myself with people
who
>only agree with me.
>
>
>"Karde" <karde@nospam.nowhere.ca> wrote in message
>news:3A26E9C6.2794C793@nospam.nowhere.ca...
>> Let me just say I think the bit towards the end by Cryo hits it right
on
>> the head.
>> The world is against her only because she thinks so.
Well... in her mind, the world's against her because she's "artistic"
and she's chosen to sport foney titz...
Look... I died my hair purple and indigo, I kinda like it, but I can change
it any day I choose to... and I love my tattoos, done by the daughter of a San
Fran psychedelic poster artist (Kelly/Mouse)... but balloon tits are forever,
or until they pop.
---
Author: William "The Modern Prometheus" Burke <halfmute@earthlink.net>
> No, you're weird because you read this newsgroup trying to
>figure out why people dislike you. No, wait, not weird. Egotistical
>and narcicistic. Yeah, that describes you better. Isn't that indeed
>why Ana got the implants in the first place? Because she wants
>everyone to look at her?
Well, NOW she obviously worries that people think her tits look funny. THEY
DO!
WHAT was she THINKING? It's a bigger decision than getting piercings or tattoos,
I can tell you that.
-----------
Author: William "The Modern Prometheus" Burke <halfmute@earthlink.net>
Ana things we're the Klan; she doesn't realize SHE is.
---