analog 112101


wiggity wiggity
[19 Nov 2001|03:25pm]
hi :) sorry, when i was at jason's the dogs unplugged my computer...but it's back on now, tho still pointed at the tv because i just walked in the door and i'm still getting things settled and getting my computer back up.

i might go back up to jason's for another day because i am just really anxious as i ran out of my klonopin 3 days ago because i failed to see that the bottle said no refills.

so i have to call my dr. today and make an apt. i have no idea when i'll get to see him but i hope it's soon because i feel like i want to jump right out of my skin. my hands are all shaky and typing is uncomfortable and hard for me to do when i'm like this. everything i touch feels icky to me. i wish i could just be suspended in the air.

but i already am too floaty as it is. i need some grounding. i just made a bath and i'm going to get in it after i type this. and then i need to get to the store for some food 'cause i haven't eaten much with my anxiety.

and the other day i really burned the roof of my mouth badly...right behind my 2 front teeth where the teeth connect to the gums. and now my gums are hurt and there's a blister. it's all in a strategic spot that i can't all the way close my mouth, so i end up having a really tense jaw which then leads to my whole head hurting and my whole body is so tense. i'm periodically rinsing my mouth with hydrogen peroxide and/or listerine

i really do just want to jump out of my skin. i can't even bare to touch the dogs right now. everything is just too much and my mind is going a mile a minute round and round getting stuck on stupid things and then repeating them in a nonsensical loop. it's a circus nightmare in my head.

so, i'm going to call my dr. then soak in the bath and then maybe go back up to jason's where i can watch cable tv which is the only thing that makes my mind stop going in circles. or at least it's louder than the millions of spinning plates dancing on my electrodes.

eep.

oh and btw, i think the pup should be called "bug" :)

p.s. please do not give me any advice whatsoever about medications. i am not writing this to get advice. i'm writing this because this is my journal and i write what is happening to me here. that is all. no advice. please please. thank you :)


4:30pm [19 Nov 2001|05:53pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

i wrote this at 4:30 pm, but my computer's year in 1999 by mistake:

oy! how much work does it take to make a bath and get the cam in the bathroom for me today? FOREVER!
plus i bit my tongue now, too :(
my heater has all of a sudden stopped working, too. not good. i turned on the electric oven. the pharmacy called and they got a hold of my dr. and so i got a refill!

i only slept 4 hours last night and 2 hours the night before and two hours the night before that! i am exhausted and wired and wobbily. one last thing to do before i get in the tub and that is to get a coke.

soon i will be clean, full, sedate, in jason's warm bed watching cable tv and then actually SLEEPING! YAY! then i'm sure i'll feel a WHOLE lot better after i get some sleep.

sleep deprivation is a very trippy thing. the shadows at night are 5 dimensional! and that's not a very good thing when you're edgy.

quick tip: NEVER take neurontin and nyquil or thera flu together. scary!



has any one see that movie called "Bamboozled" by spike lee?
[19 Nov 2001|06:17pm]
man, am i ever a puffed up bloatation device. the time to bleed and release is near!
the last time i got my period i was on that sally jesse raphael show ( which i have no idea when it will air, if ever..i hope the latter )
i THOUGHT i was moving into a positive direction when i did that because i THOUGHT i knew what i was getting into but i was wrong. that was an energy sucking setback for me but then i thought, ah...i'll be hanging out with the tori amos crew in new orleans in afew days and my energy will be replenished! wrong again.
setback to square one as far as self esteem and thinking i knew what i thought.
not gonna talk about that one, not for awhile at least. that one has to stew awhile.

these two events basically ruined my entire november. turning me into a nervous, reclusive, bitter, cynical , scared and angry person who thought that maybe it was all my fault somehow.

but fuck that way of thinking now. been there. done that. it was not my fault that certain people were abusive to me. it's not my fault i was lied to and belittled and manhandled. it's not my fault certain people were playing mind games because they did not have the strength to truly shine their souls. it's just not my fault. there is no lesson to learn from this but "it's not my fault" "shit happens" and "lay on the ground and bleed awhile, pick yourself up finally when you can, and then move on through it.

'cause if i let them get me down because of their own insecurities..well...then it's just telling the terrorists that they've won.

i wish the world really WOULD crack down on ALL forms of terrorism. i've got a whole rant on that, but i'm not even going to get started on that one yet.

oh and has any one see that movie called "Bamboozled" by spike lee?
i saw it last night and i was absolutely riveted by it and i really must watch it again to be able to speak about it yet. i think it's amazing! a very different sort of movie!

jason is gonna take me to get my meds in an hour :) purr :)

[20 Nov 2001|12:34pm]
after i took my bath last night, jason took me to the store and then we went straight back to his house. i finally got a lot of sleep so that was a very good thing :)
when i get back to my house i'm going to take a LOT of echinacea. my immune system doesn't seem to be working full speed ahead.
it's nice not to feel wiggity woobily dizzy or anxious :)

i'm drinking dr. pepper trying to get my juices flowing then i hope to god i get on a cleaning spree. and i also want to get a new anagram put together.

i hope that when i get back to my house i find that my heater started working again, or i'll have to deal with that, too.

more later...still groggy...the cam should start updating again soon. when i leave the house the dogs have a tendency to unplug my computer. i think that 'cause they don't want me to see what they're up to!

[21 Nov 2001|01:51pm]
trying to get back to normal here. stayed in bed at jason's for 3 days watching cable tv waiting for my meds to stablize me. i am almost stablized now, i think. i don't look forward to cleaning the house. i don't look forward to thanksgiving either. i still feel just like being by myself and picking up the pieces.
i got back to a somewhat normal sleeping schedule. got up today at 10:30am. i have diet dr pepper. i have my period. my bloatation is going down a bit. my face is breaking out but not so bad as it was. tomorrow i go with my dad for thanksgiving. he usually would always do thanksgiving with my aunt but now that she is dead i am taking her place. i think we are driving down to see my brother, too. should be interesting.
i think i like holidays less and less each year. i don't know why. i guess i just don't like being "forced" to expect something from a day. i like the day to just be whatever it's going to be. and despite any holiday, it usually does just that.
i'm just so very glad that i'm more grounded right now, because i a few days ago there is no way i could have done anything for any holiday at all. and i hope that tomorrow doesn't wig me out because i need NO more wiggy events in my life. nada. i don't think anything will be wiggy because my dad hates wigginess and so does my brother. so no wigginess will happen, i'm sure. it just all lies not-so-quietly under the surface of repression.

i don't feel social. i don't know what i feel like doing, but it has nothing to do with socialness. and i don't have much to type about that either. this is all pretty boring so i'll end it here. just gonna get on with my day now...whatever that happens to be or mean...