i'm just whipping up this analog as fast as i can 'cause i am so behind on everything from being sick and those guys coming here and setting up streaming video for two days and i am trying 2 get caught up with everything. i have so much garbage in here to get rid of from all the boxes of cords and computers that were opened up! and i need tp vedge and watch tv and i want 2 go for a walk..so muchhhhhhh. so....here is a big jumbled anagram of so much stuff. and btw, for those of u that did not know, cam4 is what the steaming video is, just captured every 30 seconds. i'm glad i can do that :) and 100K and 56K streams are coming july 6th!
june 20th, 2000
7:17a i am
having one of those weird anxiety attacks where i cannot get 2 sleep because
i keep thinking i have 2 make myself breathe, it won't just come naturally.
now my heart is going so fast and so that makes me have to breathe more. then
it seems that i can't breathe without making a lot of noise and i'm afriad
i will bother jason with my labourous breathing, so i am out her again...trying
2 just type something so i can get my mind off of my breathing. and to make
manners worse, i was starting 2 think like my livejournal. i kept thinking,
" this is my thought", and then i would "post" to my thought,
"this is my thought to my thought" and so on and so on and so on.
then i would try to post something different to my thought, like an actual
different thought other than thinking about thinking, but i could get off
the fact that i was thinking about thinking. and as u can see i still can't,
but at least typing this out is calming me down somewhat, i think. i don't
know. i hope. i tried to get two different thoughts going on at once to somehow
trick myself into starting a new "thread", but all i had then were
two separate thoughts about thinking about thinking. each one posting "this
is my thought to the thought", and to make manners worse i would post
each thought with the rythym of my breathing that i also had to consciously
think about.
jason woke up 'cause he had 2 pee and saw me wide awake in bed, and i told him about my predicament. and he said to take a xanax, so i did. and now i put some lavendar oil on myself and i'm typing this.
it's hard
'cause i only have two .25 mg alloted to me each day until i see my dr. on
friday at 11:30am
so i have been saving those 2 for at night to help me get 2 sleep. but now
it's not working because yesterday afternoon i had 2 take one in the afternoon
because i was too nervous, and then i took another at 4am when i tried to
go to sleep...but i didn't really sleep yet, now it's 7am and i took another,
but that isn't making me be able 2 sleep. and now i'll only have one more
alloted to me today..for at night again...fuck.
this really sucks.
i am scared i will just sit here wide awake until friday morning. this really
really sucks.
8:59a i posted this in bradfitz's ( the guy who made this thing ) journal
about the new livejournal features:
i just tried the new feature of where u can set it so that only u can read your private entry...and yes, no one can see it on the main page..but your friends can see it when they go to their friend's section...so it's not private at all.
also, the
feature that says that only the people u have listed as your friends can see
it, also does not work. it is:
everyone who u listed as a friend AND all the people who listed u as THEIR
friend can also see it.
also the feature where u can pick only a customized group of friends to be the only ones who can see certain posts also does not work. anyone who lists me as their friend can see that, too
i am excited tho at the possibilties! thank u for putting so much time and effort into this!!!
when the private
only posts and friends only posts finally work..is there a way an icon can
go with that entry that i can see so i can remember what entries i made private,
etc?
'cause otherwise i'd get confused and go, "god! i hope i made that entry
private!" and if i could see an icon by it signifying that it was private,
it would help :)
also, wouldn't
u be able to read all the private posts since u made this?
like, if u are going to be making printed versions of journals for people...u
would have to have access to their private entries as well, no?
i wish i had
the patience and willpower to learning programming like u do!
u certainly have started something that is taking off like wildfire :)
9:06a the subject lines i'm putting in are showing up everywhere except for
on my main page (livejournal.com/users/ana) must be the way tufchoice coded
my page. we didn't take into account subject lines.
also my streaming
is down right now. i don't know why.
i'm going 2 try 2 go 2 sleep now. been up all night
1:09p i never did go 2 sleep. ack. another long day of weird inbetweeness.
-------
Wednesday, June 21st, 2000
9:46a well, i got about 5 hours of sleep.i'm still feeling sick, but not as
bad as yesterday, so that's a good thing :)
10:12p i finally feel almost well! yay! :) i hope i will get a good night's
sleep finally :) it's so nice 2 finally feel "normal"
*huge sigh of relief* :)
on 20/20 tonight they were talking about the horrible rape/assult on dozens of women in central park recently in the daytime with hundreds of others there watching and cheering the men on. god.
and then they
had this woman on who did a documentary called "war zone" in 1998,
or 1997 about the sexual harrassment she gets. she points her cam at them
whenever guys do this to her and she just gets right in their face and makes
them explain their actions.
i really want to find out if i can get this movie somehow.
i don't know what the women's name is :/
but i love this "confronting harrassers with a cam corder " thing.
i think that's right up my alley! yes oh yes!
i had the beginnings of a thought like that when decided that i would start talking polaroids of the guys in my apartment building that were harrassing me. but didn't do that yet 'cause i didn't have the energy for it...and i don't want 2 get them more riled.
it's tough 2 know what 2 do.
and on 20/20 they interviewed another woman and i ordered her out of print book from amazon:
Back Off:
How to Confront and Stop Sexual Harassment and Harassers
By: Martha J. Langelan, Catharine A. MacKinnon (Preface)
i hope i get
it soon! i need some tactics!
-------
Thursday, June 22nd, 2000
2:23p i'm feeling 90% better today. so now i'm trying 2 get caught up on things
that i didn't do 'cause i was sick.
had 2 do lots of anacam biz stuff today, which entailed calling a billions
phone numbers a and being on hold long periods if time then to be forwarded
to another person and out on hold again, etc etc. so, i'm waiting to hear
back from all these people that i called now. then i had to call the people
raise on of my dsl lines from 256K to 512k so i can get that already for the
hereandnow,net tech guys that are gonna come here on saturday and see if the
can get my streaming with audio set up more professionally and so i can bring
it all over the house. i lost my keys to my apt, so i have to wait until jason
gets home until i can leave and do some errands i have 2 do. i hope my keys
are in my house somewhere...but i haven't been able to find them . i also
lost my ID, and right after i finally got a new one! blarg.
all in all tho, i'm in a pretty good mood because i am SO happy that i am
feeling better!! :)
i'm sort of half watching this documentary about these socialite hasbeens
that are now recluses in a new york mansion and they are totally looped.
it's pretty depressing. i think i'll go shut that off now. i can't stand to
watch anythng uncomfortable today. i just wanna watch betty boop cartoons
or something. or better yet i wish i was on a wonderful beach making sandcastles
and looking for treasure :)
10:14p it was a very interesting day. i even sat in the sun for half and hour
:) but the most interesting thing was i received a letter from a past boyfriend...and
if you've ever read my journal entries from 1988 in the book section of anacam
, you'll want 2 know this new twist that might happen. go here to read all
about it:
www.anacam.com/book
the letter from the past boyfriend is on page 13, how appropriate :)
Posted by
ANA on June 22, 2000 at 23:23:11: it was a very interesting day. i even sat
in the sun for half and hour :) but the most interesting thing was i received
a letter from a past boyfriend...and if you've ever read my journal entries
from 1988 in the book section of anacam , you'll want 2 know this new twist
that might happen. go here to read all about it: www.anacam.com/book the letter
from the past boyfriend is on page 13, how appropriate :) oh, and that page
is also the newest anagram. it was kind of a "kill two birds with one stone"
kind of a thing :) tomorrow i see my dr. and hopefully he'll give me a new
fun med 2 try :) :) i have been feeling much better, and i have to get caught
up with all these posts in here! and i have to go out into the hall and get
three computers out of three gigantic boxes that came today from hereandnow...three
more computers for the streaming ! yikes!!! it's gonna be a cord night mare!
tomorrow all i'm gonna do is clean, then on saturday morning they arrive and
the massive computer cord plug in unplug configure configure deiter stop chewing
on that day will start! eeek! after i wrangle these beasts out of theit boxes
( where's my exacto knife? )and get the inards into my living room and the
boxes into the garbage..THEN i can get to sleep! ( hopefully :)
------
Friday, June 23rd, 2000
2:51p mom mom called me last night and i called her back today, and she was
not angry with me at all and things are pretty much back to normal in a GOOD
way with my mom now, so that is a HUGE load off of my chest :) she said she
loves me no matter what and that she will always be there for me. i cannot
even tell u how happy that makes me! i have so much more 2 tell u, but right
now i'm going to go dig through all the silly crappy things i bought at the
dollar store :) and jason and i ate some yummy bbq ribs. i had a very scary
taxi ride today. but i'll tell u about that later. saw my dr. got some new
meds. woo hoo!
silly facts:
so far i have mentioned the word "love" in 208 analogs. and i have
mentioned the word "hate" in 137 analogs.
pooka in 44 analogs, deiter in 50 analogs, pie in 96 analogs, fuck in 71 analogs,
brain in 66 analogs
what words
would i llike me to search for in my analogs?
10:38p what the doc wrote about me today:
( i'm trying 2 read his hand writing..why is it that doctor's have such bad
hand writing?)
clinical note:
anxiety high lately, more after she was victim of exposure, harrassment from
people on street.
very anxious now. speech faster. celexa caused more nervousness. doxepin:
no effect.
impression: anxiety, agoraphobia (illegible word) by recent events
instructions and medications:
1) add for
anxiety and racing thoughts:
neurontin 100mg , take one four times daily
2) continue xanax .25 mg , one 3 times during the day, 2 at night
3) add Seroquel .25mg one if needed for anxiety days or racing thought or insomnia. use up 2 4 times a day
4) stop doxepin
5) see psychologists for manic anxiety
if above doesn't work, use xanax up to 6 a day
---------------------------
in other news,
i am cleaning the house like mad and shoving things in corners getting ready
for the two tech guys coming over tomorrow at 9am. and i am going to switch
desk place...my desk is going to go over to where jaosn's is now nad his where
mine is now. so right now we are both moving everything away and off of our
desks so only the desks and the computers remain so it will be the easiest
to understand how to switch it all. god, i hope it will work! so many cords!
and THREE more computers will be hooked up!
ok, i gotta go clean more....
11:38p wierd. i had posted a few minutes ago about my new medications and
about tech guys coming here tomorrow...did anyone see it? or did i just shift
into a new dimension? or is it my new meds? :) bummer...it took me a long
time 2 write that out :(
-------
Saturday, June 24th, 2000
4:03a well, it's 4am and i've been cleaning since 3am almost nonstop! it feels
good :) i hope i can squeeze in 4 hours of sleep until the tech guys get here.
if all the cams stop refreshing on ana2 ( except cam2, which will keep on
), that is because we are going to unplug everything and rearrange everything.
i don;t know how long this will take. 4 hours? 2 hours? i have no idea, but
i'm wiped so off 2 bed i go :) sweet dreams :)
8:25a oh, god, the people are coming over in 40 minutes! i am so tired having
gotten only 3 hours of sleep. oh man. i hurt. i need 2 sleep!!! my eyes are
bloodshot. but my house is sure clean! :) better get some clothes on now!
11:33a the tech guys, john and russel, went in a car 2 go get video capture
cards since none had arrrived today in the mail like they were supposed to.
i am cleaning like a maniac. cords are everywhrere. this is a huge task. i
just put in a little pizza into the oven for me. me tired. me hyper. russel
got about an hour of bad sleep he said. he had a horrible plabe flight from
san francisco with and hour and a half time at the las vegas airport ...then
to here. russel is from san francisco and john is from new york. john is the
one with the beard and long hair and russel is the taller dark haired one.
if my cams stop working it's because we are unplugging everything. but when
it all finally works , it's gonna be so cool!!! i'm gonna go lay on the bed
withh jason now and just wait till my pizza is cooked.
--------
Sunday, June 25th, 2000
12:22a i feel funny. it's not a bad funny. it's a curious sort of funny. i
think it's a mixture of getting no sleep, getting on new meds, and having
a day full of strange men soldering and making cords and disappearing into
the thing room to sleep all of a sudden. they are the curious pair. i like
them. they are extremelly mellow. didn't get all the streaming up today as
planned tho ( that sort of thing ALWAYS happens) . 4 videocapture cards were
supposed 2 have been sent to my house, but they didn't arrive, so russel and
john had to go out and get the ati all in wonder pro ones. and then he put
them in but they are not compatible with NT. but i got my desk now over where
jason's used to me and i am so much happier over here on this side by the
window :) i have so many computers in my apartment now, its's just stupid!
i lok at athem all and have to alugh!
and the cam they gave me 2 stream with is SO gorgeous. it is crystal clear
and just...godlike. i am in love with it :)
i have so many things i want 2 tell u...but it has 2 cook more in me 2 say
it 'cause...i don't know what it is...but it feels like a very good thing.
hwen my washing machine is on and it's swirling the clothes back and forth
it sounds EXACTLY like a robot saying " all day, all the way, all day,
all the way, all day all the way...."
before the two guys came over and i was listening to the washing machine,
i came up with SUCH a cool counterpart melody to it, it just hurts me to think
now that i have forgotten it. ACK! i just need all equipment around me all
the time all ready to go for things like that! i could've written a very beautiful
song today. i hope when i wash clothes again it will return.
2:08p ok, one tech guy..john hanncock the 3rd( yes his real name!) went back
2 NYC. russel is still here but went 2 go take john 2 the airport. i gave
john some silly putty to help the time pass on the plane. and i gave him one
of my bear spirit guide books http://www.anacam.com/simp/bsg.html
jason and i went out 2 eat and went 2 target very fast. i got 2 pairs of leggingss. all my legging are falling apart. then jason went to go get a massage, i bought him massage gift certificates for valentine's day.
the streaming
is still not up because the right video cards have not arrived yet. but they
will be here on tuesday and jason will put them in. so everything is almost
ready to go...
and i can play u all my cds and tapes and records and tv! it's all hooked
up. i am going to call erik and ask him where u can all go to her stuff i
want to play for u...since i can't show u streaming vid right now, i am hoping
i can play u some great musiq anyway!
so sorry my cams have not been updating or pointing at boring things. with everything going on in here and wires being made and etc etc its been hard to get anywhere near my computer to even check my email, so i am way behind in everything.
i am going to go take a ton of vitamins now and stretch. i am getting healthier and heathier. i finally got a good nights' sleep last night. i need a few more of those. my new medications seem to be doing the trick. i'll tell u about those later, 'cause i can't even spell the other one yet.
i'm spraying water with pure lavendar oil all over my house and it's so yummy :)
god, it's loud in here with three more computers!
i want to know what kind of "rays" they are giving off and how i can neutralize them. the whole positive /negative ion thing.
anyone know anything about that???
i need cleaner
air in here and i need more oxygen.
i should get a deionizer and some more plants. do u think that would do the
trick???
can i buy
some oxygen tanks on the net?
2:15p oh, the post that i made that disappeared has reappeared!!! it is on
friday at 10:38p..... :)
2:50p i'm gonna try 2 get the new anapix up today
5:37p i am having trouble getting some cams to work. i am trying different
options with stuff. i am so tired i could fall over. i might just give up
soon and go watch tv
7:46p i have switched some cams around now...the logitech cam that was cam
4 is now the BIG cam5cam...so the picture is even clearer :) the other yuckier
logitech cam that was the bigcam5cam is now cam 6 ( or cyclecam ) . it's called
cycle , but it doesn't cycle anymore. the chillcam on computer2 the was cycling
wigged out anf broke, so that's the end of that for now. and the cam that
is used now for cam 4 is the new sony digital videp camera dcr-trv8/trv10
( mini dv digital video cassette) ...i am just typing everything it saus on
the front page of teh manual. that's the cam that is for the streaming now,
but the stream is not working yet. i am really happy there was an extra plug
in thing so i can take pictures with webcam32 off of my streaming cam! yay
:) i am gonna peruse through the manual now. it has night vision! it has lots
of grooovy things :) it cost like 2 grand! i am gonna take advantage of all
it's features :) i have so many wires all over the place even morre now. but
john and russel were very good with wrapping cords together and nailing many
cords around the base of the walls to keep them out of the way. i am so tired
so i don't know how much more i'll get done today. i have lots of pix for
a new anagram but no energy to make it yet. i can't wait untril the streaming
turns on! i told erik that the computer in charge of doing the 250K stream
one is ready to go. i am sending the signal now. i think someone jyst needs
to flip a switch on the other side. and on july 6th, i will have 56K, 100K,
and 250K streams with sound. it really blows my mind how much technology i
have at my fingertips here! yet it is all so fragile and temperamental.
9:39p i am figuring out my new camera. it should be sending out a 250K stream
right now, but it's not. so erik is working on that. in the meantime, i have
it hooked up to webcam32 and i can take pictures with it :) it is cam4 on
ana2.com . i am playing around with the nightshot setting and i have it up
on the hghest notch making these faerie trai;s of light. i lok like i'm glowing.
i look like a fearie leaving trails of faerie dust behind :) i am so glad
i can also take pictures with this camera, because that will ensure that i
will play around with it A LOT more. people just watching the stream only
will probably think i seem insane if they do not knwo that i am playing around
with it taking photos!
9:59p http://idirector.media.ibeam.com/netshow/v2/onair/hereandnow/cam22_250k.asx
it is buffering a lot, but if u have a computer that can see and hear it, it's pretty damn cool!
56K and 100K
streams will be on after july 6th
-------
Tuesday, June 27th, 2000
12:26a sorting through 13,000 campix! ack! i went for a great hour long walk
at dusk. i am very tired now. i got up ay 8am because i had such a bad headache,
and so i started working on a new menu for anacam, which is not done, as u
can see....my headache finally went away at 6pm. i have no idea what i'm going
to do with the menu on anacam now. i tried out too many ideas and didn't hit
upon anything i just fell in love with. i think it was because of the headache.
trying 2 do to many things today. my house is still a mess from the tech guys
over here. lots of boxes and garbage to take out. i love the new cam and i'm
glad i can capture pix from it on cam 4. much more later...sorry the sleep
cam is not on anacam and only on ana2...i can't expain it right now...but
i hope i can figure out some way 2 rectify that soon. night night!
5:43p i know i have hardly typed in here much lately comparitively. LIFE has
been happening., recuperating from so much stuff. all is good i am just not
im typing mode. it's all or nothing with me :) full throttle typo-rama or
full throttle vedge-o-matic!i am enthralled with my streaming. i kow it sounds
awful 2 say , but i almost don't even want 100K or 56K streaming! 'cause 256K
is just so COOL, for the very few who can see it, i know....man, i cannot
wait until we ALL can have AMAZING computers that come free with a box of
cereal! and we can all be streaming with sound at 777K :) that'll be that
day :)
---------
Posted by ANA on June 25, 2000 at 16:01:58: In Reply to: Re: starting to get frusterated staying sober....stream o consciousness posted by flower on June 25, 2000 at 15:16:22: oh, and i wanted to add that i TOTALLY know what u mean about wanting to be slightly fuct up when dealing with a bunch of people all at once. i think it's because we are so sensitive we can "feel" everyone too much when in a room with too many energies. it's hard to relax. when fuct up a bit it seems that it can sometimes help the that much energy not effect u. but thne when i get sober again, after the whole ordeal, i end up feeling drained anyway. but at least DURING it i had fun., but it's hard. that's why i shy away from social events amd ESPECIALLY playing lve. 'cause with playing live all the different energies ARE honed in very specifiaclly on me AND i am also exuding incredible amounts of energy. it's beyond exhausting!
-------
Posted by ANA on June 27, 2000 at 15:31:22: In Reply to: Re: Don't* ask me about what I see in IRC.. posted by maw on June 27, 2000 at 15:03:55: well said, maw :) {{{telic}}} please knwo that we are not aiming any prejudice at u, k? nor anyone. hell, i've joked upon MYSELF many times abouf my fake breasts or my goofy hair or whatever, and so have my friends, because when i am with FRIENDS they understand it is a joke. where would stand up comedy be, or comedy at all , for that matter be..if it weren't for the fact that we can all laugh at HUMAN things that are funny. whether it is someone who slips on a banana peel or kant spel of course we know that the REALITY is that slipping on a banana peel HURTS, etc etc i, myself, don't even like the three stooges or roadrunner or even tom and jerry because i hate violence even to the degree of that. my head is all spinning now because i know i'm not saying this the way i want to...i am still not fully awake but telic, i SEE your point, i understand your point, but still, that being said, i KNOW these people , and i kNOW that they, and i, mean no harm. if we were to run into #BRAZILOVE and start yelling shit then that would be bad... we are just parodying are groiup of several hundred INDIVIDUAL brazilians ( and egyptians and italians) over the years, who have burst forth into #analove and just flooded the channel with utter bullshit in trying to disrupt the channel. it happened. it continues to happen. i'm not saying that other people from other countries are not also assholes...but the few hundred men from brazil and italy who have been so rude were just SO rude and all in capital letters and it is just so memorable and cartoonlike that it is hard to forget. u just have to be there and witness this ( over and over and over ) since u are gonna be around here awhile , i'm sure u will see this eventually. and u will see that WE are not being assholes. it is just such a strange phenomenon when over and over again this brazil/italy thing happens. we aren't making it up! i swear! :)
------
Posted by ANA on June 27, 2000 at 14:42:27:
someone posted
this in my livejournal ( which is now called analog1 instead of read my mind
)
dunno what this means or if it'll help anyone see the stream better but here
is what this person wrote:
"I had the same problem & was quite annoyed because I have DSL (Sympatico
for all you Canucks). Then I remembered that they use a proxy server &
figured that this might be part of the problem. Sure enough, after I went
to:
View
Settings
& clicked on
Windows Media Source Filter
& selected No proxy
under Advanced playback settings
my problem was solved.
(You have to reopen file after changes)
Hope this helps..."
i'm not gonna
get into the whole brazilian/canadian debate much.
just wanna say that i'm sure we all love brazil and canada and they are both
nice countries full of, i'm sure, tons of really cool people.
i have talked with lots of cool people from brazil. and canada ( duh. )
dogging on
canada is, to me, a rather obvious joke, since WHAT could be possibly wrong
with canada? i mean it's like the perfect country! when is it even ever in
the news? and...i don't know..at least for ME, i think dogging on canada like
they did in the southpark movie was so hilarious, because it's so OBVIOUS
that it's an untruth. do u see what i mean?
1/2 of my family is from canada, actually more than 1/2 now since everyone
on the american side now who was my family is mostly dead now.
canadians DO say "eh" all the time and they are all so incredibly
cute and just wanna smoosh them! :)
the brazil thing is another thing entirely
i love brazil!
and would jump at any chance to go there and ask how they did all those cool
special effects and stuff like stretching out the woman's face! that was gnarly!
i just wnat 2 know HOW do they make it from the movie into my chatroom? it is a movie, right? so...please fill me in if there is something that i am missing because i really do want to learn all about their culture. and why are there all those pipes going around everywhere? with all those poor typists trying to get around all those pipes. it's so clautrophobic! no wonder they type in all CAPITAL LETTERS ALL THE TIME WITH SO MANY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!
i think we should cut the people from brazil some slack. because it's obvious they are a little stressed out in that movie with all of that going on. and those typewriters were probably purposely put in caps lock mode by their bosses just to get them in trouble.
i think when
they come into analove saying things like " I SEE YOU MY ON MY TV NOW!!!
WAVE@ME!!!!!!!YOU MILLIONAIRE BITCH BOOBIE GrrL HARrrraAAAaaHaaa!!!!!"
that is just a cry of pain , trying to let the world know that brazil ISN'T
JUST movie. it is indeed a very GOOD movie, and we should all strive harder
to go buy it on DVD.
and this i plan to do. as my gesture of good faith!