[08 Mar 2002|09:29am]
my dad wrote back and said that they did not adopt my brother primarily for
me and he said he'd have to think on the other stuff.
i wrote back:
"thank you :) i appreciate you helping me.
i want to remember things in an accurate way, and that's not an easy thing
to do
when going back into one's childhood. and i just don't want to distort anything.
i love you!"
my MOM wrote
me back again and said this:
"Please write back, even if you are mad.
Love Mom"
what on earth am i supposed to say? do i write her back and tell her i just have nothing to say? if i write her back that...won't i just be opening myself up for another insultfest by her? i mean, there is nothing i could say TRUTHFULLY that wouldn't make her get just nasty with me. i feel like she wrote that 'cause now she's feeling a little paranoid that because of what she said, she will lose contact with me...which is true...she did.
do i write her back a one liner of some sort? do i just say "i have no reponse for you"...i don't want to EXPLAIN why i have no response as that will get NO where and only open it up for me to jab at me again. any suggestions on what i should do here?
i think i should respond with something short and sweet..and not mean in any way...but not cutting her any slack. i don't want to explain or justify anything to her, that will get no where. i don't want to be mean or brutal , i just want to be calm and frank in saying that there is just no where i feel i can go from there..after her email like that...we are on two opposite sides of the spectrum..or whatever...all dialogue with her is pointless. but i don't want to say it like THAT.
gahhhhhh.
blarg. maybe i should not write anything at all. or maybe i should just stall
her by writing back " i'm thinking..."
no...that doesn't seem like a good thing either.
help?
[08 Mar 2002|10:58am]
i went all the way to feb 24th and made any post that had references to my
mom in them friend's only...as i'm scared she is going to read them as use
them as ammunition against me in any way she can. i don't want to do this.
i want to write what i want in my journal without fear of her wrath. but at
this time, i don't feel strong enough to deal with that.
after awhile, i might take the friend's only part off. or maybe i should just say fuck it...and make them not friend's only. i hate living in fear and doing things out of fear.
but just to let you know...all my entries in my livejournal eventually end up in anacam's analog section....
i don't think my mom would think to go there...especially since she doesn't understand how to use a computer. but obviously she did read my journal that one time that i know of.
or maybe i should just start a new journal somewhere else...but that would be a big pain in the ass. especially since i have established THIS as my journal.
i don't know what to do. i think the only thing to do is just to let go of that fear and if she wants to use this as ammunition against me...let her. just having this site at ALL is ammunition against me.
but right
now, i don't feel strong enough...
[08 Mar 2002|11:16am]
woke up for a bit. got caught up in LJ.
gonna try to get a few more hours of sleep in, 'cause i didn't get much sleep.
because i'm anxious.
if my journal seems mundane at the moment, it's because a lot of my entries
have been friend's only lately or "under the bed"
[08 Mar 2002|12:41pm]
i finally saw "hedwig and the angry inch" last night. thingie made
me a copy :) pretty cool movie! reminded me a lot of "the rocky horror
picture show"
i guess i
won't go back to sleep. i'll take a nap later on in the day.
i see my shrink at 5pm. i haven't seen him since last summer! kiitos is gonna
give me a ride and she also bought me some grapefruit. what a sweetheart :)
[09 Mar 2002|02:59pm]
kiitos and i had a great time last night and i spent the night at her house.
today i almost didn't make it home because of blizzard like conditions and
her car was stuck in the snow.we had to find people to help us push the car
out of the ice!
the dogs were basically good while i was gone, tho they have figured out how to get up on my bed while i'm gone which is not a good thing...but i was surprised they did no damage. then i went up to jason's for a few minutes and i come back...and one of them totallt peed all over my down comforter, and they KNOW that is wrong. fuckers. now they are sulking around the house because they know i am mad. i am soaking it in the bathtub and the sheets are in the washer. grrr. thank god it dodn't soak through to my electric blanket.
bad dogs bad dogs.
so my psychiatrist
put me on paxil. does paxil make you gain weight?
[09 Mar 2002|03:40pm]
my dr. also put me back on xanaax. THANK GOD!
and did you know that paxil costs 96 frickin' bucks for only 30 pills????
i am BUMMED. i totally cannot afford to see my psychiatrist at 120 bucks a
session, then i'm going to see the psychologist on tuesday who costs just
as much...and now my medicine each month costs me 150 bucks again. SUCKFEST!
it shouldn't cost this much to get WELL.
plus i back owe my shrink 400 bucks..and i back owe my psychologist 120.
which is good that i had 600 extra dollars in my account this month, so i
can pay this.
but i sure would like to have some extra money that i could actually save!
must make more art and more books!
kiiitos lent me her nick drake biography so i'm excited to read that :)
i also got my knockers the klown mug from cafepress and it's of wonderful quality. i am happy to drink coffee out of it and see ducky doolittle's smiling klown face while i drink :)
the dogs also ate two upseide down deiter dog books, so i put those all up in a place they cannot eat them. now i must make two more. i wonder if it was deiter who ate the books. cannibal.
i'm gonna eat some food now, i'm starving!
oh and i also received my pupshaw totebag.
i'm still
looking for a way to get those jim woodring toys from japan....if the guy
that wrote me who lives on japan and wanted to trade ana2 for those toys...i
wrote you back...but i don't know if the email got through to you because
your email looked like garbly gook nonsense alphabet in my pegasus email :/
[09 Mar 2002|04:08pm]
well, my dad has not replied at all regarding my question of does he remember
spending any time with me when i was a child. he said he'd have to think about
it. does he have to think about it for DAYS just to come up with an answer?
that is SO sad and pathetic.
[09 Mar 2002|05:49pm]
called my dad and i feel sorta better. sorta. it's something, tho. better
than nothing.
[09 Mar 2002|07:00pm]
there must be a yoga instructor who would come to my house and teach me, don't
u think? also i want to learn about tantric breathing. i need to learn to
breathe. annie sprinkle says that she can have an orgasm just from breathing.
that is something i rrrrreeeaally wanna know about :) all the things i want
are in california!
my dogs are
sleeping right now and the cuteness factor is off the scale. i can't stand
it! i just wanna squish them and squish them!
[09 Mar 2002|07:02pm]
anyone know where i can buy rhinestones in huge volumes for super cheap?
things i collect [09 Mar 2002|08:22pm]
dolls
amber
bakelite
mirrors ( even broken pieces)
keys
dry cleaning tags
string art
owls
doll parts
albino taxidermy
diaries
personal handwritten letters
tare panda
egg beaters
telephones
glitter
crystals
rocks
miniature dishes and cutlery
silk velvet
plastic and glass fruit
incence
candles
bubblebath
human hair
books about the sex industry, erotica, medical curiousities
glass eyes
all metal scissors
things that are made of clear plastic or glass
honeybear bottles
cobalt blue glass
marbles
superballs
orbs
globes
ball bearings
female mannequins
photos of amputees
vintage lingerie especially corsets
crinolens
pantaloons
vintage stuffed animals
vintage wedding dresses
what do u
collect?