[11 Nov 2001|10:24am]
dum ditty dum.
[11 Nov 2001|11:18am]
the dogs are eating squash and making a mess.
i'm wandering around trying to clean and listening to Miss E
i want to sell stuff on ebay but packaging it up and sending it is such a
hassle
interesting
discussion here
[11 Nov 2001|11:55am]
my brain is less foggy today. i feel more awake. but i still am having a lot
of trouble starting on any project or deciding what project to start.
[11 Nov 2001|11:56am]
hey kiitos, send email me your phone # again, i can't find it :/
[11 Nov 2001|11:59am]
fuck it, i don't want to sell anything on ebay. i LOVE all my stuff and all
my stuff loves me :)
[11 Nov 2001|12:03pm]
i would love this Miss E cd SO much better if there wasn't any annoying man
rapping on it. who IS that annoying rapping man on this cd...and why is he
on EVERY single R&B song i love that has a female singer on it? i vote
for getting off annoying male rappers off otherwise really fine songs.
like that guy in the sugarcubes that would yell and whine over all the yummy
songs. remember that guy? he annoyed the hell out of me. i am so glad that
he is not on any bjork songs.
[11 Nov 2001|12:10pm]
4 1/2 hours until i go to jason's mom's birthday dinner. jason's parent's
love me. it's so weird. i am so not used to any parent's liking me.
my mom said she was jealous that i liked to be around my boyfriend's parents
more than i liked being around her. it's just 'cause jason's parent's accept
me for who i am.
but i think my mom is finally getting that message. she promised me not to
be judgemental anymore. she realizes that's bad. she says she is going to
"change her wicked ways" i love my mom, i really do. i hope that
things get better for us.
pooka is making little crying sounds as he tries to make a nest on the couch
so he can eat his squash without the other dogs stealing his squash. my dogs
love vegetables. they really love cauliflower.
they all hate soy sauce tho, and miso soup. they like to eat gummi worms.
and they also like soap. they do not like beer.
time to put on a new cd.
[11 Nov 2001|12:16pm]
time to listen to hole.
i love courtney love and anyone who doesn't love her can just kiss my ass.
anyone who loves her may also kiss my ass if they want to. :)
[11 Nov 2001|12:36pm]
are there any more MTF or FTM out there on LJ? i am very interested!
also, any crossdressers that like to go out with women only?
or hermaphrodites?
i would like to hear your stories :)
VERY
VERY INTERESTING DISCUSSION HERE
[11 Nov 2001|12:39pm]
oh wait, i know why i'm hyper...i took a xenadrine! *bing*
ya ya ya, don't give me a lecture on those...i only take about 2 a month
[11 Nov 2001|12:44pm]
i want to own every single thing annie sprinkle and dame d'arcy ever made.
i have the annie sprinkle cards, post porn modernist book, and her limited
edition dildo is on the way!!
of dame d'arcy i THINK i have all the meatcake comics...but i gotta get all
her singles and videos and dolls!
i can't wait until i have $ again!
anyone ever hear of the english band "The Prisoners: from the 80's? i have everything they've ever put out except one single. i even got to see them live twice when i was in england long long ago. i heard graham day is now a fireman. i'd like to know if this is true.
my song "where is day?" was originally going to be about him.
[11 Nov 2001|01:17pm]
i don't think the hair under my dreds is salvagable. i might just have to
leave these dreds in forever or go bald!
i wish i would put my LJ typing energy into cleaning my house.
for those into fashion...especially new wave, punk, japanese deconstructivist, playful....a highly recommend getting the book called "Fruits"
and does anyone know of websites for deconstrucivist clothing and also where to buy it?
------
the very very interesting discussion:
ana:
do you know of a place on the net where there are before and after pix or transitional pix of MTF and FTM? i am really interested in seeing the process, too. i am also interested in when females go to males...do they feel more safe? like not getting hit on, sexually harrassed...able to walk the streets without fear of rape? and what they notice as to how society treats them differently? and with MTF ....do they notice an increase in being sexually harrassed? how do they deal with the fear of being raoed when before this was not as big an issue? how do they feel about going from a more "powerful" gender to a less powerful one ( as in the way society sees it ). were they prepared for this? and if so...was the THINKING they knew what it was like to the actual reality of the situation different?
thingie:
actually, I felt safer on the streets as a woman. its kind of complicated to go into, but its about male posturing. If you are a woman, you can stare at a guy and he will just not care or think you dig him. If you stare at a guy as a guy, there is instant antagonism, cause its almost like a challenge. "what the fuck you starin at man? you got a fuckin problem or something?" Unless of course, you are in a space where guys are cruising each other, then they view it as an advance. The antagonistic situation can also view it that way, which can leads to all sorts of trouble if they think you are cruising THEM. I always make sure never to look dudes in the eye and stuff when im walking around. I also live in a pretty macho neighborhood. Lots of Latino gangbangers who are all about machismo. Its a testosterone alley. That doesnt mean that women arent still more likely to be victimized because they are. The issue with men is a whole different dynamic. As for MTF, I dunno... Oh, BTW, testosterone makes your clit big. It rocks. (but still wish it was bigger. yeah, now I have to get in line with all the other guys who feel that way. But Im sure theyll give me cuts if I drop trou in front of them. "Oh, man, here. go first. You really need it")
ana:
how big? mine is super teeny tiny
thingie:
You know, Ive never really measured it. Maybe about an inch soft, and two hard. But keep in mind that it doesnt stick out like a dick does because we are missing the part of the penis that makes it stand up, and there is also a muscle that pulls the clit in to the body. The meditoidialplasty snips that muscle so there is more separation from the body when it gets hard. But penetration is very very rare. It also depends on where your clit is located. Some women's are further back, and some are up front.
I will say this: Ive heard guys mention that it feels good to lay down on their stomach and sometimes it gets them hard. I had to get down on the floor yesterday for something and noticed that my clit hit the linoleum. (clothed of course) I was like "woo hoo! Ive moved from pillows to linoleum!" and yeah, it does get you horny.
Actually, its probably more like an inch and a half at most when hard. Its kind of difficult to measure because you dont really know where its base starts. Its weird to explain if someone hasnt seen it.
ana:
2
inches! how big was it before testosterone? you can see how tiny my clit is
here:
http://www.anacam.com/rightframe.htm
the third picture from the left on the top on the menu. it's barely visible
under my hood there. people often wonder what that is a picture of.
did you know that the clit actually goes way inside and has so many nerves that it has yards and yards of nerves that surround the uterus? it's actually quite a huge thing!
thingie:
That may explain the multiples (referring to my, ana, multiple orgasms ), since its the same amount of nerves in a smaller area.. more sensitive. Mine was pretty big even before I started testosterone. I thought it was cause I played with it a lot. :)~
ana:
i always thought having a bigger clit would mean it was MORE sensitive
thingie:
nope. its the same amount of nerves. I believe mens penises also have the same amount, spread over that whole area. This could help explain why men are extra hard on the clit the first time they play with one, cause their trying to relate it to how their dick feels.
ana:
i would be interested to find out hwo many nerves are in a penis as opposed to a clit. is there the same amount of nerves in each and every clit and penis, i wonder?
katt:
Oh, is that why? I've always wondered about that. I also think it's because men can be stimulated/get hard by physical contact directly to the penis. But for women, at least for me, I don't want my clit touched until it is hard and I'm aroused. Otherwise it's just painful. I hate guys who think foreplay consists of immediate oral sex concentrated on the clit. And no matter how many times I tell him, my husband still comes in under the hood and my whole body jumps like I got an electric shock (this is not a good thing). And I tell him not to do that, but he forgets :P
thingie:
re: pictures. The surgeon I want to go to has some. but only one example for each procedure http://www.drpeggyching.com/procedures.html Also, she only does chest. no lower, so there arent any examples of that. Are you familiar with Loren Cameron? He is an FTM photographer who published a book called Body Alchemy. He has several examples of each type of upper and lower surgery. (including the hideous phalloplasty... aaggh those things look horrible. but its all about what the person whos going to be stuck with it wants, so if they want it, go for it.) Try to see if you an wrangle a copy. It should be in any gay/lesbian bookstore. I also think Stacy has a copy. I wish I could help with the MTF side, as I have seen surgical procedures for that, but it was from library books a looooong loooong time ago.
ana:
what's phalloplasty? i'm gonna look for that book on ebay :)
thingie:
old school. the way theyve done it for years. take a graft from part of your body like an arm or a leg, grow it out with a bladder. Then harvest it, roll it into something that looks nothing like a dick, and stick it on your clit. FTMs who get this procedure are also prone to UTIs a lot, because it is very difficult to structure a urinary tract. ours goes DOWN, so in order to come out of the penis, is needs to be at a right angle to your urethra. Also, the area where the graft was harvested looks horrid. Ive seen some real nasty butcherings. But Im all about the meditoidalplasty. I have no idea why FTMs get balls, though. MEN dont even like having them. I despise excess luggage. Besides, Im not going to do anything that blocks the opening to my cunt. Im a pervert first, trannie second. aint broke, i aint fixin it thank you very much.
ana:
ok...what's "meditoidalplasty" i like balls. they feel cool :)
thingie:
I mentioned it in the thread about phalloplasty. but it was kinda buried in there. They snip the muscle underneath the clit that holds it close to the body, so it sticks out more when you get hard. re balls: yeah, but youve never had to wear them between your legs in the summer. :)
ceridwyn:
wow - i hate to butt into your conversation here...but i just looked at the mtf breast job and that is fantastic....what a wonderful surgeon. i'd like to get onto the topic of clit size...but i am more concerned with my son and wonder if you know any guys that had strong feeling about 'wanting to be a girl' since childhood. this is something that i am totally supportive of, but i am scared for him all at the same time, which is why i don't really talk about it in my journal. he's five and a half now and we first noticed his liking 'girlie' things when he was nine months old. since then he has done everything from playing with barbies to wearing my heels and putting on my lipstick. he, at age two, used to argue with people that he was indeed a girl, and not a boy. most recently he has done things like tried to pull his tiny leg hairs out (and when asked why, he told my grandma 'i don't want hairy legs, but my mommy told me only girls shave their legs - so i'm plucking them') and telling me that maybe we can find god and ask him why i'm not skinnier and why he's not a girl. he is very angry inside that he was born a boy, and i feel at fault because i just knew i was having a girl while i was pregnant...and i even told two of my friends (gay men that were involved with each other)that if i didn't have a girl, it would be a queen...and lo and behold i think that's what the power of my thoughts has created. he loves to play dress up and have his fingernails painted - the boy is more feminine than me!!! so...sorry this was so long...but i am just trying to seek some opinions of outsiders because me and my family have already drawn our own conclusions. i don't think he's going to be gay, necessarily, but i don't think this is just a phase, either
thingie:
oh hon, please dont feel that it was something you did. Its not something that can be thrust upon a person, it just is. I just have a feeling that you had very good perception of your child when you were still pregnant. Nobody knows what causes transsexuality. Some people think is has to do with "mosaiced" chromosones, whatever the fuck those are. Others say it has to do with whether the hy antigen is positive or negative. (dont ask me, I dont know which is which and I also dont know what the hy antigen is.) But most people agree that it is biological. The child was inside you, you could have simply been sensing that. Or, if you want to come at it from the "soul" angle, you were in tune with your childs soul. I personally think this kid lucked out big time parents wise. I dont know if your son is actuallly a transsexual or not, but I feel that it is important for him to come to those conclusions on his own. So its important at this stage not to try to influence him one way or the other. As for the behavior, obviously he shouldnt be chastised for it or anything. Not that you would. Im just thinking what some options are so he doesnt hurt himself pulling out all those hairs. That cant possibly be comfortable. And he is far to young to shave. Maybe you could try some of that epil-stop spray? I have no idea if it works or not, but its not invaisive, and is supposedly good and retarding the hair to regrow. But I would suggest that before you do this talk with your son and ask him if he wants to continue to do it, and if he would like mommy to help him with this. and of course, when he plays dress up, let him do whatever he wants.. have costumes that represent both sexes, so he can choose what feels best for him. I always worry about school, though. Im starting to become a big advocate of home schooling. Since extraordinary children are often picked on mercilessly. Hell, the neo-nazis are allowed to home school, why cant we? Or maybe a co-operative type of school. I went to a preschool like that. (what can I say? it was the 70s) God you are so super cool about this. Maybe PFLAG could help? they also address transgender issues, I think. maybe they could come up with some suggestions. I always felt it was important to let your kid be who they are going to be anyways, regardless of what their gender or sexual orientation is. Its just an overall good practice, IMO.
ceridwyn:
thanks:) yeah...when i told him he couldn't shave it wasn't because he was boy, but rather a 'little boy' and whenever he wants an expensive dress i tell him 'baby, when you're old enough to buy it than you can because mommy can't afford it' but i do provide him with dress up clothes of all kinds...so i guess i'm on the right track there. he has wizard gowns and robes, batman capes, peter pan and then mommy's dresses. it may freak me out if he wanted to wear my panties...haha, just kidding. that epil-stop sounds like a wonderful idea, even though my baby really isn't that hairy. he's just so funny, so if he ever brings it up again i will keep that in mind and go get some. or i can get some nads...oooh pain...sorry. i'm being silly now. i always wanted to homeschool, for my own reasons and then these ones. but because of certain circumstances i had to start him in kindergarten this year. he has friends, but one day he came home and said 'some kids called me a girl because i was playing hopscotch'. he said it so matter-of-factly and it didn't seem to bother him. until the day we forgot to remove the nailpolish and he came home saying that again he was laughed at and called a 'girl'...so now he remembers to break out the nailpoish remover before school:) there are so many other reasons now that public school is freaking me out (like secure lock down drills and shit) so i may withdraw him real soon...or maybe i'll let him finish kindergarten. i don't know...but i just want to keep him safe. not sheltered, but safe. he knows what assholes people can be, but we're so open about things that he watches Ma Vie En Rose with me. yeah i think my baby lucked out *he has me and my supportive mom and my grandma*...and thankfully his dad is out of the picture.
thingie:
Everybody says kids are cruel but my argument is where do they learn it from? They have no inherent understanding of gender. How do they know that hopscotch is for girls? and even if it was from observing girls playing it, how would they have come up with it as a negative association. They're already sexist and they are only five, I dont think they came up with it themselves. Which reinforces my belief that there are a lot of people out there who just should not fucking have kids.
ceridwyn:
you are so correct. i learned a lot (well, no i didn't) in my gender communications class...i think my son was 2 when i was enrolled in that class...and it helped me a lot to know that every thing i was and every thing i thought was fed into me. it wasn't innate, it was learned and it makes me sick. that we have these roles, even today and we have these ideals of what's wrong and right based on your gender...but ack. here i go again.
thingie:
I just remembered something. Discovery plays this documentary every so often, but it does seem to be played regularly. I think A&E, and TLC also show it. It was originally from HBO, and its called "what sex am i?" They dont show any graphic surgery details, I dont think. But seriously see if you can get a copy of the video. its edited on network, of course. Its a wonderful documentary. My friend Matt knows the guy named Stephen whos in there. If I find out anything before you do, Ill post.
ana:
i have seen that documentary several times. it's a wonderful documentary. i wish there were more of them they'd play on tv!
estradiol:
I'm a crossdresser (though not in public), and would much rather be a woman than a man. I hate my body the way it is now. When I sleep, I frequently dream that I'm female and that's been true since I was a child. I'm not sexually attracted to men, and only very rarely am attracted to women either. That's only partly due to the gender thing.
ceridwyn:
oh wow...i should have posted my last comment to you, however you hadn't commented yet:) you say you've felt this way since you were a child and that you are not attracted to men. maybe (if you wouldn't mind) you could e-mail me or something because my five year old son really thinks he should have been a girl and has a lot of confusion and anger inside his heart. i allow him to play dress up and play with barbies and such, but he's finally realized that society doesn't like to see that in public and i'm torn with my acceptance of it and others' intolerance. i know i can't put a stop to it or hinder his feelings, and so i don't i'ma pretty open parent, and my son even tells me that i dress like a buy and he hates it. one night a friend of mine slept over (and he was in my bed) so when my son came in there the next morning he was like 'who's that in your bed? you shouldn't have boys in your bed' and i said 'it's just anthony' and my son said 'oh, okay, you have gay boys in your bed'....i had to laugh but i don't even know how he knows what 'gay' is...i mean he's been around my ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends, but i never thought he knew that these girls were my girlfriends. anyway...i don't know what to do or how to help him accept himself and love himself and embrace his feelings. i can only hope that having an accepting mother and grandmother will help him be the best at whatever he does. i know a lot of people that can't express themselves aroujnd their family and that has to be hard.
ana:
it is really wonderful that your son has you as a mother! i don't know if my advice is worth much since i am not a mother, but i would think the best thing to giev your son is love and acceptance for who he is and also telling him that he is not alone in how he feels
ceridwyn:
thank you:) any advice from people that are also accepting helps me every day. we have been very lucky for the most part, i have had accepting friends and family members, as well. we did have some shitty neighbors once, but they were white trash jerry springer candidates...so i just had my son stop playing with their redneck kids. i hate to sound stereotypical but they were people that were raised with hatred for gays and blacks...those kind of rednecks.
estradiol:
I don't know what to tell you, honestly. I'm very miserable the way I am, so I'm not exactly an expert on how to deal with this whole thing myself.
ceridwyn:
oh, wow...i'm sorry. this is exactly what i want to avoid with my son...i'm sorry, again. thanks for at least being able to leave a comment in ana's journal showing a little bit of your pain. i know no one can make it better for you...but i'd support ya!
estradiol:
A lot of people whose gender identity doesn't match their body are really conflicted about it. I can't even deal with it during therapy. The fact that I'm completely anonymous here makes it possible for me to talk about it a little. I'm using a different LJ account so I don't have to be "out".
ceridwyn:
that's cool. i totally understand. at least you have found somewhat of an outlet.
thingie:
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. This is very common for transgendered people who were born men. I feel for you. I know that it is difficult for you to dress as yourself in public, but are you considering transitioning in the future? I am not making a judgement call either way, Im simply curious as to if you are creating a plan for yourself to do so. This is why I despise how our system works in terms of surgery and hormone therapy. You have to be diagnosed, and are required to live as the opposite sex for a year prior. Im sure you know how incredibly difficult and painful this proposition is. It is absolutely terrifying AND I think it is downright sadistic and unnecessary. I remember resenting the fact that I had to go to a doctor just so he could tell me what I already know. or worse yet, try to convince him. I believe in informed consent. You sign a piece of paper saying you know the risks, etc, and THATS it. No doing the year prior thing. You go into surgery one day, and come out a woman. I know its not that immediate, but my point is that I feel that the faster we can expedite this process, the less we are going to have to suffer. I love what Renee Richards did. She left the country as Richard and came back as Renee. fucking fabulous. There are a lot of countries that dont have the restrictions we do. I hear Sweden is actually the originator of the sex change operation. However, depending on your income, this may be unfeasible. But if you can swing it, and desire to protect your secrecy, try to get it in another country. (that is known for doing it well) I dont want to come off sounding like I think you should or should not go through transition, that is a decision only you can make. I think its important that you are able to process only what you can to deal with at a given time. Nobody can jump beyond their own development. I also think that it is important to remind yourself that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. I DO reccomend, if you are up to it, trying to find groups in your area. There are circles where men in your situation, i.e. they can only be themselves at home, "in the closet" can gather to socialize, talk about relevant problems regarding their situation, and basically just be able to be themselves. You walk in with your normal street clothes, and change there. This way you can be around others who are in your situation, and protect your anonymity. There is the whole spectrum of people in there. There are transvestites, cross dressers, transsexuals, etc. I think it is important that you dont go through this by yourself, because you dont have to. I would try to contact some gay and lesbian orginizations in your area, as they may have information as to the names of the groups and how to get in touch with them. They dont exactly advertise. I want to say that even if you live in a small town, there will be one, but I cant be sure. I WILL say that they are WAY more prolific than anyone would think. I used to go to one when I was in Syracuse, and thats a pretty crappy town. I do want to mention one thing, because I think its incredibly important. Should you decide to go through hormone therapy, there is the option to go on depo-provera in addition to estrogen. DO NOT take the depo-provera, as it can cause severe psychotic episodes in men and women, involving complete disassociation and suicidal tendencies. There is no reason to have progesterone in your body. It is only used for the purpose of the woman's reproductive cycle. Estrogen is all you need, and you will start to notice a difference soon, even if it is not visible, you will FEEL it. Dont ever let a doctor try to bully you into taking depo. I want to let you know that I understand SO much how painful it is. I am starting to feel the sting myself, after years of being ok with not being able to get my chest surgery right away. It hurts more each day. You will be in my thoughts.
I dont want to sound presumptuous, but I really wanted to check up on that year thing for you, because I dont want to scare you and inadvertantely influence you one way or the other. The Tom Waddel clinic in San Francisco requires no paperwork or diagnosis for you to be eligable for hormone therapy, if you choose to have it. You also dont have to live as a womaan for a year, or anything. I just didnt want my previous post to sound too alarmist. So there are places that will not put you through your paces. I know this is totally a cart before the horse type situation, but I want to make sure that I give you correct information. The last thing I want to do is make you more afraid.
ana:
how DO you convince a doctor that the sex you are is not the sex you are? what sort of thinsg do they look for and what do you say to convince them?? it seems just ridiculous that you have to CONVINCE a doctor. and i agree with what you said about living as a man or a woman for a year! as i wrote in your most recent LJ entry: "the thing that gets me is how DO you live as a man for a whole year? what constitutes "living as a man" and what constitutes "living as a woman"? what...like to live like a man you have to watch football and to live as a woman you have to bake cakes? what the fuck? and what if you want to be a man...and you are a woman...but you want to be a transvestite? so basically if you are a woman...you are already living like a transvestite man...in a way... i mean...where are the options? why do people think so narrowly??"