analog 082500

Saturday, August 19th, 2000

7:00p i'm just taking it easy today.

11:13a where is the streamng video?
i have discontinued the streaming with hereandnow because:

i am not satisfied with their communication skills or business practices.

the streaming video WILL be continued at www.ana2.com very soon

more details later when i have the energy. augh. and double augh.

3:49p what happened to the streaming video?
( a longer explanation )

i have discontinued the streaming with hereandnow because:

i am not satisfied with their communication skills or business practices.

a NEW FORM of streaming video WILL be continued at www.ana2.com very soon, perhaps.

and no, i did not stop the streaming at hereandnow so i could then charge for it. if someone has an offer that would alllow me to do streaming and audio for "free" in the manner i was capable of on hereandnow, please let me know. i open open to offers.

here is something i wrote in reply to artvamp..and i decided to post it up here so because thsi explains it better as to why i left.

re: hereandnow, a LOT goes on "behind the scenes" in negotiating. or maybe in this case i should say "nonnegotiating", since erik rarely gets back to me on anything or return my phone calls...his phone is even disconnected and he didn't even tell me what the new number was...if there IS a new number.
plus his posting of misinformation about my finances in the jennicam bbs and newsgroup and not even apologizing for it.
and i have not received a signable contract from him yet. he sent me the first draft ...then i wrote him back what i would like changed on it. then, that's the last i heard of that until he told me that he won't pay me this month until i sign a contract.
he promised me that he would call me yesterday about all of this, and i waited around ALL day for a phone call. and he didn't call.
that was the last straw.

and that is SOME things that are wrong. the list goes on and on and on. i am so utterly disapointed and i feel he has really dissed me not only as a business partner, but more importantly, as a friend.

added message in reply 2 lisa:

Re: Got a sort of unrelated question... and a related comment
ana
2000-08-20 11:53
when i had my livejournal redone the way it is now , months and months ago...the profile thing was not put in as an option 'cause i just forgot 2 have it added. i did not just now take it down, nor did i ever decidely take it down. but u can still get to it if u click on my picture when i reply like this, i think

re: hereandnow, a LOT goes on "behind the scenes" in negotiating. or maybe in this case i should say "nonnegotiating", since erik rarely gets back to me on anything or return my phone calls...his phone is even disconnected and he didn't even tell me what the new number was...if there IS a new number.
plus his posting of misinformation about my finances in the jennicam bbs and newsgroup and not even apologizing for it.
and i have not received a signable contract from him yet. he sent me the first draft ...then i wrote him back what i would like changed on it. then, that's the last i heard of that until he told me that he won't pay me this month until i sign a contract.
he promised me that he would call me yesterday about all of this, and i waited around ALL day for a phone call. and he didn't call.
that was the last straw.

and that is SOME things that are wrong. the list goes on and on and on. i am so utterly disapointed and i feel he has really dissed me not only as a business partner, but more importantly, as a friend.

you just started one NOW!!
i NEVER EVER EVER had the intention to ever charge for YOUR stream. never said that to anyone, to you, to erik, to MYSELF!

how could i charge people for your stream? that's ridiculous! of COURSE i loved that people could view it for "free"
i was very very happy with the set up. i am glad for that one month that i actually got paid. it was wonderful. i am sorry to see such a wonderful thing go. but DAMN, what erik did to me, which was to totally DISRESPECT me by posting misinformation about me on jenni's bbs and newsgroup, then not apologizing for it. then TOTALLY blowing me off for DAYS and DAYS during this. then he finally sent me an email saying he would call me yesterday. i stayed home ALL frigging day for that phone call that never did come.

now he says he didn't call cause he wasn't violently ill. YOU say on your site that it looks like he went to strip bars all night long. hmmm.

even if he was violently ill, he could have emailed me saying that he was violently ill. it's just all so unprofessional.

but more than that i am just HURT because i thought he was my FRIEND. but he has turned out to be a very noncommunicative asshole who seems to be capable of doing some very stupid things when he gets stressed out.

ALL he would have had to do is say he was SORRY. but he didn't. all he did was blow me off more.

plus just LYING about stuff. like being in charity's chatroom the night of the whole big jenni thing and telling my friend kaela and stacy other people that he was talking to me on the phone all the time when that just WASN'T the case. even telling them that he had just been recently on the phone with me ( for a second time ) about me coming to visit u in new orleans..when that was NOT THE CASE.

it just BLOWS ME AWAY.

i feel so utterly betrayed and totally dissed and totally disrespected by him.

i really really loved and appreciated the fun two months i had on hereandnow. i infinitely appreciated the 5 grand that i got and i put it to good use. i wish it could have gone on longer.

but the bottom line is, i just don't trust him anymore. and i feel really really sad about that.

and just to let u know lisa, i am not mad at YOU. i like u very much. i wish we would've gotten to hang out more.
i also do not like to see when here and now is wronged for things that are not true. and i have always defended here and now whenever i saw injustice against "it"

it is CRAZY how fast things get distorted. as u can see...the MORE info u give out , the MORE disinformation starts going. it's just impossible to combat..yet i continue to try...as do u

---ana voog

Monday, August 21st, 2000

3:04p i forgot that i was going out 2 lunch with my dad at 12:30 and the door rang and i was still in my pajamas! so i got dressed in a hurry!
we had a great talk, as we always do about many things. he liked the piano analogy thing i write and i told him about my idea to give disposable cameras to the homeless and many many things. and i got my vera little magnets in the mail, and i'm gonna go looka t athe rest of my mail now and sit and sit on the couch and inspect it and settle down and talk 2 jason a bita nd give the pupsters some love.
i feel pretty good today. and i think i'll make some coffee soon :) how are u?
i'm trying not 2 go into alt.fa.jennicam and set a few people straight in there. i have had enough battles now. time to move on :)

9:46p it's anacam's 3rd anniversary :)
ok, it's a few minutes before midnight...but that's technical enough for me :)
it's anacam's third ANAversary!!! :))) yay!!!

9:59p and my insight after 3 years of anacam is...
that i am happier being an
entertaining artist
than an
artistic entertainer

:)

Current Mood: accomplished

1:43p i am trying 2 stream with my real publisher again, and it always worked before with no problem, but now it says:
" warning: your video capture device is not configured to generate uncompressed RGB data. for best results, adjust the capture driver settings to produce 24-bit RGB data"
anyone know how i can do that?

7:52p ok, i figured it out..re: my entry below :)

10:54p shelves have arrived, but need 2 be assembled. as soon as they get assembled, i hope that 75% of my problems of where 2 put thinsg will be solved, which has been a big cause of my irritability and strain lately. i can't WAIT for the shelves 2 be built!

seems computer 2 has bit the dust at least for the moment. so it's off fo rthe night. my laptop is also not working.

i have been so depressed lately ( but then extremely elated at parts , too..and so so content and grateful :)
just about the house being a mess and everything breaking so it sucks all my time and energy away from doing creative things.
but then maybe i should think of creative solutions. i try

right now it's not so bad, 'cause it's the end of the day nad now i know i get to be in bed without feeking guilty about it. well, no i never feel guilty about it ...i just feel awkward when i'm in bed at the "wrong' time ' or "too much" according to other people.
i do what i want but i still feel the presuure , the judgement

maybe i will spend "all naked all week" IN BED!
that would be a nice twist on an "old tradition"
ye olde tradition :)

hey, i'm liking that.. all naked all week in bed :)
it's like john and yokos bed in :) they had such marvelous ideas :)

new anapix are up, did i tell u that?

ok, off 2 bed i go...i feel awkward being naked this week cause i weigh 107 and i am used to weighing 90 and my boob is crooked.
oh well...life' s little odidities.

i dare u 2 try going naked for a week. its' REALLY hard! i amean it is very very hard.
my body starts getting overstimulated from all the different textures hitting it!

i need vat of mango sorbet :)

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

11:17a i had a dream that i went to bill, wyoming 2 hang out for awhile. it's a real place that i saw when i was on tour with my band The Blue Up? , and it consists of a house and a store, 3 horses, a goat...i think. it's in the middle of nowhere. just big long unending prairies of dust. when we drove in there 2get some gas and food..they thought we were from outer space. i walked in there with my glitterly boots to look for something 2 eat. there was a really shy woman at the cash register and a table of about 5 cowboys in the back covered in dust and grime from head to toe, smoking profusely and playing cards.
all they had was canned food and all the cans were covered in dust, too.
the men remarked on my boots and said something like, " them shor is fancy boots" or something like that. and they helped us open our dusty cans of spagettios with a jackknife. the woman at the register just kept her head down in submissiveness. i asked her what the goat name was nad she got this little smile on her face, her head still down, but her eyes now shyly peeking at me a bit, and she said in a drawl, "walllll, we lak ta call her ol' beetch" :)

i think about that place a lot cause it's just so desolate. i wonder about that woman and how she's doing. i wonder where do those cowboys sleep at night.

anyway...i had a dream about bill wyoming...
i went back there to visit, and only the woman remained. the store was gone, it was just empty, and even withall it shelves of food gone, it was extremely small. i wondered how on earthwe were going to have room to sleep. she told me how pretty it was to live here in the winter with the miles and miles of snow. i told her that would make me apprehensive because how did she get her groceries then?
the sun was starting to go down, so we went for a quick walk. i wanted to see what was behind this one particular hill..and as we neared it there was a lot of snow all of a sudden and i started to get scared as it kept getting deeper and deeper past my waist. i decided that the only way safe way to explore that would be on cross country skiis.

i noticed that there where small rattlesnakes everywhere. about one every 5 feet. i got bit by one , and it was too small to be very poisonous to me. i wanted to step on the snakes to kill them because they scared me. but i knew i had been told that is an almost impossible way to kill them, and all u end up doing is pissing them off so they are more likley to bite u. but there were just so many i started panicking and stamping on them everywhere. i got one to be scared and it tried to run inside the ground through a hole it had made. then i saw it again with it's tail in it's mouth. so it made a circle.

what does that symbol mean again..when a snake swallows it's tail? i think it means infinity. and i know that snakes mean wisdom in my dreams.

so i got back to the house, and it was getting darker. one of the horses was in the house. it was a huge old female horse and it took up the entire house. they helped me onto the horse with a special contraption. i don't remember why i was on it. it semed like maybe for the tv news. but there was no news crew. maybe it was just to get used to being on the horse. i loved being on her. she was so warm and huge and i love horses.

then she started getting restless and i fell off. we then realized that she was about to have her baby now. i didn't realize she was pregnant until right then. they let the horse into the front lawn and the horse fell to it's side kicking in pain and she was having trouble with the labour, so the womanslapped the horse to piss her off so her anger would make her push the baby out harder. the sun was almost completelly down now nad i wished i could see it all clearer. this was the first birth of any kind i had the honour to witness. i could see the head emerging. and the horse writhed and kicked on it's side pushing and pushing. i knew i was witnessing something so special. i wished i had my cam so i could show it to everyone. i had no way to save the memory except in my head and it was almost totally dark now. the cole finally made it's way out and the embyonic sac came out and the umbilical cord. there was now a man here, too...one of the cowboys, and he helped and cut the cord. i had grabbed the coles head to help it out and my hands were covered with warm sweet sticky blood. i wanted to show u the blood or keep the blood somehow...make a painting with it because it was so special.
i watched the babay and wondered if it would just start beeathing on it's own. as soon as the cord was cut and it was getting no more supply of nutrients from the mother...its relexes kicked in and it gave a gurgly breath. and i was so astounded at nature and how it just did it all on it's own. the baby got on it's feet faster than i thought it woukd and , with pure instinct, went straight to its mother to suckle milk. and i'm like, how does that WORK, how does it just KNOW?

i wanted to save the embyonic sac to eat it as a special meal. i didn't want anything to go to waste.

i saw this thing on HBO ( real life now ), where a women had saved her afterbirth and put it in the freezer. then later on, had all of her friends over to have a party, and they made a pate out of it. even this women vegetarian tried some. everyone remarked on that it was very good. i thought it was so cool. like a magickal rite, to eat yourself and share it with your friends :)
but it goes deeper than that, to me

i remember that nauru, the camgirl, when she was lactating, was going to make cheese from her milk and send it to me, and i thought that was so utterly marvellous! SO many people grossed out on that, and i don't know why...since we most of us eat cheese...if it comes from US, why is it more gross than if it comes from a cow?
i think it's cooler if it comes from us, cause then we know we at least had the mammals permission to eat it!...plus it human, so it's natural for us to eat it. it IS the original human food.

i was never breast fed. i was born a month too soon and had to be put into an incubator for many weeks. my mom wasn't even allowed to touch me. she could only watch me througha window as the nurses fed me, my mom's one breasts lactating and hurting her both physically and mentally. barbaric. but that was 1966.

anyway, i wonder what my dream means. i'm usually pretty good at figuring out my own dreams, altho i'm stumped on this one. horses are SUPPOSED to symbolize death, and trains are supposed to symbolize sex. but i don't agree with that, for me. i think horses symbolize sex, to me, and trains symbolize death.
or at least horses symbolize something wild and free..altho this horse was not wild nor free. but i think it's inside spirit was still wild and free.

Thursday, August 24th, 2000

12:18p jason assembled the shelves for me, so now i am cleaning and organizing...trying 2 make pathways to get the shleves in place. i don't know what will go where yet, but i'm REALLY excited about getting my stuff off the floor, especially all my fabric so i can start sewing stuffed animals. i won on ebay a really great vintage stuffed animal pattern...that if i just make a few changes 2 it, i think i can make it look like my dogs :) then i can sell those so everyone can have a pooka dog :)

jason is listening 2 john cale

Friday, August 25th, 2000

2:17a i have 46 pairs of shoes!

11:52a did i tell u that new anapix are up? i think i did but i cannot remember!
www.anacam.com/anapix

i'm gonna work on a new anagram now..i have a gazillion pictures to sort through...
last night i sorted through over 4,000!

i hope i get the energy to organize more. i did so much yesterday it was crazy! but i still have SO far to go until it's all done. and even with all my new shelves, i realized i just don't have enough room in here to set up a space for the three things i want to do: sew, paint, make music. there is positively no room whatsoever 2 get all my keyboards out and hook everything up. so i guess i will have to make music on very tiny instruments, like the casio :) hehe :)
well, and of course i have my upright piano :) that needs to get tuned very much!
i can actually SIT on the floor of the thing room now!

i started stapling together the last of my bear spirit guide books last night. then got sleepy and stopped.

i love to staple things. i love to fold paper and stuff envelopes and stale. u know how there are always those those jobs that promise u lots of $ if u sort mail and stuff at home. did anyone ever try one of those?
i could spend hours , days, in office supply stores.

stapling and folding paper calms me down. i like the repitiousness of it. it slows my mind.
typing used to be that way for me 'cause i typed so slow with two fingers. but now i type really fast with three fingers, and it's not as calming as it once was.

i still have all the unvalentine's to make. u think i forgot anout those? no way :) i keep adding more things to stuff the envelopes with...like the fortunes inside fortune cookies.

if u are a member of ana2, and u have NOT given me your snail mail addy to receive an unvalentine from me, send me your username and password to my email adresss that is listed in ana2, and i will add u and u can get a silly unvalentine from me.

i call them unvalentine's because this is a project i started in february , and they WERE gonna be valentine's but as u can see it's now almost september, so they are definitely unvalentine's now :)

jason got the new Low cd, and is very lovely :)

i threw away the table that was in the livingroom that had all the keyboards on it, gathering dust. it was serving no purpose and was getting kinda chipped and icky.
plus, i broke the glass top of it :(
but i saved the glass for ANOTHER project i wanna do.
projects projects projects!

-------

post in
under the bed

Posted by ANA on August 25, 2000 at 17:44:58:

In Reply to: LiveJournal Woes n' stuff posted by artvamp on August 25, 2000 at 15:12:00:
you're the one who wanted 2 blur the line between truth and fiction and wanted people that are "riding that edge" ( and beyond )

be careful what u wish for..because u will get it!

i wanted 2 know what the homeless people saw...and 3 hours later i was imprisoned in detox and i EXPERIENCED it.

believe me, u can imagine it and THINK u empathize with it and u can THINK u know what it's like but, believe me, once u are THERE truly facing it and BEING IN it...there is no comparison. it blew my mind. and i was only there for 24 hours!

when u ask for rapists and murderers and u want people to not know if someone was killed or if that was just an act..u WILL get it.

the line is blurred already. are u low? or are u not?

it's an amazing and beautiful thing how fast u can manifest a "reality" around u. it's scary. it's cool. it's maybe not what u wanted because u weren't being SPECIFIC enough in what u wanted.

i THINK i know where u are coming from...it' a romantic thing. u wnat it all. u want to LIVE and not be scared of anything. u want to look the devil in the face and fuck him with no regrets and live to laugh about it.

but i do not think that to kill someone in one's mind is the ultimate freedom.
i have killed people in my mind.

and i have been killed by other's in their mind. and both were very damaging experiences for me.
especially the one where *I* was killed in the other person's mind. it WAS like he killed me.
a part of me is now dead because of it. it's very real. and it's not very free.

the pooka dog does not need to kill anything in his mind to be free :)lol :)

i know u want a cult of misfits who love u unconditionally. but be VERY careful what u wish for.

what is manifesting in your livejournal right now is just a taste of what is yet to come PHYSICALLY if u continue to want 2 manifest in the way that u are now.

but every moment is a choice.
u can reconsider...u can twiddle the knobs of your mind to create something different at any time

i may be way off base here in thinking that i know what u REALLY wanted ...i'm not sure...

just throwing out my advice from what i've learned so far.