[21 Nov 2001|03:23pm]
i found the software for my scanner. it only works on windows 95 so i have
a computer that is windows 95. but now it still will not work. maybe it's
the cord. who knows? plus the resolution is all wrong on the monitor. really
i've tried it all, so please no advice. i feel like hurling it all out the
window.
the sound of construction outside it grating on my twitchy nerves. i feel
like a am a PMS bomb. i'm trying to diffuse myself. i want to snap my fingers
and have this carpet gone from the living room. i want to snap my fingers
and have everything cleaned, dewed and ironed and all my art projects finiashed
and everything on ebay already sold and shipped that i want to sell. i want
just everything DONE for once and for all.
i am so overwhelmed. all i want to do is drink beer and sit on the couch and stare until it's time to go to bed. but i have no beer. so...i don't know what. i tried for the millionth time to get the scanner to work but no dice.
that's all.
i need to snap out of this.
[21 Nov 2001|07:37pm]
i toook a nap and i must say that right now is the very first really normal
moment i have felt in quite some time. i don't feel overwhelmed and i feel
like everything is going to be ok. i wonder how my body produces seratonin.
i hope it lasts.
[22 Nov 2001|09:52am]
ok, i'm up and awake with my breakfast of diet dr. pepper and an excedrin.
i woke up with a headache like i did yesterday.
bleeding time.
i dreamt i was cleaning this huge huge house and singing hilarious songs to
go with the cleaning process.
somehow the last bit turned more into an opera and i opened my mouth wide
to sing the word "pensicota" ( which was supposed to mean pennsylvania...meaning
that i was cleaning from here to pennsylvania...not literally ), and a mouse
flew in. i was going to pop him out of my mouth in a funny way but he ran
down my throat and got stuck there and i could not pull him out. i was terrified
and mortified! i would be ingesting a live mouse just like a snake and i was
so disgusted and so afraid for both the mouse and i. i could think of nothing
worse. so i thought of the idea to drink so much water that i throw up. so
i drank and drank and put my finger down my throat and i could feel a mouse
bit and it came up but all it was was part of the tail that looked now like
a half eaten drowned earthworm. and then bits of fur and a bit of something
indescribable here and there comes up. it's all too gross. i feel horrible
for the mouse. i feel horrible for me and i hope i don't get worms for this
or some other disease. and weirdly other things i throw up are half sucked
on lifesavers candy of different flavours. and i don't even remember eating
this candy. and i think how is it that a mouse can be dissolved in me within
minutes but lifesavers candy just lives on and on for god knows how long?
and then i think how weird it is that it's LIFESAVERS candy as it didn't save
any lives at all.
anyway, that was a really disgusting dream. and i am so not hungry now for any form of food. ack. i feel like it's still stuck in my throat. i hope that feeling goes away soon because it's making me feel totally anxious.
i woke up just minutes before my alarm was going to go off at 9:30am and then as i was typing this i realized it's thanksgiving today and my dad will be here in 50 minutes and then we are driving down to see my brother. i am just anxious about this all. but i won't go into the why of it all. it'll all be ok. oh ya, wait...i remember now the last time i saw my brother with my dad and now i know why i am so particularily anxious. but that's family biz i can't discuss. but at least i know where it's coming from.
it'll be fine
driving with my dad. i like being in cars and going for drives. it calms me
down usually. i'll probably be home in the afternoon sometime. jason is going
to his parent's. usually that's where i go too.
i can't believe i still have these dredlocks in my hair.
rrrrgh. i just caught sebastian chewing on the fingers of one of my favourite mannequins and now two of her fingernails are totally ruined :(
hopefully the worst of my day is over now and it's only better from here. i'm gonna go take a quick bath and get dressed. at least i don't have to go to church today and can dress casually and won't be around anyone but my dad and my brother so there are no other factors i must consider.
it's funny
'cause i'll bet my dad and my brother both feel the same way about this day,
each in their own way. we are all three very anxious people. i come from an
anxious family.
THANK YOU [22 Nov 2001|10:12am]
thank you for being here :)
[22 Nov 2001|04:52pm]
i'm back from the outting with my dad and my brother. it went really well
:) the drive there and back was beautiful. i love little towns and countryside
:) we ate turkey buffet at a little hometown diner. had coffee and pumpkin
pie. i said i felt we were like the addams family in there, and my dad laughed
since we are three people you'd never see together if it weren't for the fact
that we are afmily :) and what a lovely family we are :)
i got to see my brother's apartment for the first time, and that was a trip
and a half! i will DEFINTELY have to think about it for awhile! how could
i describe it? his decorating sense is ....... very unique! *cough* :) i have
to go back down there and take pictures of it and do some sort of documentary
about my brother. i mean, he is SUCH a character :)
i wish i had taken my camera along. but it was also nice not to think about
it, too and just watch the drive :)
all the xmas decorations are up everywhere now. the grass is still green in
the hills that the cows are grazing on. all the leaves are off. no snow and
it was a nice sunny day about 55 degrees F here. very pleasant :)
now i'm going
to play with the dogs until Survivor comes on. jason is still over at his
parent's for thanksgiving and they haven't started eating yet. a month from
today will be the shortest day of the year.
i can't wait for the days to start getting longer. it feel like NIGHT here
and it's only 5pm.
[22 Nov 2001|06:29pm]
i've started tearing the carpetting up! there's no turning back now! pray
for me! :)
[22 Nov 2001|07:31pm]
i thought maybe i'd be bummed and freaked out once i started taking the carpet
out. that it would make everything so ugly and disorganized that i would be
even more overwhelmed than when it was on. but i don't. i feel a sense of
relief. and i have a sense of moving forward and getting rid of heavy things
i don't need filled with dust and dirt from god knows what. i feel like getting
rid of EVERYTHING right now.
i'm watching
survivor, too.
[22 Nov 2001|08:03pm]
it's already getting more echoey in here :) and it feels more like the warehouse
it once was :) mmmmmm :) i feel free to splatter paint everywhere :) the dogs
are hyper :) i think i'll have another dr. pepper :)
[22 Nov 2001|09:22pm]
i feel good. i feel that i am starting out in a positive direction to getting
my house in order. i need to get all my furniture on wheels so that when i
have all concrete flors i can whisk things where ever i need them to be. i
can also then finally rollerskate IN my house which has always been this dream
of mine :)
even tho my house is in disarray right now and i'll have to sleep on the little
couch 'cause i put my bed up against the wall. i just feel so good that i'm
going to be living in a space that works FOR me and that i am not creating
DESPITE my environment :)
aaaaa :)
and my body
is also getting more in order. i was being pretty crappy to my body the last
month but i've been better in the last few days, and just that has made SO
much of a difference in my mood. i feel NORMAL today. it's so GREAT to feel
NORMAL! normal almost feels like elation :)
[22 Nov 2001|10:55pm]
instead of red floors, i am thinking now of maybe doing a pinkish watercoloury
wash with glitter powder instead. because i like seeing the cracks of the
cement and stuff.
david letterman is in the background as i do this.
[23 Nov 2001|12:01am]
i feel content right now.
thank you universe for this feeling of contentment :)
i am now going to snuggle onto my couch. i'm freshly bathed. and watch late
night tv until i fall asleep.
the keys on my keyboard echo in my 1/2 uncarpeted room.
i never knew so much negative stagnant energy lay in the carpaet. WOW!
i am excited to wake up tomorrow and remove more of it :)
nighty nite :)
i'm a very very lucky girl :) as ducky would say, " i'm rich!" :)
[24 Nov 2001|05:04pm]
painted my floor red some more. i am really liking it :) now i'm taking a
break and then i'll take a bath and then go out to dinner with jason and see
the harry potter movie. that's the plan as of now. i hope my headache that
i've had for 2 days now will soon go away. i hope the place isn't too packed,
i'm not in the mood to be around a ton of people today. or even a small amount
of people but these tickets to the movie were bought in advance. i didn't
even know you could by advance tickets to a movie. i haven't been to a movie
theater in ages.
i wonder how my life will change as i live in a place that has a red floor
and no carpeting. i am very interested in how colour affects people and the
whole feng shui thing ( as you've gathered ). i wish i had a ton of energy
to do a whole bunch of stuff right now. but it's rainy and the sun is almost
down and i have my period.
it feels like a sunday.
i still have yet to rip the carpet out of the hallways. but i think i'll leave
the carpetting in the two bedrooms. in the future, i want to move my piano
out into this big room. it needs to be out here, i think.
i want to paint my walls silver.
[24 Nov 2001|07:28pm]
when i come home maybe i'll paint my floor more. OR i'll paint that grey couch.
i'm going to paint that little grey the same red as the floor. i think that
will look very suave :)
i've been sleeping at jason's because my bed is up against the wall. i wish
i didn't need a bed. i have SO much more room in here without it.
i have so many pictures to sort through for another anagram..it's gonna take
a bit of time...
ok, i've made a bath. gonna go quickly wash all this grime off of me from the last 2 days :) mmmmm :)
anyone know
of where on the net i can buy some red vinyl fabric that i can make pillow
cushions out of for my couch? i want vinyl so dog fur will not stick to it.
my house is ALL about not having dog fur stick to ANYTHING :)
i suppose satin would work, too.
[25 Nov 2001|04:12pm]
i'm taking my extensions out. depressing. but it has to be done :/
i can't reach the back of my head to get all of it out :( i feel so ugly with
my hair like this. i can't wait until i can get the extensions put back in
but that won't be until january , i think. :/ *meow*
i'm doing this in the bathroom while the paint dries out in the livingroom.
out with the old...in with the new. awkward.
nice how they
let us know that they are cloning humans ( you KNOW they've been doing that
for QUITE some time ). nnice how they just kinda whisper it or link to it
way at the bottom in the tiniest font. how convenient they have a war going
on right now so that we aren't thinking about that as much.
it was inevitable anyway.
i just want
to clone my pookdog!
it's time for some coffee
having a red floor reallyu makes it a lot darker in here, but not dark in
a gloomy way. it's a warm feeling. i just need more lamps now.
i have so much i have to get done today!