analog 011600 ( excerpt from anagram on ana2.com containing 25 pictures that go along with this text)

hmmmm. i just don't have anything 2 say! can u believe it? i think it's cause i was so busy doing stuff that "normal" people do or something..i have really nothing 2 say! i really did ALMOST get the thing room cleaned. almost. at least i fit everything that was in the hall back in there. i went through piles of paper stuff and threw stuff out.i got my ugly little desk back in there. and i moved the computers that were on that desk..then i moved them into the livingroom..now i moved them back into the thing room so i can type out my journals on them in there. i know that sentence was poorly strctured. i hope it made any sense. if it didn't, it's no big deal, 'cause it's not very interesting or super important anyway!
so i cleaned that room sort of. and then we had company over. milo fine ( www.fetik3.com/milofine ) and his mate , susan. and steve gnitka, who plays guitar with milo. steve is an incredible person. very kind and gentle and shyish. we are such opposites...him being a 46 year old r.crumbish type guy and then me. but opposites attract i guess :) he and i both don't drive...but i guess there is a bus that goes from his house to my house, so maybe if we both can get past our unsocialness, we will get together more often. we both rarely ever socialize. so i guess we DO have a lot in common in a way :)
i was practically paralyzed with anxiety before everyone came over at 5. i felt really weird that i had become that socially handicapped or whatever it is. i guess i was just so nervous 'cause steve is so nervous and i really didn't want him 2 be nervous, but by me being nervous, i knew that'd make him nervous..so i got caught in this dear loop. it really sucked. i couldn't eat anything the whole day. finally when everyone left around midnight, did i finally eat something. i have no fears about eating in front of others, i was just so damn nervous i felt nauseous. but everything went totally fine, and a good time was had by all. and jason did all the food work, so i was so happy about that and totally impressed. he went and bought all this great food while i cleaned up the last bits of the house and shoved things in closets and stuff. he bought all this special cheese spread and sesame pita chips, and 7,000 gallons of champagne. and salad and fettucine with alfredo sauce and marinara sauce too.
and chocolate and mint "grasshopper" pie! ohmigod YUM!
so everyone stuffed there faces in delight, except me..i just drank champagne to calm down! the house looked so nice all clean! and all my candles were lit everywhere! jason actually went out and bought a new vacuum cleaner which is a GODSEND. i can lay on the carpet now with no dog hair! YES!
then jason showed then the southpark movie, which i was nervous about showing them , 'cause i didn't think susan would dig it..but she is the one who laughed the most! so, bravo to jason for everything that night!
oh, and another reason i felt so sick that day was because i had a period haeadache. i never get migraines anymore since i've been taking amitriptyline everyday for it. so thank god. but i still will get a headache that will last all day and kind of take the wind out of my sails. today i have a headache too, but i took some excedrin and it went away this time.
oh, this is really exciting stuff, huh?
so the next day ( yesterday ) was really nice 'cause my headache was gone and i wasn't nervous so i just laid on the couch and recuperated and watched this cool movie called "celestial clockwork" but my teeth really hurt 'cause i've been bleaching them at night with this kit the dentist gave me, so after work, jason is gonna pick up some sensidyne toothpaste for me. OWIE.
and i'm going to get new extensions put in on the 24th! YAY! i hope it is even POSSIBLE to get new ones in! *prays prays prays* my hair is a mess under there!
i am going to get some pure white ones in, and then with my teeth getting white, i hope i will look all glam for the conference i'm going to in febuary!
here is the url about the conference :
www.shout2000.com
and get THIS, jerry springer is going to be the keynote speaker! WHY? i do not know! but it will be INTERESTING to say the least! i'll see if i can get him to make a silly face for my cam or something! hopefully i will be able to be connected with my laptop there! i am very excited to go. i've never gone to a conference before :)
i am going to be on a panel called "cam clan"and it's gonna be me, jennifer from jennicam, charity from charitycam.org, and erik vidal from hereandnow.net
(and i'm still planning on collaborating with hereandnow..that is still in the works! )

ow, my teeth are really hurting!

it's hard to even concentrate to type this.
lemme see, what else....well, one thing that occupied my mind 24/7 for days and days is i lost a friend over the STUPIDEST thing. i linked to his page. oh, i didn't know our friendship was supposed to be SECRET or something. what's up with THAT?
fucking a, really hurt my feelings. :( i also took two days to reply to an email he sent , which i guess didn't make the grade for him. i didn't even check that email account for two days i have SO many email accounts it's not even funny. and i get so much email at all of them. so anyway, now he is not my friend anymore and i feel very bewildered at this. totally and utterly bewildered. u just never know what people are gonna do. u just never know what'll make them snap. and here i thought we had just become BETTER friends. so i'm completely weirded by that. i now just think about that twice a day instead of every 15 minutes, so i'm getting better.
thing is, i wasn't supposed to link to his page because he wanted to remain anonymous on the net. well, HELLO? WHY then did he make a webpage for his band and be very excited about it? why are the trying to sell merchandise on this webpage? because they don't want anyone to see it? does that make ANY sense?
did i reveal anything about his personal life by linking to his band's new website?
unreal! bewildering! and hurtful! :( augh.

so that's it for now. today is just a grey day. i don't even know what'll i'll do today. just making this, then i'll take a bath, i think. then...i don't know.

ok, i have a question for u. i have a lot of projects i want to do, but there are three main ones especially. and i don't think i could do all of them at once because i get consumed. so what should i work on first:

1) a new record
2) paint a painting
3) type out all my journals since the age of 22 and make them into a book

( and i want to read, sew stuffed animals, and mediate and learn to type, too! )

love and vanilla candlewax,

ana

p.s.
and here is
a wonderful email i received from a man named richard ( yes, he told me i
could put it in this anagram :)

Hi
Ana
I've been following your grams about porn and stuff and I just
agree with so much that you say and it's just crazy that it needs to be said
and you get crits and weird spun questioning over it, cos most of it is just*so*
dismal. Whacking of in private, the sheer horrendous unrealityof a lot of
porn, the scenarios, the dumb looks, the interior decoration for christs
sake: if you get into it you just end up filling your mind with this entire
"sexual" world that isn't there when you're with your partner,
so
then you try like mad to simulate it with all the sad sex trash gimmickry
and gizmos they're so happy to sell you which can be fun, of course, but not
if it distracts you from the just pure bliss of being naked and alone with
someone you trust and you've melted together some how and the tiniest
movement the quietest sound the smell of there hair and there arms around
you and you *know* you are loved and you are *being* loved and giving love
and that is what sex is about and it's so far from anything that is
portrayed in porn that it just shouldn't even be a matter of debate that
porn is about something else, dumb and often nasty and how come it rules the
world!
Like I would like an explanation (and I'm a man) and I think men
should be justifying there use of it and the fact that they take it as a
right instead of throwing man-hater allegations at any woman who questions
it. And it is deep, like something went terribly wrong in culture thousands
of years ago and this lie got lodged in the collective mind and just sits
there in secret twisting up what should be *the* core spiritual experience
between people so that it becomes destructive and a weapon to be used
against women and a taunt and a threat. And it is about intimacy, about men
being afraid of feeling there physical dependance, the yearning in there
FLESH, not there minds, not in there dreams of omnipotence but in there
bodies which are weak, that must be treated gently, that need to be stroked:
and in there feelings. How can you make love if you are afraidto cry! How
can that be possible?
Anyway, sorry, total rant but 100% behind you bringing this up and talking
it out. The best book I've ever read about it (indeed one of the best books
I've ever read) is called Pornography and Silence by Susan Griffin, she's
a
poet and a lesbian mother and somehow she's managed to write abook about
porn that is totally uncompromising about what it means for women but also
totally compassionate and 10 years after I first read it still makes me weep
(no lie) because the story she tells is so sad, it is such a disaster for
humanity. She uses the lives of 6 people to illustrate her argument: Kate
Chopin (author), Franz Marc (expressionist painter who died inthe first
world war), The Marquis de Sade, Marilyn Monroe, Lawrence Singleton (serial
killer) and Anne Frank and it ought not to work, you think; how can she
weave this together? But she does and it's extraordinary.
Best wishes
richard

and here are some misc. posts i've made:

Posted by ANA on January 13, 2000 at 12:44:13: In Reply to: Re: living with joy again! posted by astroboy on January 13, 2000 at 04:11:26:

ohmigod, the celestine prophecy is SO poorly written! u are the only one besides me that i've heard say that! what is UP with that book? GACK! i couldn't finish it either! and i didn't agree with that whole "fear" thing in there either. i thought that what they were teaching was a bit skewed if it was supposed to be "enlightened"!

and in response to a guy who said he looks for dehumanizing porn so he can masturbate as quickly as possible to get it over with because it was too painful for him to linger on it because it only reminded him of his lonely life:

Posted by ANA on January 13, 2000 at 13:52:16:
In Reply to: thoughts on porn posted by silent on January 13, 2000 at 03:32:39:

oh my god that is really sad! if u can't make love to yourself, how would u expect to make love to another? with your attitude i am not surprised you're not getting dates! it's the "vibes" u are sending out. don't u know that confidence is the #1 biggest turn on? u have to LOVE yourself before you can love another! very trite to say, but it is SO true! it is the #1 truth perhaps!
i rarely ever say the word "true" ( i don't think i do, anyway..correct me if i'm wring! ) since truth is often a relative term. but in the case of loving yourself i can't even TELL u how true i think it is!
DUDE! male LOVE to yourself! why not linger on it? why not draw yourself a yummy bath with good smelling bath stuff in it? and put candles all around and smoke a big joint! then put on your favourite music! and get out the good oil and just fuck yourself silly?
why nt build yourself a "love robot" and whisper to it all your secrets nad tuck it into bed with u? hey www.realdoll.com why not?
actually, anyone wanna buy me one? *wink*

get yourself a vibrator and some anal beads!
oh man, what's the name of that really cool very expensive massive vibrator. simian? argh. it's this thing that looks super scientific and it's supposed to be the ultimate thing to get u off. argh. i want one. i have to remember the name!

dehumanizing porn???

do u realize that you are only dehumanizing YOURSELF? why jip yourself out of a LIFE!
buy yourself some flowers! take the time out to rub your feet with oil! get a massage!

man, get a prostitute for that matter! and treat her WELL! buy HER flowers!

or at LEAST get massage! i think u need it!

you ARE destroying not only your sexual self..but ALL of yourself by treating yourself in this way!

is this really how u want to live your life?
don't u want to LIVE?

be your own don juan! be your own lover! it has to start there!

thank u for sharing your pain with us! that had to be hard to share! but it's a start in the right direction of STARTING to share!
there is human contact to be made! :)

there has to be some good books on "self love" around. i will search for them. maybe someone in here knows of some!

but if i were u i would DEFINITELY start with getting a massage! i mean a theraputic one!
because i think u need to be TOUCHED! we all need that or we'd go crazy!
when i didn't have a boyfriend and i'd go years without being touched by another, i'd HAVE to go get a massage! babies DIE if they don't get touched! it's true!

or maybe get a manicure! even that is a very good thing!

to jip yourself out of a good sexy sensual time!

-------

ok, so once again, i had a lot to say after all :)