text 1

[01 Sep 2002|01:38pm]
today i go to cirque du soleil :)
then, after i get back i hope i have time to move the last of my things...but i probably won't

[02 Sep 2002|04:54pm]
doing the last of the moving today and cleaning up the old apartment. jason is helping me.
right now we gotta get some food, tho...
we sure are getting our excercise! i am sore all over.
i hope my dsl will get turned on tomorrow.
more later...

come get some honey bears, mannequin legs/arms, silver balls, etc. [03 Sep 2002|11:55am]
[ mood | grumpy ]

all is moved but some had to be temporarily stored at jason's because we ran out of room at my place. it's so overwhelming, i cannot even describe it. i am wondering now if moving wasn't a huge mistake. but i saw no other way. this is really tough. i am going to have to get rid of a lot more things and i really do not want to do that.
last night i broke down crying because my stuff wasn't fitting and with each load carried to my new aprtment, it felt that i was creating some sort of eqyptian tomb for myself.

this has been, and still is, a very traumatic move for me and i couldn't help feeling like a failure for having to move. but then, my rent was nearing $1,400 there...and there aren't many people who could afford rent like that so i shouldn't feel like somehow i have failed.

my new apartment is now like a tomb/rubicks cube and having the room to even sort through it is going to be a major undertaking. i am so stressed out. i just want some PEACE.

now if i wanted to make glass beads, i don't think i could do it in my house!
i hope i make it through the winter somewhat sane.
i am going to have to get some full spectrum lights, because the sun...which is an absolute essential part of my well being, does not shine in my new aprtment.

i hope that this situation i am in will somehow be VERY temporary.

i'm going to go tackle a bit of it now...get my computers on my desk and see if i have dsl yet. you are going to FREAK when you see how crowded i am!
i can't wait to get my cam going again because there has been just far too much down time with me, and for you too, i am guessing.

i will cheer up eventually, i hope.
but for right now all i can do is just resign myself to feeling overwhelmed because it is perfectly natural to feel this way considering my situation.
and not just my moving but my finances and my mom are still weighing on my heavily, too.

thank god i do not need much space to crochet.

when i am on my couch, the piano is now directly in front of me about 2 or 3 feet away, so that should be some incentive to play it more. actually, the piano is about three feet away from me where ever i am in that apartment!

cirque du soleil:

it was fabulous, of course!
absolutely beautiful!
my fave was, of course, the contortionist. that is always my fave :)
she was beyond this world contorting AND working up to 5 hoola hoops at one time!

in my next life i want to be her!

cirque du soleil is so inspiring! i wish someone would make a documentary of the behind the scenes of it! i want to know who these people are!

the best part of the show was when a torrential rainstorm was happening outside and you could hear the rain pounding the tent mixed with their music, too! it was hard to tell what was part of the show and what was real :) it was very magical!
loud thunder while they played on the trampeze :)

i wore my green crinoline with black and white striped nylons with my shoes from the 40's :)
and this black lace crochet top thing that looks very french :)
and pony tails! i looked like i might be part of the show

ok, i must go back to my apartment now ( oh, and it cost $400 to move! yikes )
and see if my dsl is on so i can get my cam running.

people who want mannequin legs/arms email me, k?
also i'm gonna get rid of my silver mirror balls.
i'm only giving them away to people who can drive here and get them. i can't deal boxing it and mailing it.

the mannequin legs come with stands...so they make good nightstands or other such table like things. lamps would fit on them nicely.

i might get rid of my honey bears, too.
and some blue glass bottles.
i simply have no where to put this stuff. :/

i hope this stuff will find a good home.

and you have to come and get it ASAP, or i am going to just have to throw it in the garbage or something. i don't know what else i can do!

i remember when i used to be able to move all my stuff in a car!

y'know what cable tv station is my fave right now? VH1 classic!
they play way more new wave than mtv classic!

i hope i can afford to get cable tv again soon :)

[04 Sep 2002|12:42pm]
gah. my mother keeps trying to send me a picture or something through email but she doesn't get how to send it so all i receive is a mass of jumbled letters and numbers. she doesn't send ANY text with this thing so i have NO idea what it is. the first time she sent it to me a politely told her how to correctly send it. the second time she sent it to me ( still NO text ), i, again, politely told her how to correctly send it and that she should call someone on the phone and get someone to help her. the THIRD time she sent it ( today ), it is still a jumble with no text , no explanation what this is whatsoever.

maybe it's her husband trying to send this and not her. i have NO idea. whatever it is it is irritating the crap out of me now. i told him/her not to resend it until they have figured out how to send a thing as an ATTACHMENT and not in the body of the message.

and all i can think of what it could be is some photo to try and guilt me out. like a photo of mom and i together or something. ???
why else would she try to send me a picture with no text?? no explanation as to what on earth this is or is about?

it's so damn immature.
grrrrr.
3 comments|post comment

[04 Sep 2002|12:52pm]
i hope my dsl will get turned on today. i am going to call them, and find out what is their deal!

i am making more sense out of my apartment. things are looking more positive as i shift things around. thank goodness.

not much more to say...i'm just keeping on keeping on...
0 comments|post comment

[04 Sep 2002|03:19pm]
aaaa! i just wrote the longest most detailed very cool entry and my dial up connection became unconnected and i lost it all!

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ohmigod.

i will have to attempt to rewrite it later.....
1 comment|post comment

DSL on WEDNESDAY! everything back to the way it was :) [04 Sep 2002|04:42pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

i cancelled msn and i'm going back to my local isp.
i called quest to tell them to switch me, and it took me forever, of course. menu after menu, getting hung up on..all that.anyway, i will have dsl on WEDNESDAY.
they had NO record that i had ordered dsl for my new apartment almost 15 days ago! can u believe??

anyway...i will be able to have 3 computers on simultaneously again and with streaming and sound. back to how it used to be! i cannot WAIT!
gahhh.

for now, i have been given unlimited dial up until my dsl gets switched on. thank GOD.
so i will have a cam back up and running tonight!

i am feeling better about my apartment and i actually feel excited about getting rid of my things so i can have this opportunity to try something new!
i wrote about this in great detail, but lost my entry. i'll try to get the energy to write about it in detail again later. but now i have to get some food.

[05 Sep 2002|09:24am]
http://www.timetravelfund.com/
6 comments|post comment

latin beat washing machine [05 Sep 2002|08:12pm]
this washing machine in my new apt. makes a latin beat while it works! makes me wanna dance while i wash my clothes :)

the machine in my old apt. used to sound like someone saying "all day all day all day all the way" while it worked. and that kind of drove me nuts.

i like the latin beat MUCH better :)
-------------------------
it rained here a lot today. torrential. thunder and lightning, too! it was great :)
-------------------------
i'm thinking a lot about paper in the last few days. paper and all it's possibilities. this was brought on by this french guy whose apartment was featured in the summer issue of Nest magazine.

i am so glad that "geoff from new york" told me about nest! now i subscribe to it and i hope that my apartment will be featured someday in the future...when i get my apartment to look cool...whenever that will be :)

------------------
i like the idea of modular living. modular house, clothing, furniture. body?
i like the idea of permanence but i also am equally in love with decay...so i get confused with what medium to work with.
i suppose everythin will decay eventually...even plastic. long live plastic.
-----------------
i want some polyurethane foam to make a house with.
-----------------
crocheting paper might be interesting to try.
crocheted paper walls...
----------------
i am surprised that no one wants my slide projector.
what is wrong with the world?

do i have to say goodbye to livejournal? [06 Sep 2002|01:11am]
wow, i was just told by the livejournal abuse team that i can't put any links to anything i sell in my journal or advertise anything whatsoever. that means no links to ana2 and no links to ebay. and i guess no mentioning of it either?
or else my account will be terminated. unreal.

does that mean i cannot even sell something for 5 bucks , like a person would at a garage sale?

i can't even MENTION my little books or anything? not even if i were selling 1 thing for $1?

do i just have to take off links or do i have to not talk about it altogether??

how can i not talk about my business in my journal?

i mean, my business is my LIFE and my journal is about my life.
how can i talk about anything in my journal if i can't even mention that i am making a hat?

what if i am playing a show at a club? can i advertise THAT?

what if i am not allowed to even talk about a show i may be playing?
or an art gallery i might be showing in?

i am really confused and frustrated.

why is there this rule?

and why are they coming after me NOW? i've had this journal for years...and just NOW this is being told to me??

if i can't talk about my life and what i'm up to and working on...then what good is having this journal???

TONS of people "advertise" their websites where things are for sale for a profit!

girls make beaded bracelets...people sell things on ebay...people advertise their arts and crafts and photography for sale! may as well tell punquin to stop selling bracelets or diversify to stop selling her photos or thingie to stop selling runes or duckydoo to stop selling her things! what the ??? etc etc..like hundreds of others do on livejournal. i don't understand how this could be bad! ???

how is an artist to make a living???
it's internet connectivity that is crucial to us!

WHY is there this rule?? why am *I* being singled out at THIS particular time after all these years??

i am so bummed. really really really bummed :(

tomorrow i will work on removing links, i guess.
but i can't go through my ENTIRE journal and remove all links or mention as that would take weeks and weeks of work!

i am allowed to put links to OTHER sites that might make a buck from my linking to them?

could someone other than me link to ana2?

do i have to stop talking about amazon.com????

is it OK for me to link to that timetravelfund.com place because they are promoting and advertising their stuff?

what about other cool sites i come across...am i allowed to tell you about them??

where do you draw the line?

i mean, god forbid ANYONE should EVER make a buck so they can live and eat!
it's a carnal sin! it's up there with child pornography it would seem seeing how people get so damn riled and upset when an artist stands up and asserts that they have a right to make a living to!
fuck the artists and the self employed! the only GOOD way to earn a buck is to work for someone else in a job you most likely despise! THAT is the only PURE way.

can you see how screwed up that line of thinking is?

we all lose when we squash people's enterprises. why squash me?
people act like i'm ENRON or something.

i'm just a girl who makes hats and little books! why squash me? what am i doing that is so hurtful that all links and references to the fact that i have something i made for sale should be erased and obliterated?

sure, livejournal has the right to do whatever they want to, it's their server. they make the rules.

but god, it is so SAD! what does this say about our world today?
------------------

UPDATE ( the next day )
i heard back from brad and here is what he says:

"Bleh.... shitty Terms of Service. We really need to revise it
all.
We're gonna change that part right away, though.

Basically, that part was added way back when because people were
putting
up banner ads in their entries and user profile for the purpose
of making
money on click-thrus or impressions.

If we don't make LJ ugly with ads, we don't want users to
either. Links
to auctions are fine, though. Especially since you're a paid
user.... we
couldn't even make the case that you were hindering our
resources.

Just don't make it look like LJ is forcing advertising crap upon
its users
and all's good.

You won't be suspended."

yippee yippee yippee!!!

*sally jr mode ON*
so to that limpdick pussyfart who had to complain on me because someone put a gun to their head and made them read my livejournal where i was selling a few pairs of shoes and a box of surprises (yes, THAT was the offending link):
"kiss my white american ebayin' ass, baby!"
*sally jr mode off*
106 comments|post comment

it's all good! :) yay!! *whew* [06 Sep 2002|11:02am]
[ mood | satisfied ]

i heard back from brad and here is what he says:

"Bleh.... shitty Terms of Service. We really need to revise it
all.
We're gonna change that part right away, though.

Basically, that part was added way back when because people were
putting
up banner ads in their entries and user profile for the purpose
of making
money on click-thrus or impressions.

Just don't make it look like LJ is forcing advertising crap upon
its users
and all's good.

You won't be suspended."

yippee yippee yippee!!!

a less dramatic post [06 Sep 2002|11:44am]
i'm glad roddy got kicked off BB3!
i wonder who justin will nominate next for banishment?
i think amy, for sure...
but after that..i have no idea!

i'm glad kelly won american idol :)

i can't wait for survivor thailand!
-------------
because i am on dial up, my cam gets disconnected a lot.
and because i still have almost no floor space and i am using a cam on a short cord, i can't change the view much.

this will all change on wednesday when i get dsl and my floor will be a tad more open and i can use my cam with the long long cord.
( i can't use that cam now because it's not compatible with my laptop, which is the only computer i have that has a modem for dialing up )

i haven't been able to get into my webmaster email either, so if you are writing me there, i'm not getting it. best to write me at : ana101@hotmail.com
that is the account i check most often

my apt. is slowly coming to organization as i keep plugging away at it.
eebomb is coming over at 7pm to get all my silver balls.
(that sounds almost obscene)

ok, back to cleaning and organizing. will it ever end?
or perhaps i will take a little break today.
i'll see how it goes :)

post whatever you like to this! [07 Sep 2002|12:19am]
k?

me sleepy. going to bed now. belly full of chicken.
19 comments|post comment

just another saturday [07 Sep 2002|03:58pm]
[ mood | listless ]

another bummer of a day so far. woke up to my toilet overflowing again. while it was overflowing my mom called and i answered it because i wasn't paying atention. that led to an hour long talk of more of the same futileness.

i felt myself shut down in order to deal with it and now i am having a hard time snapping out of it. i can't tell if i feel nothing, or if i have just shoved it down deep inside where it is festerng in me.

so i thought going for a walk would be good. and i got jason to come with which is a rarity and precious to me. but it is like a sauna out there with the heat and humidity and we were too uncomfortable to go more than 3 blocks, and the dogs were having a hard time with the heat, too.

i was given another key to a different apt. on my floor which i could use that bathroom, but it is the wrong key.
plumbers will come on monday because management won't pay the weekend rate of triple the price.

jason is going out with his men friends tonight to one of my fave restauraunts. i can't come with 'cause it's "men's night out" , and i totally understand that and that's fine. but i can't help but feel sorry for myself at this minute about it. jason and i tried to get into that restaurant last night but we couldn't find a parking space and i had been looking forward to it all day.
so tonight i eat ramen. but don't feel sorry fo me because i spent my food money on expensive glossy magazines. i wanted to fall into the pages and dream.

i haven't had much of a mental break from anything yet and it won't be soon that i have one.

the only way i can tell if it is sunny outside is if i look at the building that my window looks out to and see if there is sun shining on it.
i discovered that i do get sun in my place for about ten minutes at 8:30am. a small sliver of fleeting sun.

yes, i am feeling sorry for myself and i am wallowing a bit.

i hope the night will bring happiness to me in some way.

until then, i guess will continue to unpack and get rid of things. i'll snap out of my funk eventually.

6 comments|post comment

[07 Sep 2002|08:12pm]
i am felling better :)
i have come up with a theory...
i seem to MOSTLY write about my depressive episodes while they are near their completion.
anyway...long tough day...but i'm fine, as you know i would be.

and i hope that your day has ended on a good note, as well.
perhaps?
2 comments|post comment

[07 Sep 2002|08:16pm]
i have had a lot of cool realizations today.
i am writing this to remind myself to tell you :)

atkins, going off meds, feeding dogs hamburger [08 Sep 2002|03:34pm]
jason and i have decided to do the atkins again. so today is day one. we figure we can do atkins til we just can't take it anymore, and then go on to weight watchers.

i'm not sure that the atkins will work on me right now because of some medications i am on that counteract it. but i'll try and see. if it doesn't work now, i will just go on it then when i am off doxepin. doxepin makes me gain weight. the other one i WAS on was paxil.
but i haven't taken paxil for 8 days now with NO withdrawal effects! i think that is because prozac is working to counteract the paxil withdrawal. thank GOD! yippee! i hope as the days go by with no paxil, all will stay well! *crosses fingers*
------------
my friend coojie, is a natural health expert. she used to make her cats her own pet food from veggies and meat. but now she has switched to ground turkey because she belives it is not natural for cats to eat pinto beans and broccoli.
she said i should try that with my dogs...just give them meat. that it is better for them. that makes sense to me, since sebastian likes to eat his own poop and that can be a sign he is not getting enough protein. i think dry dogfood is disgusting. why would i want to feed my dogs mostly corn meal and other weird stuff?

so i am going to give them meat in rationed proportions. want to find out how much i should feed each dog each day.

pooka weights about 7 pounds, deiter weighs about 12 pounds, and i'm guessing that sebastian may be around 15 pounds.

today i fed them each 1/6th a pound of fresh hamburger. i have no idea how much to feed them.
do you know?

i also got some of those "deter" pills, i hope they will work!

[09 Sep 2002|02:30am]
jason took the extensions out of my hair.
it's weird to have it back one colour!
i can't wait until my hair has grown to the middle of my back.
i'm certainly going to try.
perhaps by the time i'm 40 it will be there?
then i will wrap it on the top of my head and put twigs in it.
perhaps secret things...

i'm sleeping at his tonight.
i fell quietish in a good way.

goodnight all you pollywogs :)
6 comments|post comment

[09 Sep 2002|02:14pm]
[ mood | determined ]

today is all about dealing with finances and bills.
blarg, glarb, and ack.
this means i will have to crank music and drink coffee.

i just have to say it again:
i have no idea what time or season it is in my new apartment because there is no sun. it is always the same a 'diffused light", that isn't UNpleasant, but doesn't do anything for me to motivate me.
i absolutely NEED sunlight in order to function. it's like i run on solar batteries.
as much as i detest this thought, i think i am going to have to put a word in with my landlord that if an aprtment opens up that is in my price range that faces the sun like my old apartment did...i might have to move again.

the chances that i would have the energy or money to move again are almost at zero, tho.
i really think i should have waited it out until an aprtment like that had opened up to me. i didn't think this sunlight situation through.
or else i was in denial that i could live without it because of my financial fear.

8 comments|post comment

[09 Sep 2002|05:23pm]
thank you, miss pyre, for the yarn and cd :)
i finally made it to the p.o. box after all this time!

paid rent.
paid for another 6 months of my p.o. box.
paid for another key for my p.o since my last one was in my stolen purse.

posted a lot under the bed.
day 2 of atkins and i'm doing alright.
taking a break and watching the news now.

my dial up keeps pooping out on me about every 2 minutes :/
thankfully i will have dsl again on wednesday.

the IRS called me and let me know what was going on, finally. as you know, i am no longer under criminal investigation. and now they have decided that my finances are not even worth audting as i do not make much money.

so now they want me just to file my back taxes as i would have...but hand it to this certain person instead of putting it in the mail.
i need to raise money now for my accountant to help me. i already owe him 1,200 for what he did so far...so now i must sell more things.

they wanted me to be done with my taxes in two weeks! i told them that was an imposibility. i was told directly by the IRS that i did not need to file my taxes because i was being audited. now i gues i AM going to have to do my taxes. i told them i need at least 2 months to get some $ together and PREPARE. the woman in charge of me said she'll get back to me tomorrow on tat.
but they can't squeeze blood out of a turnip and that's just the way it is.

i guess they could confinscate my yarn.

[10 Sep 2002|10:51pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

hopefully i will have dsl tomorrow! *crosses fingers*

DAVMO painted a new painting of me and it's on sale on ebay :)
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=906102284

my meds are stopping me from going into ketosis for the atkin's diet. so i am going to have to wait until i get off most my meds til i can try that again.

this has been ana update # 2093480238402394802394839

11 comments|post comment

9-11...one year later... [10 Sep 2002|11:23pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

post your thoughts here

this is not 911 [11 Sep 2002|01:11pm]
[ mood | busy ]

post anything you like here, as long as it has nothing to do with 911 :)

23 comments|post comment

dsl update [11 Sep 2002|02:28pm]
i got my dsl modem today :) but i am going to wait until jason can help me with it to make sure it does connected properly. and he won't be home til late tonight 'cause he has school after work so i don't think i will get everything up and working until tomorrow when he comes home from work.

oh..and i just called my ISP and they said they will have to email me a new dsl configuration because i have a new and different modem. i should get that at the end of the working day :)
2 comments|post comment

kurt cobain's childhood home for sale on ebay for 43 million dollars! [11 Sep 2002|04:02pm]
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=1765388613&rd=1

ridiculous!!!!!!!!!
thanks to kiitos for the link!
11 comments|post comment

dsl back on! [11 Sep 2002|08:11pm]
ok! jason configured my dsl and now my main computer is back on :) and i can use my main cam! yay! much better quality and fisheye so u can see all!
you can get a much better idea of my new apartment now.
there are still a few things yet to be configured but the first hurdle has been conquered! yes!!!!
post comment

hotmail [11 Sep 2002|08:31pm]
anyone having trouble getting into hotmail..or is it just me?
3 comments|post comment

[11 Sep 2002|08:35pm]
i'm going up to jason's, but i'll be back later to SLEEP ON CAM! :)
meanwhile:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lovedollcreations/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/foamielovedolls/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/latexlovedoll/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/solidlovedolls/

how creepy is THIS? [12 Sep 2002|10:41am]
on 9-11, the winning lottery numbers in NYC were 9-1-1!

5 comments|post comment

wouldn't it be cool if...? [12 Sep 2002|11:29am]
ebay or some other place had a place where you could do a search on things people WANT instead of what people are selling?

that way you could let that person know you had what that person wanted? or you could put up requests for what things you wanted?

for instance, i read on LJ that this girl wants a bunch of empty altoid boxes for craft projects. well, i just had a bunch of them because i thought they were cool, too, and i wanted to make something out of them. however, i realized that i would porobably never get around to doing that. so i threw them away.

if there had been a site where i could have done a search on who wanted altoid boxes...then...i would have not thrown them away!

sad.

like right now i have 52 blue bottles i wish someone wanted. today i will probably throw them away as i can't find anyone who wants them :(
it took years to collect them and lots of time was taken to get off all the labels from these bottles, too.

or my honey bears. lots of people ate lots of honey to get them!
there must be SOME cool person out there that wants about 20 honey bears!
goshdarnit.
-----------------------------
yesterday someone stole all my camcorders that didn't work anymore. i had them outside my door for a few days while i was creating space in my apt. i was saving them for a friend.
i hope when they plug them in to see if they work...they spark and short circuit their tv or something.
14 comments|post comment

letting go [12 Sep 2002|11:40am]
for about ten years or more i have been saving all my empty medication bottles. i wanted to do a huge painting about how i feel about my medications i have been on, and then i was going to take those bottles and frame the painting with them.

i still want to do that, but i didn't know exactly when i was actually ever going to get around to it, so i threw them away.

it took me months and months of thought before i could do that.
i couldn't throw them away at first because it had taken me over a decade to collect these things. and i thought that if i didn't do as i'd planned with them, then all my effort would have been a waste.

i couldn't get over that it was a waste and i could see it no other way.

then, the other day, i had a realization that perhaps they could have another purpose that would be just as valuable to me! the purpose could be to throw away something that i had put a lot of effort into, but did not serve my purposes anymore.
the act of throwing them away was a symbol of me letting go of that. and the symbol ever more powerful since it was something i highly valued.

it's also about letting go of the past.
i have always been obsessed with my history. stuck on the thought, back in my mind, that if i didn't hold on to my history...i would be lost.
that my history would disappear as if it had never happened at all. all those joys, all that pain and suffering, everything i had LEARNED, would be gone and i would have no perspective of where i had come from or where i was going anymore.

i am still scared that could happen. i don't know why.

but slowly i am coming around to a peace in me. a peace that feels secure in the present..no matter what the past held or the future holds.

i am less and less finding the need to document EVERYTHING.
i am less and less finding the need to make sure that when i die...there will be evidence of the path i took throughout my life...that i lived and this is what i went through.

i didn't even know i felt this way to this extent until i was forced to have to get rid of things and confront this!

i have always felt the need to "prove" my existence in every way.
i think that this is because people have pretty much said "prove yourself!"
to me at almost every chance they could, it seems. i feel as if most people haven't believed me when i have told them my ideas, dreams, beliefs, history.
it made me feel as if i didn't exist.
so i started to document intensely.

of course, this really hasn't solved my problem!
it has only given people a larger palette from which to distort.

but i hold on to EVERYTHING in hopes that someday SOMEONE will understand.

i'm tired of that.

it feels good to finally be reaching a peace where i don't care if i die and no one knows if i ever existed. or if people will think the wrong things about me.

i have done everything in my power to be perfectly clear, with little success.

my own mother and father don't even "see" me in the way that i actually am...so...i think that was the beginning of the end there.
the end being a beginning to a more peaceful way. not struggling anymore to be clear or to prove myself.
it is absolutely beyond my control.
me being the child of a narcissist mother ( and a narcissist society, in general ), has everything to do with this, i have recently discovered.

i also come from a family that is pretty much AGAINST documenting ( except my mom ).
my dad throws things away right and left.
his mother didn't hold an ounce of sentimentality towrds anything. she lived on a farm and everything that didn't have a use anymore was burned ( that's the way they got rid of their trash ).
she burned her wedding dress. she burned all the family photos that went back to the dawn of photography.
when i was very little and had my security blanket, she tried to wrench it away from me saying "let's burn it!" and i hid from her under the rocking chair sobbing.
she laughed.

i think this was the beginning of me documenting. seeing people who had no respect for the past and it seemed to me, not wanting to remember the history of these people who were once alive. it seemed disrespectful to me.
i took it upon myself to become the family documentor. of no one else cared, then i would.
and this spread out into everything. me saving old stuffed animals from certain "death". i thought of myself, and still do, as the saver of misfit things.
probably because i saw myself as misfit (as people saw me) and it was a symbol of me trying to save myself.

if i did a huge painting about my medication and had all the bottles framed around that painting as further proof and punctuation, it would be damn cool.

but my life is not going to disappear if i don't do it.
if i never get to express my long journey through psychopharmachology in a painting....
well, so be it. am not going to ruin my present life just so i can prove my past.

well, i don't think i am RUINING it, perhaps that is too harsh a word. but i really do need to be in the present more for my own sanity.

and weirdly, crocheting has helped me to get to this more peaceful place.

anyway...
it's all so much more than even that, and i think i could keep on writing about this forever. but i have to go eat something now.

i don't think i will ever rid myself of love to document. it's too much a part of me , at least it is now.
so i am not going to fight it all that much, becasue that in itself would just weigh on me even more, and i don't need that.
but i am going to try to not put the act of documenting BEFORE *ME* and my life in the present moment.
9 comments|post comment

[12 Sep 2002|02:16pm]
i still can't get into hotmail with my computer :(
i can't get into "my ebay" either.
and it takes forever for the hotmail main page or the ebay main page to load, as well
glarb.

i have deleted all my cookies and all my history, but that had no effect.

i wonder what's wrong?

i think i might go out on a walk with the dogs soon.

the IRS let me know what i have 3 months to do my taxes. this will allow me to come up with the money to get them done.
no one ever did buy my rickenbacker..so that offer still stands
1 comment|post comment

[12 Sep 2002|02:57pm]
ah, i found a place that has want ads you can place for free:
http://www.ioffer.com/browseWantAds.do

i'll look at that later when i have more time
thanks to thwack for the heads up :)
--------------------------------------
dsl...
it's ok now. my isp have a duplicate report in their authentification server.
(whatever that is) and now i can get into sites *whew*
now i have to work on getting my anacam business computer up and running again.
i'm sure this is just THRILLING for you to hear.
4 comments|post comment

a bitch session. do not read if you don't want to listen to negativity. [12 Sep 2002|04:10pm]
with all my talk about letting go and being at peace. i am so not at peace right now.
for one my toilet overflowed AGAIN. they STILL haven't called a plumber. i took a polaroid of it and took it down to them and they called the maintenance guy. who knows what will happen. i am extremely aggravated.

for months and months and months now it seems my whole life has been dedicated to doing things i despise...like fixing things, cleaning, moving, organizing, whatever.
the whole tax thing. getting computers to work. whatever.
i have so much to fix and organize all the time that i can't get a damn thing sone that a care about, it seems.
that is kind of exagerated, but i am in an aggravated mood right now.
i told them i wanted to move again and if there was a different apartment in here that was in my price range that had SOME sunlight.
none in my price range , it seems. FUCK.

so i just feel so stuck here in this awful situation with no sunlight battling all this crap like dsl and toilets and taxes.

i know that some of this is my fault because i am have not been organized or i couldn't deal with it at the time. it's not that i am lazy it's that i really feel i do have a mental disability that i just shut down when i am confronted with things i cannot deal with...like math.
i don't know.

the maintenance guy cam eover now and said he would pour some acid down there in case there was a clog...but i told him that the other maintenance guy had done that already but it didn't do diddily squat. but i think that is what he is going to do anyway *sigh*

all anyone can say is " wow, i've never seen that before!"

CALL A PROFESSIONAL PLUMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fucking a!

another thing that has fucked with me for a 2 weeks now. that phone call from my mother. now she had me second guessing everything AGAIN and spending hours searching for my journal for anything i might have said that would be unfair to her. and just all this crap. ya, i got caught up in it again and she scrambled my thoughts until i didn't know which end was up again.
which is why i don't want to talk to her on the phone.

I MUST NOT TALK TO HER ON THE PHONE!!! GAH!!!!

i will fucking persevere. i will get my belongings down to a smaller bit. i will conquer my finances and taxes.
i will get this shit done so i can concentrate on my ART again.
i will NOT talk to my mom on the phone. if i accidentally pick up the phone and she is on there i will calmly tell her that i cannot talk to her on the phone.
and then i will hang up. i will not take ANY more time from my life searching for what on earth it was that *I* did wrong. i will not let her make me feel that i am crazy and mean.

and what the fuck did sebastian eat that is making him throw up all over the place today?

anyway....

augh.
9 comments|post comment

THIS place kicks ass! [12 Sep 2002|04:30pm]
http://www.twincitiesfreemarket.org

thanks eebomb for showing me!!!!

these are people who want old mirrors for a project ( which i have)
there is a sculptor who wants mannequin parts! yay!
9 comments|post comment

for fans of "the prisoner", the onion does it again :) [12 Sep 2002|06:20pm]
http://theonion.com/onion3833/i_regret_to_say.html

i rarely laugh out loud at things...but i sure did at this!

[12 Sep 2002|06:36pm]
BB3 , on in half in hour. oh ya oh ya!
little things can make my day :)

[12 Sep 2002|06:52pm]
BB3 , on in half in hour. oh ya oh ya!
little things can make my day :)

[12 Sep 2002|06:55pm]
BB3 , on in half in hour. oh ya oh ya!
little things can make my day :)

hair and bush [12 Sep 2002|10:34pm]
growing out my hair is so hard. i SO much want to cut it all off right now! must...resist..must resist....

oh..and i don't think bush should go to war with iraq. good lord. when will this bullshit end? this world is going to be wayyy more screwed up if bush decides to go that way. seriously sad.

and it bums me out that if i should decide i want to visit the rest of the world...most of the rest of the world will have horrible preconceived notions about me because i am an american.

should i spraypaint my couch silver or flourescent pink?

[13 Sep 2002|01:08pm]
i feel good today. i feel like i will get a lot done!
i found a way to wear my hair that isn't too bad. i can put make a pony tail on the top of my head. some hair doesn't reach but i bobby pinned it in back.
this gets it out of my way and it's simple. i don't like high maintenance hair.
i mean, sure i'll go get extensions or dye it..that part is high maintenance..but after it's done...you don't have to do anything to it in the morning for it to look nice.
gonna go get some mountain dews and then i truly AM in the right state of mind today to hook my my biz computer and kick some financial ass.
in a few days i intend to start working on finishing the little books.
and to the people that i still owe to get their stuff in the mail, that will be going out to you very soon!

do u think it is ok for me to leave my lava lamp on 24/7? i never turn it off
9 comments|post comment

friday the 13th update [13 Sep 2002|04:00pm]
the towels i used to get the water up from the overflowing toilet:
put them in the washer so i can use them to dry me when i take a bath.
spin cycle NOT working on my washing machine now!
so i can't put them in the dryer!

received a summons from the agency that collects money for my psychiatrist...even tho my psychiatrist told me it's ok that i have not paid him yet and we have a deal that i will pay him when i can.
he obviously did not tell this to his bill collector people! so i am straightening that out.

i am still making headway with my house. putting a few more things away. staying on top of things. i need a vacuum cleaner.

i received some weird fedex thing from msn with some sort of "return package" kit.
WTF? if they want me to return their lousy modem that i was told i get to KEEP if i decide not to continue with their service, they are assholes.
they didn't tell me what they want me to return and i'll be damned if i am going to call their number and sit on hold forever to find out.

despite all this i am still, strangely, in an ok mood and i am keeping on keeping on.
1 comment|post comment

[13 Sep 2002|04:19pm]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

i am proud of myself! i finally got the guts to call one of the creditors that is bugging me and tell them i will pay them $34 a month. *whew*
one down and 2 to go!
this is so scary for me.

i put my wireless account on suspension (cool that they let you do that) and told them i'd pay them 36.66 in a week.

i haven't had paxil for 13 days with no ill effects and i haven't had prozac for about 4 days.
maintenance guy here looking at my washer.

i'm turning on my biz computer now to see if it will work.
*crosses fingers*

3 comments|post comment

slideshow on cam now :) [13 Sep 2002|07:01pm]
slideshow on cam now :)

if on ana2, watch all 4 cams
2 comments|post comment

[13 Sep 2002|08:20pm]
slideshow done for today :)
these are slides my aunt took, when she was alive.
she travelled all over the world throughout the decades taking pictures for her teaching
post comment

gay dancing japanese skeletons [13 Sep 2002|08:42pm]
http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/tribute/

thanks thingie for this hilarious link!

kiss and tell [14 Sep 2002|12:58am]
last night i dreamt i was paul stanley and i was having sex with farrah fawcett. and at the same time i was also farrah fawcett.
this has left me feeling confused all day.

tattoo [14 Sep 2002|01:02am]
can you get a shot of novacaine and then get a tattoo? or does that mess up the tattoo somehow?

[14 Sep 2002|01:52am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

i kicked so much financial ass today. i feel damn good!

[14 Sep 2002|02:45am]
full body life casting kit!
*swoon drool fall over*

this is nifty, too:
http://www.btinternet.com/~simon.sp/morse.html

[14 Sep 2002|03:36am]
name: sebastian the wuzzler
species: fluffapuppalopocus
new nickname: the fuzzalator
current position: sleeping on the glass end table
current smell: somewhat stinky
current obsession: new multicoloured squeaky toy shaped like a "jack"
4 comments|post comment

[14 Sep 2002|03:51am]
write haiku about your eye
http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=ana&itemid=900637

[15 Sep 2002|11:49am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

jason and i had some bombay gin last night. now i am hung over. yuck. that stuff tastes like crap, too. blech.

sopranos on tonight! [15 Sep 2002|12:25pm]
yippee!

a letter from my mom [15 Sep 2002|07:52pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

here it is:

there is so much i want to say , but the words get stuck in my throat. i say "i love you" but that is not enough. you seem to think i don't even like you. if you do not know how much you are loved, it breaks my heart. i've told you your whole life, when you looked up to me, when you waited at the window for me, when you pulled at my skirt and reached out for my hand. i've told you how cherished you are, how you are a perfect gift, a treasure beyond measure. you have been a huge part of my whole world. perhaps i made you too much of my world because i was living in an unbelievable traumatic marriage while raising you for 14 years. and for 16 years or so after that i still believed the problems in the marriage were my fault. now after 30 years the sting comes again because what i believed was that i was dumber, more shallow and pathetic and less nice than your dad. if only i had been better maybe he could have loved me. now the words on your website made me have the same feelings and i felt like i was drowning again. it just was you, not your dad, that was rejecting me. but, i love you still, more than my stumbling tongue can shape into sounds that you can hear, because you don't hear it. you only hear me verbally abusing you.

sometimes i think it is because when you were young you were so good always. i never had to set limits or discipline you. then when you suddenly started going down a wrong path in late adolescence and i set limits, you lashed out at me as if you didn't understand, as if i was rejecting you for the first time when i was only saying "no" to the behavior. that's the only way i can explain why this is happening now. you got SO MUCH praise from everyone when you were young, probably too much, and now when that level of praise is not there you perhaps don't know how to take it. you have a hard time hearing criticism from anyone now. this is sort of a classic narcissist development.

i am being punished now by you for setting a limit, for disagreeing with your behavior. for years there has been this terrible fear in me that it would come to this because i remember that first rage, that first terrible and long withholding when the first limit was set, when i was made to be the bad mother because i told you you couldn't do something you wanted to do.

sometimes i go back in my mind and think if i could sit on the floor and play marbles with you, or walk down the block with you toddling along, or skip stones with you at the lake, or catch your sleepy head on my shoulder as we read the same old dr. seuss book.
your life filled mine. your panics defined my time. your calls and non-calls made my feet and my heart run faster. your laughter made days more memorable. but now you choose to stay away from me.

i have no gift to give to you that will help, no treasure to make your future secure. i have no word that will banish all fear, no promise that will ease your cares an anxieties. i ask god to give you grace to live unafriad, to keep you safe as you go beyond my anxious love, to give you strength to stand tall and to hear what people who care about you are saying when you feel that we are only brining you down, to have confidence knowing you are a treasured child, one that is NOT abandoned.

i surrender you to god's care, and i pray that in the cold night, when i no longer can hear you crying in your sleep, the spirit will unfold you in god's healing presence, with god's unfailing love. my daughter, i hope that someday you will see that you are my cherished child, a gift that was taken from me.

very much love,
mom
--------------------------

this letter to me from my mother is such a double edged sword. she feeds me flowery words then throws into the mix in the middle that basically i am a spoiled narcissistic child.

notice all her meories of me, the way she wants to see me, is that of a toddler who looks up to her and whose world revolves around the more powerful mother. she wants to be my world as i was once her world when i was a baby.

when she says when she set her first limit in my adolescence when my life started going down the wrng path ( dyeing my hair and listening to adam and the ants? i have no idea what she is talking about here.
i DID quit high school in 12th grade because i was being so abused there. and no one helped me. i was immediately kicked out of the house and told to get a job within a few weeks then made to pay rent to my mother off my 3.25 cents an hour job at a donut shop. i did just that. the only limit that was set on me was that i wasn't allowed any time to grieve. i don't know what wrong path she is talking about as all i did then for years and years is work, pay rent, and start a band, which she thought was a good band. there was the 5 month period where i was a stripper, so i could see her seeng that as the wrong path. but what of all the other years and years where i worked and worked and supported myself despite everything and still managed to put out records. ???
and then i THINK she is talking about setting limits again regarding my cam?? because if i go forward in time with her and try to follow what she is saying, " i am being punished now by you for setting a limit, for disagreeing with your behavior. for years there has been this terrible fear in me that it would come to this because i remember that first rage, that first terrible and long withholding when the first limit was set, when i was made to be the bad mother because i told you you couldn't do something you wanted to do. "

ummm, you can't set "limits" on me now mom, as i am a fully grown adult? HELLO? i am being told i can't do what i want as an adult? what on earth??

and as for wishing for me to hear the caring things that are said to me by people who care about me, " i'm stupid, i'm going to hell, i live in a world of lies and deceit, my breasts are grotesque, i am psychotic, my hair looks like a tumour, i promote rape, i am a disgrace to women"...ah.....huh? i think i heard that. nice caring words.

how can my mom say these things to me in this letter? she is THAT delusional? why can't she just at least be able to REPEAT what i've said to her as to what is the problem here? that i just want her to stop insulting me??? she can't even remember that? write it down? this is just scary creepy to me. it IS a lot like she is just missing part of her brain or something, literally??
she seriously thinks that all the problems between us are because she didn't disipline me as a child because i was too perfect and i got TOO much praise??
what on earth???

when i talked to her on the phone the other day her OTHER weird reason she made up in her mind as to why i didn't want to see her was that she thought perhaps jason had beaten me and i didn't want her to see me because i had a black eye. can you believe that???

yes, she is actually just making up reasons right and left as to why i won't see her because she cannot cope with the reality that she DOES verbally abuse me. it's like something is short circuted in her brain. i mean THIS is the kind of weird stuff i have to deal with by some people who watch my cam who are literally quite insane.

i feel so awful that she is in this much pain and is this much...whatever it is that is going on with her! it's hard to read a letter like that. it freaks me out. it makes me so angry and yet makes me so sad and makes me feel absolutely creeped out.

if anyone can find in my journal where i call my mom "stupid", please let me know.

[16 Sep 2002|02:41pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

frying up some tilapia

oo, premiere of dr. phil on right now!

[16 Sep 2002|05:00pm]
i'm trying to take it easy today because i have been working so much lately and i need a break. but i haven't been able to click into that mode yet. i feel there is so much to do looming over my head.
i'm working on a new hat but i am finding it hard to let go of all my unfinished business to enjoy making it. it's a pretty hat made of white mohair.
i am going to take a bath now