analog 041800
today ( the
18th ) is my 34th birthday!
34 is so blah sounding, 33 had a nice "zing" 2 it
the next nice sounding number, to me, is 37, but i really look forward to
44 :)
i wonder what
i'll look like when i'm 44, and if i'll still have my cam and if i do, will
u still watch?
the net will be so super fast then, it'll be insane. i can't wait!
i can't wait 2 have my wearable computer!
i want it nowwwwwwwwww :)
i was supposed 2 get streaming from hereandnow on friday. erik told me 2 order three more ips, so i did. a guy was supposed 2 come over on friday morning and hook it all up. he never did. not only that but no one has called me or emailed me since about it, even tho i emailed erik about it, i've heard nothing back. zilch. so i am utterly confused and quite pissed off at this as i waited and waited all day friday for something 2 happen and i was sick as a dog on top of it. i just don't know what 2 think or what 2 make of this.
jennifer of jennicam got her streaming up tho and i will check in on that when i wake up :)
i do have streaming video already in ana2, just not for public use because i am getting my stream from a friend and if i made it public he would get stuck with a very large bill.
i really like erik a lot and we have had many wonderful telephone conversations for over a year now, so i haven't the faintest clue why he is dogging me like this:(
in other shitty
news i have been sick with this stupid cold for almost a week now and it has
sucked the life out of me :(
but i made use of my nyquilled state by adding:
4,531 new
campictures into a new section of ana2 called "first apartment"
!!! it's all the cool pictures from the first 5 months of anacam august97-dec97
that's right: FOUR THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED THIRTY ONE!
it took me 10 or more hours a day or more to sort through thousands and thousands of my pictures and then pick out 4,531 that i liked! then categorize them!
and i put
new anapix up , too :)
http://www.anacam.com/anapix
it was really amazing 2 see how many pictures i've taken...how much work (
and play! ) i have put into my cam! wow!
i do have 2 say i kick ass :)
hehe :)
here are some of the categories for the pictures:
thee amazing
and ever popular: PUSSY TV :)
here are some of my well cultivated SILLY LOOKS
BLATANT SEXUALITY (or better known as "fun with the hitachi magic wand"!)
my whacky heartfelt new agey feel-good FIRST TIME NUDE
THEE MODERN GRRL IZ ENTERTAINMENT VALU
STORY ABOUT MY DAD
WHAT I DO WHEN SAD
BAD MOOD HALLOWEEN
BLACK CROSSES
NUDE WITH WINGDINGS
ORANGES AND MIRRORS (with sunlight)
and who could live without SEXY POSES ?
DOLL PARTS (how arty!)
HAND GESTURES (how mysterious!)
BODY CLOSEUPS (how tantalizing!)
u want smiles? i've got smiles! ridiculous amounts! eek!
BEAUTY TREATMENT
u KNOW god IZ in your bubblebath!
and the not as popular but still very efficient:
SHOWERS
and where would any of us be without...
EATING
it is what it is:
JUST NUDITY
for lack of not knowing what to call these misc pix:
ARTYSTUFF
just for the heck of it:
FEET AND BOOTS
misc. pictures of various corners of my apartment, so i can remember that
crickety old place!
MY APARTMENT
and then there were too many...
THINGS IN MY APARTMENT
oo la la :)
NEWWAVE FACE
my kitty kat, the puffin, the big fluffball, i miss her so much :(
NOVA
the dog u know and love:
POOKA
i never talk on the phone much anymore, but i sure did then!
my collection of...
ORBS
a lot of these pix are up in silly looks, but i had 2 have them as a collection
here, too
PMS, IMPERFECTIONS, WHEN I AM 99
and my world reknowned, well-cultivated art of sleeping:
mmm, yummy!
THINGS FROM THE JAR
---------
so that is
part of what i've been up to. watching a lot of movies that i do not remember
the names of any of them! just zonked on the bed with the dogs.
i did start writing u an email a few days ago but then it just slowly deteriorated
into nonsense and i didn't email it ( obviously)
i had something else 2 tell u too, oh...
even tho my
cam is rather boring lately because of me being sick, i made the refresh be
every 2 minutes instead of 5 because of my birthady. who knows, maybe i'll
feel better later and something interesting will happen?
well, actually interesting things are ALWAYS happening in my house, it's just
that a lot of the time it's all in my head where no one can see it!
when i look the most lazy, that is when i am actually the most busy!
*cough cough sniffle*
what else what else?
oh...i finally
met that man that lives upstairs from me that posted my address on my bbs,
the bastard. he is as big as a house!
i didn't say anything and neither did he. i just froze up and felt sort of
numb.
and then another shitty thing ( it hasn't been a good week AT ALL ) is yet another person wrote my address on the bbs, so i reported them to their isp and i am also going 2 file a report with the cops because of their intention 2 harm me.
i went 2 my shrink the other day because i am way more nervous than i have been because of all of this and can't sleep well ( and that is probably what made me sick ) and i was trying 2 tell him all the things that were making me nervous and i TOTALLY almost forgot 2 mention the thing with my neighbours and when i did, i started 2 cry. it's like i keep trying 2 block out that part of my life and just move on. it's weird, i've never tried 2 block things out before.
so my dr. put me on 10mg of celexa, but i don't think it's having much of
an effect on me.
sorry this email is such a downer! wish i could stop coughing and bring u
a happy joy joy birthday email! but such is life!
and the weather mirrors it. so grey it's been! and cold!
usually the dandelions, which are my fave flower, are out by now!
but it's as grey and february here and i even put the heater on at night.
i do feel
a great sense of accompishment at getting the first 5 months of anacam up
and archived, tho :)
that was a HUGE task! i am still missing lots of pix tho from 1998 so if anyone
has any pix of me that they saved from 1998 could u send then to: anapix@voog.com
thank u :)))))))))
oh, and i've got my period on top of having a cold too! oh yay!
before i was
sick i did have a really wonderful time seeing negativland at first ave.
oh damn, i really should go get that email i started writing 2 u days ago
and just include it in here..i will go into the bedroom and get it off the
laptop i was writing it on...
ok, here it is:
"hi :)
it's 3:30pm and i'm laying in bed today because i have a bad cold. so i'm
watching bad movies on cable and i have the dogs with me. they are here by
my side all comfy snuggled into the blankets. nyquil is making the day be
a bit woozy, but i don't mind.
i have so much 2 tell u but i don't even know where 2 begin or if i have the energy 2 type it. i'm typing this on my laptop on the bed, so i'm typing at a weird angle, plus i type with only three fingers ( i've moved up from one ).
firstly, on saturday i went 2 first avenue ( a club here in minneapolis, it's where prince's film 'purple rain' was filmed )
i think my foot is falling asleep from the weird position im in! erk.
so i went 2 first ave. i've played there a billion times. it's like a second home for me, i know it's every nook and cranny. but i never go there much anymore. i just haven't been in that frame of mind. it gets old but i still love that place and i especially love steve mcclellan who is in charge.
wow, my mind just splintered into a million highways there...so many stories flooded me that i had 2 stop typing. i really need 2 install some voice activated typing thing so i can get this all out 'cause there are so many funny stories and i have that mavis beacon teach yourself 2 type cdrom. i have 2 get off my ass and learn. i guess i still have this aversion 2 anything that is like a class. or maybe what i'm afraid of is that i'll find it too boring to pay attention to it. i don't know what my problem is. i guess the thing is, is that i'm afraid it will all whiz by me too fast and i won't be able 2 take it in and then i'll overload and freeze up. but that's just ridiculous 'cause i remember in junior high i took a summer course in typing and it wasn't very hard at all. i remember that was the time i expressed my individuality in the way i dressed. i painted my toenails with tiny thin stripes on them. i did it with a toothpick. i was really proud of my acheivement. it took a long time and a steady hand. so i was excited to show off my toes the next day so i wore sandals. but no one liked them. they just looked at me like i was a freak! i spent the rest of typing class trying 2 curl my toes 2 hide them under the desk. i tried to see my toenail polish design through their eyes so that i could understand why they thought it was so stupid or ugly or whatever they thought. but i just couldn't understand it, i thought it looked amazing. anyway, as soon as i got home and took off the polish. maybe that is why i have an aversion to learn how 2 type again? i seriously doubt it! :) it's not like i typed that out because i am now forever emotionally scarred from that for life...it was just that it came into my mind and i'd forgotten about that and here i am on my bed on nyquil...so....
what i need is a best friend with a car. someone who will take me to the place to get my broken camcorder fixed. and to go buy some huge canvases i can paint on. anyone know how i could get a 15 foot long 10 foot high canvas? 'cause i really want 2 paint, but i want 2 paint something REALLY big. massive. like the kind u see in art galleries. is there some place that u can special order canvases? i also need to get a helmet of some sort...that i can drill a hole in the center from portion of...then put it the bendy part of a microphone stand on it. u know those parts on some microphones stands that are bendy? just that part has 2 be connected right into the "forehead" of the helmet. then i will connect a cam on the end of it and twist it so it is always on my face. i would use my connectix cam that is connected 2 my laptop that is wireless. this way when i take my mobile cam out, i don't have 2 worry if anyone will worry that they might be on cam , because it will always be pointed straight at my face. i wouldn't have 2 think about it. it would just always be pointed at me. and it would look hilarious, too :)
but i don't have a car to get all this stuff. or know how to put it all together. i don't even have my license!
ooo, i just lit a nice aromatherapy candle. candles and incence and bubblebath or my gods.
so nonlinear...all of these paragraphs contain within them the seeds 2 grow an actual complete thought, believe me, but nyquil has wrapped my brain into a nice warm fuzzy blanket
sometimes i leave the periods off of my sentences on purpose. sometimes sentences just don't need a period. but that thought wasn't even worthy of being typed. but i typed it anyway
should i lay back down or keep typing?
i have all this heavy stuff 2 say too, but all my emails have been so heavy lately, i just don't wanna go there
ok, synapses:
went 2 first ave and saw negativland ( www.negativland.com ) they were amazing! then the next day i hung out with jason ( my boyfriend ), and carolyn( my best friend and bassist of the blue up?) and mark ( from negativland )
went 2 the dr. he put me on 10mg of celexa a day since my anxiety levels are higher then average due in large part 2 the freaks in my apartment that i THINK i'm healed from all all over and done with then realize i'm not.
and tuesday, the 18th it's my 34th birthday!
yesterday it snowed like xmas, but it's all gone now.
for the past week i've stayed up until 6am working 10 hours a day on sorting through every single picture from the first five months of anacam and putting them into an archive on ana2.com called "first apartment" it's been great 2 be able to work on that and channel my nervous energy into doing something like that.
and it's been fascinating 2 me 2 see myself at a distance..since so much time has passed since i made those pictures. watching as i evolve..chisel out what it is i want 2 do with this medium..which constantly changes and evolves with each hour.
so thousands more picture are added 2 the ana2 archives and thousands more 2 be added soon :) things like "1st time nude, thee modern grrl iz entertainmant valu, blatant sexuality, pussy tv, silly looks, story about my dad..." so much more 2 put up there!
if anyone has any pictures they saved from 1998 please send them 2 me to: anapix@voog.com 'cause i am missing a lot from that year.
and tomorrow the tech guy from hereandnow.net is coming here with three more computers 2 hook up. i will have streaming with sound!
richard pryor"
---------
ok...about richard prior....
i watched a biography on him on a&e, biographies are my fave things!
he certainly had a sucky life and i did not know he had lit himself on fire
in a fit of drinking and depression!
i also did not know how he was so on the cutting edge of comedy especially
for black men, so i was very interested 2 find that out.
thing is tho...as much as people want 2 say that racism is the biggest hurdle for "mankind" to get over...i disagree. it is definitely sexism, which is by far more extensive. not a worse problem. both are equally as bad. but as yoko ono said "woman is the nigger of the world"
for example,
a skit that richard prior was working on that never did air was this:
the premise:
richard prior is on trial for raping a woman but, in fact, he is the only person on that jury room who never had sex with her.
ok, i understand that many crimes get blamed on blacks a billion times more than whites. i understand that there is a fear about black men having sex with white women and that if a black man had sex with a white woman the public could blame him for rape instead. etc.
but the thing
is...that premise would only be funny ( and it's not funny at all ) if
1) he was the only person in that room who had not RAPED her
or
2) he was on trial for having sex with her NOT rape
so even in
the midst of such a radical comic making strides for his race...the woman
is STILL the nigger
and no one even blinks an eye or thinks twice about it.
i am so disturbed by this, u have no idea!
and this kind of stuff is everywhere....well, actually it's directed right at me almost daily!
------
uck.
------
next thing i'm gonna do is get voice activated software typing thing and read out all my journals i kept since the age of 22, because i have a need now 2 go back and revisit my mind back then so i can understand myself better. now that i've had 10 years of distance from a lot of that writing, i think i can gleen a lot of insight into myself from rereading it.
so that is my next big project.
i have also
been wondering if i should try to get into that big brother tv show thing
that nbc is doing.
there have already been two of those shows in europe. the winner gets 500,000!
and what i would do with that money if i won is buy a house!
but i would have 2 shut down anacam for three months. go to www.nbc.com and
click on "big brother" and tell me if u think i'd be insane to try
to enter that!
i just want a house SO BAD!!!!
oh, and wanna
hear something weird? well, u know how i have my wall of sevens that i just
put back up. the only reason the number is seven is because that was what
was on sale at axman, this gigantic surplus store filled with weird stuff.
they had a big roll of 7 stickers, so that is why it's seven.
seven is also very nice sounding
well, i was
thinking of buying the domain "girl7" for about the last year or
more. i would keep looking to see if it was available and it always was. in
fact all that was taken was girl1 and girl2 ( girl2.com are very cool! they
are my friends, go check them out ! )
then a week ago i checked them all again and girl3-9 were also ALL taken,
EXCEPT for girl7!!
isn't that WEIRD???
so i took that as i sign from the universe that it was meant for me :)
so now i have girl7.com
yay :)
so that is a happy thing :)
i need the
logo that they use as the symbol for "woman"..u know like on the
bathrooms? cause i have a cool logo idea for girl7,
anyone know where on the net i could find a clear crisp copy of that logo?
god, all my
coughing is so exhausting me :( and it always gets bad at night right when
i want 2 sleep. why is that?
these cherry nice cough drops are not working
tomorrow , for my birthday, jason is taking me out for sushi. maybe a large dose of wasabi will help me :)
oh and check out this site:
delish!!!
and check this out:
http://www.soda.co.uk/soda/constructor
oh, and my
black and white connectix died :( and one of my main camcorders died :(
and i've been bad at balancing my chequebook again. ack. and i bounced 4 cheques.
so stupid of me.
god, i think
i'm hacking up a furball right now and i am sweating. i can't tell if it's
hot in here or it's just my sickness.
i am in such a weird mental and physical state right now,
i hope that this is all just a messy metamorpheses (sp?) into a new level of light being
perhaps i am being transformed like the guy in "the fly", but into something really streamlined and marvelous
i can't wait to get this gooey cocoon off of my new body and spirit that yearns to stretch out right now
renewal renewal renewal
happy birthday to me!