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[16 Jan 2001|05:04am] [ mood | zippy zippy zap ] if u could make the perfect complilation cassette that u would give 2 the person u have the hugest crush on in the world...what songs woulld u put on it? i am so
tired 5am.now. and last night i got only 5 hours of sleep. i'm gonna
crash. i put up a huge 250 picture anagram on ana2. i got a lot done
today/yesterday btw, i
caught the last half of elizabeth taylor on larry king live last night
and she is such a purring goddess! i wish i had seen the first half.
i wanna be like HER when i'm her age! *meow*!
jason called
me from NYC, and he's doing fine except for the fact that he hasn't
slept bcause there is a water pump near his room so his he said it sounded
like there was a shower going on all night in his bed. they can't give
him a new room because they are overbooked :/
part of
my dream last night [17 Jan 2001|12:35am] the more i clean my house and stretch my body...the more i just ...*ding* tap right on onto the universe/force/chi/god/dess thing again! when i
reach out to the universe and start to unclog myself and ask for universe's
help ...its' RIGHT there for me again! it was never gone. it was just
me who was closed to it. and i knew that. i just didn't know how to
open again. there is no special day to start. angels aren't there to come down and save you your responsibility. it requires YOUR effort to get the process going. if u don't like your life or whatever, u just have to start somewhere, anywhere..right now. ya, right in the middle of u standing in line at 7-11 so it was
just another grey day...i could have spent it watching tv...and there
IS the time and place for that. we all need time to recharge our batteries,
but sometimes we say we are gonna do that..go home..and vedge, but we
don't plug ourselves into the frickin recharger machine. we think something
will come down and pick us out of our sloth and plug it in for us...like
when u are too tired to get out of the bed to pee. anyway, that's where i was. i did need to recharge my batteries, but i went about it in the wrong way. instead of taking the effort to visualize peace or meditate or do something concretely good for me, i'd have a glass of wine. as there months passed the wine increased, which made me foggy to my spirituality. there is nothing wrong with a glass of wine or even a whole bottle once in awhile. but i veering towards a lazy slothful path. i wasn't working to improve my life anymore. i was just trying to get through it any way i could. but sometimes i go to these extremes to get me back on track. i just didn't want to face the fact that it was time for the vacation to end and it was time to go back into a doing stuff phase. i was like laying on the beach with a margarita passed out in the sand. time to get on a plane and fly home and kick my ass. thing is.
everyone is such an individual..each moment is so individual ..that
there are no clear rules about how to go about things in life. this was
a lesson in responsibility for me. and i have begun to face this now.
and when i write about this, you do not know exactly what i am talking
about. because there is a lot in my life u don't see. i don't think
i need to go into detail about it all...or perhaps i just don't want
to, because i am still pretty embarrassed by my behavior. so i did...first
i had to realize it..then as i did , that didn't make me immediately
change...but i didn't beat myself up about it. at least i TRIED not
to. we all make mistakes. so slowly each day i'd try to start anew then
slide back..then start anew then slide back, but each time i get better
at starting anew..till now here i am at ANOTHER time of starting anew.
but this one feels different. anyway...as i get the "unspiritual" things in my life done ( cleaning, bills, exercising, etc ) i am finding that this process has opened me up to my spirituality again. to my core..i have found it again. i always
seem to i have to keep losing myself to find myself again and then get
these insights and go DUH! i already knew that! but each time is not
the same, each time i go about it wiser...like in the movie "groundhog
day" where he keeps having the same day over and over until he
gets it right. it's nice to have the illusion of time being broken up into days so it makes us more aware that every day we can start it anew if we choose. anyway...here is the dream that i now know what it was about...it will probably be of be use to u except here as a curiosity. i include it cause this is my journal, and this is where i document things for myself :) ------- everyone
was beyond shocked and overwhelmed by it. so much that we just stood
there as she shook on the ground and all the people were just covered
in vomit and completely MORE than grossed out. and we were just so in
shock because there was no warning. it was this perfectly nice end to
a day in a park event type atmosphere, and it was fall. leaves on the
ground. we were all standing at a corner ( another good symbol ) i knew
that i most certainly would lose it and throw up if i opened my eyes.so
i was led over there to help her with my eyes still closed. i tried
to pretend that the vomit was just what it WAS, food. i could smell
what she had for lunch out of it sort of..i knew it HAD been something
that was a healthy really yummy meal...i held a corked bottle in my
hand with my eyes closed trying desperately to open it but my hands
were so shaky i couldn't get the bottle open. so her lover, who was
on the verge of fainting...had 2 gather up all her strength and not
faint and get that bottle open. i thought either as i was being taken away in the dream, or right when i awoke from the dream that, " damn, carolyn should had a lot of toxins in her body that she immediately had to get of in a major way!" and i was so worried about her and so shocked. ---- carolyn is the one person i trust most in the world and feel safest with. interesting that i picked her as a par of myself. perhaps the part in me that i trust the most was being poisoned...carolyn, the person i know who would always be there to take care of me in an emergency...is now the one needing immediate care. and couldn't even help myself. i had to keep my eyes closed and had to be led away in confusion. at least i was the one who told people to call 911 on myself as jason took care of me, even tho he was fully on the verge of fainting...he came through and was the one who could deal with the emergency best the throwing up represents that the part of me that i trust the most and the part of me that cares for me had been poisoned. a wake up call. the symbol ofmy inner guide immediately getting rid of poisons in my spirit to save my life standing on the corner during fall is pretty obvious sign of a time of things ending and a time to make decisions about which road to cross. ok, something else just hit me...i say to write down EVERY detail about dreams because the little things are essential. as i was writing that it ocurred to me that i had hesitated in adding that i thought the food she had eaten was something that had been healthy and good ( knowing carolyn cause she is a health worker and profession massage therapist)
that right
there is an essential detail of the dream. carolyn
throwing up healthy food then me not being able to watch that and going
over there with my eyes closed trying to pretend that the vomit wasn't
vomit but that it was actually a healthy soup or something..because
it HAD been a health SOMETHING..i was trying to visualize that to get
myself through to help me not throw up so i could help her... what i
think this means is that i didn't want to face the fact that i was TRYING
to get myself healthy..but the caretaker person's body that is carolyns'
s ( but symbolizes mine ) was so off whack that it could not even digest
the healthy food...it was repulsed by it and was so screwy it thought
the healthy thing was poison was rejecting it at a biological level...i
didn't want to face this fact that the food had been rejected and that
the body system was making no sense..i tried to pretend the vomit wasn't
vomit but was still healthy food by closing my eyes and and tried to
open up a bottle of champagne that symbolizes something that will help
in an emergency to help her. thing is too that in my dream it wasn't my idea to go get her a bottle of something for medicine. i didn't even know what it was , in my dream. it was there in my hands in the dream and i just started opening it cause i thought that was what i was supposed to do...i was too confused to question anything, i was just shaking ok, now
after all this talk of vomit and chapmagne and food i will make this
disclaimer and tell u that this was only one dream, about one aspect
of my life this month. these are symbols in a dream. moral of
the story: u cannot go about denying that something is wrong with your
life by numbing it, sooner or later if u don't do face up to it..the
universe/your "higher" self, your inner core, your soul, etc
etc will make u face it by projectile vomiting all over your friends.
www.cykakam.com :)
( irc.galaxynet.org #anacam )
then i went 2 get food...i was down to eating cream cheese icing! ack! now i am
going 2 stretch as i watch mtv count down the 100 greatest albums of
all time and whoofle with the puppy bellies :) after that, who knows?
[18 Jan
2001|11:44am]
now i'm
gonna go dance and stretch
made coffee. listening 2 commercial r&b...so sue me i gotta take the fan out of my other computer so i can get that thing 2 werk again. tomrrow
night jason gets home!
[19 Jan
2001|12:00am]
and dancing around my house like a weirdo. soon, i'll jumo into the shower then go to the bank for a money order, 'cause i wrote my rent check from the VERY wrong acccount to my landlord. geez. i woke
up this morning at 10 to see that deiter had crashed the gate around
my desk and he on TOP of my desk fucking up my computer and pushing
everything off my desk top. augh! now everything on my flor ( which looks like i don't have rhyme or reason for it but i do ) is really screwed up! i have a lot more 2 clean before jason gets home late tonight. it's been so weird having him gone. i am just finally adapting to it today. i am working on a new anagram that will be up later on tonight listening to elastica's version of trio's song "da da da" da da da
[20 Jan 2001|12:22am] jason's home :) |