[05 Nov
2001|11:54am]
i'm listening to remixes of madonna's "music" song
and boiling beets.
the dogs are eating carrots
i'm taking pictures of lettuce and dolls
i have so many vegetables to take pix of, i dunno if i can get it all done
AND eat them!
when i go to the farmers market ( i went for the first time this year...i
know...pathetic )
the give you such HUGE barrels of vegetables...it's better for a family.
i wish my friends were over here to eat a big salad right now out of all of
this
and dance to madonna and rip out my carpeting.
i feel better today than i have in the last few days. it's sunny and gorgeous
outside.
i'm still
not over the whole new orleans deal. there was a person there who was very
nice to me and then on the last day switched into some sort of cruel werewolf
and hurt me very deeply. i have at least gotten to the point where i am not
blaming myself for it now...sort of. it was all so crazy. it didn't make any
sense that this person would just switch personalities on me like that. or
i guess i just didn't know this person well enough. anyway...it really hurt
me deeply and it remains unresolved and this person will not call me back...i
hope they will at some point because i would really like to know what in the
heck happened and why things ended up why they did. i am so very deeply hurt
i cannot even stand it.
and then my mom enteres my mind every 5 minutes.
it seems that i open up to make friends and almost every time they end up freaking out on me and saying very cruel things that make no sense and then chopping me out of their life with no explanations whatsoever.
there are
friends of mine, who haven't done this, and god bless them!
i have to concentrate on that! i must eat vegetables and dance and shake it
out of me
and concentrate on my GOOD friends who do NOT wig out on me and stab me in
the heart.
THANK YOU
TO MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[05 Nov 2001|02:07pm]
my pxl 2000 came :)
and i am listening to a song called "glimmer" by john foxx that
i have never heard from 1980 off a double vinyl single set i got for 3 bucks
:)
metamatic is my fave john foxx album, one of my most fave albums EVER.
now i get to hear, "glimmer", "mr. no" and "this
city"...from this single "no one driving"...i have never heard
these 3 songs before :)
for the people who don't know who john foxx is, he was the lead singer of ultravox for the first 3 ultravox records...it was at their album Vienna that midge ure stepped in.
then john foxx made a record called "metamatic" which was gary numan's greatest influence ( as far as i can tell )
ooo, i can't tell you what it's like to hear 3 new john foxx songs from this era of him! JOY! *bliss* :)
i want to
cover " i want to be a machine" from ultravox's first album :)
[05 Nov 2001|03:53pm]
it's so weird that my aunt is dead. i fiddle around with her old cutlery and
electric mixer and candy thermometer and bottle top opener...some things still
in the package they came in because she was so highly organized. packaging
from so long ago that was sent to her...a 4 cent stamp. the package advises
you to keep the package to store this little device that was to revoltionalize
how fast whipping cream would take to whip. only 15 seconds and 2 seconds
to sterilize it!
so cute and precious and such a different world back then. i want to transport
myself back there...but if i did i would certainly be sent to a mental instituation.
i don't know where i'd fit into that world where a woman's "role"
was such a fixed thinhg. actually it's NOT that much different from today.
people still think i'm crazy and belong in a mental institution. no doubt
i've been in many in "past" lives. it would be so easy and convenient
to just check myself into one. i have to struggle to not give into the easy
solution of saying " ok, just take me away then!"
i see myself staring out so many windows from so many instituations in my
lives. sometimes it's a peaceful memory...but bittersweet...sometimes it's
hell. sometimes i'd do anything to get out and sometimes i'd do anything to
stay in.
the sun is
going down already. my cam is taking pictures of apples i bought from the
farmers market. i wish i had an old victrola.
i do have a very old streo system that plays 33, 45 and 78. what a great thing
it is. oh, and it also plays ( sort of ) 8 tracks!
i'm listening to street noise and ruckety trucks ckanking their wya around
and the buzz zip of motorcycles. all of a sudden i am transported to every
place i've ever lived as that familiar sound connects all these moments together.
the dogs are laying lo sleepy po. dusk. wish i had some coffee. wish i had a wife baking things right now wearing a cute little apron and singing away in an old fashioned kitchen and i had coffee and a beat up old leather chair to sit in and my sleepy po dogs would bring me my slippers and tonight we would listen to the radio to our favourite radio programme and wonder about the future.
here i am
in the future. i still have sleepy po dogs and i do own some mighty nice aprons.
i have apples i could bake...with cinnamon. i want everything to look and
feel like the 40's right now. i want old curtains with giant floral designs
on them and tea pots and science fiction radio shows and curvy future looking
stoves with space rocket type dials made of heavy heavy plastic. i want clunky
bake-o-lite jewelry on my wrists and bobby pins in my hair.
i want to know the world my mom and dad saw. i want my dad to come in from
farming and wash his hands while i play with my new erector set. i want to
go feed the chickens in the barn and wait for the tom cats to come out for
left over dinner scraps.
i miss my
grandpa's farm. i miss my grandpa.
i miss my aunt with her perfect grammar and well rounded well traveled sense
about her always smelling so nice and always so graceful and always with an
opinion and a story about everything.
and now i just tool around with her dusty little kitchen appliances that used
to be so neatly organized in her kitchen and wonder where she is and how she's
doing and if she even cares at all about what happened to all her things she
collected throughout her lifetime.
as her will is still being scrutinized and people pick over the last little
bits of silverware. where is my aunt? does she care?
i don't think so. knowing her she is way on to other things already i'll bet.
learning new things. being a child again in a new plane of existence.