Thursday, September 14th, 2000

2:22p i called my mom and asked her if we could just get together for a shorter periods of time more often , instead of long periods of time not very often. i don't feel mentally ready to spend an entire day with her. i think it would be better for both of us to just take things in shorter chunks to ease ourselves into a more lighter friendship. whenever my mom wants to get together it's always in the context of "do u want to come over to the house for the weekend ". and with my dad, he just drives in and we have lunch...and i think that appraoach works a lot better for me, as i tend to feel too trapped then get nervous if i think i have to "stay at my best behaviour" for days at a time.
so now my mom is gonna come in on tuesday for a few hours. we don't ever see each other much cause she doesn't feel comfortable driving in an hour to the city, but that' s only because she doesn't do it...so it's unfamiliar to her.
if i had a car ( and my license ) i would drive in to see her more often.
i really should learn to drive, but so far i have not had a god reason to, nor could i afford it. having a car is such a huge responsibility. i love that i don't have lots of bills. i have no car, no insurance, no student loans, no mortage, etc.
i wonder how much it costs to lease one of those vw bugs? i would lease rather than, buy, i think. less hassle.
i checked up on my credit the other day, and all i have against me is one 60 day late thing against my first credit card i ever had, so that is all i have to worry about, and someday, after the appointed number of years, that will be off my record. i finally have another credit card after all this time with a 1,000 credit limit. so that is a start to me getting good credit again.

i thought i was getting my period the other day, then it stopped, and my stomache has been bloated out like a balloon for weeks. and i THINK i might be getting my period today...maybe.
i really want to get back on the pill so i have regular periods.
i feel so ugly today cause i am so bloated and i weigh 15 pounds more than i feel comfortable. and even my face looks bloated. and i took my exptensions out last night which made my face look ven more bloated. and then it didn't help that 5 minutes after i did that, and saw that it made my face look more bloated, some asshole writes to me that my hair being short makes me look chunky.

oh yes, the ever ego feeding cam experience! seriously, having acam is not all compliments 24/7, as any cam person knows. u really have to have a very strong sense of self to be on cam THIS long, i think.

i am adamant to lose this 15 pounds starrting today. not because of what that guy said ( that would be rather crazy of me ), but because i just can't stand feeling like a bloatation device for one second longer. i want to fit back into all my cool clothes! i can't even get my slinky thigh high boots! blarg and more blarg!

even if i don't get to walk outside ( because usually when i feel like walking it's at night ), i am gonna go walk on the treadmill that i have access to near me. goddammit. i hate going on excerise equipment when others around . i feel like a dork. but i want to lose 15 pounds and feel better and be more flexible! dorkness be damned!

my GOD i am so happy that i am not getting together with my mom tomorrow!

i'm gonna go bleach my hair now because my hair looks incredibly stupid. then i hope i will still have time to get outside to do some stuff i gotta do that i've been putting off all week long

4:28p i dub this "tangent week"
ok, since i am so riled uo about so many things right now...i have yet another tangent to go on! lol!

right now on oprah, it is on a subject that really pisses me off.

makeovers.

this one is about teens that dress too sexy for their mom's taste.

and yes, that is areally stupid typical talk show thing for oprah to do. so yes, oprah is not ALWAYS my knight in shining armour :)

so...

first of all

WHY oh WHY oh WHY are we still telling our daughters to cover up? that makes me sad for the myriad of obvious reasons.

that i sending such a sad message to our daughters.
WHAT is wrong with teenagers dressing "older than they should look? "
we certainly don't MENTALLY smash women down ( usually ) id they are "smarter than their age"

what is wrong with looking older? isn't that sending a really confusing message?

is it just because we are fearful that men will have sex with them if they are underage?

and if this is our fear..shouldn't we just instill in them a sense of self and pride nad centeredness so they DON'T get in "over their head"?

because what are we saying to them? we don't trust them? we don't trust men? and that somehow because we don't trust men it is up to the daughter to dress in a way that will not turn men on?

what's wrong with make up? if they wanna wear it , let them! who cares!
i could NEVER figure that one out. i remember wanting to wear make up and my mom not letting me. that's just SILLY

and these mothers are like "let there be something left to the imagination"
isn't that even WORSE?

what...let the men be titilated in letting their imaginations run wild as to what's under there? and DUH, we ALL now what' s under there. it's a called a BODY.

and one mother said that despite her daughters chunky figure, she still wore "whatever she wanted to"

GOD. let's just instiull some more SHAME, ok?

do we EVER EVER EVER tell boys to not dress "older than they are"?
do we EVER EVER EVER tell boys to cover up?

we REWARD all children when they evolve and grow in every way. and we REWARD then when they act older than they are in every way EXCEPT when girls want to dress up in anything "sexy"

WHATEVER.

i think that instilling in our children a sense of centeredness and LOVE and all that will do our children FAR better than attending to something as stupud s what they are wearing.

and the same thing goes for ALL makeovers that are forced upon these people i see on talk shows that are doing make overs.

let people be! let them wears what they wanna! who CARES what they are wearing or not wearing!

and those poor women and men that have long hair and have been growing it forever and someone wants them to cut it.

how selfish of people.

i have never seen one person who went through that who does not cry.

it's so sad.

why are we teaching people that it' s ok to inflict upon another what WE think they SHOULD be wearing?

and they are telling these girls " be pastel, and sheer!"

and WTF?

what if the girl HATES pastel colours! whatever!

it's just sending such a shallow message to our children, to EVERYONE

force force force. conform conform conform hide hide hide fit in fit in fit in

bleck.

here are all the responses from that entry

 

Friday, September 15th, 2000

2:01p zingzingzing guarana kicks in
zingzingzing guarana kicks in
playing the creatures
my friends want to know when i will call back
that is the eternal question

i wish there was an instant polaroid camera that u could focus yourself..not autofocus
and i wish u could take close up shots with it

i should probably just get a digital camera, but there is something so nice about having a tangible physical picture in your hand right away :)

is there really a huge difference in a cheap polaroid camera and a really expensive one?

i need to soak my hair in vinegar to get all the gunk out. then bleach it some more.

my hands are hot but my feet are cold.

i really should get outside to do all things i should do. all the things i've been telling u i should do all week.

vera little sent me this gorgeous photo of herseld in sepia tone and signed it :)
it's so damn cute. she is laying in her bed like an old time vamp and with her little dog :)
www.veralittle.com
or
www.trajectorymedia.com

i had it framed, and i can go get that today cause it's done :)

god, i didn't know that framing stiff is SO DAMN EXPENSIVE! it was 70 bucks! is that normal?

i have SO many things i want to get framed. like big posters and stuff. if it was 70 bucks to frame one little 8x10 photo is it gonna cost 300 bucks to frame a large poster?

all these things have built up through my life. all these things to get framed and ao much dry cleaning! but i never had the $ to do anything about it.

now i do...but damn...it still feels WAY too luxurious to get any of this stuff actually done

eek.

i have never been one too much to get stuff framed. i have always been "punk rock" about it and just nailed it to my walls. but now i can see that getting things framed will save it longer. i don't want to see things i love get slowly ruined and bent or ripped TOO much

i am listening to my song "ripped to shreds" now, from my album "introducing sorrow" that u can download for free in www.anacam.com/anamusiq

i have it in my 301 cd changer placed on random right now

damn, that is an ambitious song! i really am a good song writer and musician on that song, for the age of 22.
it is good to be reminded of this so it can kick me in the ass to do some more music someday

i gotta go check the snail mail now.

2:07p 5 entries below this one...
weird..my computer all of a sudden thought it was saturday at 1am!
so i posted and saw this...
so i deleted my post and fixed the time on my computer then re-entered my post..but i guess th etime had been wrong on my computer, too when i made the other entries today..so 5 entries below this one called "zingzingzing" is ACTUALLY my latest journal entry

no wait..i'm loking at thetimes and it SHOULD be up hrere, but it's just not...

hmm, well, i guess since all time is "now" all time is meaningless anyway.
still. i am a stickler for time. i can'ty be one of those people who never wears a watch. i don't know why.

i purposely went without a watch for almost a year once just to try to see if i could adapt...but all i did is stop people on the street and ask them what time it was constantly.

at the time, i think i needed to know the time cause i had a retail job and i took buses.

and now, even tho "my time is my own", meaning i can do whatever i want whenever i want ( sort of )...i still am a stickler to know what time it is.

very strange, since also i am never "on time" either

2:12p aaa!!! time warp!
i cannot get THIS post above my 11:59pm post! even though it's past 2pm now!
very frustrating! i could delete those posts then repost them so at least i could get above it...but then i would lose the replies to them! aaa! what's going on?

2:20p help! my post are not showing up!
in my journal , anyway! they are showing up in people who have listed me as their friends place...but these posts are not showing up in my journal.

i think saturn is in retrograde

i am listening to the raincoats

2:32p reposting some entries because of a time warp
something weird happened between my livejournal prog and my computer or something and i could not get my entries to go in the right order, so i deleted some and now i am reentering them here, so that the NEXT entry i make will be ABOVE this entry as it's supposed to be!

here are the enrties that i could not get "above"

10:59p:
had a really old polaroid camera from the 70's somewhere..but now i can't find it. i don't know what kind of film it took. but i was at the drugstore yesterday and i saw a pack of 600 black and white polaroid film! i don't knwo what the 600 stands for. but i didn't know that polaroid made black and white film! ( except for the kind that professional photographers use when they are checking the lighting)
anyway...i bought the film then looked for my camera, which i cannot find. so i went to the polaroid.com site looking to see what camera took this film. i STILL do not know! their site, to me, is very confusing!

then they have the "art" portion of their site where u can see all these amzingly beautiful photos that people took with polaroid cameras. and they will tell u what kind of FILM they used, but not what kind of polaroid camera! and they said they had special sepia toned film! aa!!! want it! but WHERE is it? and what kind of camera uses it? want!

too bad that the polaroid camera they have that is for dentists and stuff that takes really close up shots , only seems to do colour!

anyway...if anyone knows which polarpid cameras use the 600 black and white film, please let me know.
and if anyone knows where i can get the sepia tones film and which camera takes that, please let me know that, too :)

10:47p:
ok, i'm up :) zzzzoniiiiing.

2:43p testing testing...

3:33p a polaroid sx-70 land camera alpha 1 model 2
a polaroid sx-70 land camera alpha 1 model 2

i found the camera and here is what is is:
a polaroid sx-70 land camera alpha 1 model 2

hmmm....

3:43p god bless the net :)
well, the b/w film i have does not want to go inside this land camera. so that's that.
i found this url all about these kind of cameras:

www.chemie.unibas.ch/~holder/SX70.html

i have no idea if the camera i have even works...or what kind of film it takes, or if it needs a battery or something, but i hope i will find all of this out at that url

i need some food
i got another dollikin in the mail today and she is super cute :)

3:50p www.goinggallery.com
wow, look at these photograpgs taken by the sx-70!
how did he do that?
www.goinggallery.com

3:55p ok HERE:
polapro.freeservers.com/bw600.html

it says:

it's new... it's black and white... it's instant... Polaroid is now making black and white 600 series pack film. if you clip off the little plastic tabs off it, it's ready for sx-70 usage. the added bonus is, since it's 300 speed, and the sx-70 is programmed to shoot at 100 speed, this new b+w film is great for night shoots. it takes long exposures, and picks up everything. you can get it anywhere, it's at walgreens and kmart and wherever...

-----
what plastic tabs? aaa! i wanna stick it in my camera now!

there are also LOTS of cool polaroid pix there :)

5:25p please help me with my polaroid thing
so which way does the polaroid film go in?
which way is "up"?
i should know that first before trying to guess what are the "plastic tabs" i should cut off so i can make it fit into a polaroid sx-70, like i have found out on the net will work.
although i see no "tabs"
do they mean cut off the entire plastic case?

more info on what i am trying 2 do in mt entries below...

i bought a game boy camera/printer at buy.com
it is WAY marked down..it's like 100 bucks off
so then i had to buy a game boy cause u need to plug it into the game boy to work it
i am not much into games, but maybe i wil get into them when i get this thing
i got the atomic purple colour

7:13p i never did figure out how 2 do it. so i ended up taking off the entire black plastic casing and putting in the rest of it. as soon as i did that...i heard the camera turn on...but the pictures were having difficulty coming out...they were also coming out without me pushing the button. and if i pushed the button they would NOT come out. and when i looked through the viewfinder is was completely dark. i tried all i could to make it not be dark to no avail.
but if i HIT the front of the camera with my palm, the pictures would come out...all blurry and kind of neat looking. they are completely abstract and they look like 4AD album covers.
i'll scan them and show u.
either my camera is broken...or i put the film in the wrong way.
dunno!
the $15 experiment...

8:37p jason is practicing jazz on the out-of-tune piano
i am scanning my b&w polaroid accidents for an anagram
i am thinking of dying me hair flourescent yellow again.
jason thinks i should do red
i don't have enough red dye tho
i really want BLONDER hair...but i think it may fall out if i try that
i might do yellow 1st..then i can so red later
but i may just leave my hair its light yellow colour until i feel more sure
of what i will do

it's kind a cool having my extensions out right now
it's been so long!
i like that i can run my fingers all over my scalp :)
and my head feels so light!

my friend, the livejournal user "beep" who is the sister of my best friend carolyn, who was the bassist in my band, the blue up?
is getting into the whole cranial aspect of acupressure...or something like that
i cannot explain
but carolyn said that beep said that getting extensions is really bad for u

i wanna talk to her more about that

i need to call carolyn. i have not talked to her in so lomg and she has left so many messages on my machine. i get so introverted so often it is hard for me to call people on the phone or see them

i wish carolyn had email

 

Saturday, September 16th, 2000

7:00a i woke up with my LJ all screwed again. it was stuck a an entry from yeserday...but each time i would post again, another LJ entry would show up...

so i made a bunch of dumb posts to get my LJ 2 show my entries, and then once i did the job, i erased most of the entries except for these...

2000-09-16 06:24:00
goshdarnit
i woke up 4 a sec, 'cause had 2 pee, now i'm up 4 a bit....

and TONS of my LJ entries are gone except for that u can see them in "calendar view" here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ana/calendar

damn.
why is my LJ being so fuct up the last two days? is anyone else having problems?
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2000-09-16 06:29:00
i just posted how my LJ is fuct and that many of my entried had disappeared, but that u could still find them in "calendar view ( http://www.livejournal.com/users/ana/calendar )
...so i went 2 see if that entry got posted...but no it wasn't....but another one of my old posts had reappeared..but only one....

probably everyone on my friends list can read this....but that is all.....

maybe i should not have my own unique LJ design, and that is what is fucking it up?
i don't know.....
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2000-09-16 06:39:00
this makes no sense
like the talking heads song...

i need to listen 2 the talking heads more often

that would do me good

did u know that the prez of radioactive ( subsidiary of MCA, which is a subsidiary of Universal Studios, which is a subsidiary of Seagrams Liquor...)
was the manager for the talking heads?

mind blowing....

5:26p it's just a lazy saturday
i have a headache
i'm watching a mini series about the jackson 5

9:03p holy god.
i called my mom to see if she would like cirque du soleil with me
and we got in another fight.
i wish i had taped it so i could play it back to her, so she could see how she was instigating all the fights. because i don't start them! she does! then she gets mad at me!
she asks me questions, then when i answer she gets mad that i answered! and pretends that i just starting talking about something as a way to start a fight! and i'm like, " mom, i'm just answering your question!"
wow.
this really sux.
then she started getting angry at me that i didn't go 2 college! and i'm like, "mom! if i had gone to college and gotten my bachelor or fine arts degree, u think i'd be financially set??? i make 2 to 3,000 a month nw at the age of 34 doing what i love! how much money were u making at 34? "
damn.
and i said this AFTER she said PEACE was PRICELESS!
and i am like MOM, the choices i have made to do what i love for a living are because PEACE is PRICELESS!
she walked right into that one...and wasn't happy at all that it didn't back up the arsenal in her mind.

she said i had to start being nice to her!
GOD. i am nice!

she was the one who told me that what i did was DISGUSTING! have i ever said anythng like that 2 her????
NO!!!

and when i called her on that...she was triply unhappy saying, " we should not talk about that . we should not talk about this...i am going to go"

then she got on e because i swear saying that god doesn't like that.

i said that SHE ( god ), i'm sure doesn't CARE about language.
and that truly upset her ( calling god a "she" )....god forbid.

if i was god....do u think i would care if people said "FUCK"?
fuck no.

there are wars going on
a rape occurs ever second or more

does "god" care about the word "shit" being said in some house while throats are being slit?

unreal.

i did not say this to my mom. all i said was, no matter what , mom, i love u. u ate the best mom in the world and i will love u no matter what.
and that's the truth.

the thing is is that my brother, who is adopted, who is black....has fetal alcohol syndrome...which means he has no consience. and he has sniffed glue and gas which made him crazier...and he has lived in small white towns all his life nad has motorcycle gangs trying to run him over. he is scared shitless.

he finally got moved to a better place that is for the poor and has security....and some guy freaked on him and got thrwon from the building...but this really fuct up my brother and he started to drink again...so bot my parents went dowjn three to intervene

so my mom is raw from that.
because my brother uses up all the family stored "energy" , nothing is left for me
andf my mom takes this as nothing is left for her

it's really crazy

it's hard to explain...

wow

here are all the responses to that entry

 

( no entries for the 17th...odd....i hope they didn't get erased! i find it hard to believe that i made no entries for that day )

Monday, September 18th, 2000

9:33a i'm up! it's grey and damp out. i have a hard time finding energy on days like this.
i feel uneasy and anxious. it's because i feel all the things i SHOULD do weighing on me. and what do i REALLY want 2 do? i'm not sure....
my dreams are stuck in my head and they are adding to be feeling of uncomfortableness and discontent. i can't remember what my dreams were about...all i know is that they were filled with creepy stuff.

i'm gonna light some nag champa incense
(
12:59p i'm working on fixing links in ana2 and making some new remote cams, and updating things

4:32p my cdpd modem will not work. i have a new ip and was tryng to configure it. i called their helpline and it seemed i was on there for hours. they said they can find nothing wrong with the connection, they think my modem is broken. and that's gonna cost 400 bucks to buy a new one. augh.

and after calling several 1 800 lones nad being transferred all over the place, i finally got my mastercard payed.

i think i'll cool some green beans.
then take a bath.

i feel so overwhelmed today. i worked a lot on ana2 stuff.
it seems my days are filled with so much little junk i have to so like fixing links or battling hardware and software. and my house never gets clean, even tho i clean it.

but today is perhaps just oen of those days that shall pass and everything will be better tomorrow.

i am just continuing to trod on, even if i am going only as fast as a snail...

6:28p sorry. a lot of sh*t has been flying through my life lately, hard 2 get it all down 2 tell ya, 'cause it's SO MUCH. hang tight. i WILL explain, it's just so difficult when in the middle of the situation. those of u who are hanging by me, i feel YOU...u do NOT go unnoticed! i DO feel it. it is REAL.
thank thank thank YOU
it's hard for those not familiar with the internet to understand...
but even for the newbies " u know we are connected"
because u feel it.
don't doubt
it's real
i am u and u are me
if u are ready for this....then here we are
it goes BEYOND anything we could type ( or typo :)
i know u know what i mean

2:48a zuul
go give zuul some love:

zuul.livejournal.com

he's suicidal...and i'm REALLY worried about him!
even if u don't post there, please send good juju!

11:42a i ordered my mom some flowers. she should get them tomorrow

2:25p i signed up 2 aol a few months ago, to see if one of my computers was working and could still get connected...

now i want to quite it, yet i can find NO numbers to unsub.
can anyone help me with this?

Wednesday, September 20th, 2000

3:18p i'm up.i feel all floaty today. i got too much sleep. i needed it.

4:08p i'm making a new anagram

-------------------------------------------
here are some more posts i made:

Posted by ANA on September 11, 2000 at 13:28:08:

In Reply to: more big bro news - eddie posted by blonnie on September 10, 2000 at 22:45:02:
if eddie's famikly is so poor ( according to eddie ) how are they affording all these airplane banners?

Posted by ANA on September 11, 2000 at 14:07:10:

In Reply to: Re: more big bro news - eddie posted by ANA on September 11, 2000 at 13:28:08:
big brother, indeed
here is a good article/update on how the rebellion at big brother was squashed:
http://www.salon.com/ent/tv/feature/2000/09/10/bb_revolt_flop/index.html

the salon is a really good place to go to read a lot of things about big brother.

except that they hate chiquita, the pug :( and also it seems that they WANT the houseguests to be mean to each other, for our entertainment. which is what big brother wants.

i agree that drama is , for the most part, more entertaining than regular ordinary days.
but i have to say that the almost total lack of drama at the big brother house is also intriguing to me. i think it's interesting that the houseguests have remained to keep the peace in the house no matter how much big brother tries to get conflict going.

why is a house full of diverse people being friends a disapointing thing as opposed to a house full of diverse people ripping each other's hair out?

i guess THAT'S why i find the show "refreshing", even tho other's do not. the amercian big brother tv show did NOT "go as planned", and isn't THAT the crux of what "reality tv" is supposed to be about? REALITY?

i am really disapointed in the big brother show that they have repeatedly tried to make this all as fake as possible, and have changed the rules as they went along.
they said there was to be no outside contact....but they keep bringing in outside contact to sway the show to the way THEY want it to go ( i.e. bringing in brittany to tell josh a ton of stuff about what is happening in the outside world )

and then finally the other day, the household was going to walk out en masse on wednesday to make a statement that friendship rules over competition. and that dignity rules over money. and i thought that KICKED ASS!

so what does the show do? well, u can read about it at salon at that url above.

big brother IS the perfect name for the show. absolutely.

i can't wait to hear what these houseguests will feel about their decision to be swayed by big brother not rebel...after they have left the house and they find out the whole story.

and when they have big brother 2, it will be very interesting to see what kinds of people they pick to be in the house as opposed to who they picked this time around.
and how those people will be more aware of the disinformation that big brother is willing to give them in the name of entertainment.

i wouldn't be surprised at all, if , for the next one, they picked some actors of their own just to make sure the house will be full of action packed turmoil

Posted by ANA on September 11, 2000 at 16:29:07:

In Reply to: Re: big brother rebellion squashed posted by blonnie on September 11, 2000 at 15:26:28:
ya, i thought they made the jokes up, too!
i think it's horrible how they don't let it be known that the houseguests do NOT write those and are "forced" to say that stuff.

also, it was interesting to find out that george's wife , teresa's efforts to banish brittanny actually had barely an effect at all! i guess onlya few hundred votes came of that...whereas brittany's actual tally of votes to get her out was around 40,000!

( i read that at salon.com )

and all throughout the news everywhere...they are citing that it was because of george's wife that brittanny got banished...( surprise surprise, that the news doesn't invesitagte a damn thing but jusr reports what it gets fed )

still..all in all....i don't know WHO to believe anymore of what is going on. conspiracies abound!
Posted by ANA on September 11, 2000 at 17:47:59:

In Reply to: Re: big brother rebellion squashed posted by blonnie on September 11, 2000 at 16:41:04:
ya, george has done some majorly sexist and racist things, and homophobic!

in fact, oen time that he niminated josh for banishment..he siad the reason why was because josh had made a statement that he'd rather "do a guy than kiss a guy"
because cassandra and jamie and brittanny were saying how kissing was intimate and sex was less intimate. so josh was agreeing with that.

anyway, george said in the red room that he was niminating josh for saying that because he didn't want josh to furthe tarnish his reputatiion by saying things like that.

then george did a skit that pretty much dissed and stereotyped men from the middle east who own convenience stores, as he dress up in a sheet and tried to imitate them and did this awful accent saying , " please vote for george to stay in the house because he is good customer to we convenience store owners!"

etcetc

and ya, then dressing up like karen with these big fake boobs and what not.

he just sucks.
Posted by ANA on September 11, 2000 at 17:51:57:

In Reply to: Re: big brother rebellion squashed posted by ANA on September 11, 2000 at 17:47:59:
i wonder what his wife thought when george rallied everyone together to all leave together on wednesday?
i mean, that would totally go against her efforts.

yet...if he wanted her to stop, why doesn't he jus SAY it to all the cams in there for her to stop their plan?

he certainly is one hell of a conflicted person.

it's funny that the two people in the house that seem the "sweetest" ( george and jamie ) are actually the most conniving!

i love jhow jamie was totally busted the other day in the red room how she said she would have taken the money and left if it had been 100,000 and it would go to george , because george deserves it.
then when asked if she won, would she share her money with george....she choked on that question.

busted!
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Posted by ANA on September 11, 2000 at 16:36:57:

In Reply to: Re: ballpoint savagely fuck myself posted by stacy on September 11, 2000 at 01:15:09:
i agree! i couldn't even watch the entire movie until just a few years ago!

and the story about making the movie is really creepy. all this weird stiff happened on the set...but i can't remeber what now..

and then the house that the movie was based on is creepy.

i wish i knew more about it...i'd like to read the entire history

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Posted by ANA on September 12, 2000 at 01:40:07:

i...am...exhausted...
please tell my mom how much i love her
i know that is impossible, still, i will try

MOM

i LOVE u
my eyes welll with water i cannot see anything....

but water.,..is consistent

i am hre

forever in this tomb
forever being reborn
i know not what this means

help
mom
help
mom
please.
please,,
does it matter how i spell it?

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Posted by ANA on September 12, 2000 at 10:09:18:

sorry. i got in this huge fight with my mom and it was just horrible. i don't know if things between she and i will ever be rectified. she hates my cam so much. she hates what i think, what i believe, what i do.
my eyes are so sore today.

i'll be ok.

but last night i felt completely shattered

Posted by ANA on September 12, 2000 at 23:23:33:

In Reply to: I am sorry you think I am psychotic... posted by iggie on September 12, 2000 at 16:18:39:
i have to agree with iggie here, that u cannot put all christians into one bag.

certainly there is a lot about religion in general that is hurtful, confusing, and downright weird

BUT, i must say ...in defense of my dad who is a lutheran minister...that my dad is an amazing person that is so very very very kind and is an inspiration to me in so many ways.

if anyone has ever been true to teachings of christ ( do unto other as u would have them do unto u )...he really has walked that path

and he is ALMOST free on judgementalness
he really accepts me even tho he does not always understand or agree with me

he lets me BE :)
and he is a truly exceptional minister

here is an article on suffering:
http://www.spiritweb.org/Spirit/blais-suffer.html

there are also some VERY good mailing lists with many great people on them at spiritweb.org

one is a healing list. maybe u could subscribe to it and ask people on the list about ways to heal yourself

also, there are a lot of very cool reiki healers who can heal from any distance. u can find them on the web and email them what is going wrong and ask for a FREE healing. and these things really do work!

serveral times i have asked for this kind of assistance, and my life has benefited from it

there are also a lot of very wonderful prayer circles on the net and many many people will "pray/visualize" that healing assistance will come your way.

these things work!

give it a try. why not?

sometimes when u get as low as where u are now u need assitance to bring u up to a leval where u can at least see a light.

the universe is connected through u. u are not alone.

i know these words will most likely seem silly to u...but i have to try to tel u what has worked for me

i love u , zuul, and i would be seriously bummed out for the rest of my life if u killed yourself.

i had another friend who killed himself...and not a day goes by that i don't think of him with a hurting heart
{{{{{{{{{{{{ZUUL}}}}}}}}}}}}

Posted by ANA on September 15, 2000 at 19:12:43:

In Reply to: Who Is Rachael Olson? posted by dollink on September 15, 2000 at 14:37:11:
my legal name is rachael olson
i do not go by that name, i go by ana voog
(except for the friends that have known me as rachael who do not feel comfortable calling me ana)
i never changed my legal name over to ana voog, because it's nice kind of having a more "secret" name so that when people look at my ID they or less likley to know who i am.

in this state, if u include your full legal name in your business name, u don't have to apply for all sorts of licenses which are a pain in the ass.

therefore, i decided to call my business "who is rachael olson" to be clever :)

Posted by ANA on September 19, 2000 at 13:20:40:

OK....I AM REDOING SOME THINGS...
eek caps lock...
do any of u actualy watch the cams on their pages?
because i am thinking of getting rid of the cam pages and only having remote cams.

like their would be one link one the menu that would bring up cam#1 remote cam, and underneath the picture are the links to the other remote cams plus the menu

i haven't gotten the link under the streamcam to function correctly...but i'll figure it out...

did u see that i made all 4 cams very small so u can watch all 4 with a remote now?
then when u click each pic u wanna watch, the remote will bring u right 2 that cam.

tell me what u think :)

right now, cam#2 which usually used to be the mobile cam..but right now is broken, is the kind of shitty kogitech cam that started to work again, for no reason. it was the one i was putting captions on the last few weeks.
i tried to get my mobilecam working yesterday, i was on the phone a long tome, maybe ovr an hour...and they tin my mobile modem ( a spider ) is broken ) and that costs 400 bucks to replace it :(

when i get that fixed or replaced, that will be cam, #2

i dunno if that makes any semse 2 u...but i'm jus tryng 2 convey 2 u what's going on ;)

let me know what u think of all the remote cams at the moment...so i cam go forward with this new compact way of doing things