it's 6pm and my washing machine is making a great whirring noise and filling my house with much needed humidity. i've had a headache all day so i'm jacked on excedrin. the caffeine in that stuff makes me crazy. i've been trying 2 get things organized all day. but mostly i could only get some of my computer organized.
things that are making me nervous:
1)
taxes. i need 2 get all my receipts in order and all that fun stuff
2) hereandnow.net is gonna send me three computers and a cam with a microphone
built on on a very long cord soon. i am nervous about that and getting it
set up and nervous about supplying interesting "content" without
driving jason crazy!
3) the conference coming up. packing. my skin is breaking out. i am nervous
about being nervous there. i am nervous about being ungraceful or freaky.
i don't want to get overstimulated.
4) various things i need to call and get done. the piano place to tune the
piano. bobby z to find out how he's been. the accountant to get 1099's. the
merchant account guy 'cause he's a fuckhead and is not on top of things.
5) i need to get all my addresses in order. i have addresses written all over
in 5 email accounts and on pieces of paper. i need to organize which ones
are ana2 members and which ones are not to set up a permanent list and a not
permanent list so i am not sending off too many envelopes 'cause i cannot
afford that. and then tons of details on that too boring to get into ( i'm
writing this list off mostly for myself to get my brain organized )
6) hand wash the big pile of vintage clothes that the dogs peed on. grrrrrr.
7) read the book eric ( www.planetconcrete.com
) sent me that he wrote and the one jason gave to me ( the first chronicles
of amber )
8) i know there is an 8th thing
9) i am almost out of xanax and my doctor doesn't come back until monday and
i hope he can refill it by phone or i am so screwed.
10) balancing my two checkbooks. augh.
11) some relationships
with people are a bit off kilter lately and it's stressing me out. people
wanting more out of me than i can give. different expectations on what a friend
is. trying 2 juggle all of that and explain everything
12) adding and deleting people from my mailing list. lots gets bounced back
to me
13) my email is in disarray. so many people to reply to . it all needs to
be sorted. i'm paranoid people will get mad at me and feel bad.
14) sxsw conference in march. all that needs to get sorted out. some forms
i have to fill out and i am i paying for that or are they?
15) bills need to be paid
16) packing packing packing. what am i going to wear
17) my head hurts i just want to lay down and watch cartoons. argh.
here is great place
online about "a place where people from all around the world could freely
exchange and research information regarding visionary plants, fungi, and chemicals.
"
http://www.lycaeum.org/
i will look for a place
astro site that u would like..but the more i look the more it looks like THAT
might actually be hard 2 find...one that could give u indepth horoscopes...since
each person's chart is such and individual complex thing, as u know...
i think your best bet would be to find a good astrologer that is online..and
have them email u your own individual "forecast" based upon your
chart.
hmm, for the heck of
it, i went to:
http:/www.astrology.com
and clicked on the forcast of the day for "aries"
and it said
"An aggressive attitude threatens the good will that you frequently enjoy.
You don't have to experience something to decide that it's a bad idea. "
which IS very much what i have been experiencing lately! but that is as involved as it got.
have u ever delved into numerology? THAT is very interesting. i have a phobia about math, but whe i found out about numerology, it really opened up a whole new world to me. have u seen the movie called "pi"?
here is snow...7 degrees farenheit. brrr.
did u ever see the
corn palace in south dakota? it's an entire "place" made from cornseeds!
it's really pretty amazing!
now i am hungry for corn on the cob with lots of butter. nummmmm.
i'm listening 2 the
band called "james"...they sound a lot like u2..at least on the
cd called "wah wah" they do.
have u ever met U2?
so many people dislike them..just because they are "big" , i think.
it frustrates me 2 try 2 get my friends 2 listen 2 things i like that are
big...there is just as much "good and bad" stuff on both sides of
the indie /major label wall thang.
i read the bio on U2
called " at the end of the world" ..or something..i don't think
i have that name quite right. :/
it was freaky 2 read 'cause my old band of 11 years, The Blue Up? ( ya, i
came up with that name when i was 16 and everything was MOD)
was SO much like u2 in the way we are such good friends and we dealt with
things similarily. it sounds crazy 2 most people when i say that..
i guess 'cause not many have had that same experience, but carolyn and i read
that bio and we were like, ohmigod, u2 are like us! :)
so i have my simpatico in carolyn so i know i'm not crazy :)
and i got together with renee, the drummer, the other day. we talked for 15 hours and drank cheap champagne. we had so much fun! i miss them so much..hanging out with them. i mean, i saw them 3 times a week for practice for 11 years! they are my sisters!
have u ever heard the slits or the raincoats? they are punk-type all girl bands from england in the 70's. sooooo wonderrrrful they are!
so what kinds of things
do u fixate on?
what certain ideas?
do u know about annie
sprinkle? if u don't i HAVE 2 show u her...my GOD is she one of the COOLEST
most POSITIVE people on the planet!
she really has changed my life. i lurve her :)
she calls herself a "pleasure activist"
and what that means is she sees it as her duty to have the most pleasure to
add to the "pleasure grid" of the planet for people 2 tap into.
like whe u hear about war, instead of getting really depressed and angry and
feeling hopeless....she goes off and has pleasure..because 2 add more anger
and depression 2 the planet really won't do that war any good.
i don't know if i'm explaining that very well
anyway...she is very "goddess religion-esque"..very "sex-magicky"
she does these public masturbation rituals that are sooo intense. i wish i
had the energy to type in what the book says about them. maybe later i will,
'cause it's so friggin cool! and i have had a similiar idea where i wanted
2 go on tour and use my voice as a way of clearing paths and energy for people
that would want that sort of experience. using sound energy and intent....
hard 2 explain. i feel it in my body what i want 2 say..but can't quite put
it into werdz yet.
anyway..so ya, i know
about fixating on certain ideas that bring about a rise in me. i do that quite
a lot.
i delve so deeply into things that i have a fear of so that i can not fear
it anymore..that i can get really exhausted sometimes
i hope i can be somewhat linear in this..but i doubt it...i'll start here:
( oh, i just picked up my little "smoosher-beast" pooka dog and put him on my lap! so warm :)
ok...
i saw this bill moyers special on "alternative healing" a few years
ago. there was this old man tai chi chi guy who had the power of "the
force" in him...just like Star Wars :) he had his hand out and 30 very
physically fit men were pushing on his hand tryng 2 tip him over! but he was
the one who tipped them all over without budging an inch and what looked like
no effort on his part. he said he just used their force back at them..so it
required no effort on his part. he just mirrored back.
now i had always "felt" that this was something that was possible..but
i had never seen it really in action before..so whe i saw this on tv, i cried,
because i finally saw that it WAS possible 2 do this!
and as i was talking 2 renee the other day, she said there are many types
of feng shui..one is called "black sect" wich deals with moving
through neighbourhoods and feeling the energy of places and moving through
it. i think this might be very simliiar 2 what u do...."listening 2 the
land"
so i was interested 2 see if u had any experience in moving through physical
places and deflecting/mirroring energy and moving through it...like the tai
chi guy.
because i see that u can work with a lot of different kinds of energy and
all that stuff.
i have 2 find that tape of that bill moyers special. i have 2 see it again...to see that old tai chi guy.
u would really love renee, she is such an amazing person! my sister/tribe they are!
so...after having so
much violence "happened at me", and then after seeing the tai chi
guy...i am convinced i CAN someday learn 2 just deflect people's energy back
at them atht might try 2 hurt me. 'cause i am NOT gonna go through this life
with this feeling of being hunted for the rest of life. no way.
well ,it's not a FEELING of being hunted, it IS that i'm hunted. and fuck
that shit!
even if i don't attain the knowledge to deflect energy in this life...i will
keep trying!
either that or i'll
come to peace that i could die a horrible violent death at any moment...and
just be calm with that idea!
one way or the other, i want some peace from feeling hunted
i need to "reclaim my space" , so to speak. i have been so invaded upon! i'm sure u know all about that!
man, i have a yucky
headache today..and i think this james cd has played 3 times as i've been
writing this!
so i have to change the cd, it's driving me nuts!
ok, i put in moby now. i don't really like his techno stuff, but i really like his "animal rights" album
well, i hope i have
not overstimulated u with these thoughts/ideas i have. just put these on the
back burner for now or maybe go fling them with the delete button!
i really have a paranoia about overwhelming u! because i know u must be overwhelmed/overstimulated
a lot...but maybe that is just my projection upon u, because *I* am overstimulated
a lot and overwhelmed a lot! but it's my own fault a lot for throwing myself
into intense situations! not always my fault, but lots of times it is.
i guess what i'm referring to is people who have no sense of boundries and
just come railing on in demanding stuff from me.
or people have no awareness of their surroundings..just plummetting through
my gardens trashing stuff.
oblivious, i think is the word.
i want u 2 know i am not oblivious. well i think that is blaringly obvious! and i trust that by now u know what to do with intense stuff u can't deal with!
i just want 2 say all
of these things 2 u , and i like 2 be really clear about my gliche weird twitchiness.
i hate 2 be misunderstood.
ok, i'll stop there on that..because i have the tendency to over say things....in an attempt at being perfectly clear!
i promise my next email
will be more calm :)
it's really hard 2 convey some of this stuff through email..'cause i want
u 2 hear the sound of my voice and the look in my eyes 2 take the brutal edge
off it.
it's so hard for me
2 take a step back from myself and see how i am coming across. even then,
whatever i do is going 2 be filtered through everyone's individual filters
and be seen and felt differently. frustrating to say the least!
-------
so...in other news...as
if i need 2 be more stimulated...i am going to a conference in silicon valley
on wednesday-thursday.
i am on a panel about webcams. the conference is about communication on the
internet. i've never been to a conference before. i'm sure it's hyper as hell.
what shall i wear? THIS is the important question! :)
hmm, which feather
boa , dahhhlink? ya, i'm sure the biz guys wil LOVE that. ha!
it cracks me up that i have one of the successful sites on the internet and
i'm this "weird wacky little grrl"
and these biz guys will be looking at me like , " whaaaa?"
oh my this moby record
is NOT the right cd for this moment! it's making me feel all edgy!
ack..i need some cocteau twins!
u have 2 like the cocteau twins , right? please tell me u do and have listened
to them!
HEAVEN they are HEAVEN
elizabeth frazer's
voice is my very fave in the world! *sigh swoon*
she is from SPACE. i mean S-P-A-C-E