[12 Oct 2001|11:10am]
another chance at a beautiful day.
i will try.
but right now my soul feels punctured a million times.
i'm so pissed at myself for making progress and then feeling myself slam back
to square one.
one step at a time again....my mother's disapproval overwhelms me.
i have to find the strength to move on again.
it's another sunny day. that helps, i think...
Re: ana 2001-10-12
11:07 (from 208.42.90.101) (link) the thing that makes it ost confusing is
that we used to be really close and the best of friends. i think that's why
it hurts so much now...because there is more of a loss. if she had always
been mean then i would never really have lost anything. but the fcat that
she wasn't like this before just mind fucks me :/ i'm sorry about your mom,
too. we all need to adopt each other
[12 Oct 2001|11:19am]
it's time to dance to madonna....
"hey mr. dj..."
[12 Oct 2001|11:42am]
yesterday
my mother broke my heart
my dogs comforted me
then i took a blue bath in the sky
today is another chance...
[12 Oct 2001|08:48pm]
i talked to my dad about my mom. we talked about grieving and that sometimes
when the person you are grieving about is alive it's worse than if they were
dead. it IS worse than death because it's not death...it's betrayal.
we talked about accepting that and living life knowing it will never get better
but always be sad. and living life with that grief.
i know all that. i just needed to talk to him because i need to know that
one of my parent's doesn't hate me and think i'm crazy. i told him how much
i appreciate him in my life.
i think that made him nervous because then he said that he didn't want to
have to make up and be for me what i don't get from my mom.
i know that. and i know what he means. he has so many people always leaning
on him for support.
maybe this is where i get my fear of being a burden. it seems no one can take
the full weight of me. and that's ok...i will survive and continue on. i am
resilient.
but it would be nice if i could have 100% security and solace in a person
just once. just to know that if i fell that person would be there 100% to
catch my fall.
there is nothing like that in my life. i know there are people who will catch
me a little bit. but i have to get up pretty fast and get going a lot faster
than i wish i had to.
it makes me all a bit quirky and jumpy. no wonder i am nervous.
my eyes are full of tears. i'm so sick of feeling this way.
but that's the way it is. and i'll deal with it.
now my other
cd player that was just working a second ago is not working. all my things
are breaking. i've heard that when a person is changing energies/making breakthroughs/evolving....that
appliances around that person can start to break. i think i must be giving
off a lot of energy right now that is making my things break. i don't know
how that works. but it makes sense somehow. i also heard that you can fix
these things by sort of visualizing them being fixed. i don't have the energy
to do that tho.
disharmonious energy. things not flowing....could cause malfunctions.
also mercury is in retrograde. next time mercury is in retrograde i think
i will just go to an island somewhere and be by myself until it passes.
i want to get the chi flowing but sometimes it's just not that time when it
flows and you can't really fight it.
this is definitely not a time to try to get things to get going and working.
this is a time to be quiet and reflect.
but i really feel a great urge to get things moving. so i'm still going to
go with that anyway.
my dad said
he read what i wrote in here about us going to the symphony the other day.
he said it was sweet. i had no idea that he actually read stuff in here. last
time i talked to him about my journal he said he hadn't read it in ages. i
had the feeling he had no desire to read this.
now i feel odd...and now i know there is a chance he is going to read this.
but i'm not going to stop writing in here the way i write. it's cool to know
there is a place my parents can go to find out how i am really feeling. i
wish i had the same thing for them. i wish they had journals i could read.
i think the world would be a better place if we could all be more honest with
each other.
there is nothing i say in here i feel ashamed of. uncomfortable maybe. exposed a bit. but i'm proud that i can be vulnerable. i think that is one of my greatest strengths.
i'm going to go over to jaosn's for a bit now
Re: Long
response...
ana
2001-10-13 01:10 (from 208.42.90.101) (link)
i never said that they need to know or see anything. i do not expect them
to accept everything i say or do. not by a long shot. i never siad "100%
acceptance"
i said it would be NICE if i had "100% security and solace" from
a person. security that even if they do not accept everything i do...they
will still not REJECT me and will be there if i need them.
and i do listen to my mom. it's not one sided at all.
i have bent and bent and bent. it is my mom who does not bend.
the thing is is that she is not being judgemental over something she herself has witnessed and therefore has come up with an informed opinion about. she admits that she knows nothing of me and doesn't want to...yet continues to judge me anyway based on what she saw a tiny but years ago and on hearsay from other people.
and i do not expect her to want to know everything. but i do expect her not to judge me over things she knows nothing about...especially since she calls herself a christian
oh my god you HAVE to see this! LOL!!! [12 Oct 2001|10:10pm]
http://www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/war.html
interesting reading [12 Oct 2001|11:00pm]
http://www.counterpunch.org/wtcarchive.html