ana voog's analog1
Sunday, June 4th, 2000
1:16p i still
haven't gone 2 bed yet. it's a dreary rainy day. i'm looking at cdnow and
amazon and writing all the cds down i wish i had. strangely, yoko ono's rising
record is out of print! i lost that when i was recording my last record :(
so i have 2 find another copy. plus i went anything and everything bjork...the
telegram and the "all is full of love" remixes. i need a zombies
record. i LOVE them :)and i want the radiohead videos, and the REsearch book
about body modification, and one on hoaxes and the first one that has william
burrough's in it. talked to my dad. he has a bad cold.i'm going up 2 see him
soon 'cause it's his 60th birthady. i don't know what 2 buy for him! i feel
very anxious today ( surprise surprise ) it's a good day to snuggle on the
couch with the dogs. i always say i'm gonna do that, then never do..i have
been working on my site so much!
10:00p ok, i've been up for almost 24 hours now...so i'm going into the bed
2 make myself fall asleep. but i'm awake right now 'cause i am that hyper
kind of tired buzzing feeling thing. i watched a good "behind the music"
on VH1 about the go-gos :) it rained here all day, but it was a kind of pretty
rain that made all the spring greenery even more lush :) the blankets and
pillows are calling my name :) and i ate some vegetables today. i had a red
pepper ( lnot the hot kind ) and a had tomato soup with those cheddar goldfish
crackers and i ate a lot of carrots :)
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Monday, June 5th, 2000
not a typing
day. i don't know what kind of day it will be. all i know is i will make some
tea right now. i think i have one pack left of good earth tea :) it's nice
and cinnamony and has caffeine :)
1:06p jason pointed out 2 me that i was up for longer than 24 hours. it was
more like 32! wow! i am trying 2 get off my ass today and stretch and excercise
a little bit. a little bit is better than not at all!
1:10p oh , i guess today is bill paying day! jason's
phone keeps ringing. he is getting a lot of job offers. i'm listening to the
cocteau twins and finding all the bills so i can pay them. and figure out
the anacam money. i'm almost done paying zachary
off :) then he get 20% for a year, then 10% the year after that. then we're
done with that and we can just get on being friends instead of business partners,
which will be very nice! oh, and i'm gonna try that "stick vinegar in
my hair" to dissolve all the blobs so i can comb out my hair. such a
mess!
2:54p i had a massive flame war with this other camgirl yesterday on this
other bbs. she was doggong on my friend isabella
from isabellacam.com 'cause she didn't like isa's other site: www.camgirlgallery.com
. so i rushed 2 isa's side, sword in hand! i am still totally pissed about
it. drama drama drama.
jason's phone
keeps ringing. like about every 15 minutes! i think i will go take it and
hide it under a pillow in the bedroom. or maybe i can figure out how 2 turn
the ringer off. i payed my rent and i'm getting the other bills together.
i payed janey by online cheque 'acuse i was late getting them their money.
i'd never done that before. every month it seems that what i owe them grows.
it is almost 200 bucks more than a few months ago. it is probably because
of them mp3s i put on anacam.
i need to make some merchandise for anacam. i want to make posters with lots
of little tiled up images from the cam. and each poster would be a theme.
like one poster will be all pix of me sleeping, then another could be all
me being arty and another one could be the "all nude sexy" one :)
i just don't know how to do this. how would i design something so large? several
hundred pix on each poster and i want the posters to be at least 3 feet tall
and printed on very very nice thick paper. i don't know whether they woud
look better on glossy paper or matte paper. i just don't know how 2 go about
designing something that large and then handing it over to the right printer
in the right format.
i also need a printer just to test stuff myself. my printer is broken. maybe
i could order a printer online so i can test different papers myself.
what do u think would be a good printer? i mean a REALLY REALLY good one!
i think i will start looking right now! then i can print out comics i make
and little books and tons of stuff and i wouldn't need to go to a printer.
i just had a cool idea 2 make the posters myself...and i could get them very
large by tying the pieces of paper together with some really nice string.
like sewing them together :) ya! then i could make lots of mini posters and
people could pick their fave 6 mini posters to be tyed together by me so each
poster could be for their individual taste! and i could include drawings made
by me , too!
wow, my brain just exploded on that idea! must get printer now! and i must
make some scrambled eggs!
jason is at
a job interview and he should be back any second
5:37p woa! expensive!!! DesignJet 755CM, 36in (91cm) 36'' Standard 72 MB $7577.00
10:24p i got all the globs in my hair 2 come out! yay :) i soaked my hair
in vinegar for an hour and a half and then what really did the trick is i
used the dog's wire brush that got out the mats :) now i might dye my hair
red or somethinga nad soon i'll have my extensions back in ;)
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other posts:
wow, i wish my dreams were happy. they at least have gone from being totally
terrifying to just uncomfortable.
i had a dream
last night that i was making a gigantic box kite. i was weaving together string
in a very elaborate way for it. it was about a block long. i tied it to an
airplane 2 pull it very fast and try to get it off the ground. it got off
the ground and then fell back 2 earth again and fell on someone and somehow
there was a gun inside the kite that shot the person, too.
and then i was arrested for murder
---------
Tuesday, June 6th, 2000
12:51a i'm making a new anagram and listening 2 mark hollis
---------
regarding mark hollis:
he is gorgeous deliciously unbelievably good!
he was the lead singer of talk talk
his solo stuff is very sad and slow and if u like david sylian's stuff u would
like his, i'm sure.
and if u don't know who david sylvian is , u must get his album called "
secrets of the beehive"
it is...sooooo beautiful. perfect for night time or crisp fall days or rainy
days or laying in bed staring at the ceiling :)
----------------
big ass flame war on another bbs:
bernadette...F * * * off....
Posted by ANA on Sunday, 4 June 2000, at 11:32 a.m., in response to Re: Cam Girl Thumbs, posted by Bernadette on Sunday, 4 June 2000, at 9:29 a.m.
i am so angry right now , i don't even know how 2 phrase this in a "politically correct way" so i won't...
so i'll just say:
could u POSSIBLY be more of a passive aggressive , psychotic, narcissistic , obessesive, neurotic, pathological BITCH from hell?
i don't think so.
if u touch one hair on isabella's KICK ASS website i will personally see 2 it that u will REGRET u ever did that. do NOT threaten her with your stupid scripts.
u are such a LIAR. it's ridiculous. u are seriously mentally deranged.
isabella is one of the most generous, kind, gentle, and loving people i know. and i would trust her with my LIFE. and i mean that with my entire being.
i cannot sit here silently , reading this RIDICULOUS thread and not stand by my friend, isabella. she doesn't deserve such vile treatment as u have displayed.
if u don't
like toplists then just don't BE on them. it's THAT simple.
if u are dong so remarkably well because of your cheery disposition, then
what do u even CARE?
i happen to
know a large number of people who do like recurring billing.
i, being one of them, when i join sites.
and your survey
is ridiculous.
guess what people are looking for in a camsite of YOUR ilk...
they also would like everything to be FREE and would like to see sex 24/7
just for them and them only.
does that mean u should give them what they want? give them everything for
free just because they want it??? sure...u go right on and do that. and why
don't u go over and clean there houses while you're at it and give them breakfast
in bed and give them a blowjob, too.
and guess what? what YOUR members want is not necessarily what MY members want or what isabella's members want. u are NOT the guru of business when it comes to camsites. nor did isa even ask u for your "advice"
just leave isabella alone. u obviously thrive on petty drama as u are always constantly coming in here and trying 2 rile everyone up.
god, i don't
even know how 2 end this...i am just so angry right now
so i'll just end it here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted by ANA on Sunday, 4 June 2000, at 10:54 p.m., in response to Re: Cam Girl Thumbs, posted by Bernadette on Sunday, 4 June 2000, at 9:01 p.m.
no, that is not the definition. please find out the definitions of personality disorders before u make yourself look like more of an idiot than u appearing to be. the definition is not different in different countries just as the word "cancer" is not different in different countries. and when i call u an idiot..don't take that personally, ok? i am just being blunt and honest.
here is a place u can find out more...and here is a link to a very specfic disorder u appear to have called Narcissistic personality disorder
http://www.healthcentral.com/mhc/top/000934.cfm
Alternative
names:
self-centeredness
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Definition:
A disorder of the personality characterized by an abnormal love of self, self-centeredness,
being self-absorbed, and an inability to empathize with the effects of one's
behavior on others.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Causes, incidence, and risk factors:
The cause of this disorder is unknown, but one theory proposes that the parents
of people who develop this disorder needed their children to be talented or
special in order to maintain their own self-esteem. This disorder usually
begins by early adulthood. Narcissistic people are unable to perceive themselves
and others accurately. They often feel entitled to special treatment by others
and can become demanding, angry, and easily offended.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Symptoms:
reacts to criticism with feelings or rage, shame or humiliation
takes advantage of others to achieve own goals
self-important
exaggerates achievements and talents
preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal
love
unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
requires constant attention and admiration
lacks empathy
---------
Posted by ANA on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 12:05 p.m., in response to Re: Cam
Girl Thumbs, posted by Bernadette on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 12:59 a.m.
i found "passive
aggressive" , i gave u the url.
my mother is a psychiatric nurse so i have learned a lot from her. my brother
was extremely passive aggresive, so i know what it is. i lived with it for
18 years.
just whatever.
i'm done with this.
u aren't going to get it i can see.
----------
Posted by ANA on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 12:16 p.m., in response to Re: Cam
Girl Thumbs, posted by Bernadette on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 9:27 a.m.
u said:
"...the average American restricted by political correctness and and
mob mentality "
ah, and u
are prejudiced , as well. that is really sad. :/
--------
Posted by ANA on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 3:18 p.m., in response to bleh, posted
by ee on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 2:23 p.m.
i find that statement very ironic coming from u, ee...since u have gone into my PRIVATE bbs and dogged on over a personal fight u were having with her at that time. and people in my bbs were feeling exactly how u are feeling right now about this fight here.
so please...no wagging of fingers. we all have our bad days. nobody is perfect.
it's earth. fights are bound 2 happen once in awhile almost everywhere. this bbs stays 99% flame free and i've been here since day 1 at this bbs. so i think that's pretty good average.
----------
oops
Posted by ANA on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 3:28 p.m., in response to Re: bleh, posted by ANA on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 3:18 p.m.
ah, it thought i was putting in html and took out a few words. sentence should have been:
...dogged on (name of camgirl withheld) over a personal fight...
*sigh*
and anyway...i
will just not stand for my friend, isa, getting totally dogged on just as
u felt dogged on my (name of camgirl)
surely u can understand that when u feel there has been an injustice?
but i think
that thread has been pretty picked over now. and so that is that.
a new day...(unless someone would like to take on B's prejudice...oh i mean
"OBSERVATION"... against an entire country of people)
haha :)
it's time
4 a nice carbonated sugary beverage!
---------------------
fear
Posted by ANA on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 6:14 p.m., in response to Re: Suggestion for Forum!!, posted by CloeiGrrl on Monday, 5 June 2000, at 4:58 p.m.
the camgirl
collage thread is very long. and right now there is only one flaming thread
in here right now. all the rest are friendly.
i seriously can't even remember when the last flaming thread was here since
the one yesterday.
i'm sorry u are having a bad day.
right now
i am watching oprah. ( i love her, so sue me :)
and this episode is about Fear
which is very appropriate for me 2 see this today!
since rage, bigotry, macho behaviour, bragging, etc..is all a form of fear.
that whole
entire thread flaming thread was ALL fear based
from any angle u wannna see it from, imo
fear that
there isn't enough "room" on the internet for every single camgirl
fear that another camgirl's success means there is less "success"
for u or me
fear that people will think badly of us
fera that someone will hack our site for speaking our minds
etc etc etc
i, for one,
can learn a lot about myself by seeing how i was acting out of fear
..not from a place of "love"
i think what
my fear was, in that thread, was that the bully ( bernadette, imo ) will "take
over" and stop others from being heard. that others will be afraid to
speak their minds for fear of being attacked by her...which did happen.
i fear she will instill in some camgirl's minds that there isn't room for
all of us and that toplists will somehow "take over" the net 'causing
complete injustice for all cams trying to make a living from this.
i had been
holding in my anger for a long time that i had about her..the way she is prejudiced
against america, for one thing.
and *I* feel bullied by her as she thinks there is only ONE way to have a
"successful" camsite. the way she thinks everyone on the top of
a toplist is "crap".
i am afraid her judgementalness will "rub off" on others.
i want everyine 2 know how wonderful isabella is. i don't want people 2 think
wrongly of her. i don't want people 2 think wrongly of ME!
now that i have yelled a big long yell in here, i fear what others will judge me as.
fear built on fear built on fear.
i don't want
others to be afraid of doing what they love. i don't want them to feel things
need to be a certain way in order to be "successful"
i don't want to feel that way MYSELF!
it's hard to have a camsite, it's different than other "jobs" in that it's so PERSONAL. if our site doesn't "do well" it's easy to think, "what is wrong with ME"
i just basically
wanted to say that isabella is a wonderful and FAIR person. and that whereever
u stand on a toplist does not say what YOU are worth.
or even what you site is worth.
and that there is enough room for all of us and we needn't think or act or
BE in way that thinks if so-and-so gets THIS muc traffic then i am getting
LESS traffic. that is my slant on things.
and i have this fear of injustice, which is what bernadette also fears, it seems. i just feel her line of thinking is totally out of whack..but i can understand it because i have also had a fear on the same level as she is feeling ( IN MY OPINION, this is how i see it from MY perspective )
i don't like to see my friends dogged on , when they are so kind and good.
i also don't
like ME 2 be dogged on...
i don't like to be misunderstood, that was one reason i started my cam because
i wanted to clarify myself to others , as i felt so misunderstood and easily
judged by others so much in my life, especially being a small "cute"
girl with fake hair and fake breasts in the entertainment industry...or even
not in that industry..i am not taken as seriously as i wish 2 be sometimes
simply because i am a small cute female.
anyway..i realized that the more i tried to clarify myself to others..the
more they projected their own thoughts and feelings onto me....
and i'm sure i do the same. we can all learn i lot, *I* can learn a lot about myself by taking a step back and watching my behaviour and watching my REACTION to the things around me.
the question
on oprah today, "what am i REALLY afraid of?"
(yes, i know i know..it's not "cool" 2 like oprah )
anyway..it's
a good question. and so often i find that whatever it is that is happening
in my life...the oprah show will be about EXACTLY what i need 2 step back
and look at. "synchronicity"