[28 Sep 2001|09:55pm]
jason is sleeping over so the cam is pointed at the candle 1 comment|post
comment [28 Sep 2001|11:51pm] i wish i was allowed to add more friends to
my friends list :( i guess you are only alloted to be able to have 750 friends
:( i am at 900 but i have 20 more i want to add :(
[29 Sep 2001|12:02am]
ok, i am finally sufficiently tired enough to crawl into bed next to my warm
lover :)
[29 Sep 2001|12:05am]
if you had to erase all memories from your mind except for 3 , which ones
would you pick to save?
[29 Sep 2001|12:22pm]
today is cleaning day
cibo matto is singing, " i know my chicken! you got to know your chicken!"
:)
[29 Sep 2001|12:40pm]
anastaza, thank you soooo much for the cute hello kitty stuff :) what a kind
gesture :)
[29 Sep 2001|01:47pm]
i just don't feel much of anything lately. i don't feel happy or sad or angry.
nothing really interests me. nothing appeals to me. the weather is beautiful
but i don't feel anything for it. i try to feel something but i just feel
indifferent. everything just feels "wrong". everything felt wrong
since a few weeks before the bombing. and then my anxiety rose to a horrible
point a few days before it happened, which i think was some sort of psychic
knowing of things to come. then i went back on prozac because my anxiety was
just too much. now, it seems prozac is working for me...in that i don't feel
like i want to die or anything. i can get through a day reasonably well. i
can function and sort of enjoy things. but i don't know if it's generic prozac
is a bit different than regular prozac. it just hasn't affected me in the
same way it usuall does. either that or i am even more depressed than i think
i am. i don't even really want to watch movies which is really weird. i mean,
if i'm watching them i enjoy it. but i could take it or leave it. all the
projects i was so excited about don't excite me much. i don't fee like sewing
or making polaroids. i don't want to eb asleep or awake. i don't care what
i eat much. everything is just normal and blah...but just all wrong. i don't
feel the sense of pointlessness or hopelessness that i usually have...which
i think is the prozac working. but i am just not excited about anything. i
was gearing up for some amazing creativity. i could feel i wanted to write
music again. now...i just don't feel like it. i don't feel like dancing either.
everything is just...whatever.
i think it's because of the bombing, and i need more hugs and touching and
kissing, and i need to eat better food and get outside for a walk everyday
and just don't do that, and i am worried about my finances. it is mostly these
things that are making me feel totally ho hum. i don't feel alive. i don't
feel the life force energy in me moving along.
sure, there have been pockets of it here and there where i have felt a great
deal, but on the whole, i just feel numb. and not even a bad numb. just a
nothing ho hum numb.
it's weird to feel like this. i'm not used to feeling like this.
what i want to do when i feel like this is drink. because then i start to
feel things again. but i know that is not a good solution so i'm not going
to do that. i have to unclog myself and get the energy moving. maybe it's
also because of all the intense energy in the air...all the anger and the
sorrow and the fear and confusion from the bombing....all floating everywhere...i
was taking too much of that in so i just had to shut down for my sanity's
sake. maybe this is my protective bubble working and i should be grateful
for this.
it's just back to taking one day at a time again.
[29 Sep 2001|06:11pm]
i got out for a walk and that put me in better spirits. now i'm gonna go out
to dinner with jason and we're gonna rent some movies.
[29 Sep 2001|10:42pm]
watched "shadow of the vampire" which was fantastic :)
and now gonna watch "nurse betty"
[30 Sep 2001|11:02am]
goodmorning :)
[30 Sep 2001|11:40am]
i must make parodies of porn videos someday. i have so many hilarious ideas
:)
YOU CAN NOW POST IN HERE EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT ON MY FRIENDS LIST :) [30 Sep
2001|02:27pm]
since i cannot add any more friends to my friends list so more people can
participate here, and because it's now harder for people to go make free livejournal
accounts just so they can flame people, i am making my livejournal open to
registered livejournal owners to be able to comment in my LJ instead of just
friends only.
if this doesn't
work out i will return to friends only again. and anyone who bugs me will
be deleted and banned from my LJ, as usual.
[30 Sep 2001|02:31pm]
it's another gorgeous day. i am listening to the cds scott bateman made me.
i love them so :) in 25 minutes jason and i are going to go for a walk so
i am getting ready for that now :)
i've been hiding at jason's house last night and this afternoon. i needed a good dose of cable tv :)
i need to get my hair redone.
i am liking the diet pepsi with the lemon flavour added.
ok scott,
and i am LOVING the chicks on speed song " klares kaltes wasser"
:)
this whole time i thought they were saying "cultess" . i lurve new
wave. i even own the domain newwavegirl.com....so there :)
[01 Oct 2001|06:09pm]
talked to jennifer on the phone for a long time. i've missed talking to her
:)
jason is on his way home and then we are going to go for our walk...that's
3 days in a row so that's a record!
i feel very happy today....so go figure! but i sure am glad for it and i hope
it lasts :)
tomorrow i'm
going to try to do something interesting for the cam, but i don't know what
, or when, or for sure. i'm just going to see what strikes me at the moment
:) i DO still have a whole can of icing left, so it could maybe be an icing
part 2. hmmm :)
tomorrow= sex with mannequins! :) [01 Oct 2001|08:26pm]
stay tuned for more info...
[02 Oct 2001|04:35pm]
does anyone know of a place where i can just store lots of stuff..jpeg avi,
etc....unlimited storage...really cheap?
[02 Oct 2001|04:58pm]
ah, i paid a credit card, i paid the wireless, i paid my isp, i paid my server,
i paid my phone, i paid my dsl :)
now all i have left is electricity and just a few other things...like rent
:)
ow, i just smooshed a tiny piece [02 Oct 2001|05:32pm]
of my nipple between two mannequin parts. owie.
[03 Oct 2001|01:18pm]
i'm working on a new anagram. i am going to keep working on my sex with mannequins
idea since i didn't really get where i wanted to go with that last night.
i got too tired. but there still are a few pretty cool pictures :)
[03 Oct 2001|02:18pm]
sometimes my pictures tell me the story after i look at them. sometimes the
performance isn't over until i make it into an anagram. last night was such
a case.
http://www.ana2.com
ana2 members: new anagram up :)
[04 Oct 2001|10:52am]
51 degrees. brrrr.
i don't feel very well today but that's because i ate like shit yesterday,
i should perk up later. jason got digital cable, so i'm totally curious. i'm
going to go to his house and see what's up with that. pray that i make it
back to the land of the living in time to go out with my dad tonight to listen
to a symphony orchestra at 7pm :)
[04 Oct 2001|10:41pm]
i was nervous to go to the symphony with my dad because i feel so raw and
i'm still not healed from last summer. but i know the longer i put it off
the weirder it would be for me.
my dad's back hurt for the first time i've known him. it really hurt, he had
to walk so slowly and he said to me he is getting older. i know it is because
of all the burdens he puts upon himself. him being a minister and carrying
such a heavy load for everyone. he says he is going to move grace closer to
him so he can take care of her more. she had a stroke a few weeks ago and
is now in a psychotic state. i know that no one believes me , but i would
take care of her. i would clear a room. i know i would have to get her to
the bathroom. i know it would be like having a heavy baby. she doesn't even
know where she is. she's obstinate and angry at this point. i would take care
of her, tho. i would.
the symphony was beautiful. i am so happy to hear things like that again live. i played violin for a decade and i miss it. i need someday to buy a violin again.
during the intermission tho, i was trying to get some coffee and 2 older couples started in on my hair and my make up and whether my dad would approve of it. when things like this happen to me i am usuallly very polite and quite shy and then afterwards i get really angry and WISH that i would have said this or that.
i mean FUCK OFF! who are these assholes that they think it is just fine to ask me questions like that? it's almost the year 2002. assholes. i am flabberghasted at people and their audacity and impoliteness. fuck them. it's none of their business what my dad thinks of my hair....which in fact he told me that i looked very classy :)
i love my
dad. i love my dad so much i can hardly bear it. i can't handle the fact that
someday he will die. i cannot handle it at all.
[05 Oct 2001|04:39pm]
i just bought a new queen sized sunbeam electric blanket on ebay. oh thank
god i have found one! i went to the sunbeam site itself and they didn't have
any electric blankets. i know they are supposed to be bad for you, but screw
that...i want to be warm. i am so happy to get this, i can't wait until it
arrives!
now if i can just get my manager, bobby z, to mail me that parachute i have
at his house i can finally make a tent with that around my bed and then i'll
be super warm at night because my house gets so so cold in the winter.
i told my landlord that i also want them to put plastic up all around my windows
for this winter. my windows are really warped and all warm air just zips right
through them.
[05 Oct 2001|10:33pm]
i am floating :)
it's gorgeous
yummy free jazz and jason's on it, too!
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