analog 080800
haikus about creative lulls by the dustbunnies under the bed at ana2.com
by dankitti
uncreative
mood
can't think of anything new
or exciting, uhhhhhh...
(i could NOT even think of a 5th syllable for the 3rd line, speaking of creative lulls!)
by
BTRIPP
this emptiness drags
unable to do, to act
held in dreams' constraint
by
mudflap girl:
Hi-Tech frustrations
Erasing my former self
So who am I now?
by kaela
Drawing
with glitter.
Those crayola glitter pens.
Always works for me.
by moby
creativity
why have you deserted me?
blargosity rules.
by migraine scott
Go to a
movie.
Eat ice cream. Take a long walk.
Ideas will come.
by shakti
Hairs twitching
less now
Why can't I feel this in my
Empty white belly?
by shakti
Up with
a small start
To the desk soda today
Origin of thought
by shakti
Lost the
thin thread
Maybe I put it in here
For you to find now.
by shakti
My edge
bleeds into
Some new body, some new lens
Blinking afterbirth.
Sunday, August 6th, 2000
6:18a ok, new anagram up in ana2 with 72 pix! how do i do it?
6:30am....i
am gonna fall asleep RIGHT NOW! off 2 the soft bed and with incence :) but
i think i'll eat a few cherries first :)
jason'll probably be getting up any minute...
11:52p help terri do her dissertation on camgirls by filling out this questionaire
for camgirl fans:
http://www.echonyc.com/~janedoe/diss/fanquestion.html
and here is "the definitive penis size survey results:
http://www.connection.com/~dickie/result.html
Monday, August 7th, 2000
2:19p i just orderdc rollerskates from skates.com!
they are in san francisco :)
i am SO excited!!! it is so hard to find rollerskates!
i got white ones so i can dye them pink. i even got sparkly laces and pom
poms ( altho they didn't have the colours i wanted most)
weeeeeeeeeeeeeee :))))
and i got protective gear
and all that
and i might have them by thursday :)))
rollerskates
rollerskates rollerskates!!!
3:32p i'm catching up on what's happening at the big brother house.
so if jordan just got banished and she lives in minneapolis, and she was a
stripper and i was a stripper. and i thought about going on the big brother
show, and she did...i wonder if she would want 2 have coffee with me sometime?
it would be interesting :)
and there doesn't have to be cameras around...
4:36p i'm posting in the hereandnow bbs
i have way too many bbs. i have to figure out how to consolidate them...
5:10p i posted this at hereandnow.net and also in anarchy..now here...i will somehow someday consolidate this!
what are your
favourite aspects about hereandnow.net?
what are your least favourite aspects?
do u like
the music on my stream?
or would u rather just hear me typing and occasionally talking 2 the dogs?
btw, 2 let u know that the streams of the bigger size ( 100k and 250K ) work better in netscape...because for some reason in IE the picture doesn't get bigger in IE, but it does in netscape. i wish that wasn't so because i use IE.
also, my 56K
stream hs been down for a whole day i think, and i don't know why...
Tuesday, August 8th, 2000
3:01a am feeling depresse, confused, and overwhelmed...i am TRYNG 2 do everything
i can 2 not get deeper into this state. watching movies...smelling eucalyptus....eating
hummus...eating apricots and blueberries.
i feel, unusually, creatively lost with my cams. maybe i have too many., maybe i don't have enough. maybe it's that having so many..there is just so many that break and crash..and each one is it's own "audience" wishing for attention. each one is it's own song...and there are too many songs , i can only sing one song at a time.
it's soooo much to explain, and i wish i had the energy right now to explain it. but even if i did explain it, i don't know what that would help.
so much is going through my mind as i am trying 2sift through what *i* want to do and what others want me 2 do...and where do those two meet , if they meet at all...
maybe i am reachinga new phase in life where i am shedding my "entertainer" sied for my more "artist" side.
i don't want
2 sing or talk 2 the camera. am i revelling against it because that is what
people want?
or am i just not in the mood to entertain and that is only THIS week, and
next week i will snap out of this distant feeling i have?
and i'm blowing off interviews because even those are performances, and they are usualyy disapointing to me.
is that a
spoiled way 2 behave?
it's not normal..i'm supposed to be grateful to have interviews.
when no one asks me for interviews anymore i'll probably pout and feel left out.
how totally
stupid of me.
is that stupid?
am i doing things out of fear or out of love?
6 cameras
on all the time..each it's own beast...
and who can watch that many at oen time anyway?
maybe less
is more...until we can all have the technology to handle it and see it.
i don't know...
i have my cam mosaic idea that i wrote about several times..maybe some of u remember that..but i can't retype that out again. i still want that...but in the mean time i am stuck in the mediocre..somewhere inbeween.
i like mey
hair to be RED or BLACK or WHITE or BALD or LONG...
i do not like my natural dishwater something colour.
i do not like inbetween.
maybe i should
either have all the cameras on all the time everywhere ( which is more than
i have and can handle all by myself at this moment )
or one cam that i can focus all my attention to.
i have too
many thing s to focus on. i don't know....
i wish i had a real sense of "YA!"
but fear of
losing members stops me...
and fear of being shunned and left "behind" for not ebracing the
new streaming technology..i mean i should be so HAPPY to have this technology
right in my house...so much i could say! so much i could do!
so much i could show people..and what do i do with it?
nothing.
WHY?
what is my problem?
i just don't feel inspired. i feel somehow ..forced..and it makes me retreat
further
it doesn't
feel natural..but i should be GRATEFUL.
i feel like i'm blowing it. that is my fear.
i'm having post traumatic stress syndrome beause of all that bullshit entertainment biz shit i was subjected to in the major labels.
i really do want to start a new wave band for the fun of it and do new wave covers. and i'll play out maybe sometimes IF i feel like it., and i wann ado covers so it's not my soul on the line. i just wanna goof off and get back to the fun of it.
i don't want to have a strategy or any of that.
i don't know..i COULD do a lot of things...the possibilities are endless once i put my mind to things.
i need to focus and discipline..or something...
no, i'm not
going 2 shut my cams down to be just one...
that's not what i would do if i were going to die in a week ( a question i
ask myself to find what i want to REALLY do )
i'd turn on as many cams as i possibly could...
and THEN what
would i do?
3:37p ok, i think one of the big things that is making me in a creative rut
is that the technology i have right now is working against me.
first, the biggest thing is my chillcam programme is now freezing up on me
a lot and has to be constantly restarted. but i can't tell when it's not working
, because it appears to be working...it's only later when i find out it's
been stuck on the sam epicture for hours on the webpage.
plus chillcam is the only way i know to ftp from the same cam and the same
video capture source to two locations ( anacam and ana2 )
so if chillcam won't work, i'm up up shit creek.
and chillcam on the laptop, the so-called mobile cam that isn't too mobile anymre, will only work for about ten minutes at a time. that makes going outside with it on adventures no fun at all.
then i have the chillcam on computer #2 which is grabbing the streaming cam image and sending that to anacam and ana2..but on that computer...i cannot work with it much because it wigs that computer out and starts doing the illegal action thing or starts saying i have no memory so i have to reboot it.
plus, the hereandnow cam that they gave me is REALLY nice..but it's on this heavy as fuck microphone stand with a 60 foot cord that is getting more tangled by the minute and is so unweildy that it's hard to want to get creative with it since i can barely move the thing around.
and then the other cams on ana2, which are assorted logitech ones...are on short cords...and stop working whneever i reboot my computer..so i have to get behind my computer and jiggle all their cords til they work again.
god, it's
no REASON i feel alienated from my cams!
technology is working AGAINST me instead of FOR me.
argh.
so, i don't think it's ME who feels uncreative. i DO feel creative...it's just that my arrangement of cams and software right now is really bumming me out.
first and
foremost..i NEED that frickin chillcam programme to WORK for me. WHY has it
decided to stop functioning? i LOVE that thing. it's the BEST! but it's decided
to deterioratre on me or somethnig and that just BUMS me out!
and the new version of it will not work..just won't.
and it has all those pretty pretty filters on it. oh great sadness.
and i really need the stills from the streaming cam to be my main cam i play with...because i can only focus on one thing at a time. that way the streaming and the cam pictures come from the same place and that makes me happy because then i'm not ignoring the streaming , nor am i ignoring my cam pictures.
i need to get a really good TRIPOD for that streaming cam..not just a big heavy mic stand. the thing with the 60 foot long cord i cannot help.
and i need to somehow be able to grab the stream picture NOT from computer two...because computer two has something wrong with it when being able to handle the chillcam...so i can't even get into it to change the caption or ANYTHING. i need to get it on computer one, that has the chillcam that stops working every hour, but at least i can get into it to change the caption, at LEAST.
i am SO frustrated! how do i go about this? i am paralyzed by this.
and this is
80% of my creative problem.
4:35p ok, i groovy...i have gotten it so that my other compuer is now grabbing
images off the stream ( which is anacam and cam1 on ana2 )...now i can get
into the chillcam prog and mess with the picture. and cam4 and cam5 are off
computer 2...and i can't really mess with those until i switch that all over
to be working off the webcam32s and not the chillcam. should be easy enough..you'd
think.
i know this is probabably boring as hell to read. but i have 2 write it down 'cause it my nervous energy wanting to make things orgainized.
i have the
sound so that u can hear my typing now. oh how exciting.
the reason i have not had that sound on is because i think that the sound
of me typing kinda ruins the music. and i'm not talking much...so...i have
only seen the ambient sound of this room as just not good. plus my air conditioner
is so loud it's just a big low hum in the sound.
so we'll see how this is...maybe u will see what i mean and just want the music back uninterupted. who knows. try new things try new things
and i am so sad that the hereandnow cam is slightly blurry now...because last night it fell down as i was trying to sort that 60 foot cord out.
i decided
not to go to new orleans to visit hereandnow this week. i am just not mentally
in the mood.
but hopefully i can go in a few weeks...because jaosn has decided that his
current job is not what he was looking for, and so he might have a bit of
time off again in about 8 days.
5:01p i just read all my "friends" latest entries...something i haven't done in awhile because i have been so consumed about othe things..and it appears that a general frustration is billowing out everywhere like weather.
even the weather here fits...grey, hot and soggy.
i need to
start an online coven so we can manifest wha we really want faster and take
control over "destinies" better.
who's in?
let's start the biggest online coven ever. and have daily meditatiions and
fun rituals involoving gliter crayons and tangerines
5:09p lol.
well, now the "preview" feature of chillcam has died on me. LOL!
what can i do? if there can be a ritual for resurecting the dead, perhaps
there can be one for resurrecting software? and i am only 1/2 joking. :)
11:03p stacy
i posted a big response to the entry u made ay 7:57p today...then i go there
and it has disappeared...and someone else's post to the same thing was also
gone :(
what it said in a nutshell is i have had the same thing happen 2 me and it is SO confusing.
i wish my post had not gotten mysteriously erased :(
11:04p online
coven
keep the ideas flowing :)
and if anyone has had any experiences in online covens, please do share your
experience if u feel up to it :)
----
other posts:
i've got a really beautiful hardcopy of the i ching :)
whenever i throw it , it's like:
3 swans heads
down
it furthers the man to cross the lake
grey skies, 2 thorns
the water finds it's way
no harm
lol :)
------
yay :) dankitti :) thank u for the words of encouragement :) i feel better
now having read soem replies in here :) it is good to have some people that
know what i mean
i mean, i KNOW i will be creative again..maybe even tomorrow..but i still just wig out if lots of time goes by when i'm not.
but that's just fear..and i need to let that go
i must rememeber that the universe supports me
i am in the mood to take IN creativity right now..rather than give it OUT
and ..that's
just the way it is, i guess :)
-------
Posted by ANA on August 07, 2000 at 18:19:46:
i posted this
at hereandnow.net and also in anarchy..now here...i will somehow someday consolidate
this!
what are your favourite aspects about hereandnow.net?
what are your least favourite aspects?
do u like
the music on my stream?
or would u rather just hear me typing and occasionally talking 2 the dogs?
btw, 2 let u know that the streams of the bigger size ( 100k and 250K ) work better in netscape...because for some reason in IE the picture doesn't get bigger in IE, but it does in netscape. i wish that wasn't so because i use IE.
also, my 56K stream hs been down for a whole day i think, and i don't know why...
-------
Posted by ANA on August 08, 2000 at 16:58:07:
In Reply to:
STUPID question of the day posted by Olivia on August 08, 2000 at 13:00:33:
yes, it's the same stream
about the camgirl oweing thing...
for ME what
i owe u for ten bucks is:
access into ana2and wha that entails...
5 cams at 30 seconds refresh
an anagram on a semi daily basis
a private bbs
archive, etc...
i never got
the "we pay so now u OWE us something of your soul/body/mind"
i mean i can FEEL that way inside sometimes...not because of anything that
u guys do :)
but because i just WANT to do a "good job" :)
but technically all i owe is access into ana2
and on a similiar
vein..it alwyas irks me when people think my body/soul/mind/LIFE are for sale.
they are not.
all that is for sale is access to PICTURES of my life..not my life itself.
PICTURES of my body, not my body itself
etc
WORDS from my mind, not my mind myself
i do not LIVE
ON the internet... i live in my house. and there are pictures of my living
in my house ON the internet :)
------
Posted by ANA on August 08, 2000 at 04:35:27:
In Reply to:
Re: posting posting posting... posted by BTRIPP on August 08, 2000 at 01:43:25:
u wrote:
but it seems like something that used to be a "special connection"
for ANA2 members which is now just "enhanced voyeurism" for whoever
wants to look in.
---
i am trying 2 understand how having a stream on ana2 versus having a stream
that all can see somehow takes away something from u...
how is it
that it is ok if 50 watch at a time instead of 500 at a time?
u cannot see the others..so how would that interfere with your viewing experience?
how does that
make it " enhanced voyeurism"?
and what does that mean?
is it kind
of like a jealousy? ( i felt that from maw's post, too..re: posting here versus
livejournal )
like u want 2 keep it small..and in doing so it makes it more special to u?
it is so complex.
but really i have been just feeling distant lately...i feel so drained..i
really ca even hardly type this...but i feel i must..or something...
i feel obligated to explain things 2 u
i don't want people 2 get the wrong idea...i mean..how can u know what is going through my head and heart as u watch me watch tv and i am far away?
not only is this cam thing complex..but then also have so much going on in my life that i can't talk about..so no one can really know what it is i'm going through.
it makes the cam frustrating..and my journal entries frustrating.,..when so much of what i go through is censored to keep other people's lives private. it's an insane juggling act.
everyone has
a different idea of who i am and what i should and shouldn't do...it's so
hard for me...
it brings up a lot of complex feelings in me that are so hard to describe
because they are in such dark corners filled with so much furniture ( mostly
pianos )
people wanna see me create create create and also to be so utterly THERE for them and only them..and i CAN do that sometimes, and i LIKE to do that sometimes. and sometimes i can do that for a very long time and it's like riding a wave and it's almost effortless...
but i am at
some weird introverted point that i cannot exactly explain.
or maybe what it is is that i am afraid to explain it for fear of sounding
childish or mean or spoiled
all i know
is that my energy is at a low point.
i wake up in the mornings dreading what 2 do with my cams.
i just hope that people will continue to stick around and not throw the towel in on me. i don't know what will happen next..i don't know where i'm going or what i'll do...
i just have to let it happen naturally...even if that means being very distant and uncreative OUTWARDLY
i guess this
is all part of the crreative process.
and that's what , in part, i'm trying to show here.
this kind of stuff happens. i wish i could be more consistent...i really do
and i wish i could ftp my feelings and thoughts upon this page.
i like to
try new things, new options
it takes time sometimes to know what u will do with this option...i don't
know how long..sometimes not long at all..only seconds..
but sometimes options, like streaming with videos and sound to unlimited viewers..u can't just pass that up and figure that out so quickly.
yes, they have ugly banners, yes not everyone can see it...etc ect etc
but would
u really want me to so quickly abandon such an enormous gift as that?
it's not so simple to ME, do u see?
what about me?
will u give me the luxury of exploring it?
for u it may be just a stream that bugs u...but to me it could be a whole new world of some kind
it could be a doorway into vast serendipity
i cannot so easily just shut that door and not explore it because of banners...
maybe u just hate it because i haven't done many cool things with it..therefore the banners stick out more than if u were engrossed in me doing something cool...
i don't know...
i don't know...
i gotta end
it here because..i just have 2
no more energy
---
Posted by ANA on August 08, 2000 at 06:08:57:
In Reply to:
Re: sigh oh sigh posted by BTRIPP on August 08, 2000 at 05:07:51:
ya, anacam is not owned by them, nor am i a part of their coorporate whateverness...
my stream is just my stream
how could
it bring me down to the level of being on survivor or big brother? :(
my stream has nothing whatsoever in common with anything like that except
that it's cameras watching people.
i am in no contest...i am in control of my cams..it surprises me to hear u
say that :/
i am sorry u feel isolated and i understand that..and yes, i am trying 2 discover how it all fits together into a cohesive thing
when i wrote what i wrote it was not just to u, it was to everyone
i want to point out that cam1 is the cam from the streaming and so u can see what is happening on there. in case u didn't know that
i'm just trying out new things
i still DO talk to the cam on occasion..i can still do that with the hereandnow stream..i could still come into analove and talk 2 u in analove with my streaming..none of that has changed
----
Posted by ANA on August 08, 2000 at 06:50:00:
In Reply to:
Re: sigh oh sigh posted by BTRIPP on August 08, 2000 at 06:19:11:
ya, i know what u mean...but think of it this way...because it IS this way:
there is anacam and ana2, and then there is a stream at hereandnow
the way i view it is hereandnow is a side project slightly related to anacam and ana2...but it is a side project... separate from anacam and ana2..the only thing holding them together is that i link to them..and that i can grab still pix from the stream
therefore, anacam and ana2 are not being sponsored by hereandnow...
i am just working with hereandnow on a side project, see what i mean?
i need 2 go 2 bed , too...
6am!
-----
Posted by ANA on August 08, 2000 at 16:47:59:
i write on analog1 about how i am sure that my creative lull is because the technokgy i have right now is working against me not for me.
here is the weird email of the day:
as
i watch you sleep, all i can think about is what a truly beautiful,
captivating enigma you are. a recurring thought it how much i would like to
pour cool-aid mix on your toes and lick it off. i want to pour sugar in
your hair and vacuum it out. i want to fill your mouth with chocolate
pudding and dip bread in it. i want to pour hot water down the crease of
your lower back while dipping your breasts in partially frozen milk.
please continue sleeping...
another weird email of the day:
Is it possible there are warning messages going to
Ana when I am looking at
her cam, based upon my IP address.
It seems that if I watch for more than a minute or 2, she covers up .. or,
if
she is sleeping partially nude, a bright light flashes ... and she wakes up
.. and puts some clothing on.
Am I being blocked from viewing the cam in this way?
I am considered
handicapped, and I believe Citizen X has messages going around about me.
I need to know. I cannot consider becoming a member
if these controls are in
place.
------
Posted by ANA on August 08, 2000 at 16:59:34:
In Reply to:
new orleans posted by azurablue on August 08, 2000 at 16:56:40:
ya! that could happen! 'cause i'm not going 2 go to new orleans this week.
i might go sometime more around then because jason decided that the job he
just took was not what he was looking for, ultimately...so in 8 days he might
have some time off :)
--------
astroboy's
farewell
I open my eyes and...
Posted by astroboy on August 07, 2000 at 06:46:57:
hit
my head on the boxspring... the sight of the fabric that covers this world
we chose to inhabit is all too familiar now.... I look around still.... I
see flower and az in a loving spooning embrace, half awake they smile at me
warmly, flower winks and waves.... over by the foot of the bed is Magic, asleep
with a smile on his face, probably dreaming of the ocean... btripp is devouring
a thick book over by where emmettSL and moby are sitting up playing a game
of chess... I feel someone licking my ear.... it's artvamp, i turn to talk
but before I can say anything she covers my mouth with hers.... *sMoOcH!*
Well! thanks artvamp!.... where the heck is Fetik3? hmmmmm..... there under
all those kitties and puppies and chickens and rodents and birds is Wacqui-Jacqui!
Really! Can't you see her????? A hand comes up from beneath the furry heap
and gives me a thumbs up.... I think I see Ana.... wait a minute! Nope, it's
Stacy!..... we hug... and
she goes back to sleep with a giant, cute, stuffed white lion..... There is
Zuul..... typing something in his
"PainCave.... :) hi zuul!.....over there under some more dust is a picture
of Zuma... i pick it up and blow the dust away..... he is standing next to
an old plane somewhere in the jungle of central america.... he looks happy,
i wonder where he is now... Some one gives me a letter as I pass by, it's
Maw... he shakes my hand without saying a word. i put the letter in my pocket
to read later...a little further close to Fade I see Kaela, she is sleeping,
like an angel.... i tap her lightly on the shoulder.... her fairy wings flutter
lightly from underneath the sheets... they are pink and yellow and purple
and beautifully translucent.... she looks up at me. I give her a hug and want
to explain a lot of things but the look on her face tells me she already knows,
a tear falls from my eye as i lean forward and kiss her gently on the cheek....
she kisses me back and I roll over. starting to crawl I bonk heads with Migrainescott
Hey! scott! watch where you are going! We laugh.... what are you doing back?
we shake hands.... he lets me by... I crawl some more and feel someone tugging
on my leg.... its Tari! Where are you going ? she says..... just gotta get
some air! I say, we hug and I continue.... I wish I knew where Blonnie went...we
used to be so close once...I miss her belly button, hmmm... Trundler is nowhere
to be seen either, he probably left really early before the sun came up to
go on a mountain bike ride somewhere. is THAT ana?? Yeah! that is ana! Ana
wake up! *tap tap tap!*..... Ana! It's me, astroboy... she touches my face
and falls back into sleep.... I look at her for a few more seconds, consider
waking her again, I want to ask her what she thought of Esthero and Jane Siberry,
and if she ever tried the mendhi kit, and so many more things... but I don't.
I hold her image in my mind, close my eyes momentarily and crawl out from
under.... my bones creak a little as i straighten up to stand.... ouch! I'm
up..... I take one last look under the bed... such a nice place, as I pat
the dust from my jeans a lot of memories flash through my head....poindex,
moricand, Mrskippy, eucci, olivia, dankitty, scottks, courtney, vera, azurablue,
haikucoo, cyka, isabella... I met a lot of beautiful people here.... some
I wish I had gotten to know better, some I wish would have gotten to know
me better, some I pissed off, some pissed me off, all in all though, I had
an awesome time. But it's time to go. My membership expires on the 10th. It's
been a fun ride.
I wish you all heaven, and peace and glittery things....
if any of you want to email me... look for my name in "nuclear-waste-atomic-green"
up there on the top of the page. LOL!
Goodbye you freaks!!! Take care of each other.
XOXOXOXOX
Jay... aka: astroboy
* pOoF ! *