analog 021400

analog 021400
(excerpt from anagram on ana2.com containing with it 62 pictures that go along with this text)

i still have a cold , but i'm a lot better. i gave it 2 jason, too. yesterday we both just laid in bed and watched tv. my house is a freaking disastrous mess which i'm trying 2 slightly clean. so....i'm not in the mood 2 type much yet..even tho i have a lot 2 say!

ok, i REALLY need your help now, K?
i don't know if i can beat david letterman's website but we can TRY, right? :)))
so go here and vote for my site PLEASE!!!!!!!!
tell everyone u know!
forward this to everywhere!
i swear if i win i will do THEE cooest thing on the cam EVER for u!!!
i don't know what that will be, but TRUST me! :)

i am watching "who wants to marry a millionaire"
what a fuct thing that is. in case u don't know what it is..it's a game show where a bunch of women are selected to try to win a marriage to a multimillionaire. whoever wins at the end gets to marry him, without ever having met him. u don't even get 2 see this guy. really fucking sick. nice message to put out. women can be bought, and nothing matters about a man except his money. gross. still, here i am watching it because i just can't believe it.
here is part of an email i wrote:
it's 6:30am and i've been up all night making little valentine surprises for jason...leaving little hearts with messages in his computer and in his coat pocket and in his wallet and in his jeans, and i even boiled him egs for breakfast then wrote messages to him on the shells and stuck them in the fridge! and i wrote him a love message in HTML with lipstick on the bathroom mirror and wrote " i love u jason" with my lite brite and stuck it in the bathroom so when he gets up he'll see it :) and i left him a message in notepad on his desktop i didn't know lite brites were so hard 2 do! gack! u cannot make werdz with that thing! it looks like a two year old made it! :) then when he gets him i'm gonna take him out 2 dinner..if i can find a cool place! i forgot 2 make reservations! and i got bought him 3 hour long massages at this cool spa! he has done some really cool expensive things for me on previous valentines and stuff, so i owe him one! i'm usually so terrible at doing anything cool for anyone on a day that i'm supposed to do anything cool! so..i'm trying to be better! i like doing cool stuff for people when they least expect it on unimportant days best :) jason got me this cool thing u thing that holds melted paraffin..then u dip your hands and feet into the paraffin and it relaxes u :) it feels REALLY freaky and cool,and it looks spooky! i'm gonna take some pix with it with my cam sometime! and dip things into the wax and take strange drippy pix :)
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there is so much more i have 2 say, but i'm too tired 2 type it. still not fully recovered from my cold, i think. i still have 2 get all the new anapix up! but i might just do that tomorrow.

i got 2 hear an mp3 of the cam clan panel today i was on. god, what a freak i was.here is what i wrote roy, from hearme.com, about it:
GOD, i feel kind of WORSE about how i talked now that i heard it! my voice was REALLY nervous, i didn't even sound like myself! i don't like the sound of my voice anyway..but my voice that night was particularily shaky and whiny sounding or something. also, i sure did repeat myself on some things! and just...had a very hard and long time reading that thing on my computer because i was SO nervous! i am kind of surprised that people came up to me and said they loved my speech so much, because it was very warbly and rambling and i was pretty much hard to follow a lot of the times because my brain was just exploding! well, i have a lot to learn from that, so i thank u for letting me hear that so i can become a better speaker, because i have a ways to go before i'm at all good! i'm going to be on a panel about webcams at south by southwest in march so it was good to hear what i said and how i said it so i can greatly improve my speaking skills! yikes! i thought jennifer was the most eloquent and classy :) *sigh* but i am what i am...jennifer tilly on speed or something! man oh man ha! live and learn! i will definitely learn from this! i'm just glad that people liked what i said so much , anyway :)
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i am debating whether or not 2 put the mp3 up for u all 2 hear...because i am quite embarrassed by it. maybe tomorrow when i'm feeling better i'll post a link 2 it. right now i don't have the guts!
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and to all the new people who joined because jennifer linked to me, hi! i wish i felt more "with it" to say to u all properly! i hope u will come and post in the ana2 forum and say hi to all the incredible people in there! wow..i would say so much more but i just was watching the end of the who wants to marry a multimillionaire show and it was SO FREAKY!!! i just don't know WHAT 2 think!

so hello hello hello! i shall write more later! soon i'll be better! and my mind has also been on this south by southwest thing i'm going to be on a panel there, too about webcams! so...so much! brain...full...puppies running around my livingroom like crazy! jason is applying to try to get into to this master's programme and he is writing essays and it's been really nuts around here!

hey, and i was just reading my email and it looks like jennifer will perhaps be going to the south by southwest thing, too! yay! i told her about it today, she thought i was going there because of my music, she didn't know there was a panel about cams! so i said, you should go too! so i really hope she will go 'cause she will make me feel so much better and we can go exploring austin texas together! :)

p.s. in other news i have a cold. just a cold. hot cold nose hurts blarg. pretty boring really, so the next email will be more substantial :)

Posted by ANA on February 10, 2000 at 14:59:17:
In Reply to: brian? posted by zuul on February 10, 2000 at 14:26:53:

i think your anger with oprah is really your anger with yourself.
if u are comfortable with your no purpose theory..then really what does it MATTER 2 u what oprah thinks?
if there is no purpose, then getting mad at oprah is also without purpose.

i just don't see why you are so riled up about oprah if u are CONVINCED there is no purpose

she can't possibly hurt u. she doesn't even know u.
u don't know her. she really doesn't even effect your life...unless u choose to watch her show and choose what reaction u will have 2 her show.

she even admits later on that some of her guests she didn't agree with. she evolves and thinks and questions just as we do. but she does it on tv on her show. i'm sure she doesn't think she has "the answer" she is questioning and wondering like we are

anyway..none of this matters is nothing has a purpose. just let go of it. nothing has a purpose. so just go BE.

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Posted by ANA on February 10, 2000 at 15:25:20:
In Reply to: sorry ana posted by zuul on February 10, 2000 at 15:13:28:

so i watch oprah, i don't agree with everything she says like she's the pope! :)
do u think i would walk off a bridge if she told me to?
who else do u know personally in your life who watches oprah?
do u think that they would jump off a bridge if oprah said so?
where are u getting these generalizations?
isn't that kind of like prejidice?

it's not wrong for u 2 spout off here, u are welcome 2 do it as long as u do it in a non harning way. i don't see that anything u said was harmful...u are just angry..and expreessing it. u have a lot of rage on u. rightly so.

i am wondering what u think "purpose" is?
how do u define it?
do uy feel purpose means sucess?
do u think success means money?

another question:
what do u LOVE 2 do more than anything in the whole world?
what is that thing u do that when u do it/be it...there is no time...there is just joy

i think that when people see the word "purpose" they think of a big grandoise PLAN, like "i will feed the hungry, save the children , save the whales, be the next president, write an inspiring book, be a minister"

what if your purpose is different each day? each second? what if your purpose is to love your dog or cat? to notice the rain as it drips down your windowsill. to be a good listener. to just APPRECIATE the small things.

so u think the universe only wants everyone to notice the sun and the moon and the ocean and the desert?

if it did..why then is is so detailed?
why not appreciate the cracks in the sidewalk?
why not by your neighbour a flower and put it on their doorstep for NO reason and not even tell them?
maybe it's about smiling at that poor sales person behind the counter, or not killing the mouse in your house.
you define your purpose. no one else.
i don't think i have ONE BIG PURPOSE

sometimes my purpose is just to pet pooka on the head :)and u think that is a small thing?
it's not. it's everything to him within that moment, and it's everything to ME within that moment

that is all
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Posted by ANA on February 10, 2000 at 15:48:42:
In Reply to: oops!!! posted by Dev on February 10, 2000 at 15:31:58:

hehe :) thank u! :)
i guess that was my "purpose" at that moment...not 2 say it to YOU, but 2 say it 2 ME :)
i needed 2 remind myself.
thank u zuul for helping me remind myself..
perhaps that was your purpose for THAT second :)

who knows? :)
i think i'll have another cider! and pet my pupsters sum more!
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Posted by ANA on February 11, 2000 at 10:23:42:
In Reply to: My earlier stripper question... posted by melody on February 10, 2000 at 18:54:45:

wow! strange twist of events that my songs were now stripped to :) whenever i'd strip to songs, i'd always wonder if the person who wrote it EVER thought that's become a song that strippers would use to strip by!

i think u should tell your boyfriend RIGHT away..because the more u put it off, the more he isn't going 2 believe u that u are also hiding something else from him. all trust will go right out the window. he might break up with ubecause u hid it from him, not because of your new job.

then again, u have 2 ask yourself what kind of relationship u have with him if u FEAR 2 tell him.
not a good sign.

and if he leaves u because of what u choose 2 do..then you're better off without him. because he doesn't own your body.

i wish i could play u the song called "exhibitionist" that i wrote that is on my album "spool forka dish" it pretty much sums it up.

oh god have mercy god forbid that i should own my body and live as though i did
he called me the exhibitionist
he said what's mine is his
he called me the exhibitionist
and that's sick that's sick that's sick
god have mercy
send me to a shrink
'cause i adorn my body
despite what men think
he called me an exhibitionist
an attention seeking shame
he said i was a disrespect to him
and my freedom caused him pain

this part:
"he called me an exhibitionist
an attention seeking shame
he said i was a disrespect to him
and my freedom caused him pain"

is almost word for word what he said to me
i can still see his lips moving and his frown when i type it.

anyway...it's a MUCH more powerful song to actually hear than to just take the lyrics out of and read.
and it's like showing u notes of music on paper and not even humming it to u

"you can't tell me how and where to shine...i'll dance in the broken room naked as a wind in bloom"

and then on my album before that i have a song called "tuesday" that is about how i felt towards stripping when it had reeally drained me.
when i was a stripper, my fake name was "tuesday" , which i'd NEVER choose again. 'cause every fucking five minutes some guy would say , " hey, but it's thursday! har har guffaw" or if it WAS tuesday i'd hear, " hey, looks like u came on the right day! snort guffaw drool "

maybe someone with the cake and eat it cd will type out the lyrics to "tuesday" for ya
i just wish u could hear the songs!

i dreamt that i was going out with this old boyfriend, it was like all my old boyfriends put together..so i had to break up with him
and find a new place to live, i was living in a place that was a combination of all the places i've lived with nightmare roomates.
i didn't know where to move where i could put my piano.
and then i went and had to kill these 2 people that looked like they were out of a japanese future movie. the were dressed like futuristic samuri and i had 2 kill them or else they'd kill me.
and i killed them with big swords, sliced them then put the sword through their hearts.
and buried them in the sand by the sea

and tried to get back to my house i had to move out of without anyone noticing i had been gone because i didn't want to get caught for murder on top of everything else.
then i crawled to this highway through these thorny bushes. i wanted to get to the side of this highway that was on the other side of the bushes and i knew it was sunny there and i wanted to just sit and feel peaceful and watch the cars go buy.

but 2 policeman pull over, (and one of the policeman is buddha!) when they see me because they see i look like a hippy person and my hello kitty purse looks like it was made in india.
they say.."we have to search your purse maam"
and i'm acting all cool and collected like "sure go ahead..i've nothing to hide!"
but inside they find a baggy full of pot
and they bust me and stick me in the back of their car to take me downtown and put me in jail.

and i'm like crying in the back seat hoping to gain some sympathy so they will let me go, and i'm also crying for real 'cause it's been beyond a shitty day

i cry and cry and tell them of my horrible day saying my boyfriend and i broke up (although it was me who broke up with him )
and my friends died! ( the people i killed )
and i have no home! ( 'cause my roommates suck and i have to move)
and now u are busting me for pot that isnt even mine (well, i had FORGOTTEN it was in there! )
and i cried and cried
but they just told me to shut up and had no sympathy.
hmmm.

here's a bedtime story i made up on the spot ( as u can tell ) and told 2 the people in #analove my chatroom:

once upon a time..
there was a girl
who took too big of a xanax
so she fell asleep quite contentedly
in the middle of her big interview
so they carried her out
in a rolled up piece of moss green silk velevet
and put her in the middle of the room
where the goldfish were
and arranged her hair into geometrical fashions
and took pictures
someone else did the interview for her
no one knew who it was
but it didn't matter
they just wanted a sound bite
in the end, the saved only one quote
taken out of context
it said, " there u have it"
no one knew what that meant
but it seemed to sum the article up
in a semi vague way
which is always best for that particular demographic
7 days later the girl awoke
feeling very grooggy
and put her in the middle of the room
where the goldfish were
and arranged her hair into geometrical fashions
and took pictures
she went on search of a sugary carbonated beverage
but ran into a glitter girl head first instead
just before she could explain the word "k-laaaa"
blonk
both of them were dead from the collision
since there is no time on "the other side"
they got to read the fake interview a month early
and they decided it was so bad
they haunted the interviewer forever
arranging his furniture
into geometric patterns
very much resembling the pictures
they had taken of her hair
and this gave them a good laugh
and it was good
so there u have it.

i'm not bashing christians :) even my dad, the lutheran minister laughed when i said that! :)
i know A LOT about christianity...i was raised in a family where my dad is a lutheran minister.
i was babtized, i took confirmation, even my stepdad is a lutheran minister!
i know a lot believe me! :)
i think the essence of christianity is a very beautiful thing. very kind.
i think jesus was an exceptional beautiful person who was the son of god.

just the whole dying on the cross thing makes no sense to me whatsoever!
i'm not saying that YOU are a silly person if u are a christian!
i do not think my dad is silly, nor my mother nor my stepdad, nor many of my dearest friends

i am just saying that *i* think the dying on the cross part makes absolutely no sense to ME.
that's just my personal opinion on that particular aspect of the bible
not christianity on the whole...although i agree that that one part is a very BIG part in christianity.

i just like the part where jesus says so unto others as u would have done unto u
i also like how he said let he who is without sin cast the first stone
and i dig that he hung out with prostitutes as much as his disciples :)

so i did get some very good stuff out of christianity and i got some very good things out a few other religions as well :)

hi :) yes, it's me, the girl with the weird hair :) i want to give u a free years membership to my most wondrous website ( i am proud of it very much! )
so read on...
man, this sounds terrible to say..but i do not remember if i met u or paul for that brief second somewhere in the midst of everything!
ok, maybe i met u both! i have the WORST memory about meeting people especially when i get caught in a big whirlwind of so many people!
i just want to write 2 u and tell u HOW much i sincerely appreciate that u spent SO much friggin money on getting me down there and then in such a nice hotel and that free bottle of wine was THEE coolest touch! weee :) JUST the thing i needed when i got off that very stuffy airplane! i just sipped it in th e bathtub the first thing! oh yessss :)))
SO..thank thank u! and all the cool little things! the zippery briefcase thing! ya! god, i SO much am SO sad that i did not make it down to the dinner on the first night. AUGH. that was one of the things i was most looking forward too! i am so sorry! my friend that came with jennifer of jennicam got quite ill and we took care of her :(
oh blarg. ( blarg is my new word..i think it is a good word for many things! )
anyway..i could go on and on...here is an email i sent to bob, roy, and rhonda of your company and also to bruce of logitech:

ack, i want to write u all a different personal email, but i think i'm coming down with a cold and i have to run to the store and get some echinacea and zinc lozenges. it's snowing out these HUGE beautiful flakes right now!

i just cannot tell u how grateful i am for all the work u put in to make my stay so wonderful!

man, i wish i remembered what i said when i was talking on my panel!
i think i was channelling the divine goddess of comedy :)
is there a tape or transcipt or anything of any of the speeches?
i would LOVE LOVE LOVE any transcripts of any of the speeches i could have!
or any video tape or audio tape of them!
'cause i missed quite a few because i was so engaged in conversation with jennifer from jennicam and charity and erik!

i had such a fantastic time..the generosity was overwhelming!
everyone went way beyond the call of duty! and i felt so comfortable and appreciated!

i would like to return the generosity , in part, by giving u a full free year to my members site of anacam, ana2.com :)
( and i know u paid for 2 months...so yours is a year plus two more months..gadz...i wonder where we both will be at in our lives in a year and two months?)

u can see a huge archive of the photos i've taken in archive-arcana
and i am very proud of my anagrams, which are my visual/written almost daily diaries :)
u can see my trip to shout2000 in anagram 020200

i will also send u a thank u note/gift by snail mail..but that might take awhile 'cause i'm the worst about getting stuff off in the regular mail!

i love my little zipper briefcase thing, and i love my HUGE gigantic megaphone!
my little dogs freak out when i talk through it!
go see a picture of it here of me and the megaphone and the dogs :)