anything that needs detail thinking or short term memory thinking is beyond frustratinig and tedious for me to do.

i hope that i regain my memory and ability to concentrate when i have finally gotten off this damn drug. but i have read that some people do not regain their short term memory loss if they had taken paxil, and this really scares me.

survivor [14 Aug 2002|05:58pm]
when does the new survivor start?

foot fetish [14 Aug 2002|10:47pm]
who here has a foot fetish?
explain :)

spinning wool + BB3 + dressing like an eskimo = [15 Aug 2002|05:43pm]
i received my raw wool today and i am going to learn how to spin my own yarn! :)
i have a drop spindle coming to me and some hand carders.
is there anything else i need?

cleaned, organized, worked on ebay stuff, worked on little books,
gotta still do some ana2 biz
got my phone turned back on ( thanks jason! )
i have been on the edge of falling asleep all day and i don't know how it is that i am staying awake. sheer willpower, i guess.
i have 15 dollars in pennies that i am going to buy food for the dogs and i now.
i hope the store won't be too pissed.

tonight i hope to GOD josh gets kicked out of BB3
but...roddy is bugging the crap out of me now, too.
actually it's roddy's girlfriend that drives me nuts and i'd be glad to see roddy go just so that woman would get a frickin backbone.

i was on cam naked yesterday for a awhile. i'm proud i could do that much.
each day just a bit more.
i am excited to get my new apartment because i think my cam will greatly improve because i will be living in one room instead of 3. so the cam will always be closer to me and it will be harder for me to stay out of the cam's way.
also, i think this place will be A LOT warmer when winter comes so i don't have to dress like an eskimo the entire winter!

what is REALLY important for right NOW? [15 Aug 2002|09:59pm]

the thing is best about moving is that it forces me to redefine who i am, get clear on what is really important to me, and what it is i want to do with my life as i can see it now.
i've come up with this question as i've been cleaning and organizing and getting rid of stuff.
when i am at my deathbed and have only a few days left to live...i won't be thinking "what is it i had left to do?" i think it will be "how much time did i spend on things that were of secondary, thirdly, fourthly in importance to what REALLY gave me joy? and if i had that time back..what would i REALLY love to do with it?"
sure...we all have to do the dishes and pay the bills...but after that..."how much time did i spend lugging around a bunch of books that MAYBE someday i'll read. how much time did i take saving things for an art project i'll MAYBE do something with? how much of my rent money was spent on storing this stuff, moving it around, wondering about it, feeling bad that i haven't gotten started on starting that art project, etc etc?"

the answer for ME is...A LOT!
it may make me wince to throw away all the photos i've saved from my fave magazines throught the years so that SOMEDAY i can make a collage out of or paste into a marvelous scrapbook. i may freak out a bit as i decided i don't HAVE to collect superballs AND marbles...marbles will do just fine :)
the thing is...i can live for now. just because i get rid of these things or deiced not to collect this prsent time doesn't mean i have to give up on all of it FOREVER. i can easily start up up some other day in my life.

i want things in my house that i can look at NOW. when i have too many knick knacks i can't possibly look at ALL of them every day. nor dust them all! and why do i want to store and lug around a bunch of knicks when that space could better be used for another shelf or that money could be used to save for a trip to australia or the time spent on looking at these objects could be better used taking a walk outside?

the reason it is hard to give up these things is usually because i have gotten them so cheap or i feel they will never be able to be replaced. but that was at the time when all we had to get cool junk were neighbourhood garage sales. now i can find just about ANYTHING on ebay at any time and this is not as much an issue.

if next year i reeeeaaallly feel i MUST have a collection of weird gnomes or junk jewelry i can get it on ebay all in a day. boom ba da bing!

so that's that. these realizations are very freeing to me and i wish i had had them decades ago.

but everything happens at the right time in the right way.

----------
Girls getting "porked" and "pitch forked" [16 Aug 2002|12:17am]
ya, that spam for "barnyard babes"
it really frightens me that so much porn is SO violent.
does everyone get spam that says shit like this?

dirty llama wool [16 Aug 2002|05:22pm]
i'm making spaghetti.
then i am going to sort through this huge 15 pound bag of raw dirty wool from a llama to get it ready to be washed. i hope i don't screw it up. i have no idea what i'm doing. i've read a bit about how to do it on the internet...but if anyone has any tips about how to wash wool, let me know.

and what does it mean to "spin in the grese"?
and what is the difference between a:
Low (bottom) Whorl Spindle and a
High Whorl (top) Spindle?

also what is the thing you call that is a thing with a hole in it that you pull the wool to to make it go in a long strand so you can spin it?
and does this HAVE to be done if you just want your yarn to be fluffy and "slubby" and not "worsted"?

i am learning some new terms here. spinning can be a compicated thing if you want to know how to do it ALL. lifetime of figuring out.
but first i just want to learn the very basics.

mothballs [16 Aug 2002|10:08pm]
does anyone know of some nice smelling herbal things that can be used in replacement of mothballs?

i wanna make sure my wool stays ok. also, why do people put wool in cedar chests?

there sure is a lot of lanolin in wool! wow! takes a lot to wash it out.
i put mine in the tun and let it soak in hot water with clothing deterrgent and some Dawn dishwashing liquid for an hour and i did that twice.
now i've laid it out to dry ( after i rinsed it twice )
i can see how yarn can be so expensive.
after it's dry i card it and that willl get all the pieces of grass out of there.
this wool was MAJORLY dirty. as in soot and dung and pieces of grass. nasty.
i cut a lot of it off before i washed it.
i have NO idea what i'm doing.
i have piles of dirty wool right outside my door and it smells like a barnyard. but the scent doesn't drift TOO far so that is good. my next door neighbour is NEVER home so i am grateful they are gone so they don't have to see the pile of wool out there or smell it.

i have to figure out somewhere i can place this nasty wool where it can be safe and i won't be able to smell it. i have a big trunk with 100 pounds of newspaper and magzines in it which have articles about me in that i still haven't sorted through.
i guess i could take all those out and put the wool in that.
but i'm just not so sure if bringing that into my house would be a very good thing AT ALL.

oh crap. i just realized that i am supposed to rinse the wool out with vinegar to get the soap out.

if i had a big yard to deal with this in, this wouldn't be so bad. but trying it in a cramped apartment is not such a good idea.

maybe when it comes down to it i will have to throw away the rest of the wool and be happy with my little bunch of wool i cleaned.

i need a BIG KETTLE to simmer my wool in so i don't have to put it in the tub.
any ideas of where to get the biggest kettle i can that will also fit on a stove?

-----------------------
[17 Aug 2002|02:56am]
well i sat in the hallway for a few hours with a scissors and chopped away all the dirty parts of the wool. i'll bet my hands will have tiny blisters by tomorrow.
now instead of 15 pounds of wool, i have 7 pounds of clean wool.
and i think when the short hairs get separted from the longer hairs during the carding process 9 you want the long ), i'll have half again.

i wouldn't buy dirty wool again for ten bucks. because i'll only get 4 out of it but paid for shipping 15 pounds, so it's not worth it. good to know!

also, i have no idea how to raise a llama let alone perhaps a lot of them if you have a farm...but it would seem to me it would be way more profitable to WASH the llamas and comb their fur so that when you sheer it...it's nice and clean and with wayyyyy longer hair. so much easier, so much nicer, so much more profitable.

but, as i've said, i know nothing about raising llamas!

i am glad i am going through this process , tho, because now i can discern that there are different textures with wool depending on when you sheer it and how old it is. i was reading about that on the internet but now i have a fuller understanding.

also, once you get the dirty wool off...the clean actually doesn't smell too bad. it, of course, smells like lanolin...sweet and pungent.

i want my own llama now even more so that i can keep it clean then get LUXURIOUS wool! plus, i can see how it would mean so much more if i knew the animal whose wool i was spinning. it would be very precious.

it also gives me a feeling of satisfaction to work for this yarn! i wonder what i will make out of it?

i need to find a video tape that shows how to use a drop spindle and all that.

i'm sure this is REALLY interesting to you :)

i'm getting sleepy now...

g'nite :)

EBAY [17 Aug 2002|06:35pm]
firstly, if you bought something from me on ebay and haven't received it yet...i sent out everything to everyone ( except for the underwear, toothbrush, cookies, and letter )

secondly, how many ounces in a pound

thirdly: ah! it's NOT llama wool it's sheep!
"This is a natural product from range sheep grazing in the fertile & some times weedy valleys of the Umpqua in or near Roseburg Oregon"

i am looking into felting now. i could also felt some with this wool :)

---------
i am full of garlic chicken :)
i might have to take a nice saturday nap :)

orb obsession [17 Aug 2002|07:39pm]
mmm, my orb obession continues :) click here :)

turn your penis into a dildo or a lollipop! [18 Aug 2002|02:03am]
http://www.morningwoodlabs.com/

now, i gotta somehow get jason to do this for me!

WHY am i still up??? [18 Aug 2002|03:05am]
some gorgeous bathtubs!
http://www.bette.de/

felt felt felt!!! [18 Aug 2002|03:25am]
if i wrapped myself in wool yarn then went into a hot bathtub and then rubbed the yarn all over to felt it....then dryed it with a hairdryer and then cut it off me...
would i have a good form of my body that i could then use as a dress form?

or if i felted the wool in a cake pan then pressed it against a mannequin head and let it dry there...would i have a felt face mask?

could i wrap a mannequin in wool and felt it on the mannequin until i finally have enclosed the mannequin entirely in felt?

enquiring minds want to know.

ok, i'm going to bed now...

a place for everything [18 Aug 2002|04:34pm]
jason and i went to target and there was sooooooo much stuff for organizing that i wanted! but i had to just get a few things since i couldn't afford to get all of it right now. i am REALLY excited about getting TOTALLY organized in my life!
weirdly, i think crocheting gave me the power to get excited about organizing as crocheting bring an organization and peace to me.
and now that peaceful order is spilling into other aspects of my life :)

i got three shoe organizer things that fit over a door!
i've never had my shoes organized so i am REALLY excited at this!

and i got a clear plastic holder that uses a suction cup for my toothbrush and my razor.
and i thing to hold my soap.

and i got a new todd oldham floor lamp fixture with 5 lights on it that are bendy, since all my lamps except 2 have broken.

and i got a 16 quart aluminum pot to clean my wool in and a cake pan to make felt

i got a little bit of cutlery since i have almost no cutlery. and silver mitten potholders!

and i got some cedar balls :) thank you for telling me about those :)

am i turning into martha stewart?

things i need but couldn't get now are:

those clear plastic drawers that stack on top of each other..but they open like a drawer...so i don't have to deal with unstacking boxes if i want to open the bottom drawer. and need A LOT of those to put on those black wire shelves i have.
and i want to get a TON of space bags!
and i want three trash containers that have lids but you open them with your foot so that i have no more pupsters getting into my trash bins and dragging trash around. oh JOY!
i can't WAIT to have a place for EVERYTHING. it will be so calm and peaceful and clean and wonderful!

cotton corset [18 Aug 2002|11:35pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

i am looking for corsets made out of cotton.

not leather, rubber, satin, silk, lace, vinyl or pvc

i want cotton and only the kind that cinches in your waist..i don't want it to have a bustier on it or be fancy in anywway.

is there such a thing anymore? know what i mean?

[ mood | crushed ]

jesus christ! i missed the date of rsvp for the premier of cirque du soleil! THIS IS A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHY IT IS NOT A GOOD THING TO BE DISORGANIIZED!!!!! i am sad :(
i DO have tickets to cirque du soleil at a later day. but AAAAAAA i wanted to take one of my friends to this one! and fuuuuuck! i'd love to see it twice!!!!
DEAR GOD NOoooooooooo!!!!
i am sad. not in a good mood. iehfiwjf;ornc983u4c3[p9c5punceujdrkhgslkjcgd.
PLEASE I BESEECH THE GODS AND GODDESSES OF CIRQUE DU SOLEIL TO HAVE A MIRACLE HAPPEN THAT STILL ALLOWS ME TO GO TO THE PREMIERE! I BEG OF YOU! AMEN!!!

that dance game you see at arcades [19 Aug 2002|02:19pm]
you know that dance game you see at arcades?
is there a version you can buy for home use that two people could use just like at the arcade?
i think i have seen ones for sale somewhere for home where you dance on a plastic mat like twister?

[19 Aug 2002|03:08pm]
kiitos and i are going to go walk down by the railroad tracks and look for found objects for her paintings. and we both want the excercise :)
i'm going to wear my yellow crinolen :)

[20 Aug 2002|02:05am]
3 ana voog cds for sale right now on ebay

[20 Aug 2002|02:03pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

nothing interesting to say today. just more cleaning and organizing. it's pretty much gonna be this until i move. gottta keep plugging away on it.
i really need some boxes.

[20 Aug 2002|03:16pm]
what is the french word for "leg"?

[20 Aug 2002|10:50pm]
how do you say "my leg fell asleep" in french?

and how do u say it in german?

and how much does it cost to send a letter these days? is it 38 cents?

A HUGE WONDERFUL FUNKY MYSTERIOUS SMOOSHY CRUNCHY SPARKLY WEIRD SENSUAL MINDBENDING EYE OPENING YUMMY SUPER NUMMY!!! [21 Aug 2002|02:16am]
THIS IS A HUGE WONDERFUL FUNKY MYSTERIOUS SMOOSHY CRUNCHY SPARKLY WEIRD SENSUAL MINDBENDING EYE OPENING YUMMY SUPER NUMMY FIVE POUND BOX OF SURPRISES!! YOU WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED! :)) i'm cleaning my house to move and i uncovered lots of serendipitous things that can't wait to play at your house! CLICK HERE!!!!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------
---------------------------------
and..........

12 pairs of my kick ass shoes for sale!!! ClICK HERE! you'll never have the opportunity to buy shoes from me again during this decade!!! these shoes are damn SPECIAL! :)

[21 Aug 2002|09:04pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

i am talking about who got voted out of american idol today. for those who have yet to still see it do not read:

it's ANACAM'S 5th ANA-VERSARY!!! [22 Aug 2002|12:23am]
[ mood | thankful ]

it's ANACAM'S 5th ANA-VERSARY!!!

and anacam will continue to go on! boring or not! :)
anacam has it's cycles and it's evolutution and who knows what new technology will be at our fingertips and what will happen with all our lives as we continue to watch and be watched :)

i want to thank all my friends and supporters for these 5 years. i know it sounds cheesy to say, but anacam wouldn't be here in the form it is now if it hadn't been for those who give me the strength to carry on! you are the inspiration to me!

to all those who never speak but just silently watch and support, my hats off to you!
to those who sometimes speak to much ( uh...i think i'm talking about myself here? ), my hats off to you!
for those who have come in gone whether that be in a few hours or a few years...you have all contributed to my site and to my LIFE, more importantly.

i have have grown strong through my trials and errors with you, even tho i still remain vulnerable. i have learned A LOT and i hope you have, too!

i will always be here as your home away from home. i will continue to follow my heart with this project and do what i do when it comes from a genuine love to do it and not an obligation. this way , when i do things, you know they are real and from my heart :)

i sure didn't think when i first started this project that THIS is where i'd be...not on MTV but CROCHETING, with three dogs :) lol :) i'm very very joyful that it turned out this way thus far :)
i have never been as happy as i am right now :)

tomorrow i'll have to go get some champagne and drink it with you :)

and happy birthday to bingman, who i believe is older than 5 today :) woo hoo!

[22 Aug 2002|07:35pm]
i'm gonna sleep at jaosn's tonight 'cause tomorrow he leaves for a week to a remote viewing thing. i am gonna miss him so much!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(

[23 Aug 2002|12:47pm]
jason has left. he'll be back the night of the 31st. it's gonna be so weird to not be with him for so long! plus he won't be here for my big move! next time i see him i'll be in a new apartment!

i got rid of two huge garbage bags of paper stuff yesterday. manuals to thigns i don't won anymore...bits of paper i wrote tuff on to remember but now i don't need that. tons and TONS of paper stuff.

i've noticed that one thing i collect a lot are jars, boxes etc to put things in someday. but i never put anything in them because that is not the kind of storage i need. i have nothing that fits in them. i keep saving everything like that 'cause i'm a nut for turning junk into something useful. but i am not going to collect and store every jar that comes my way and every little box that comes my way no matter how cute it is.

another thing i save is all the extra screws , etc that come with things you have to put together...or extra telephone cords i do not need, all that kind of stuff. i think "maybe someday i will need that exact screw"...but forget it. ya, once in a blue moon i need to get something like that out...but...not very often. it's not worth saving all that stuff.

ya, and manuals to things i don't own anymore. and all those registration cards to things i never register. and all those busted cords that i might find something useful to do with someday.

all the magazines i keep hoping someday i'll find someone who wants them...
all the magazines i buy and never read.
all the soap i have that is not my fave kind so i'll never use it.
all the rubber bands.... ohhhh maaan.

i had 5 hammers.. who needs 5 hammers? how did i even GET 5 hammers?

all that paper i save because it'd be good for scrap paper. jeeeez. so much.
all those aol cdroms because they'd be pretty to glue on something someday...
oh ya...well, i guess i'll keep those :)

well, it's another day of cleaning and organizing for me!

45 quart clearview storage drawer by sterilite [23 Aug 2002|03:29pm]
if any one could help me find this exact thing online so i can buy it, let me know :) ( click here to see it :)

[23 Aug 2002|05:01pm]
i am starting to doubt that all my stuff will fit into my new apartment. oy vey.

i didn't even know it, but i have been in this apartment since august of 1998! 4 YEARS! I HAD NO IDEA. I THOUGHT IT WAS MAYBE 2 YEARS.(oops , caps lock )

sleepcam, bathroomcam, kitchencam [23 Aug 2002|06:49pm]
when i move into my new apartment, things are going to automatically change in favour of the cam. righe now i have rooms i cannot get the cam into because my cords don't stretch or it is too much of a hassle to gte my cam in there.

but in the new smaller apartment, there are really only two rooms that are very close together and i don't need a long cord. so there will be the return of : sleepcam, bathroomcam, and kitchencam! :)

p.s. i just ordered 8 "space bags". i hope they are as cool as i think they will be! i need them!

[24 Aug 2002|01:05pm]
i feel so anxious today. i think all this moving business is starting to overwhelm me and stress me out. yesterday i picked up too many books and lost my balance and reall banged my knees on my cement floor. ouch.
i can't wait until all of this is over and done with and i know if everything fits in there or not.
a girl named amber is coming over here at 5 to give me some boxes and perhaps take a mannequin. i'm thinking of parting with alice, the black mannequin with the gold swirly design i made on her. her head is chopped off, but it could be glued back on. someone was trying to turn her into a robot, long ago, and that i why her head is removed. silly boys. they didn't know that alice IS a robot already!

my anxiety is getting less now as i type this.

[24 Aug 2002|03:08pm]
i think i just have to take a break today from all this moving stuff.
i have to have a day where i can be mellow.
i might go up to jason's and watch cable tv.

oh ack. somehow i have managed to lose everyone's phone # who had boxes for me :/ blarg. i must be braindead.

email trouble [24 Aug 2002|04:41pm]
this is not a good day for me.
now, on top of everything else, i lot of email that was in my ana2 webmaster email has disappeared on me!
if anyone uses pegasus mail and can tell me where i can find the "deleted" folder, let me know! it seems i do not have a deleted folder, and i don't know why. i've never had to olok in the deleted folder until today! i want to make sure i didn't accidentally delete these email messages. fuckkkkkkk.

if you have sent me an email to my webmaster email within the last month...if you could...would you please re-email me?
-------------------
it hasn't been a good day for me.

here is my horror-scope:
"Dear Ana, here is your Horoscope for August 24, 2002

A period of great inner transformation and, as a result, powerful
upheavals in your outer life, is coming upon you now, Ana. A part of you
wants to welcome it and charge on ahead, while another part holds back,
possibly out of fear, or a lack of self-confidence. While resistance can
delay this change, it cannot stop it, so it might be best to go with the
flow and continue forward in spite of misgivings. Hang in there!"
-------------------------

amber came over and gave me a bunch of boxes! now i can continue packing because i just couldn't get anywhere today without boxes! she was very sweet :)
i gave her some goodies for her kindness. a little red apron, all my tori memorabelia ( she was even wearing a tori shirt! ), this glass candle thing, a goofy painting, and my jumbo alice in wonderland colouring book, and this cool little purse :)

BB3 [24 Aug 2002|05:33pm]
big brother is on tonight? or no?
my tv guide says it is...yet, i thought it wasn't.
?

[24 Aug 2002|07:10pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

i miss my jason :(

a desert full of colourful tumbled rocks [25 Aug 2002|11:25am]
i dreamt about a desert full of colourful tumbled rocks :)
and i could watch lightning storms and tornadoes that were far away with awe. and i saw a flood happen in slow motion. but it was sunny where i was. the temperature was perfect. the only bad thing about the dream was i could not stay because i was on tour.
i think that was my first nice dream in years :) i think i'll keep thinking about that for awhile :) and next time i dream it, if there is a next time, i must stay!

p.s.
has anyone heard of Jukius Knipl?
it's a comic strip and i was wondering what it was all about and if you think i would like it :)

[25 Aug 2002|12:45pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

yesterday:
my purse was stolen and now i have to get the locks changed , too, for both jason's locks and mine. each will cost $125 to change. i think i have gotten to the point where have to sell my rickenbacher guitar. to pay for my moving costs, too and some bills and food. i will figure it out.
i am really going to miss my hello kitty lunch box purse. if anyone ever sees another red hello kitty lunchbox, let me know! i had such cool stickers on there, too :(
oh well...a time for new beginnings. a new purse.

and my mom's husband wrote me an email about how cruel i am to my mother. great. he doesn't even know my side of the story at all. i tried in the best of all possible ways to explain it to him. i was just sick all day yesterday that he did that. i haven't heard a word back since. he wanted to bring some things over that my mom had for me( actually the things she wants to give back are MY things, i LENT her stuff ).... then when i told him that would be fine ( i also have a bag of things for my mom ), but don't have mom come. he called me cruel. now is that emotional blackmail or what?
i mean, what was he thinking?
oh SURE have mom come over because she has a bag of my things i lent her for me! as if that changes anything. now i am the ungrateful cruel daughter in his mind, too. whatever. i understand that he is going to side with his wife and i even understand how he could be angry with me if he has never even heard my side of the story. but after i explained EVERYTHING to him, and not a word back ( and i even said at the end of my letter that if he sees how i could have done things differently or said things clearer, to let me know! )....i mean, i just thought he's be even just a little bit fair. just a tiny miniscule SOMETHING fair. whatever whatever whatever. i try my best. maybe he will write me an email today. i'm not going to hold my breath.
and now i don't get my things back, either?
i was warned by him, in a hugely passive aggressive way, not to write about this in my journal.
keep all those little dirty secrets hidden.

i'm feeling a lot more normalized today. i think i can get some packing done. i made coffee and i'm gonna blast some david bowie.
********************************

things are WAY worse for duckydoo , tho! go give her some good JUJU! she needs it! her roomate ripped her off and now she has to move pronto! poor thing :(

********************************

here is my horror-scope for today:

Dear Ana, here is your Horoscope for August 25, 2002

You might find that you are a bit jittery even without the caffeine,
Ana. Sudden actions may cause people to freak out, since in general,
people will be on the edge today anyway. Save the surprises for another
time. If you need to tell your boss that you're going on vacation for a
little while, now is not the time to do it. There is a rough edge to the
astral energy. Eat hot oatmeal to sooth your soul.

[25 Aug 2002|01:03pm]
[ mood | determined ]

must keep thinking about the good dream.....
have coffee....
blast music...
pack...

lava lamps [25 Aug 2002|01:27pm]
what are the ingredients in a lava lamp, anyway? wax and oil?
i am totally entranced by my lava lamp! i've never had one before. thanks to bob the rat!
i like it 'cause it makes orbs :) i could stare at it forever. it helps me get to sleep at night.

i have gotten a bunch of subscribers in the last few days. i wonder why?
was i on tv or something?

DIG THIS SHIT [25 Aug 2002|02:48pm]
[ mood | enraged ]

here is what my mom's husband just wrote to me.

" I have received all your materials. Making yourself out to be a victim does not become you. So, engaging in your exaggerated ramblings of pain and harm is beside the point. Apparently you don't see any of your behav ior as the cause of your series of problems some of which I have had to witness and sometimes have gotten drawn into--to say nothing about what your Mother has had to put up with. Insight is hard to come by as long as you keep your long list of excuses near to hand. When you do come clearer about your self and have need of help I will gladly give it, as will your Mother, but for that you would have to give up the blaming of others that has become so precious to you. In the meantime lets hope you haven't lost all humor and perspective--and that your prayers at the dildo altar are working for you! I remain your loyal and everhopeful fan and really do wish that I could help move you, for example. Wouldn't that be fun! "

i sent all the emails that i had ever sent my mother during our trouble to him in hopes that that would help out. and THIS is what he says to it. well he can just FUCK THE HELL OFF!

and here is what i wrote to him yesterday:

"i can understand your anger with me and i don't begrudge you for it. your wrote, "though I can't quite understand the silence and cutting off". if you can't understand why it is that i won't see her, then of course, that would make you angry. and since we haven't spoken about this subject, just you and i, you onlly know her side of the story, which i'm sure is absolutely convincing. i know that even she doesn't know why...i don't know if she chooses to forget why, or she blocks it out, or what is the deal with that since i have explained it to her in absolutely clear langauge many many many times in many many many different ways inhope that she wouldn't finally "get it". it actually frightens me extremely that she cannot understand my extremely simple reason i don't want to see her. the reason i don't want to see her is because she keeps insulting me to the very core of my being and she won't stop. she doesn't give me the same politeness you would even give a stranger on the street. how would you feel if your mother rejected you on EVERY level? it's a pain so primal i cannot even give it words. she doesn't like who i am, what i do, what i think about, what i stand for, and what i love. she has called me stupid, although she will deny this, she will deny all of this. to have my own mother DENY all the horrible things she says to me makes it 10 times worse because i feel absolutely like a non-entity around her. my pain not even real. she thinks i live in a worlld of denial and deceit, she thinks i shame womankind and i promote rape. she tells me i'm stupid. she says i am a product of my environment for all i di that she considers bad, then if i do something "good" in her eyes, SHE takes the credit by saying she has been praying for me. so basically in her eyes i am a puppet, never making decisions of my own. she says i have low self esteem, then she tell me my breasts are grotesque or my hair looks like a tumour on my head. it is all well and FINE for her to think these things and believe these things. but does she have to tell me? everytime i talk to her? using the most crushing and brutal and CRUEL of language? hurting my feelinig beyond words. my own mother? who is being cruel here? ALL i want is that she stop being being verbally absusive to me. but she does't even comprehend that she is doing that. so why would she stop? i am not seeing her out of self preservation and i think that would be a logical and very good decision considering all i have said. and all i say is just one tiny cell that makes up a huge monster of verbal abuse. i told her we could talk by email. the reason i want it that way is so that i can document our conversations and our words will not be misconstrued as we can go back to them and refer to them as to make sure we are being very CLEAR on what we say and what we said. and i know she hates email because it hurts her eyes. but email or handwritten letters are the oNLY way i will communicate with her because i believe this to be the ONLY way we will ever get this solved. that way she cannot ever deny or forget what she has said. and i think that is the REAL reason she doesn't want to communicate with me in that way...she cannot twist around anything anymore. there will be documented words. it's the only way i can feel that i am not being taken advantage of by her word twistings. if she feels the same way about me, then all the better we write our words down. if my emails hurt her eyes, then simply print them out with a large font and give them to her. print out ALL my emails to her....and you read my emails, too. it's all in there." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- then i sent all the emails. all the emails i sent mom are in my LJ from months ago. i won't post them all here but if anyone wants me to forward them to you, just email me. I REALLY DON'T NEED THIS SHIT! I AM NEAR TEARS NOW!!!! i am just trying to fucking pack! and deal with my purse being stolen and all this fucking crap. fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkkkk. i should have NEVER replied to his email. but i really didn't know he felt this way since i haven't talked to him since this whole mom thing went down. i was giving him the benefit of the doubt. well, now i know. i could scream right now but it wouldn't be nearly loud enough ot tortured enough to even reflect how i feel. i have to remember my dream i had last night. i think angels must have sent that dream to me because they knew that i'd need something positive to hold on to today. when i dreamt i was in the desert...i watched the floods and tornadoes and lightning from afar, safe and not in the way of harm. i must remember that i am not in the way of harm. i can go back to collecting beautiful stones. i am trying to pull it together here. i am not going to let his SHIT get me down. but i have to express my anger and SORROW somehow someway. fuck, i don't even want this rob me of ONE MORE SECOND of my LIFE!!!!! arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh more here: http://www.livejournal.com/talkread.bml?journal=ana&itemid=879601#cutid1

[25 Aug 2002|05:15pm]
i hate it when one of my doggies throws up. yuck.
poor little monster.

[25 Aug 2002|05:37pm]
i'm putting the little books on hold now until i finsih moving. i am too overwhelmed with packing and cleaning and organizing for my move to work on anything else right now. but working on little books will continue after i've moved!

[25 Aug 2002|07:59pm]
if you paid for ana2 access with paypal and haven't gotten in yet, please let me know...i lost all my emails!

[26 Aug 2002|12:52pm]
3 days until i move!
i got my period.
i'm going to the little store to get some cokes.
discuss.

go for it! [26 Aug 2002|02:14pm]
[ mood | curious ]

post whatever you want to this :)

anger [26 Aug 2002|05:11pm]
i am trying to not think about my mom and her husband. but i just feel absolutely violent about it. i can't get over it. i can't believe the fuckiing emotional blackmail they are putting me through just so i can have MY vintage curtains back. it's not about the curtains but it's about me feeling extremely fucked over because if the way they are using my $1,000 vintage curtains that i so lovingly collected over 11 years, that i kindly lent my mom for the past 7 years, to just TOTALLY fuck me over even more. to have the AUDACITY to tell me that *I* am cruel because it would HURT me to see my mom. it' s absolutely just fucking mindbendingly evil! it's like the curtains are my symbol of taking something i love and just fucking me with it. god, if i saw my mom's husband right now i would just want to PUNCH his fucking face SO much!
it makes me want to pretend to be all nice so they send me the curtains and then go HAHA, NOW i have my curtains and you can't FUCK me with this anymore! and slam the door on them. what GALL!!!!!!! i am appalled. i am beyond any words to decribe how malicious they are. how fucking sad and pathetic their lives must be. i feel like those curtains are my last link to my mom and i want them OUT of her house. i am so ANGRY.
makes me just want to take them to court to get them back. thsoe goddamn fuckers.

i hate feeling this way.
but i am just so angry.

i know a lot of you are not going to relate to being angry about curtains. but i am, obviously, very passionate about them. imagine if someone took your expensive coin collection that would take years to replace. or possibly never. something you worked on for a over a decade...just GONE.

my 12 string rickenbacher for sale [26 Aug 2002|05:40pm]
i don't know the serial #
but it is a 330 type
it's cherry red with black enamel tuning pegs and pick ups
it's very slick!
right now it is covered on the front with a huge silver glitter sticker so it sparkles and sparkles on stage. and i have had many a rock star covet it. the sticker would easily come off.
there si a bit of silver body paint on the back from when i would paint myself silver from head to toe and do my shows topless. the paint will come off with soap and water.
12 string and it stays in TUNE very very well! ( i have owned about 10 rickenbachers and this one is by far the best one i have ever had )
i believe was made around 1992.
it's in near mint condition.
it might even be mint...i haven't checked it for any dings..but i really don't think there are any.
i took care of it very well.
it comes with a black hardshell case.

i played it on my cake and it eat album, my spool forka dish album, my anavoog.com album

i would part with it for $1,000

no, i don't have any pictures of it at this time..but just look up what a rickenbacker 330 looks like on the net..imagine it cherry red...and that's it!

[26 Aug 2002|06:21pm]
no more wire coat hangers!!!

sueing my mom. [26 Aug 2002|06:30pm]
i mean, it's just about getting treated as a human being, with dignity and respect! to be taken SERIOUSLY! i mean, my pain is not serious to them. they treat my like a little child! you couldn't just get away with not giving back some very expensive curtains to an ADULT, y'know? they would never say these things to an ADULT. they shouldn't even say these things to a child! but fucking a...they treat my like i am in a class that is lower than them. subhuman. they think they can take things away from this tiny girl subhuman and not have to have ANY consequences for their actions??

well, i am REALLY considering sueing them. and i'm sure they will learn NOTHING from it. but why should i cower and let them treat my like this? who the fuck do they think they are???? some fucking godlike parent things with no rules when it comes to their children who ae now ADULTS? send me to bed without my supper?? what the fuck?

i know i should let this go, but DAMN, i just feel subservient if i do! i don't want to feel like this!!!! those fucking self righteous assholes!!!

what are they gonna do? tell me i can't have any christmas presents? GROUND me???
what the fuck????

why do they think they can get away with treating a human being like this???

who the fuck are THEY to withhold my curtains because i like to use a dildo?
fucking C'MON!!!!

ya, you wanna see your daughter?? see me in COURT , assholes.

be careful what you wish for, mother.

[26 Aug 2002|07:58pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

my heart feels like it is made of lead.

pickle jars [26 Aug 2002|11:35pm]
i have someone who wants to buy my guitar. and they are in minneapolis! woo hoo!

jason called me and we talked for an hour and that cheered me up a bit :) i love him sooo much! i can't wait until he is home so i can snuzzle and smoosh him!!!

my heart is not so heavy now. i love him love him love him!

and if i can sell my guitar i wouldn't be fucked for rent and the movers and my webservers.

and of course, if i can keep my ass OFF ebay. i kinda went a bit hog wild on fiber art stuff and so i have only myself to blame for my finances right now. but goddammit, i have an insatiable desire to learn everything right now and inspect everything!

these things were like my books and supplies for fiber arts college ( except those crinolines...ya, that was just for being a girl :)

when i get really depressed sometimes i stretch my finances too much. and that's a really bad trait. but hey, i pull through and i am REALLY happy with my yarn and crinolens. they bring me much pure joy.

i love yarn. i think i am developing a fetish for it! when i get it i just wanna roll around in it and smell it! ya, i am a cat. i can't help it.

i think after i move i will have a get together where everyone helps me roll my yarn into balls. i'll make spaghetti and have wine. then i can display my yarn in orb form on a shelf all it's own. i think that would be a very pretty way to store it.

i think i need then some sort of transparent glass or plastic dome type thing that i can put over it to prevent it from getting dust on it.

maybe i will have to eat a lot of pickles from huge jars so i can put those over top? who knows.
----------------------------------

you know those clear plastic zipper bags that comforters and blankets, etc, are packaged in? if anyone has any that they wanna get rid of , let me know! i need them to put my fabric in :)
or does anyone know where you can buy those?

poop [27 Aug 2002|12:19am]
does anyone know what that stuff is called that you put in the dog food that stops them then from eating their poop?
and if i can get this online or something similiar?

[27 Aug 2002|12:04pm]
i had a dream that a horrible blob thing was eating the entire planet.
it was horrible and painful as it tried to make it's way up my leg and into my arms and take me over. gross.
i threw all the dogs off the roof to kill them so they wouldn't have to feel the pain of the blob eating them. and then i couldn't believe that i had done that and i threw myself off the roof.
god, it was awful.

i am feeling more calm today depite the dream.
i don't have much more to say yet, as i am still in the process of waking up.
time for a diet coke and tunes.

is september 2nd "labor day"?

[27 Aug 2002|02:15pm]
moving sucks.

[27 Aug 2002|03:38pm]
i politely emailed my mom and asked for my curtains back. and she said she would in a few weeks after she got some new ones up to replace mine... even tho in MAY she wrote me, "I have already taken the curtains down and replaced them with something else"
so...
since she lied about that who knows when i'll see the curtains. but at least she said now that she would return them to me in a few weeks. HOW she is returning them to me, i don't know.

i am glad she is being civil about this and i hope it all works out i get them back!
------------------------------------------
i got my space bags today and i'm going to shrink down some things.
packing is getting harder now as it's getting more detailed and not so obvious. and i have so many things that don't fit in boxes

i hope this day gets done fast.
kiitos is coming over later to help me get my meds and stuff

space bags! yay! [27 Aug 2002|03:56pm]
wow, space bags kick ASS! i just got 3 HUGE garbage bags (2,500 pom poms! ) worth of pom poms into this size of a folder blanket! i am in love with space bags!

and when it's done it looks like a weird multicoloured astronaut sculpture!
it's like getting to laminate your piles of clothing :)
i wanna shrink wrap EVERYTHING.

damn. i need more JUMBO space bags! that was WAY too much fun :))

ixnay on the acespay agbay [27 Aug 2002|09:50pm]
ok, now ALL my space bags are getting larger again. air is getting in them from somewhere. i am very disappointed about this :(
i thought they were the answer to my prayers.
oh well....at least they are like giant ziplock bags that will help me keep my fabric organized and dust free.

hand of death [27 Aug 2002|10:42pm]
i'm going to jason's to watch a B movie horror film called "hand of death".
kiitos and i kicked ass on the packing thing today! i got more boxes and garbage cans with LIDS. no more doggies in the trash!
i also got this very cute todd oldham area rug that looks like the twister game for only $24! target rocks :)

i am on my way to being a clean and organized person!

the continuing saga of the space bag [28 Aug 2002|11:03am]
ok, i know you are all on the egde of your seats to know what is happening next!
here is the deal:
6 space bags are staying flat and sealed.
7 space bags are puffing back up.

mostly the ones that are puffing back up are the "large" size bag.
bags that are not puffing: "jumbo"
and bags that are 75% staying sealed: the "hanging" space bag.

i am wondering if the ones that are puffing up i just stuffed too much over the limit, so i will try taking some out of those are resealing them. 'cause i really did cram stuff in there.

even tho i have only 50% success, i still like space bags because they keep my fabric safe and together and dust free and i can SEE into the bags. also, they are pretty cheap ( 10 bucks a bag ) and very easy to use.

the scoop on moving [28 Aug 2002|11:09am]
so here is the deal on the moving situation:

tomorrow afternoon i get keys to my new place so i can start moving stuff in.i'm gonna ask my friends if they'd come over and help me move the small and medium sized things. then the next day, the same thing. it's on the 31st that the movers come and move all the really big stuff. and then i still have sunday, the 1st, but i am going to cirque du soleil on that day...but i'll still move the last bits ( if there are any ) on that day.
and then monday is a holiday so i have that day, too! and that is the day i will go back in and clean up everything in my old apartment.
i am wanting to hire a cleaner for that day but i don't think anyone will come on on a holiday. dunno!

so that's the scoop on moving.

my dsl and phone SHOULD be working in the new apartment so the transition of the cam SHOULD go smoothly! but you know how dsl companies are. also, it seems every time i ever move my computer...something screws up. so there is a chance there will be some technical difficulties.

[28 Aug 2002|12:44pm]
i guess i'll just stop trying to figure out how to pack logically and neatly and just start shoving things into bags and boxes. oy.

[28 Aug 2002|03:41pm]
ooo, i got the keys to my new place! so i am gonna start moving a few things up there now!
i'm gonna move all my blankets up there and go sit in there and figure out where i want things. i'm gonna take some polaoids of it empty.
i think i am definitely going to have to get rid of a lot more things 'cause it's gonna be a tight squeeze. especially mannequins., i dunno where those are gonna go at all!
i guess i could suspend them from the ceiling! i might just do that.

[28 Aug 2002|05:20pm]
i am neither here nor there...
i am in between worlds.
and i don't like it!

i walk back into my apartment i have now and i see my gorgeous windows and my gorgeous view with the gorgeous light and i can't believe i have to give this up. it's so spacious and wonderful and breathtaking and rrrgh..i am so gonna miss it. especially in the winter when i need sunshine and sun sun comes POURING in absolutely perfectly. my god.

now i look at a parking lot through my little windows and no more direct sunlight except for the morning...which i am not even awake to see anyway.

now i am having major deja vu! oh weird. i don't like this day at all.

i can build a house with coffee cans and chewing gum [28 Aug 2002|10:23pm]
i moved my tv into my new place and i can't get any reception at all. i can sort of get in 3 channels and barely make out what is going on. what a drag. i am so depressed about this. i feel like i'm moving into a rundown motel room. it even smells like one.
i'm hot and sweaty and keep getting fatter and if i ever felt like my 15 minutes were up...this is it right now.
i'm not saying this to get sympathy and it makes me pissed at myself that i feel i even have to write that sentence. that is one of the nicest things about having a paper journal that no one else reads is i can say things like that and not have anyone go " ahhh, nahhh, you rock!!" or "ya, you are stupid idiot."
not that i am saying it's a bad thing if you say "you rock! "
oh god. sometimes i hate onlinejournals that people can reply to.

anyway. just let me wallow.
i'll be fine. ya ya ya. but i don't feel like i will and i just don't want anyone trying to cheer me up right now.
grrr. i keep explaining myself and with each sentence getting more aggravated with this situation.
so i'll stop.

no, i won't.
fuck.
just whatever. paxil ruined a year of my life ( i am counting 6 months into the future for how long it will take me to lose all this fucking weight ).

augh.
i'm just going to go to jason's house now and sleep there and watch tv there because i cannot deal with either of my apartments because neither one feels like my home or is my home right now.

and i can't stop thinking about my mom and her husband. and i just need a good cry and a good hug and i need some sex and i need some chocolate and i have my period and i'm all alone and i am overwhelmed and my face is all puffy and full of zits with a bruise on my forehead 'cause moving things by myself is hard and i keep smacking into stuff. and god. i may just have to have the movers move EVERYTHING for me in the 31st because i can't deal. but i don't know if i can afford that but whatever.

i'm going to jason's now and i'm gonna have a coca cola moment.

i'll be fine.
but you know that already.
grr.
i'm an aries.
a fat bloated aries.
and i have lamps.
many lamps
and pointed things.
and grr.
i will survive.

and if there is a rich arab right now who will buy me a mobile home in alaska this would be the PERFECT time to jump right on in there and get that for me. k? ya, you KNOW you want to do it!

ya, ok, ya maybe you don't.

i can build a house with coffee cans and chewing gum.

more moving [29 Aug 2002|12:47pm]
man, oh man.
of course things can never go smoothly.
my dsl and phone were supposed to stay on at my old apartment at the same time as they were supposed to get turned on at the new aprtment...so i would have phone and dsl in both places simultaeously just for a few days.
but no.
i now have no phone or dsl in my old apartment. and my computer and phone are still threr.
so as of right now i have no phone, no dsl and no tv.
thank god i have jason's apartment to still connect with the world!

i hope to god my phone and dsl have been turned on in my new apartment or i will go mad.

so i guess today will be all about getting my computer into my new place and hooking it up and hope to allah that nothing breaks or goes haywire inbetween.
please pray to the computer gods that this , at least, will go smoothly.

and i have a roaring headache and my period to boot. i also have a new moving battle scar on my arm which makes that bruise # 234982394.

eebomb said she'd help today. maybe kiitos will, too. i'll have to call them now while i am here at jason's.
but if they are not home i don't know how i will wait for their call.

suckfest, USA.

so if anyone is trying to get a hold of me today through email or phone for whatever reason, please be patient as i do not have the means to get back to anyone right now.

thank you.

spaz [29 Aug 2002|01:13pm]
[ mood | stressed ]
i'm ok. i'm just having a spaz attack.
most of this will be over in 2 days. bear with me.
thank u :)

back to things that matter! [29 Aug 2002|08:30pm]
ok, i'm at jason's watching the mtv video music awards and "shakira" comes on and...
WOW??!!
a cross between zsa zsa gabor in her heyday and lene lovich/ nina hagen?
she rules!
SHE RULES!!!
wow!

hey, where is everyone? [29 Aug 2002|09:13pm]
[ mood | crazy ]
did i freak you all out?

[30 Aug 2002|04:12pm]
my kitchen and bathrrom are mostly moved, thanks to eebomb!
poor kiitos hurt her neck while moving a carpet :/
i feel awful that i was such a noodle at that moment that i couldn't help her lift :(

today i think i will focus on cleaning the kitchen and bathroom
and getting my computer moved and set up in my new apartment.

i slept at my new apt. for the first time with the puplets. slept on lots of blankets 'cause my bed isn't there yet.
had weird drems/ restless sleep.
but slept for 13 hours because i was so exhausted!

tomorrow the movers come between 11am and 4pm
then i still have 2 days after that to get the last of it and clean more.

jason comes home tomorrow night! i cannot wait!!!!

[30 Aug 2002|09:29pm]
my phone works at my new apt. but my dsl does not.
i called msn and was on the phone a long time until we figurred out that quest hasn't turned my dsl on in their end. augh.
i will call quest tomorrow.
i am ALMOST back up!

tomorrow the movers come sometime between 11am and 4pm to move most my stuff. then i have 2 days after that to move the odds and ends and clean the old apt.
the pupsters are getting used to the new apt. i still don't have a bed there or even a chair.

but i do have tv and a phone.

i hope to god the next time i move it will be into my HOUSE

i am doing better. i am getting used to having no home and being inbetween.

tomorrow jason comes home at night!
i need a hug from him so much!

tomorrow night we will roll around like exhausted pandas

update [31 Aug 2002|03:19pm]
the movers came and move most of my things. my new apartment is VERY VERY cramped!
you will not believe it until you see it!
it's as cramped as my old apartment (remember that place?) except WORSE! (who even knew that was possible?)
absolutel nuts. i have no idea where the mannequins could possibly go.
i am thinking of just saving their torsos and giving away their legs and arms.
if anyone wants some legs or arms, let me know.

i probably have about 12 square feet of walking space in my new place! i kid you not!

i will definitely have to take the dogs out for walks because they aren't going to get their excercise in my new apartment!

and get this...everytime someone unplugs the water from their bath...it overflows my toilet! oh yes. just what i need right now. at least it is sudsy bath water coming out instead of other things! gack.

i haven't checked yet today to see if my dsl is on. if i can FIND my computer under all my rubble, i will give it a go!

jason will be home in three hours! i cannot wait!

tomorrow i go to see cirque du soleil with my dad and jason and jason's parents. this will be the first time my dad meets his parents!

and i gotta cram in getting the rest of my stuff into my new apartment. i have no idea where it will go. i REALLY have no idea. it's pretty comical.

i am soooooo tired, i think i have to take a nap.
brain overload.

more later....