analog (an excerpt taken from the anagram on ana2.com ) 03.23.99

here is some more of my jounals ( journals deleted, they are only for ana2.com members) from 1989, 90. as I type through this shit. I really can't believe what an ignorant, stubborn wimp I was to actually say the things I said in here. I am still digesting it. I still think I can be as insecure as I feel in these writings. but, I've come a long way, but I think I still have just a little further to go. man, what low self-asteem or stubborness or something I had there. it's just gross to read. this is definitely good to read if you want to learn what NOT to be and what NOT to do. talk about classic codependent abused " my love can change him if only he could see it" crap. the signs were more than obvious that this guy was a complete psycho. he and his x wife even told me that he was indeed psycho and that I should run away. but did I listen, no! I thought that perhaps it was his x-wife who had conditoned him in believing he was not worthy of love, and therefore trampled on me because of his unfortunate situations. like having 4 children by the age of 20. can u say "wear a fucking condom u complete and utter selfish idiot?" or why did she not get on the pill? whatever. we all can be extremely stupid. beyond stupid. where did I get this " I can change him withmy love" shit? I thought about this for many many years and couldn't think of a reason, until just about a year ago it dawned on me that my brother was a VERY VERY abusive person and my whole family made me "take it" and they took it too, because he's family and you're supposed to love family no matter what. and being that we were all loving christians taught to "turn the other cheek" and "do unto others as you would have done unto you" and so on and so forth..i took this to mean that once you love somebody you should let them beat you up and never never leave 'cause if you did, then you were just a quitter and couldn't take the challenge of truly loving someone no matter what. unconditional love, all that crap. reading the letters I wrote to him just makes me cringe. did I REALLY write those? also, I had been so utterly torn up from my previous and first relationship of four years with my highschool sweetheart, ed…that I couldn't bear to think of another break up like that. I'm still getting over the pain of that. it was utterly devastating. I'll tell you that story some other time.
meanwhile, I should get outside 'cause it's 49 degrees outside, but I feel so nervous , I think it's because of going back into those journals. jason made some split pea soup so I'm going to go eat it now. I have my period. I need to go outside and get some fresh air and let the sun wash the past from my dna. it's staying lighter out longer, I just noticed that now, it's 5:30 pm and the sun is still shining!