| Tuesday,
September 12th, 2000
1:39p la
la la ana@voog.com other information i need is facts about rapists and why they rape. and why it is not because of titillation that makes a rapist rape. it's a fuct up power thing that goes FAR beyond just a short mini skirt or even bare breasts. also, i need
info on narcissism and she was a psychological nurse. what gives? so i need to get a big definition of that so i can be prepared to shoot down her theory
narcissism
vs. vanity allHealth.com
Narcissism
Disorder Q.My husband has narcissistic personality disorder, and I am becoming extremely depressed and frustrated living with him. His selfishness is very hard to accept over and over again. What can I do, and what help is there for him? I'm trying to avoid divorce, as at other times he is a good husband and father. --Lori A.Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is characterized by "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy," according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, or DSM-IV. Such individuals overestimate their abilities and inflate their accomplishments, often appearing boastful. They often underestimate or devalue the abilities and accomplishments of others. Believing they are superior or unique, they may feel they can only be understood by other "special" or high-status people. They usually feel entitled to special treatment and are confused or furious when they're treated just like everybody else. Because they consider their work and their needs to be so important and are usually insensitive to the needs of others, those with NPD often end up exploiting the people around them. They often come across as cold, haughty, arrogant, snobbish or patronizing, and they're often envious of others or believe others are envious of them. Because narcissistic individuals usually require excessive admiration, you can probably guess that in reality their self-esteem is usually very fragile. The inflated ego can be seen as an attempt to overcome a fragile, wounded self -- one reason they may feel hollow or empty inside. The inflated ego is easily punctured by criticism or by not having needs met. The resulting exposure of the wounded self often brings pain, rage or disdain. Sometimes, though, the individual may react by socially withdrawing or expressing humility in an effort to cover up the grandiosity. If your husband is exhibiting these patterns of behavior, it's no wonder you're having difficulty. You don't mention whether he's in psychotherapy (or where he got the diagnosis of NPD), but long-term psychotherapy with a qualified mental health professional experienced in personality disorders is the treatment of choice for NPD. Marital therapy can also help address the day-to-day problems affecting the relationship. The trouble, of course, is that narcissistic people usually don't see THEMSELVES as the problem ... or when they do, their fragile self-esteem is so threatened by the feared confrontation that they're afraid to open up to the potential pain. (They may fear therapy, for instance, because they assume the therapist will voice the self-criticisms they've been fleeing from for years.) If your husband won't consider either individual or marital therapy, please consider entering therapy yourself if you haven't already. A good therapist can help you explore your options and possible coping strategies, including how best to take care of your own needs in the relationship. Good luck. -------------
http://www.salon.com/health/feature/2000/01/27/anorexia/index.html does anyone
have any idea as to how on earth i accidentally made that? it'd be cool if i could figure that out so i could make other strange 3dish organic things like that. what a mystery. ( ends up it was a piece of popcorn from the picture tube feature :) ack, it's
past 5am, i better get to bed! but that means i still won't be in bed
for another hour. it's cold in my living room. fall is almost here...
i sent this
to my mailing list: firstly
, thank u all for the wonderful emails!!! wow! that is the biggest reply
back i have ever gotten! i feel your love and support, which is why i
turned to u for your advice in the first place :) and lots of very good
advice! and i will think about all the different ways that were shown
me :) lots to take in:) i was especially interested to hear from those
of u who are parents yourselves, as being a parent is the most intense
thing u could do ever, imo, and your advice is very valuable to me, since
i am not a parent. ( except to my two little fluff monster dogs :) but , as so many of u have said, i most likley will not make a dent in things. i don't know. i am seeing her on friday. but already i am thinking that i may stop cancel because i don't know if i am mentally ready to deal with that, that soon. i think i would rather put together a "book" of some sort for her, containing within it, text from anacam fans for incite as to why they watch. and also i will include journals entries of mine to show that i am not perpetuating violence against women. the OPPOSITE, in fact. i am extremely riled that she would even push "that button" in me, knowing that i was raped and knowing how much of a feminist i am...to say that my site causes rape, it absolutely unfathomably mean. it also didn't occurr to me until u pointed out that it is also mean for her family to tell her how sorry they feel for her, having a daughter like me..instead of talking to me directly. and to tell that to my mom, only reinforces her fear. and why would you want to do that if u loved my mom? i am not saying they don't love her, they love her to pieces...i'm sure they didn't mean harm...still...it harmed. not only my mom, but me and her husband i'm sure..and then it goes on like a tidal wave to touch so many lives...this fear. this sadness. this CLOSURE and things spoken in whispers behind people's backs. when i make my mom this "book" i will make similiar copies for all the relatives, too. and i will make screen prints of my site and walk then through it explaining things, perhaps...it's all a big mush in my head right now so i really don't know if i can speak with her friday face to face and remain together and calm. i would also put pictures from my cam in thsi book, and i would write her a letter explaining exactly what i need from her in order to have a relationship with her. and also ask what does SHE need. but she wonders why i do not call her much nor see her. well DUH. why would i want to be around someone who hates everything i do and say and be? i have been reading the toxic parents book and bits and pieces of it are helpful to me. u can also apply much of what is said in there to ANY relationship. so it's an interesting read no matter what your parents were like. and when i had that conversation with my mom the other day, before we got in the fight...we were talking about the real world and big brother and survivor. all shows that my mom watches with GREAT interest with her husband, too now isn't THAT interesting??? this all hasn't really hit me until just now, so i am actually just sorting out my feelings on this as i type this. the last time i saw her she said that she had gotten sucked into watching a real world marathon. which surprised me , but i thought it was a one time thing. and i remember that she liked to watch because they were just " all so dysfunctional", and she found that interesting. just the other day, when i had my conversation with her, i found out that she watched big brother and had watched all of survivor. and i was so happy i had something to TALK to her about! it was WONDERFUL! and i told her it was so cool to have someone to talk to about it because jason doesn't watch the shows and isn't interested in them...he only knows of them because i won't shut up about them :) and my mom could NOT understand why jason would not want to watch. and then she said, " it's the stuff you love to hate!" and at the time , i agreed with her...because, i think i have conditioned myself into thinking that is why i watch because that seems to be the only socially acceptable reason to watch it, because u wouldn't want to watch it if u actually LIKED those people because then that would mean u could identify with them, and then that would mean u are also a dysfunctional loser that would do humiliating things for money. ( haven't we all done humliating things for money at some point in our lives? and for FAR less than a million dollars. let's talk about minumum wage and retail! LOL :) and sure, some of the people on those shows are dysfunctional ( what in the heck does that mean, anyway??? to not function? to not function " correctly? " ) but u know what...i will come out of the closet and admit that i really do empathize with some of the people on those shows. it doesn't mean i empathize with every single one of their personality traits. it doesn't mean that i am the same person as they are. i think it just means that i am an empathetic person, who can see a lot of sides to things and tries not to judge people too quickly. i know things are complex. and i know that when i see those people on tv, i am not seeing their entire life stories. i am only seeing 22 minutes worth of 36 hours shared by a bunch of people and edited together ( big brother ) even if i was seeing every minute of every day, i still couldn't see the whole story. and then again, the reason i watch is not solely because i want to try to understand the people or even empathize. i think i empathize because i, myself, i have been judged so harshly all my life in the blink of an eye by so many, based on mere physical appearance alone, or a bunch of othe silly reasons. i think i watch the shows because i like to watch the ENTIRE "thing" , the media around it, the reactions of the people, the way they are edited, WHY are they edited in they way they were? (all call the whole "thing" around my cam, "the anaverse" :) and how does this then change our perceptions of what the "truth" is. i am very interested in how the "truth" gets distorted, and how it can't HELP from being distorted simply because of the fact that we all have our own filters that we see life from. i think i am interested in this because *I* have been so distorted. i mean, my own MOTHER has distorted me beyond recognition. and my mother thinks that i have no idea who she is either. so i'm pretty interested to find out who she thinks i think she is and then who she really is! and then i like to see how different people react to the way they are being distorted, and how then even that is distorted. i like to see how we move as a society. i like to see how we are affected by the media, by our peers, etc. i watch to understand all th different ways it could ever be, and then i reflect on that as to how i am in my own life judging and being judged, perceived and being perceived, distorting, and being distorted, rationalizing, and being rationalized.... it's the process, not the people so much...altho...really in the end..can those two things be separated? i don't think so i am interested in processes. so...that being said, my mom says she watches because she LOVES to HATE it. well. u can see our differences quite clearly there. perhaps she is thinking that everyone is watching me because everyone hates me yet cannot pull their eyes from the screen because i am like a car accident. i am not the kind of person who slows down for a car accident. nor gathers round a place where there is something bad going on. simply because i wouldn't want to embarass anyone. i would watch if i were invisible sometimes, just to see. of course i like to watch things that are sensational. i am thinking for example, the jerry springer show i used to watch those kind of shows all day long for months just trying to understand WHY people were doing that. and i still haven't figured that one out yet, but i finally got bored of trying to figure it out. and i'll still watch a few minutes of some of them sometimes, but usually i will end up changing the channel because it gives me a stomache ache now anyway... my mom is a very judging person ( obviously ). and sometimes it's good to judge. it's good to know what is bad or good for you, etc. but my mom just loves to hate people, i think she is swayed in her opinions of people by reading whatever magazine she is reading at that time. if someone in newsweek puts down roseanne, then she is all over that hating her guts and saying she is an awful woman. my mom doesn't like oprah either, because of her "new age" ideas, and she thinks oprah is a know it all. i guess a lot of people freak on that aspect of oprah. and indeed oprah can sometimes think she knows it all..but if u watch her shows for years..u will put together that indeed she is the first to admit her mistakes, and i think she only comes across as a person who "knows it all" because she is very sure of herself from moment to moment. but oprah grows and changes and is not solidly stuck in her own opinion. she is like a queen that has an exceptional curiousity for all things, and she has the power and money to bring to her the things she would like to examine and understand. oprah learns at the same time we do. she watches her guests with as much enthusiasm as her audience does. and that is one of the key to her successes, i feel. it is interesting and wonderful to me to watch oprah grow and change and explore. i guess i feel a kinship with her, too, because we both kind of do a similiar thing...which is to bring things/ideas in to examine WITH the audience , at the same time it's conversational and intimate. like what i am doing right here...making it up as i go along and sharing with u THIS...turning it over like a stone in the road with as much "?????" as u. some people who watch my cam do watch me to judge me and persecute me and in doing so ( and this percentage grows less and less each year, thankfully ), feel better about themselves. like calling me "lazy" or "boring" or a "slut" or "fucked up" or whatever adjective. they are
the kinds of people that need to go seek out something they feel is "worse"
than they are so that they can feel better that they are at least not
"THAT bad" i will judge that, and call that sad indeed. because if the
best u can do to make yourself feel ELATED and HAPPY and GOOD is to ACTIVELY
seek out something u feel is more pathetic than u are...then...well, it's
obvious to me i would think that to make yourself feel better it would
be a more productive thing to look "up" rather than "down" look to something
u aspire to be and let your heart SOAR that it was THERE for YOU to shine
upon u and help light your "path" do u know what i mean? clarity, discernment,
and instant cinnamon oatmeal, ---ana voog i feel very conflicted with streaming. i like it sometimes. and i very much like the sound..i like the ambient sounds but streaming at 56K is so mushy looking that, to me, that doesn't excite me to do anything with it because no one can really SEE what u are doing. whereas when i had 250K stream with hereandnow, which most people cannot see...THAT is cool i cannot wait until everyone's computers are better and more people have dsl so they can see that. if it's not at 250K, i get disinterested in it quickly i want 2 figure out how i can stream with my black and white connectix on it's tiniest format setting. that would be kind of pretty and mysterious...cause if u can't see anything..u may as well make it pretty and mysterious :) i do prefer the photography of a still cam. and i like the anticipation as u wait for another picture :)
i write 2 u about these things...then i forget where i posted it 2 u, so then i can never find my way back to see if u responded, altho i did see your response about the mcdonalds sign. i really want a camcorder that is very small that can also take pictures and zoom in on things to show the detail. i know u like 2 do that , too :) i have so much i want to take pictures of outside my house. i also want to get a telescope and somehow get that hooked up to a camcorder or a camera. any advice would be appreciated, cause i just don't know what 2 do! it's all so overwhelming! Thursday, September 14th, 2000
i rotate who is on my friends list A LOT. it has nothing to do with if u like u or not. i have some people on my friends list now that i don't think i could be REAL friends with, but i am interested in seeing a viewpoint that is FAR different from mine also, sometimes i change my friends list as my mood changes. like sometimes i am in the mood to watch a certain movie and on other days i'm not. just because i don't watch the same movie every day doesn't mean i don't like it. or newspaper , or magazine, etc etc. lots of times i add people to my friends list that i don't know from a hole in the wall, just to see who the are. sometimes i do not add people to my friends list because i like to go to their actual livejournals to read what they have to say...so i can see all that they have written in one huge clump, because i like to read their writings more thoroughly. so, if u are not on my friends list, it doesn't mean i don't read your journal PLEASE do
not be affended if u have listed me as your friend and i have not listed
u... plus then i write a lot , so that takes up a lot of time. i couldn't possibly read 200 livejournals on top of that. i dare anyone to do that and keep on top of each one. plesae please please understand this :/ the people i have on my friends list are not my "clique" i do not HAVE a clique...and if u think i do i'd really like 2 knwo who u think is IN it! lol god. please. i have listed people as my friend who have NOT listed me, and do i go bitching about it "quietly" away on someone else's livejournal? did u want me to find out that u had written that about me someday? well, that is so passive aggressive and i am really hurt that some people have done this that i DO consider real friends i have NOT i repaet NOT EVER EVER deleted people from my friends list to show them that now they are not a part of my "clique" when i deleted many the other day i explicitly said that it was because i just could not keep up with all the journals. i am SORRY , but it is jus NOT humanly possible! PLEASE give me a break! :(((((( i TRY to do as MUCH as i can! there is only so much time in a day! aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my friends list is NOT really about "friends" , it is about what i am interested in skimming extremely fast here and there through out the day , if i end up having time to do that please please please....give. me. a. break. andf if u are pissed that i do not add u to my list could u at LEAST just TELL me? so we could work it out and i could TELL u that it is nOTHING personal whatsoever? really really really! i may readd u someday, then i may delete u again, then i may readd u again, it's just depending on what kind of mind set i am in as to what kind of things i might like to read. sometimes, and mostly, for curiosities sake and let me say AGAIN, that if u are not on my list that doesn't mean that i don't read your journal. i might sometimes go there and read the whole thing. then sometimes i stay away for a long time there is no clique. it's nothing personal. i am just a human who can only read so much so fast. OK? i HATE it when people bitch about me behind my back then be all nice to me in front of me. that is just so lame. and i am hurt. so what good did that do now? how constructive was that? u felt spurned so u said hurtful things about me behind my back, but in PUBLIC, not even in EMAIL. wtf? is there anything else anyone would like to get off your chest? say your piece! who else is my friend but is secretly harbouring anger towards me? i am OPEN
to listen now. let it fly.
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