analog 020200
( excerpt from anagram on ana2.com
containing within it 82 pictures and 2 avis that go along with this text )

when i first arrived, my room wasn't ready, so i stayed in jennifer and jodi's ( her accountant and best friend and angel ) room for a few hours. jennifer showed me her beautiful macintosh laptop which is far prettier than my clunky grey pc!

finally i got into my room. a very nice room with a huge king sized bed! and a few minutes later room service came with a big bottle of yummy merlot and and a loaf of fresh french bread with butter and strawberry jam! and it was sent in, compliments of hearme.com! they were so incredibly generous it was unreal! mmmm, i was SO happy to have wine! i really have to send hearme.com a thank u present!

so i drank my yummy wine and chatted a bit in my chat channel...unwinding from the crowded four hour flight i had. i ahd gotten up at 6:30am to get on it and i had a window seat but it was so crowded and the old couple next to me slept the whole time with their mouths open and had terrible breath! uck.

<pictures of me in the bathtub >
this is almost all i need to make me happy! bathtubs and wine! :)

i listened to daniel ash really loud with m walkman as i got ready to go back to jennifer's room. then i wanted to get out and see some of the speakers. it was noon and it had started at 11am, i think. but i never did make it to see any speakers because of that free wine and because jodi got sick so jennifer and i were taking care of her.! when i made it over to jennifer's and jodi's room , courtney arrived too with her friend mikey and we just had the very coolest best most open hearted spiritual fun fantastic bonding discussions! no words can explain. but we really bonded!!! and then way later ( i have no idea what time any of this happened ) charity came over with chris! and i was so well drunkified by then that i was just like "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii"

it was freaky to see chris ( cpr ), 'cause he has been a fan of my cam from day one! he started the very first anacam archive which u can still see in my link's section! we found each other 'cause we used to hang out at five eyes ( www.iiiii.com ), the very first peep community. that's where it ALL began! it was such a tiny community then, and the nose from www.homecams.com hang out there, too. he didn't have homecams.com then, there were only about 10 camgirls and that was it. and we'd sit up late at night in the "spin cycle" chat...a chatroom where u had to refresh the page to see what everyone was saying. the nose ( george ) actually put together anacam's first PC and sent it to me in the mail. now the nose works on amateurcams.com
so much has changed..i could go on about it for houts, and already i've been working on this anagram for 8 hours so i can't type it all out! oh my..i need to go sit on the couch and vedge!

charity was so kind as to save my life by applying my make up for me before the zdtv interview we all had, plus the panel we are on. i was feeling so insecure because of my bad skin, and charity helped me out so much on that! so it saved my whole day! she is so very kind!

when charity was putting on my make up,it was cold in her room so she let me wear her GIGANTIC fake fur coat!

then we ( charity, erik vidal, and i ) were lead to the place where zdtv would interview us. i thought they were going to interview all of us together. but they wanted 2 interview is all separately, so i was bummed at that. plus i was first! augh. AND to top it all off, i had taken a xanax in the morning to help me calm my nerves for the days events. the problem was is that my xanax are 0.25 mg and a friend had given me a 2.0 xanax that was mixed in with all of mine. as fate would have it is a blindly grabbed a xanax from my bottle and swallowed it, in about 20 minutes it became very apparent to me that i had accidentally taken the 2.0, which is like 8 times stronger than what i take! OH MY GOD! what a DISASTER! i was seriously SO freaking out of it..i could have just laid on the carpet anywhere and fallen asleep! it was VERY hard to stay awake...it was like being put under for surgery! so i had 4 cups of coffee to try to combat this. i kept almost slapping my face and using all my willpower to snap out of it, but to no avail...the world was slipping away down a long tube. blip. so i was just FEARFUL of this interview! how on EARTH would i make it through? i felt it was obvious to everyone around me what a luded out girl i was..i don't know if it was apparent or not...but just to make sure i ended up telling the girl who was going to interview me my predicament! she SEEMED ok with that..but i'm sure underneath she thought i was a complete freak...especially cause of my weird hair and all! so i don't remember what questions she asked me or what i replied. i have NO idea how i came across. all i know is that she did ask me the question of how my cam has effected my music careeer. which is a VERY VERY VERY lonnnnnnnggg and involved story that would take me an HOUR to describe. and this one i would try to explain but just kept having to say, " no wait..let me start over..." so she finally just said aggravatedly "ok, lets just skip that question!" god, i felt REALLY bizarre and uncomfortable! then charity went on and i asked if i could stay and watch and they said yes, and i watched her answer every question with such clarity, ease, and grace! god, i wanted to do mine over! plus she had asked charity some questions that she didn't ask me and i wished i had been asked some of those questions cause they were interesting! and then i got to stay and watch erik's interview, too..which he handled extremely well, too! and he had gotten asked even cooler questions! and FINALLY i was starting to come of of my xanax world and things were becoming clearer. so i BEGGED this woman to PLEASE let me do my interview over! but she just seemed very irritated at me because i was talking a mile a minute. and she pretty much physically pushed me through the door and got me out of there. i know they just thought i was a druggy freak! oh well. what can u do? life is weird :) *sigh*

i might be missing some things we did in here, because when i get nervous..things kind of blur all together for me. but i think after our interviews we went to a private little conference room and the moderator of our panel went over our questions with us and we prepared. well, i was just nervous as hell still ( surprise surprise! ) and jodi, bless her dear dear angel heart, went and fetched me a bottle of wine! hahah! oh my god..loop de loop! ( but hey, it WORKS! ) i don't remember anything the moderator said in that room. i was just trying to get my cam set up and connected and drink wine and jodi massaged my feet because i was such a nervous wreck! the moderator works for logitech so, before we met in person i talked to him a lot on the phone about logitechs products and how i think they could be drastically improved! i will call him again. because i am a good tester of products because i really push them to theit limits! he is a very amiable person, and i look forward to talking to him more in the future and he gave is some logitech products that i will test out.

jennifer look incredibly gorgeous. i mean drop dead gorgeous!she wore this perfectly tailored skirt and jacket that agent scully would have been droolling to wear! she wanted to make sure to give the distinct impression that her site was not a trashy oorn site, and her look certainly stated that! man, i wish i had an outfit like that! but then i still would look goofy because of my hair.

then we were walked out into the big room. i don't know how many people were in there. 100? i am so bad at guessing crowd numbers. but it did look very serious and professional. there was a stage that was long and skinny with chairs on in a row for all of us, and bottles of evian. and the signature objects of this conference...big megaphones that say "hear me" on them. i have a very big one being sent my my house! i am going to talk to the dogs through it and confuse them :) then there was a podium that was for each of us to take our turns talking at. and we could have our laptops with us and show people our sites..they had some thing where u could project the pictures on the screen. i had, beforehand, sent then 10 jpgs from my archive to show. it was hard to choose which ones to pick, since i can't explain my site in 10 pictures. everyone seemed so cool and collected. i sat next to jennifer 'cause she was my guardian of calmness for me.i had my laptop on my lap and was transmitting pictures live ( as u can see from these pictures ) and i had the email that i had sent charity and jennifer and jodi and courtney about my feelings of what i wanted to convey at this panel. i thought the best way to convey it was just to read that email. we were all supposed to have 5 minutes to go to the poium and tell everyone a bit about our sites, them go back to our seats and be asked questions from the moderator and then from the audience.

so, charity was first to do her thing. and she did a perfect job! if she ever was nervous, it certainly didn't seem so! then it was erik's turn..who looked positively swanky in his black minimilistic modern understated tailored suit! and he did a fantastic job, too. i was so proud of everyone! each one of us was truly getting our ideas across very clearly! and showing the individuality of our sites! no, wait...erik was first then charity was second! then i was third. first of all, i was SO nervous that i could NOT get up to the podium, i said i'd just talk from my seat! here is what charity said in her journal about how i started off my introduction, which i DO NOT remember,"

"Ana was after me and she really was so cute. She really broke the ice and got the whole thing loosened up. She said, shit, fuck, masturbate, erotica, and money greedy pigs all in the same sentence. Of course it right away got everyone to lighten up and after that it was the easiest most natural thing to talk about. Everyone felt in their element and the crowd was laughing and enjoying the whole thing after 2 days of very serious panel discussions. The Vice President of the company said that we were the big hit of the entire show and he right away asked us back for next year. "

woa, i said THAT? LOL :)well, i do remember just rambling what ever came into my head..i know how i am :) and they were showing the slides of my campix above my head. i finally noticed this and saw the picture i had made of my poor dead goldfish that said on it "it's all my fault" then i started in with reading the thing i had written beforehand, which i'll put it here again. i wasn't reading it very well because of my nerves, but i know that my point was coming across because everyone was laughing and clapping through it in the best way! and at the and several people told me that my speech was the best one of the whole conference because it was so real and warm! so i went home feeling really happy, REALLY happy, because i had really bared my soul and people GOT IT. it was such a cool thing to connect to an audience like that. it was a special magical moment for me! i will always treasure it. and i remember the moderator trying to stop me..and i kept saying "wait, i'm almost done , hold on!" hehe. and he did this about three times i think, but when i'm on a roll, i just cannot be stopped!

here was my speech ( besides my intro where i say shit, fuck, masturbate, erotic and greedy pigs all in one sentence..which i do not recall! )

that WE are the ones that bring people closer together on the net, we are the ones that bring it warmth and character and make people think and feel less lonely or alienated. to put it arrogantly, i think we are the "soul" of the internet. we are reliant on technology to make this happen in the way it does...but no amount of technology can replace what we have to offer. no amount of technology could subsitute for what we have to offer as caring human beings no amount of business savvy or money or "know how" can get u what we have to offer which is simple basic "care", for one u can put all the streaming and chatsoftware and "interactivity" into a website u want...but that can never "make" people feel "at home" and comfortable to speak their minds and feel moved to share their souls with others what we offer, i feel, is a "safe" haven for people to communicate with each other. a place where like-minded souls can come together if there isn't the warmth there in the first place, a "home" we have each individually created...then there is nothing i believe this is what the world needs and wants more than anything...and that is why i feel, the internet is well suited for women to make their voices and hearts be known more than ever. since we , on the whole, are experts on providing a warm nurturing environment...and on the internet, we cannot be silenced in this day and age of furthering alienation....in their own homes, their jobs, their countries... the web brings together communities that otherwise would have never existed, communities that need to exist, as we need love to survive. and we help to make this so. the web is a sticky complex womblike structure, and therefore, i feel , inately "female" ...not based upon any particular hierarchy it is not just a one way "information superhighway" let's not allow the questioners at this panel to get away with trying to reduce is down to a "sexy racy soundbite" u know as well as i do that there will be mostly men at this conference, and when they see us up there on that panel, many will want to reduce is down to our nudity. many will not have open minds. i am just going from my experience this far..i'm sure u would agree u have had the same experience. and this is not about how technology will bring about faster racier sexier stuff for people to gawk at and masturbate to. i mean , the place that is sponsoring this event is called HEAR ME. so let us be heard. it's about communication, not technology if we don't have ,firstly, a home we feel safe to technology in the world isn't going to help anything or really even be remotely interesting! ok, that's all i have 2 say for now :)

i reached out my hand to jennifer when we were sitting up there on the panel and she held my hand for a long time! i just needed her to hold my hand 'cause she calms me :)

and i also wanted to show that we are not a bunch of competive women trying to "one up" each other with our cams! that's not what it's about. i wanted that to be abundantly clear! i think this will be one of my favourite pictures that my cam will ever take. it really was so special, i cannot stress that enough! :))

and jennifer's speech was SO perfect. i was SO classy and succinct! as much as i ramble...she can get what she needs to with as little words as possible. a gift i wish i had! i wish i could remember what she said , but it was SO right on! and when that was the thing that wrapped up the panel..i felt we all had really communicated some very powerful things! i wish i had a transcript of it! oh how i wish!!

then after the panel, we went to this dinner that was in a museum about airplanes!lots of airplanes with spooky male mannequins in the drivers seat! i think i was pretty blitzed at this time! and i slumped against a wall in contentment till someone gave me a chair. there were lots of people all around me, but i don't know who they all were. but i do remember that it was really fun and they were all kind and i was super super happy. then a buffet opened up and i got in line to get some food, and it was really strange food that i didn't recognize, but i chose two things and i stilll don't know what it was it, but it was good! then i think jodi said..hey let's go...so we did and then i think i just fell asleep in jennifer and jodi's room! until i woke up at 6am and then quietly moved to my room. gosh, i wish i could remember stuff better! i have this thing that when i am extremely nervous and have had alcohol, everything blurs. i mean i REMEMBER everything that happened i just don't remember the details of everything! all i know is that i was super happy and everyone around me seemed very happy too! there is erik laying in the bed as we are all zonked out. i went into his chatroom yesterday and he told me that he told us all to NOT zonk out before he got there! but i guess we did! SORRY ERIK! :(

this is the next day, right before we left. we are all packed and ready to leave. that's jodi laying on jennifer's butt :)
i went home because i had things to attend to, and jennifer, jodi and courtney went off for a few more days of fun at courtney's house!

i know i'm leaving lots out. it's just impossible to write it all down! so much! so go read charity's journal to get her side, and courtney's and jennifer's..and hopefully, if they all put journal entries up about this...everything will get sorted and said!
and now i must get start working on part 4, which is the pictures from the airplane ride home!

oh, and i'm sad i didn't get to see jerry springer's speech! but it was at 8am! and i could NOT get up!