[10 May 2002|11:40pm]
woa! robyn hitchcock on craig kilborn tonight!
[10 May 2002|11:46pm]
sleepytime :)
happy birthday stacy!!! [11 May 2002|12:05am]
:)
[11 May 2002|12:23am]
it sounds like there is a giant GIANT lawnmower outside my window and it's
driving me NUTS! what the $%#&...?
[11 May 2002|12:37am]
ok, i'm not asleep yet. i had to watch robyn hitchcock on tv. he had a guy
playing with him who played a tiny miniature 2 octave piano! was it a toy
piano? does it have a name? are there more of these things?
it's weird and cool to watch people age. i have known robyn for 17 years....although
for the last 4 years i haven't had any contact with him :( i've tried to write
him letters but i don't know if he got them or what. maybe we've just been
on different wavelengths or something. i want to tell him about my cam! i
have lots of groovy little robyn hitchcock stories to tell. maybe i'll tell
them someday. i'm so glad he got to be on tv!
praise be allah! [11 May 2002|02:10am]
that horrible sound that was going on outside my window has finally stopped!
now i can SLEEP! it was so loud i had my gun silencer headset on!
the horrible horrible sound!!! [11 May 2002|02:29am]
oh F@#$! that sound came back!!! what IS it??!!! AUGH!!! how can i sleep through
it?
jason to the rescue! [11 May 2002|02:46am]
he's going out there to investigate this godawful sound! i love my jason!
escape from noise [11 May 2002|03:10am]
it was some jerk cleaning the sidewalks with some sort of power hose. asshole.
jason called the cops on him and he stopped. but i think he was done anyway...so
no sweat for this guy.
now i'm hungry for pancakes! i wish i had pancakes!
jason...will you make me some pancakes? :)
do you believe in angels? [11 May 2002|01:52pm]
have you ever seen or felt one?
[11 May 2002|04:14pm]
it's rainy here. my nose is stuffed up and i'm sleepy. i'm eating cherry twists.
at 6:30pm i'm going to watch " right on the money" on pbs. it's
about making a living being an artist.
[11 May 2002|09:48pm]
i hate that tomorrow is mother's day. i have no idea what to do about it.
what a suckfest. i feel like i'm damned if i do and damned if i don't regarding
tomorrow :/
[12 May 2002|09:22am]
i'm afraid that if i send her something she will take that as an opportunity
to say something manipulative back at me. plus...last time i sent her a birthday
present she didn't like it or say thank you because it was a book of photograghs
of mothers and daughters. she thought the gift wasn't appropriate since we
were not getting along. so...i am afraid. maybe i will send her an e card
later...
i'm going out soon for brunch with jason and his family. of course i feel ultra guilty that i'm with his mom today and not mine.
i dunno. i don't think there is a way around this day. i don't think there is a way to make it not suck times infinity. really really depressing.
mother's day has always been rough for me 'cause my mom places ultra importance on this day. almost like she measures how good of a mother she is by what i buy her on this day.
like on one mother's day when i was a kid, i wrote her a song instead of buying her a present. i gave it to her on cassette. it was one of the first songs i ever wrote and she was absolutely furious with me. she didn't even listen to it. she thought i was taking the easy way out and not buying her a present by giving her something i had made. she yelled at me that i should have bought her something like a dustbuster...which was something she wanted but was TOTALLY out of my price range at that time as i was a kid with no job and 30 bucks a month allowance.
mom [12 May 2002|12:08pm]
i sent this to her via email:
"thank
you for everything you have given me
thank you for giving birth to me
i hope that today will be/is a good day for you
i am thinking
about you always and wishing you the best always"
[12 May 2002|03:30pm]
i took an afternoon nap.
i dreamt that i was the overseer of a little town in the medieval times. i
was also the owner of a restaurant type place and i lived above it. i watched
this dream unfold by watching it from above...so the land looked like a map.
i also saw it simultaeously from below and many different angles.
a wagon came
and crossed the bridge into the town. it passed my restaurant at an intersection
and accidentally hit a pedestrian decapitating him and cutting off one of
his legs. i saw this from above and below and also via crude drawings and
diagrams. then i witnessed the same event as the pedestrian getting hit.
then i relived it again as the driver who hit the pedestrian.
i also witnessed it as if i were a person who carries then the leg and head into the restaurant and yells for a doctor. i am also someone in the restaurant , at the bar, watching this on tv.
then they are going to repeat the entire event from all points of view on the tv and i bring jason over to watch and i tell him to not turn away from the tv even for a second because each second is crucial to the story. but i'm having a hard time getting him to pay attention.
this town is also by a river and a gulf of the ocean.
2 sperm whales
come close to the town. this is a huge event for the town as we all find out,
i think by tv again, that whales this large bring many tourists to the town
as many believe that because the whales are here, it will attract more fish
and fishing will be excellent for everyone when the whales are here. also
the whales are fun to watch and produce big waves.
and i realize that, for the whales, it's no big deal to be able to circle
the earth many many times in their lifetime. and the whales find it amusing
that we study the microcosm the same as they study the macrocosm.
the whales send messages to other whales transcontinentally with their use of sounds and vibration. it can travel through land or water.
jason and i decide to swim over the whales and it takes 2 hours to swim past each whale. we marvel at their size.
i think jason and i are also in a movie theater in the second row on the left.
then i'm in
a crappy bathroom with trent reznor. he has found a new way to record which
is cutting with a razor blade into the whale skin these delicate edgings.
it doesn't hurt the whales at all. each song he writes and records in this
way is around 30 to 40 minutes long and he records perhaps 7 or more songs.
he sings the "i want to live" over and over in each song. i see
all of this cutting into the whale skin.
his new way is critically acclaimed and his fans do not desert him because
of his new more positive songs.
i am also chatting with trent in a chatroom as well as also being in the bathroom with him. and he persuades me to take social studies 2001 and 2002 with him. i see that his drug usage before 2000 wasn't too bad..but i know that in 2001 and 2002 it gets much much worse and we laugh about this, because...what else can we do? what's going to happen has already happened and we can't do anything to change it.
i tell him
that sperm makes great hair gel (well, it does!)
[12 May 2002|03:59pm]
i'm going over to jason's to hang out :)
today i must focus on tax stuff. bah.
and i absolutely
MUST start on the atkin's diet today because pounds are attaching to me at
an alarming rate!
gah! it's gonna be hard to give up sugar again 'cause i am so addicted to
it. but i must because gaining weight is depressing.
i knew sending
my mom anything for mother's day, even just that email, was a bad idea. but
i don't think anything i could have done on that day would have been a good
idea.
she has just now left a very long message on my machine basically saying that
she doesn't understand at all why i have cut off contact with her (and she
guesses that she may have said a few things that aggravated me) and she wants
to know if i ever want to see her again. if she doesn't hear back from me
in 3 days she is going to assume that i never want to see her again because
she wants to move on with her life because all of this has "damn well
killed her".
the message
my mom left on my machine: [13 May 2002|06:11pm]
hell. this is your mom calling. um, i don't even know what to say to you at
this point because i have no idea what's going on because you haven't communicated
that to me. i don't know if you're just finished with having a mother or if
you want a mother or if you're going to contact me at some point or i don't
know why you're so pissed off at me. i know, i'm sure i've said things that
i have aggravated you but you've just cut me off and so if that's the way
it's going to be it seems to me that you at least owe me something to at least
to explain why you have decided to cut me off. if you're not going to do that,
if you're just done with me then i wish you'd to at least tell me that because
at this point i'm assuming that your just pissed off, done with me, excommunicated
yourself and done having a mother. so if that's the case it would be sort
of nice if i knew that. if i don't hear from you with a within a couple of
days i'll assume thats the case that you've basically divorced me and never
want to see me again and i'm going to go one with my life. but i need some
confirmation of what in the hell is going on. that's how i feel. i haven't
heard from you. i have no idea where all of this came from or anything. it's
very difficult this whole situation has damn well killed me. i need to just
move on with my life if this is what the case is. i hope i hear from you one
way or the other in the next few days. goodbye.
[14 May 2002|08:41pm]
i slept overnight at jason's last night. i worked on my taxes til 5am. thought
and thought and thought about my mom. had horrible gruesome violent nightmares.
then i stayed at jason's while he was at work and watched "little women"
which was a super corny movie..but it's also a super corny book. i needed
to vedge today. then jason and i went food shopping and i got a white cake
that i might smash and destroy later since i didn't do it on my birthday.
i'm not going to announce if i smash it. i'll just do it spontaneously :)
my house is a massive pit. i've absolutely let it go for a week and it's gross.
but i'll think about that tomorrow. gonna go back to jason for a few more
hours to be with him then i'll be sleeping at my house.
[14 May 2002|11:00pm]
[ mood | curious ]
i wrote this
to my mom:
"did you get my email i sent you on mother's day?"
i figure that's
the least damaging email i could send her.
wow, it's
supposed to get up to 76 degrees today! but thunderstorms might happen, too
( yay! )
i had extremely gorey violent dreams again. i don't know why i'm dreaming
such GRUESOME things. like i dreamt i was in cambodia and there the ruler
loved to blast people through the head and then hang them by the hole in their
head with giant hooks onto a wall for everyone to see. it was almost like
a fair attraction. it was truly disgusting and scary.
there was a light that came out of a wall, almost like a film projector and
it was intensely how and maybe this would burn a hole through a person's skull
or else line up on their head and show where they should be gouged? a person
was supposed to stare at where this light was shining for some reason...if
a person could handle it...and if they couldn't handle it they could look
a bit to the left were a child-like stuffed animal or some sort of happy cartoon
figure thing was or look to the right...which i can't recall what was on that
side but it was more adult-oriented.
all i know is i wanted to get the heck out of there but i ended up in a movie
theatre with "it" , wisecracking with it so it wouldn't hurt me.
it was interesting on oprah yesterday how they said men do the "fight or flight" response and women do a "tend or befriend" thing. and i've never hearrd that before about women, but it makes perfect sense as that is what i do.
anyway...enough with the gruesome dreams. the gruesome dream i had the night before last was i was in a lake with some guy and i thought he was my friend, but he held me down in the water and drowned me to keep me with him. then he took my bodyand chopped me up into little pieces and the lake became are disgusting "human soup". augh. lots of murder then mutilation in my dreams. i usually don't dream things so bloody and gorey. usually my dreams are frightning in a mental way.
anyway...i
hope i get outside today to enjoy the weather. i think that will do me good!
but first i have a bunch of anacam biz i must do.
[15 May 2002|11:23am]
there is someone playing bagpipes out my window!
what my mom wrote back to me: [15 May 2002|12:50pm]
[ mood | distressed ]
what my mom wrote back to me:
"yes."
---------------------------------------------------
so...WHAT ON EARTH????????
gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can feel the adrenalin surging through my body.
i wrote back:
"then why did you leave that message on my machine?"
[15 May 2002|02:04pm]
my LJ font has been returned to a size 3 font instead of 20. i'm going to
eat some strawberries now. the sun has gone away.
[15 May 2002|02:57pm]
i didn't get a huge long email from hell from my mom, thank god. she wrote
back:
"I don't care to use email,as I've explained. I'd like you to call me
if you want to have a relationship."
i'm not going to respond to that.
[15 May 2002|03:17pm]
my blogger account still works. i'm surprised. i made it over 2 years ago
maybe. i never figured out how to use it, but, for the heck of it, i'm trying
to figure it out again.
[15 May 2002|03:44pm]
well, i did write her back. she said she didn't want to use email because
she was using her husband's email account and didn't have her own.
i wrote her
this:
"i've already explained to you why i don't want to use the telephone
with you.
if you want me to resend you the emails that i've sent you explaining why,
let me know and i'll do this.
if you'd like
to get your very own email account so that you aren't using steve's ( as i've
already explained to you )
there are a myriad of free easy to use services.
you can get a free email account at:
http://www.juno.com
http://www.hotmail.com
http://www.yahoo.com
or feel free to write me a handwritten letter.
i'm not going to get together with you and just look at you and say nothing.
i don't feel comfortable doing that at all.
PLEASE RESPECT
MY BOUNDRIES"
--------------------------------------------------------------
at the same time that i was writing this she called me on the phone and i
heard her on my machine saying that she had an idea that maybe she and i should
get together and not say anything but just look at each other.
i don't see
the point in that whatsoever and i don't feel comfortable with that
blogger, the amazing race, taxes and mom [15 May 2002|03:56pm]
can't figure blogger out at all.
i made a diectory but when i publish to it..nothing shows up in it. i've tried
publishing to an anacam directory and also using their free directory but
when i go to the url i made or they made..nothing is there. and i can see
my posts i've made when i log in to blogger...but it won't delete them when
i try to delete them.
-----------------------
talked to people about taxes. not fun. working on the mom situation. not fun.
but compared to my mom, taxes are a breeze.
-----------------------
in happier new, tonight is the finale of the amazing race! i hope the brother
and sister team win! :)
gadzooks [15 May 2002|04:43pm]
i know that this won't help anything, most likely. but i went and made my
mom her own email account on yahoo so now she can't use the excuse of not
having her own email account.
i emailed her the directions on how to get there and use it.
i hope she uses it, but i'm certainly not counting on it.
[15 May 2002|05:02pm]
i'm eating pistachios :) then i'm going to bleach my hair
creepy times infinity [15 May 2002|05:40pm]
god. my mom just filled my answering machine with 2 minutes of utter bullshit.
too long to transcribe right now.
but basically it went back to that she tyhinks i've NEVER told her how i feel,
i just tell it to other people but never her. that i act one way in front
of her then act another way in with others which is ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. she
even goes to say that she doesn't even know if i'm MAD at her or what...which
is YE olde argument with her...all my life she asks this question of me "
are you pissed at me? are you angry with me? do you feel hostility towards
me?"
which the answer was until a few years ago "NO" and i would tell
her that over and over and over again...because she only knows how to project
her OWN emotions onto me...and SHE felt hostility towards HER mother.
in the last
few years i HAVE been angry with her and i let ( i typo-ed love instead of
let! ) her know this in NO uncertain terms. the last time she asked me that
question i asked her " what do i say now when you ask me that question?
you DO know that you ask me that question ALL the time and i have always given
you an answer" and so i make her "guess" as to what she thinks
the answer is that i told her. and she will said, " no , you're not mad
at me" . and i said "no, mom, I'M VERY MAD with you!" and then
i will say this a few more times and i will tell her ALL the reasons why i
am mad.
this has been going on since i was 7 , i swear.
it's REALLY CREEPY!
now she is,
again , asking me i'm mad at her and , if so, what are the reasons? it's so
so creeeeeeeepy.
it's official! [15 May 2002|05:54pm]
i NEED the osbournes to adopt me!
ORANGE [15 May 2002|06:18pm]
all of a sudden: POW! i am into the colour orange! :)